I want to escape so bad, so why can't i settle on a method

[ghost555]

Hello guys,

I am fairly new on this website and this is my first thread so i hope you can bear with me.
I have had some health issues for sometime now, in addition to suffering from crippling anxiety, i think it would be fair to say my own mind has long turned against me.
I guess people would say i have intrusive negative thoughts, but i'm pretty sure these thoughts have graduated to nightmares, both awake and asleep. I know my own worst fears best and my mind is not shy about using this insider info to torture me relentlessly day and night. This in combination with my health problems and some other things have made it so i live in a constant fear, constant loneliness and have by all means lost any desire to even attempt to turn things around (i have tried and i have failed many times). My panic attacks and mental breakdowns are so frequent that honestly even just functioning is very difficult.

Now you may ask am i just venting? No dear reader, venting has stopped working for me for sometime now. I mere attempt to give the necessary context to my following question.
I am sure i have surpassed the absolute limit of what i can tolerate a few times over my life and have wanted for the sweet release of death so strongly at those times that i have probably never wanted anything else more in my life ever. In addition to the fact i ,in general (even when not in a state beyond all desperation) , look for ways to end my existence in a world i want no part of , i believe i should not have my current struggle and yet i do.

I simply CAN NOT for the life of me decide on a method and proceed to end my suffering. I can not understand what is this last barrier that stops me, i know for a fact my only attachment to life is as of this date pizza with garlic sauce. So why, why why why why why can i not put an end to my own suffering. Am i pathetic? am i a coward? am i simply not suicidal as iv come to believe?

I thought i did not want to make my family suffer , but i know for a fact that is not true, and there are many ways to soften the blow like avoiding violent methods of suicide and having made arrangements prior to the deed so that they don't need to take care of anything.

I keep finding faults in every method, i am extremely afraid ill fail and just make things worse. More violent methods like jumping of a place running into traffic and other traumatic ways don't seem a good fit, i not only wish to avoid trauma for my folks but i have also read articles about people surviving incredible shit. Wont it be the irony of a life time thinking i did it only to wake up in a hospital gravely injured and under surveillance.

Iv contemplated other classics like cutting my veins or hanging but i cant stop thinking the chances of survival are still high, weather you are found or not if often outside your control and even though i can just rent a quiet and secluded place, maybe i cut the vein wrong and i bleed out for 2 days , maybe i tie the rope wrong and it breaks, maybe unlucky as i am someone still manages to find me. I also find it hard to commit violence against my own self. I am not afraid of pain when its inflicted on me by others, but i have a block in my mind when it comes to hurting myself physically (mentally i seem to hurt myself just fine).

Pills.......the method that sounds most suited to my situation but also the one with most variables. Who can tell how an organism will react even to ungodly amounts of a certain pill. Sometimes you just puke, sometimes you fall in a coma, or maybe you die so slow that people have time to find you and you keep prolonging your agony,

Guns i have no access to. Its extremely controlled here.

I have explored the a method from this website that consists of a sort of tourniquet made around my own neck, meant to suffocate me and make me pass out in seconds but i tried for weeks to get it right and i can not find the proper pressure point. Guess i am not cut out ot be an assassin lol.

I contemplated injecting air into my veins but according to my research its unreliable as all bloody hell, results may vary from death in minutes to death in months, and the variables to consider are numbers, from amount of air injecting , the speed at witch its injected , the vessel where it is injected.......jesus fucking christ for such frail organisms we seem resilient as hell when we specifically must not be.

I have grown frustrated beyond reason, i see death as my only hope to stop being in pain everyday, even as i break down over and over the thought of ending my life brings me joy but the thought that i have no reliable way to quickly and efficiently end it brings me even more despair. I feel like a rat trapped in a cage.

So i came to this site to find a better way, to find some outside opinion and to share my frustration with myself with hopes i wont be judged too harshly.

 

[Scattered-Soul]

I read your entire post and see that you're in an immense amount of pain, I'm really sorry for your suffering, I'm dealing with some similar stuff. I can also relate to the hardships you're experiencing with trying to decide on a method, trying to figure out what could actually work, feeling trapped etc I also used to go over every single method I could think of finding flaws in them, wondering why it's such a hard thing to achieve when dying is such an easy thing in general, being scared of the risk of surviving and being left off worse.

You not being able to take action is normal, being scared as well and it doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't suicidal or that you don't want to end it all more than anything else. Survival instinct is though to beat, you could possibly be stuck in freeze mode as well but most importantly, try not to blame yourself for it. You don't have to do anything that you don't actually wanna do, if you have any attachment to life, anything you see worth living for then you're allowed to stay and I'd encourage anyone who's like that to fight for their life if they feel like things could possibly get better.

In the end of the day though I'm not in your head so I'll assume from this post that you're completely set on going through with it. My advise is to do as much research as possible and that will most likely help you decide on a method as well.

Overdosing with pills and bleeding to death are two methods that are pretty unreliable. Overdosing on OTC medicine or psych drugs will most likely leave you with organ damage and will just end up as a traumatizing experience. It doesn't even matter how much you take, those things aren't made to be lethal like that, even if it's possible it's pretty unreliable to trust it. And slitting your veins would just be torture.

Maybe you could check the information on the inert gas method? I'm surprised you haven't mentioned it, it's one of the most peaceful, painless and non-messy methods out there, it'd be easier to get over you survival instincts as well, you mostly just have to have the means to set it up and be alone.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so trapped in this existence, it's cruel and horrible to me how we cannot just choose to easily cease existing in peace. There's nothing cowardly about struggling to die in this anti-suicide society where suicide is cruelly made so inaccessible, we really shouldn't have to suffer so much to leave this existence and it's wrong how we do. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[MrP]

I read it all man. I get it completely. That's where I am now. I want out, but I can't DO IT! Fuck's sake man, WHY?!

 

[Tears in Rain]

I am sure i have surpassed the absolute limit of what i can tolerate a few times over my life and have wanted for the sweet release of death so strongly at those times that i have probably never wanted anything else more in my life ever. In addition to the fact i ,in general (even when not in a state beyond all desperation) , look for ways to end my existence in a world i want no part of , i believe i should not have my current struggle and yet i do.

I simply CAN NOT for the life of me decide on a method and proceed to end my suffering. I can not understand what is this last barrier that stops me, i know for a fact my only attachment to life is as of this date pizza with garlic sauce. So why, why why why why why can i not put an end to my own suffering. Am i pathetic? am i a coward? am i simply not suicidal as iv come to believe?

Firstly, you're in the same boat as a lot of people on here. Many feel they want to ctb, but are unable to currently go through with it for various reasons. You seem fully committed, but S.I. affects most, if not all of us to varying degrees.

Iv contemplated other classics like cutting my veins or hanging but i cant stop thinking the chances of survival are still high, weather you are found or not if often outside your control and even though i can just rent a quiet and secluded place, maybe i cut the vein wrong and i bleed out for 2 days , maybe i tie the rope wrong and it breaks, maybe unlucky as i am someone still manages to find me. I also find it hard to commit violence against my own self. I am not afraid of pain when its inflicted on me by others, but i have a block in my mind when it comes to hurting myself physically (mentally i seem to hurt myself just fine).

Pills.......the method that sounds most suited to my situation but also the one with most variables. Who can tell how an organism will react even to ungodly amounts of a certain pill. Sometimes you just puke, sometimes you fall in a coma, or maybe you die so slow that people have time to find you and you keep prolonging your agony,

Guns i have no access to. Its extremely controlled here.

I have explored the a method from this website that consists of a sort of tourniquet made around my own neck, meant to suffocate me and make me pass out in seconds but i tried for weeks to get it right and i can not find the proper pressure point. Guess i am not cut out ot be an assassin lol.

I contemplated injecting air into my veins but according to my research its unreliable as all bloody hell, results may vary from death in minutes to death in months, and the variables to consider are numbers, from amount of air injecting , the speed at witch its injected , the vessel where it is injected.......jesus fucking christ for such frail organisms we seem resilient as hell when we specifically must not be.

I have grown frustrated beyond reason, i see death as my only hope to stop being in pain everyday, even as i break down over and over the thought of ending my life brings me joy but the thought that i have no reliable way to quickly and efficiently end it brings me even more despair. I feel like a rat trapped in a cage.

So i came to this site to find a better way, to find some outside opinion and to share my frustration with myself with hopes i wont be judged too harshly.

Yeah, there's simply no 'easy' method. Some things are difficult to source, other things can have side effects etc.
You've spoken about a few methods. You didnt mention inert gas; that might be worth looking into if you have the money to source materials:

Exit bag and inert gas megathread

Exit Bag and Inert Gas Basics —A very, very long post, I know, but I feel like I've fielded a lot of questions about this, so I figured I'd spell out everything I know. Others on the forum should please add to this thread whatever reliable technical information they feel is appropriate for...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Gas asphyxiation and drowning

Hey guys, I have a question about a CTB method that I hope someone could answer. I can get my hands on diflouroethane quite easily in the form of air duster. This rapidly replaces oxygen in the blood and causes unconsciousness. So the plan is as follows: book a hotel room with a tub. Fill the...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Or fly to Peru, Columbia, or Mexico to try and source N!

 

[baabbaabbaab]

You haven't mentioned CO charcoal method or inert gas ?

SI just means you're human. It doesn't mean you're a coward. On the contrary, from what I read you're fighting everyday, and planning to end the only thing you've ever known is obviously scary.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I wish you peace !

 

[IWishToDie]

Hello guys,

I am fairly new on this website and this is my first thread so i hope you can bear with me.
I have had some health issues for sometime now, in addition to suffering from crippling anxiety, i think it would be fair to say my own mind has long turned against me.
I guess people would say i have intrusive negative thoughts, but i'm pretty sure these thoughts have graduated to nightmares, both awake and asleep. I know my own worst fears best and my mind is not shy about using this insider info to torture me relentlessly day and night. This in combination with my health problems and some other things have made it so i live in a constant fear, constant loneliness and have by all means lost any desire to even attempt to turn things around (i have tried and i have failed many times). My panic attacks and mental breakdowns are so frequent that honestly even just functioning is very difficult.

Now you may ask am i just venting? No dear reader, venting has stopped working for me for sometime now. I mere attempt to give the necessary context to my following question.
I am sure i have surpassed the absolute limit of what i can tolerate a few times over my life and have wanted for the sweet release of death so strongly at those times that i have probably never wanted anything else more in my life ever. In addition to the fact i ,in general (even when not in a state beyond all desperation) , look for ways to end my existence in a world i want no part of , i believe i should not have my current struggle and yet i do.

I simply CAN NOT for the life of me decide on a method and proceed to end my suffering. I can not understand what is this last barrier that stops me, i know for a fact my only attachment to life is as of this date pizza with garlic sauce. So why, why why why why why can i not put an end to my own suffering. Am i pathetic? am i a coward? am i simply not suicidal as iv come to believe?

I thought i did not want to make my family suffer , but i know for a fact that is not true, and there are many ways to soften the blow like avoiding violent methods of suicide and having made arrangements prior to the deed so that they don't need to take care of anything.

I keep finding faults in every method, i am extremely afraid ill fail and just make things worse. More violent methods like jumping of a place running into traffic and other traumatic ways don't seem a good fit, i not only wish to avoid trauma for my folks but i have also read articles about people surviving incredible shit. Wont it be the irony of a life time thinking i did it only to wake up in a hospital gravely injured and under surveillance.

Iv contemplated other classics like cutting my veins or hanging but i cant stop thinking the chances of survival are still high, weather you are found or not if often outside your control and even though i can just rent a quiet and secluded place, maybe i cut the vein wrong and i bleed out for 2 days , maybe i tie the rope wrong and it breaks, maybe unlucky as i am someone still manages to find me. I also find it hard to commit violence against my own self. I am not afraid of pain when its inflicted on me by others, but i have a block in my mind when it comes to hurting myself physically (mentally i seem to hurt myself just fine).

Pills.......the method that sounds most suited to my situation but also the one with most variables. Who can tell how an organism will react even to ungodly amounts of a certain pill. Sometimes you just puke, sometimes you fall in a coma, or maybe you die so slow that people have time to find you and you keep prolonging your agony,

Guns i have no access to. Its extremely controlled here.

I have explored the a method from this website that consists of a sort of tourniquet made around my own neck, meant to suffocate me and make me pass out in seconds but i tried for weeks to get it right and i can not find the proper pressure point. Guess i am not cut out ot be an assassin lol.

I contemplated injecting air into my veins but according to my research its unreliable as all bloody hell, results may vary from death in minutes to death in months, and the variables to consider are numbers, from amount of air injecting , the speed at witch its injected , the vessel where it is injected.......jesus fucking christ for such frail organisms we seem resilient as hell when we specifically must not be.

I have grown frustrated beyond reason, i see death as my only hope to stop being in pain everyday, even as i break down over and over the thought of ending my life brings me joy but the thought that i have no reliable way to quickly and efficiently end it brings me even more despair. I feel like a rat trapped in a cage.

So i came to this site to find a better way, to find some outside opinion and to share my frustration with myself with hopes i wont be judged too harshly.

@ghost555 Sodium Nitrite is your best option these days, unless you can afford the $17000 for Switzerland. Keep reading. Love me some pizza!