i want to ctb because i hate myself

[noonipie]

I am fucking disgusting. even if i werent so disgusting, my horrible personality makes me 10x worse. i often fantasize about just being beaten to death or hanged or something. that's what i deserve. im deluded if i think i will ever be valued in this life. i cant wait to ctb. my pathetic, agonizing life has tortured me for long enough. i hope they care. in particular, i hope he cares. and i hope he never as close with another girl like he was with me. i feel like im being dragged through life. my life is obsolete no matter what i do. i just want to make my final bow something poetic.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I can totally relate. I hate myself, too. Sometimes, it's impossible to forgive yourself over things you do in life.

 

[noonipie]

glad someone gets it. i hope you're able to feel better someday, somehow.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Same. I hate myself because I am not attractive.

 

[noonipie]

Same. I hate myself because I am not attractive.

i hate feeling like this. hopefully you'll feel better about yourself someday

 

[WorthlessTrash]

i hate feeling like this. hopefully you'll feel better about yourself someday

Lol impossible.
I was born the wrong sex. Being "okay" with myself while being gross looking is a cope. If I wanted to cope, I wouldn't be on this site lol

 

[Jezzibell]

I am fucking disgusting. even if i werent so disgusting, my horrible personality makes me 10x worse. i often fantasize about just being beaten to death or hanged or something. that's what i deserve. im deluded if i think i will ever be valued in this life. i cant wait to ctb. my pathetic, agonizing life has tortured me for long enough. i hope they care. in particular, i hope he cares. and i hope he never as close with another girl like he was with me. i feel like im being dragged through life. my life is obsolete no matter what i do. i just want to make my final bow something poetic.

This is exactly how I feel. I don't deserve to live and I punish my disgusting self with self harm. I don't have anyone I'm leaving behind. Just my cat.

Same. I hate myself because I am not attractive.

Says who? Attractive is different things to different people. For me a kind smile with a warm heart trumps superficial beauty every time. Xxxx

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Says who? Attractive is different things to different people. For me a kind smile with a warm heart trumps superficial beauty every time. Xxxx

I have a warm heart and a great smile if awful teeth dont bother you. let's date ;) jk

In seriousness, I do. I find all men unattractive and I am AMAB (wish I was an average looking/attractive female). I hate myself because I was born the wrong sex and I hate my body (and the male anatomy as a whole).

 

[Jezzibell]

I have a warm heart and a great smile if awful teeth dont bother you. let's date ;) jk

In seriousness, I do. I find all men unattractive and I am AMAB (wish I was an average looking/attractive female). I hate myself because I was born the wrong sex and I hate my body (and the male anatomy as a whole).

Men's dangly bits have never struck me as attractive either and I'm mostly heterosexual. It is difficult for me to imagine how traumatic it must be to feel your body is at odds with how you identify. And I can see why you think you are unattractive even when you are not. Are you able to get gender reassignment treatment?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Men's dangly bits have never struck me as attractive either and I'm mostly heterosexual. It is difficult for me to imagine how traumatic it must be to feel your body is at odds with how you identify. And I can see why you think you are unattractive even when you are not. Are you able to get gender reassignment treatment?

I choose not to. I am 30+ years old. T has ravaged my body. T is a very potent hormone that makes passing (even to oneself) extremely difficult. Plus I am put off by scarring that would result from the surgery. Then there is the issue of not being able to experience girlhood. It isn't worth it to me. To be honest with you, this isn't the first time someone suggested transitioning, and I even knew about it before joining here. I wouldn't be here if I wanted to transition over CTBing.

 

[Jezzibell]

I choose not to. I am 30+ years old. T has ravaged my body. T is a very potent hormone that makes passing (even to oneself) extremely difficult. Plus I am put off by scarring that would result from the surgery. Then there is the issue of not being able to experience girlhood. It isn't worth it to me. To be honest with you, this isn't the first time someone suggested transitioning, and I even knew about it before joining here. I wouldn't be here if I wanted to transition over CTBing.

I understand. I agree that it would be much harder now and I appreciate your sentiment on lost girl hood. Xxxxx I hope you can find inner peace xxxxx

 

[NorthernMonkey]

I have a warm heart and a great smile if awful teeth dont bother you. let's date ;) jk

In seriousness, I do. I find all men unattractive and I am AMAB (wish I was an average looking/attractive female). I hate myself because I was born the wrong sex and I hate my body (and the male anatomy as a whole).

That made me smile, I was imagining your first paragraph as an introduction on a dating site :)
I hope you don't mind me asking, but what does AMAB mean?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I understand. I agree that it would be much harder now and I appreciate your sentiment on lost girl hood. Xxxxx I hope you can find inner peace xxxxx

I will have peace once I CTB. Thank you <3

That made me smile, I was imagining your first paragraph as an introduction on a dating site :)
I hope you don't mind me asking, but what does AMAB mean?

Assigned Male at Birth.

and thank you lol

 

[NorthernMonkey]

Ah yes, assigned, I always thought that was odd. A complete stranger looks at a newborn and says, it's a boy, while inside that tiny baby's brain it may be thinking, that's what you think pal!

 

[epic]

Is that the only reason you are suicidal ?
If Yes, It's not worth it to throw your life away for a man . There are billions of men on the planet, hardly a rare species .
Time fills wounds overtime .
About your personality , they are malleable so there's plenty of hope there too.

 

[noonipie]

Is that the only reason you are suicidal ?
If Yes, It's not worth it to throw your life away for a man . There are billions of men on the planet, hardly a rare species .
Time fills wounds overtime .
About your personality , they are malleable so there's plenty of hope there too.

that's so sweet of you. it's definitely not the main or only reason, it's just something that makes my anxiety and depression a lot worse.