Venting i want someone to die with

[v0id]

i'm not really looking for someone by posting this. i just want to rant about my thoughts that has been circulating around my head for the longest time. since i was a kid, i have always fantasized about love and romance that is so great—that eventually, i will have this special one who will understand me in every way possible the way i will also understand them. but alas, i never have experienced anything romantic. it's not like i wasn't trying, but it simply doesn't come. i think i have the tendency to keep people at an arm's length, even my closest friend.

i just don't think i'll meet people who will actually understand what it's like to be this. i'm convinced that i can't be dating "normal" people because they won't get it, no matter how close they become to understanding suicidality. i'm pretty sure i could only genuinely and deeply connect with people who also wanted to die, be it platonic or romantic. maybe it's why although i have great friends, i feel incredibly lonely.

by all means, i'm not demeaning the connection i have made with other people. it might not be as deep, but it's there. i love my friends, and they truly are good people. i don't necessarily "pretend" i'm okay when i'm with them because i simply just... forget. my head isn't as heavy whenever i hang out with them. i can smile and laugh. and then i'd go back to whatever this is. sometimes, i can't help but think about how i'm probably using them as distraction, but never letting them get to my mind. i learned how to perform "oversharing" and vulnerability so that i'd keep what's fucked in my head. it's pretty sad.

i've been hesitant in telling my best friend anything at all when she got a lover. i'm genuinely happy for her. it's just that, i feel a little lonely because now, it goes without saying that her lover is the priority. based on what she told me, it seems like they get each other pretty well in all aspects. we used to be dwelling in similar misery, but now she's talking about the future, and marriage. i'm so glad she can now see a future in front of her, but i can't lie: i feel a little lonely. and sad, because i can't promise a future where i'm there. i can't promise that i will attend future events related to her life. right now, i think she's on the path to becoming stable and normal. i feel like i can't bother her with the same bullshit i can't get away from (i.e. my head) because i'll drag her down.

i just wish to have a special someone for me, who will understand. who will die with me. or maybe kill me. i don't know. there's just something so hard with human relationships. i feel like everyone gets it and i simply don't. it almost feels humiliating to have THIS much issues, and still not be able to experience something as human as love. it's like i'm not meant to be alive at all.

 

[JassieDusk]

I get it.
I have great friends, even a long term partner, but as you said, they belong to them. To the "normal" ones. We are like imposters, getting to connect with people who belong to us only through a screen, in my case through this website. Not even in the millions of psychiatric wards did I find someone who supports my decision to die. I just want someone to say "hey, I support you in whatever path you take. I'm with you". Maybe even "I'll go with you". But no, I have to let go of myself, my desire of a beautiful self destruction, of death cravings, I have to separate from myself when I am amongst them. And I believe there won't ever be anyone to connect with. I walked on this earth alone and alone I shall leave it and no one will ever understand why I left

 

[v0id]

I get it.
I have great friends, even a long term partner, but as you said, they belong to them. To the "normal" ones. We are like imposters, getting to connect with people who belong to us only through a screen, in my case through this website. Not even in the millions of psychiatric wards did I find someone who supports my decision to die. I just want someone to say "hey, I support you in whatever path you take. I'm with you". Maybe even "I'll go with you". But no, I have to let go of myself, my desire of a beautiful self destruction, of death cravings, I have to separate from myself when I am amongst them. And I believe there won't ever be anyone to connect with. I walked on this earth alone and alone I shall leave it and no one will ever understand why I left

you get it, and you explained it beautifully. once i die, my death will remain a mystery to others. maybe it will be written off as something driven by life's pressure or whatnot, but no. they simply don't get desiring eternal rest for so long. i always see the quote "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" as a response to suicidality. but it's not temporary to me. what people don't get is that you don't easily heal from this shit, and this feeling STICKS. it sticks so badly that it's almost a part of me that i could never get rid of. i don't know myself without wanting death. nothing could help that. it sucks to think that maybe, i was born like this and this is simply the role i am to play in this world. yet i remain, by no means proud of my inability to die.

 

[justafcknloser]

i'm not really looking for someone by posting this. i just want to rant about my thoughts that has been circulating around my head for the longest time. since i was a kid, i have always fantasized about love and romance that is so great—that eventually, i will have this special one who will understand me in every way possible the way i will also understand them. but alas, i never have experienced anything romantic. it's not like i wasn't trying, but it simply doesn't come. i think i have the tendency to keep people at an arm's length, even my closest friend.

i just don't think i'll meet people who will actually understand what it's like to be this. i'm convinced that i can't be dating "normal" people because they won't get it, no matter how close they become to understanding suicidality. i'm pretty sure i could only genuinely and deeply connect with people who also wanted to die, be it platonic or romantic. maybe it's why although i have great friends, i feel incredibly lonely.

by all means, i'm not demeaning the connection i have made with other people. it might not be as deep, but it's there. i love my friends, and they truly are good people. i don't necessarily "pretend" i'm okay when i'm with them because i simply just... forget. my head isn't as heavy whenever i hang out with them. i can smile and laugh. and then i'd go back to whatever this is. sometimes, i can't help but think about how i'm probably using them as distraction, but never letting them get to my mind. i learned how to perform "oversharing" and vulnerability so that i'd keep what's fucked in my head. it's pretty sad.

i've been hesitant in telling my best friend anything at all when she got a lover. i'm genuinely happy for her. it's just that, i feel a little lonely because now, it goes without saying that her lover is the priority. based on what she told me, it seems like they get each other pretty well in all aspects. we used to be dwelling in similar misery, but now she's talking about the future, and marriage. i'm so glad she can now see a future in front of her, but i can't lie: i feel a little lonely. and sad, because i can't promise a future where i'm there. i can't promise that i will attend future events related to her life. right now, i think she's on the path to becoming stable and normal. i feel like i can't bother her with the same bullshit i can't get away from (i.e. my head) because i'll drag her down.

i just wish to have a special someone for me, who will understand. who will die with me. or maybe kill me. i don't know. there's just something so hard with human relationships. i feel like everyone gets it and i simply don't. it almost feels humiliating to have THIS much issues, and still not be able to experience something as human as love. it's like i'm not meant to be alive at all.

to be honest. i feel this message to my core. i've always wanted to be seen and known. i think that's how i know this time is bad. because i don't anymore. i don't want to be perceived or looked at anymore. i tried dating "normal" people. and it didn't work. i just dragged them down like an anchor. i was a burden. i'd rather be alone than a burden. and i am alone. if i stopped responding tomorrow i don't think anybody would even notice for months. to be honest, i'm too scared to currently even die alone either. i want to be in someones arms. not completely and utterly alone. sounds less pathetic i guess. but i'd never ask that of someone. also seems selfish. idk. i'm in a conundrum. i definitely wasn't meant to be alive either.

 

[bugbugbug]

It's such an odd feeling, ever since my recent attempt the communication has just dropped. I crave connection so badly but I don't feel I will ever receive it so what's the point with everything else going on. I just no longer seem to care, at one point anyone having an interest in my life would have meant everything but now there's a blank spot within my soul that is growing deeper with every second of every day. The point of no return has been on repeat for me and seems to be the phrase I live by

 

[Webcore]

Words can't describe how badly I've been wanting this. Someone who will understand this more sad dark part of being suicidal without just offering the same generic solutions.

 

[tiokapaws]

it's hard tbh Like you said, even when people say they understand being suicidal and such, they don't understand it in the same way I do. For all these people it was a passing phase in their lives in the midst of struggle or hardship.

But for me it's all I have.

Literally the moment I snapped out of the weird empty trance of life I was in as a kid and realised I could begin to form my own thoughts and opinions of the world, my first idea was that I needed to kill myself

People just don't get that. It's always been my dream to have an equally fucked up best friend. If I had someone who understood and related to all the dark and awful crevices in my mind I think my life would be complete.

I read a book before, about these three girls who met on a website to take their lives together and because they knew they'd die soon, were able to bare their souls so openly to each other and be the friends they never got to have. I want that so bad It's wishful, and perhaps overly imaginative thinking, but if I'm lucky, maybe when I finally go back to therapy I'll find someone similar in the waiting room.

 

[schoolgirlbyosamu]

absolutely resonate with this thread. it's forever been a dream for me.

to think that maybe, someone could love someone like me with their whole soul, unshaking, unwavering in the face of every misfortune. to understand the reasons to die, to understand so strongly that they wish it too. to comfort in the moment when ctb is scary, to admit they feel the same.

to fall to the same peace together, knowing that they can be safe from life too, same as me. a perfect ctb would be one where me and this supposed person could take SN, cuddle in bed, and wait.

I've written stories between me and this imaginary person, jumping, taking SN, drowning.

Entirely understanding, entirely unconditional. It's beautiful. Every double suicide I've read about makes my heart ache.

 

[fedup1982]

Ask8ng someone to kill you or die with you is asking the ultimate because of the criminal prosecution that could come with it. Suicide partners is such a risky thing because it's not common for both people to die

 

[v0id]

it's hard tbh Like you said, even when people say they understand being suicidal and such, they don't understand it in the same way I do. For all these people it was a passing phase in their lives in the midst of struggle or hardship.

But for me it's all I have.

Literally the moment I snapped out of the weird empty trance of life I was in as a kid and realised I could begin to form my own thoughts and opinions of the world, my first idea was that I needed to kill myself

People just don't get that. It's always been my dream to have an equally fucked up best friend. If I had someone who understood and related to all the dark and awful crevices in my mind I think my life would be complete.

I read a book before, about these three girls who met on a website to take their lives together and because they knew they'd die soon, were able to bare their souls so openly to each other and be the friends they never got to have. I want that so bad It's wishful, and perhaps overly imaginative thinking, but if I'm lucky, maybe when I finally go back to therapy I'll find someone similar in the waiting room.

real and also i didnt expect to see my king tamsy in sasu u r goated and i hope you find the people who actually gets you

 

[tiokapaws]

real and also i didnt expect to see my king tamsy in sasu u r goated and i hope you find the people who actually gets you

HSHAJHA YEAH I LOVE TAMSY 🗣🗣 But yes twin so r u and i wish u the very same

 

[one million years]

I understand. I don't think I'll ever have any friends who really understand me because I've always had to pick and choose what I share with others, even with my closest family. There is no one who I could possibly imagine knowing everything about me or even most things about me. At a young age I accepted that I might be alone forever, so I'm not too upset about it, but there is a jealousy that comes up when I see other people able to befriend others in a way I never will.