I DON"T WANT TO DIE.

[LostHighway]

But, I cannot LIVE like this. I have severe insomnia. I take a med twice a week that helps me sleep.Two other days, I take another med that sometimes helps. The other three days I get ZERO to 3 hours. This is NOT a life. I slept zero last night and 30 minutes this morning.

When I've slept and feel okay, I love outdoor concerts. I love being with my friends. I love watching good tv shows and films. I love LIFE. I so want to live. But I cannot get through the three days of little to no sleep. I'm one of the only older people in this group. My body can't take the sleepless nights. And because sleeplessness is one of its major contributors, Alzheimer's is waiting to take hold of me.

Two good days of sleep is not enough to have a life. I can't work. I can't do projects. I can't travel. I'm useless as a person. It is such a cruel joke that I can taste what it feels like to sleep well and then have it stripped away from me every single week.

Tomorrow, I'm going to house-sit at a beautiful flat in San Francisco for a week. I'm going to try to enjoy myself on the days I've slept. But I will likely go into the Mission District to see if I can find a Fentanyl dealer. I have to be smart about it. I won't buy anything now. I just want to get the feel of how transactions are made. If anyone is in San Francisco, let's say Hello. I'm a good listener and a warm playful person - when I've slept.

 

[winter.]

That sounds horrible im so sorry are there any other medications that could be stronger/work better or spoken to the doctor explaining that they don't work?

 

[LostHighway]

That sounds horrible im so sorry are there any other medications that could be stronger/work better or spoken to the doctor explaining that they don't work?

I've gone through every medication. I'm not dependent on anything now. The drugs just don't work anymore. The two things I take that work okay, don't work if I take them more than twice a week. I build a tolerance to things really fast. I had high hopes for a medication. It was my Hail Mary. It took months to get a prescription. I finally took the drug and, not only did it not help me sleep but it caused SEVERE deep dark depression and anhedonia because it blocks dopamine. The next day, after taking the nootropic Phenibut that helps me sleep - I'm back to normal. I can't take the ups and downs every week.

I'm starting to believe in karma and reincarnation. If I CTB, I want to do so as thoughtfully and lovingly as possible, to myself and my loved ones. I don't want to be angry and despairing when I die. Life is too precious. I hope in my next life I'll be able to sleep.