AMeaninglessLife
Member
- Nov 2, 2021
- 5
Well, sort of the title. I thought I would talk about my own experiences just so people know what to expect, or to maybe prevent a dumb situation. Feel free to make fun of me, beccause I already hate myself for failing. Especially this badly. But I haven't had a chance to talk about it with anyone, so I'm hoping this is also cathartic.
So when I found this site a few years back, I had bookmarked the SN information guide. I was surprised to learn how difficult it was to get the product, but I finally found some (I triple checked that it was the correct one) and measured out 20 g (which is a lot). I went on a looong journey to find an antiemetic. It was so difficult. I even have a history of stopmach issues and nausea and migranes, but doctors continued to refuse to prescribe any. So one day, I just thought that I needed to do it. Or at least test it without the antiemetic to see how bad it is. Plus, I have been eagerly looking for a way out that is slow and painful- as I feel its what I deserve.
Because I read all the warning comments about not dissolving it anything but 50ml of water, I decided to portion a small amount out and preserve the rest in an old pill bottle (not sure why, but I wasn't really thinking anythign was going to happen besides throwing up), dissolved it in the water and drank. My god it was disgusting. The NASTIEST. I get nausiated thinking about it alomst a year later. I laid in bed and thought I would try to go to sleep (it was midnight). I immediately felt my heart beating hard, but no other symptoms. I wasn't able to fall asleep, as I felt slightly nauseated. It really wasn't bad, just a little annoying. After an hour of ignoring it, I was just like- 'Since I know what it'll feel like, I'm just gonna go ahead and throw this up". I figured a larger does would be more extreme, but that I would be better prepared.
The SECOND I stood, everything spun around me. I have had random fainting spells before and this is exactly what it felt like. I fell to my hands and knees and felt extreme nausea. I knew I needed to head to the toilet, so I started crawling my way over. I couldn't keep straight and kept bouncing off the walls. Then I projectile vomitted all over my bathroom floor. Never made it to the toilet. I kept falling over in it, and was extremely disgusted. By the time my stomach had emptied and I started dry heaving (very quickly), I grabbed a towel and started to very poorly clean it up, and the plan was to show, but I was still heaving and was too dizzy to even be on all fours. I heard my roommate call down to me asking if I was ok, which I said I was fine and that I was about to shower (slightly annoyed that she was awake).
I laid on the ground for a moment to try and steady myself. The next thing I know, I am being caried out of my bathroom by paramedics. My roommate is trying to explain my many illnesses and what her side of the story was and I was just thinking 'fuck. I failed and they know'. I was too angry and embarrassed to talk, and I was freezing, so when they tried to talk to me, I would just ignore them and tried closing my eyes. On the ambulance ride, I tried to get some rest in, but they were already poking and proding and telling me that they were going to give me oxygfen. At that time, my O2 sat was at 70% (which is very low). I was put in a room with about a 20 very beautiful doctors and nurses all trying to talk to me and yelling at each other.
The put on a O2 mask that forced air into you every time you breathed in, but because I was so cold, it was hard to have normal breaths. As time went on, it would be impossible to sleep, so I decided I would talk, but not tell them what I had done- act dumb about it. I didn't think it would work, but luckily because of my weird health history, it seemed understandable. I was also as honest as I could be without disclaiming what I had taken. Hide a lie in truth as they say. So I told them that I had just not been feeling well that evening and late at night I had just started feeling sick, got really dizzy and passed out after vomitting.
I told them that I usually have a sensitive stomach and thought it was food poising at first. I told them that this fainiting has happened before, where I would pass out for a long time. I also freely said that the last time it had happened I took shrooms and passed out for a long time and stopped breathing- whcih was true. They asked if I ever turned blue, which was when I noticed that my had was disgustingly transparent. I could see all of my veins through zombie grey flesh and it was a weird site. So I was like 'uh, no never'. They asked me if I ever thought about suicide before, and I told them truthfully that I think about it all the time (I also have very obvious scars on my body). They asked if this was an attempt and I said no. I know they believed me, because of a later conversation that they had in private that I over heard.
After a short conversation, I was pulled off to scans and all sorts of tests, and throughout this, I was wide awake, joking, telling them they were all doing great, but my O2 was still dropping at a pretty quick rate. They called the CDC, they had doctors zoom call from other countries, they were taking pictures. They had no idea what to do. Plenty of residents and med students also were able to filter through my room and I spoke to all of them and was totally truthful about everything. Except the one thing. At one point, one of the doctors that had been with me from the beginning and just held my hand and shook his head as he watched my O2 drop again. I have to admit, I was pretty excited. Besides a really bad headache, and vomit in my hair, I felt totally fine. I thought it would finally happen, and no friend or family or roommate had to find my body.
More time passes, and I finally feel just so exhausted as they poke and prode me for blood and questions. Then at one point, one of my doctors comes in with several other doctors and a few med students and told me that they had been consulting with so many doctors and their only guess as to what was happeneing to me was that I was suffering from methemoglobinemia. Fuck. He said there was one drug to reverse it: methlyn blue. FUCK. He told me that no one at that hospital has ever given it before, and he didnt think it would work, and the issue with this is, if that they were wrong, it would definitely kill me, but that without trying it I was likely going to die. He said he was agaisnt giving it to me because my ethnicity was prevenlent for some blood diseases, and normally he would have genetic testing done prior but there would be no way I stayed alive long enough to find out. Other doctors voted to have it given to me, and at that point I was just praying that I had this genetic disorder.
I dont. clearly. The shit hurt going in, they even had several residents and doctors and nurses come watch since it was the first time they had ever administered this drug, and within an hour I was totally fine. They kept me in the ICU, had students filtering around asking me questions. At one point when I was trying to sleep I heard one person talking to residents outside my door and the students were asking about drugs and psych, and the person updating them told them that I was very open about my history with suicide and drugs and that none of the doctors believed this was an attempt.
So I got away with it. They tested me for another genetic disorder that is common among my race that could have caused methemoglobinemia, but it was negative. It all came to a dead end of course. I looked at my charts, and the tests all put me as a normal ranges for everything, except for elevated WBC and platlettes. To this day, no one knows what happened and I still act dumb about it. But now that it's in my charts, I would have to plan better to not be found. atm in time, I'm still seeking another method, but now I'm just gently overdosing on Iron- which hasnt been fun- but hoping for some sort of painful organ failure.
So when I found this site a few years back, I had bookmarked the SN information guide. I was surprised to learn how difficult it was to get the product, but I finally found some (I triple checked that it was the correct one) and measured out 20 g (which is a lot). I went on a looong journey to find an antiemetic. It was so difficult. I even have a history of stopmach issues and nausea and migranes, but doctors continued to refuse to prescribe any. So one day, I just thought that I needed to do it. Or at least test it without the antiemetic to see how bad it is. Plus, I have been eagerly looking for a way out that is slow and painful- as I feel its what I deserve.
Because I read all the warning comments about not dissolving it anything but 50ml of water, I decided to portion a small amount out and preserve the rest in an old pill bottle (not sure why, but I wasn't really thinking anythign was going to happen besides throwing up), dissolved it in the water and drank. My god it was disgusting. The NASTIEST. I get nausiated thinking about it alomst a year later. I laid in bed and thought I would try to go to sleep (it was midnight). I immediately felt my heart beating hard, but no other symptoms. I wasn't able to fall asleep, as I felt slightly nauseated. It really wasn't bad, just a little annoying. After an hour of ignoring it, I was just like- 'Since I know what it'll feel like, I'm just gonna go ahead and throw this up". I figured a larger does would be more extreme, but that I would be better prepared.
The SECOND I stood, everything spun around me. I have had random fainting spells before and this is exactly what it felt like. I fell to my hands and knees and felt extreme nausea. I knew I needed to head to the toilet, so I started crawling my way over. I couldn't keep straight and kept bouncing off the walls. Then I projectile vomitted all over my bathroom floor. Never made it to the toilet. I kept falling over in it, and was extremely disgusted. By the time my stomach had emptied and I started dry heaving (very quickly), I grabbed a towel and started to very poorly clean it up, and the plan was to show, but I was still heaving and was too dizzy to even be on all fours. I heard my roommate call down to me asking if I was ok, which I said I was fine and that I was about to shower (slightly annoyed that she was awake).
I laid on the ground for a moment to try and steady myself. The next thing I know, I am being caried out of my bathroom by paramedics. My roommate is trying to explain my many illnesses and what her side of the story was and I was just thinking 'fuck. I failed and they know'. I was too angry and embarrassed to talk, and I was freezing, so when they tried to talk to me, I would just ignore them and tried closing my eyes. On the ambulance ride, I tried to get some rest in, but they were already poking and proding and telling me that they were going to give me oxygfen. At that time, my O2 sat was at 70% (which is very low). I was put in a room with about a 20 very beautiful doctors and nurses all trying to talk to me and yelling at each other.
The put on a O2 mask that forced air into you every time you breathed in, but because I was so cold, it was hard to have normal breaths. As time went on, it would be impossible to sleep, so I decided I would talk, but not tell them what I had done- act dumb about it. I didn't think it would work, but luckily because of my weird health history, it seemed understandable. I was also as honest as I could be without disclaiming what I had taken. Hide a lie in truth as they say. So I told them that I had just not been feeling well that evening and late at night I had just started feeling sick, got really dizzy and passed out after vomitting.
I told them that I usually have a sensitive stomach and thought it was food poising at first. I told them that this fainiting has happened before, where I would pass out for a long time. I also freely said that the last time it had happened I took shrooms and passed out for a long time and stopped breathing- whcih was true. They asked if I ever turned blue, which was when I noticed that my had was disgustingly transparent. I could see all of my veins through zombie grey flesh and it was a weird site. So I was like 'uh, no never'. They asked me if I ever thought about suicide before, and I told them truthfully that I think about it all the time (I also have very obvious scars on my body). They asked if this was an attempt and I said no. I know they believed me, because of a later conversation that they had in private that I over heard.
After a short conversation, I was pulled off to scans and all sorts of tests, and throughout this, I was wide awake, joking, telling them they were all doing great, but my O2 was still dropping at a pretty quick rate. They called the CDC, they had doctors zoom call from other countries, they were taking pictures. They had no idea what to do. Plenty of residents and med students also were able to filter through my room and I spoke to all of them and was totally truthful about everything. Except the one thing. At one point, one of the doctors that had been with me from the beginning and just held my hand and shook his head as he watched my O2 drop again. I have to admit, I was pretty excited. Besides a really bad headache, and vomit in my hair, I felt totally fine. I thought it would finally happen, and no friend or family or roommate had to find my body.
More time passes, and I finally feel just so exhausted as they poke and prode me for blood and questions. Then at one point, one of my doctors comes in with several other doctors and a few med students and told me that they had been consulting with so many doctors and their only guess as to what was happeneing to me was that I was suffering from methemoglobinemia. Fuck. He said there was one drug to reverse it: methlyn blue. FUCK. He told me that no one at that hospital has ever given it before, and he didnt think it would work, and the issue with this is, if that they were wrong, it would definitely kill me, but that without trying it I was likely going to die. He said he was agaisnt giving it to me because my ethnicity was prevenlent for some blood diseases, and normally he would have genetic testing done prior but there would be no way I stayed alive long enough to find out. Other doctors voted to have it given to me, and at that point I was just praying that I had this genetic disorder.
I dont. clearly. The shit hurt going in, they even had several residents and doctors and nurses come watch since it was the first time they had ever administered this drug, and within an hour I was totally fine. They kept me in the ICU, had students filtering around asking me questions. At one point when I was trying to sleep I heard one person talking to residents outside my door and the students were asking about drugs and psych, and the person updating them told them that I was very open about my history with suicide and drugs and that none of the doctors believed this was an attempt.
So I got away with it. They tested me for another genetic disorder that is common among my race that could have caused methemoglobinemia, but it was negative. It all came to a dead end of course. I looked at my charts, and the tests all put me as a normal ranges for everything, except for elevated WBC and platlettes. To this day, no one knows what happened and I still act dumb about it. But now that it's in my charts, I would have to plan better to not be found. atm in time, I'm still seeking another method, but now I'm just gently overdosing on Iron- which hasnt been fun- but hoping for some sort of painful organ failure.
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