Im reading on this site for years, I was always a passive, I never wanted to bother someone, so I just took on with my life.
Im just writing, english is not my first language, so I hope everyone can catch my thoughts.
I grew up with my parents, who moved away from their country, it was poland to germany. so rough about 900km from their home.
My parents were alcoholic since the day I remember. One of the first memories, I think I was 4?, was, if the door to the living room is closed, dont go there. It was a door with glass in it, but that milky one, but it was always about screaming and arguing, so I didnt have to see whats going on. I never understood what was going on, there were a lot of situations, where I was screamed at or pushed to go away. This continued on till I was about 7, then my sister was born.
We did Vacation only at my Grandma in Poland, she had a 2 room appartment, we children were in one of those rooms, my parents always drank till they went unconscious, no matter where they were, my grandma is a nice older lady, but she couldnt do anything about it. They were screaming, beating themselves, threatening each others. Every year it was the same vacation. I got sent multiple years for some weeks completely alone to my grandma, those were the best weeks of my life. It was a Bus, I was put on that drove me directly to the city my granny lived.
They did it also when we were at home. It was really horrible for me. I got dragged out of my bed, when I was 7 and told that I have to see what my mother does to my father, one was threateing the other one, idk. When I was about 8 I kinda realized what it was all about, I saw the bottles being bought, when we were shopping.
I still was dragged out, the next years, but just because my father wanted me to be a man. He tried to teach me self defense, while just hurting me at 2 in the morning, my mother was already passed out, so I had to deal with him. I stood up for myself when I was about 13 and kicked him in his balls and screaming shit like "dont ever wake me up" or smth like that. He got the thing.
They continued drinking heavily, my sister grew up and was noticing everything.
I was kind of an awkward kid, I was very shy, I tried to be on my own, other kids would invite others into their homes, I never wanted that, I didnt wanted them to meet my parents. I was bullied at some time at my 6th grade, but I met ppl that were like "tough"? maybe gangsters, ppl that took me the way I were. They never asked me for anything, I was just part of their group. It was the first time I felt alive and kinda loved. Noone ever bullied me. It was like a relieve, I never felt connected to them, for me it was just like a barrier. I really liked the most of them, but some were just assholes, beating ppl up and shit. But for me it was a superior thing, noone talked to me wrong. it was like that for a couple of years.
then i started to get to know me. with my first girlfriend. i am jealous. i hope thats the right word, because translation into german has different meanings. but anyway, i hate others talking to my girlfriend. i hate her for tallking to others. its crazy, but i kinda freak out when hearing it. it is something that would continue thru my life, everytime. i hate that. even when i trust somebody, i cant help with that feeling. im freaking out, i get angry, like really angry, i felt like i was betrayed all the time. she called an old friend, i freaked out. anything was triggering me. i knew that, i saw that it was idiotic, but the feeling was there. i cant help it.
i had 2 long relationships till now, both ended, because i was a complete jealous idiot. there was something else, which i call the love of my life, i destroyed that because of the same reason. i never felt anything to a human like i did in this relationship. i acted like a complete asshole and i lost her. after that i had my first suicide try, it was something idiotic, i drank 2 bottles wodka and took about 50 headache pills.
this thing triggered a lot of feelings in me. i cut myself, did another suicide attempt, while cutting me. I was drunk and really done with everything and called my mother, she was in poland. i told her i need help, i tried to do it vertical, like everybody tellin you. i lost a lot of blood, but just woke up in my room after 16 hours. i was mentally done. my mother heard the whole thing. she didnt mention it. doesnt care.
damn, i never wrote so much about me.
i think im gonna stop here, i hope you ppl dont judge me. i dont need that. i want to tell more, i need to tell
Im just writing, english is not my first language, so I hope everyone can catch my thoughts.
I grew up with my parents, who moved away from their country, it was poland to germany. so rough about 900km from their home.
My parents were alcoholic since the day I remember. One of the first memories, I think I was 4?, was, if the door to the living room is closed, dont go there. It was a door with glass in it, but that milky one, but it was always about screaming and arguing, so I didnt have to see whats going on. I never understood what was going on, there were a lot of situations, where I was screamed at or pushed to go away. This continued on till I was about 7, then my sister was born.
We did Vacation only at my Grandma in Poland, she had a 2 room appartment, we children were in one of those rooms, my parents always drank till they went unconscious, no matter where they were, my grandma is a nice older lady, but she couldnt do anything about it. They were screaming, beating themselves, threatening each others. Every year it was the same vacation. I got sent multiple years for some weeks completely alone to my grandma, those were the best weeks of my life. It was a Bus, I was put on that drove me directly to the city my granny lived.
They did it also when we were at home. It was really horrible for me. I got dragged out of my bed, when I was 7 and told that I have to see what my mother does to my father, one was threateing the other one, idk. When I was about 8 I kinda realized what it was all about, I saw the bottles being bought, when we were shopping.
I still was dragged out, the next years, but just because my father wanted me to be a man. He tried to teach me self defense, while just hurting me at 2 in the morning, my mother was already passed out, so I had to deal with him. I stood up for myself when I was about 13 and kicked him in his balls and screaming shit like "dont ever wake me up" or smth like that. He got the thing.
They continued drinking heavily, my sister grew up and was noticing everything.
I was kind of an awkward kid, I was very shy, I tried to be on my own, other kids would invite others into their homes, I never wanted that, I didnt wanted them to meet my parents. I was bullied at some time at my 6th grade, but I met ppl that were like "tough"? maybe gangsters, ppl that took me the way I were. They never asked me for anything, I was just part of their group. It was the first time I felt alive and kinda loved. Noone ever bullied me. It was like a relieve, I never felt connected to them, for me it was just like a barrier. I really liked the most of them, but some were just assholes, beating ppl up and shit. But for me it was a superior thing, noone talked to me wrong. it was like that for a couple of years.
then i started to get to know me. with my first girlfriend. i am jealous. i hope thats the right word, because translation into german has different meanings. but anyway, i hate others talking to my girlfriend. i hate her for tallking to others. its crazy, but i kinda freak out when hearing it. it is something that would continue thru my life, everytime. i hate that. even when i trust somebody, i cant help with that feeling. im freaking out, i get angry, like really angry, i felt like i was betrayed all the time. she called an old friend, i freaked out. anything was triggering me. i knew that, i saw that it was idiotic, but the feeling was there. i cant help it.
i had 2 long relationships till now, both ended, because i was a complete jealous idiot. there was something else, which i call the love of my life, i destroyed that because of the same reason. i never felt anything to a human like i did in this relationship. i acted like a complete asshole and i lost her. after that i had my first suicide try, it was something idiotic, i drank 2 bottles wodka and took about 50 headache pills.
this thing triggered a lot of feelings in me. i cut myself, did another suicide attempt, while cutting me. I was drunk and really done with everything and called my mother, she was in poland. i told her i need help, i tried to do it vertical, like everybody tellin you. i lost a lot of blood, but just woke up in my room after 16 hours. i was mentally done. my mother heard the whole thing. she didnt mention it. doesnt care.
damn, i never wrote so much about me.
i think im gonna stop here, i hope you ppl dont judge me. i dont need that. i want to tell more, i need to tell
