Help Unsure if I should do it

[ominisgaunt]

I don't really know why I'm making a post. I just don't know if I should do it or not.

I have a long-term health condition that significantly impacts my life and ability to do things. I can't go outside or see anyone due to risk of infection and serious disease. I'm in pain every day. My life is that of a ghost, of no one. I don't have any "friends".

When my family dies, I won't even be able to go to their funeral. I haven't seen them in-person in a long time and I most likely never will.

There isn't a cure, it's a new disease so the doctors can't even really tell me anything. I feel like a guinea pig or someone's experiment.

No one wants to be friends with someone like me. I understand that, why would they? People are out for their own benefit, they're mean, abusive and selfish, especially to disabled or ill people. I've had enough.

I don't want to live a life like this, in a world like this, it's just not worth it. No one I've talked to understands the experience I have.

I've been thinking of jumping off a really high cliff for a while now. There's one a few hours train ride away. If I find a good spot with no ledges, it would be quite certain to kill me, I hope. It's one of the highest cliffs, if not the highest, in the country.

Most days I can't stop crying. I've tried CBT but it just felt belittling and didn't really help. They told me I can try different therapies, but for how long? How many different ones will I need to cycle through just to find out none of them make any difference?

I'm tired of being told "it gets better" by healthy people who have absolutely no idea or experience of what my life is like every day. No, my condition likely won't get better because doctors don't know shit and no one cares.

When I call helplines they say things like "Your life is precious" and "You have so much inherent worth as a human being". Clearly none of those things are true, if they were I wouldn't have spent my life being abused and now in pain and sobbing every day. How is that precious?

I'd just want to know that if I do it, I won't survive.

 

[willitpass]

I'm sorry you're suffering. No one can answer that question but you. I truly hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. It's awful to constantly be told to keep trying when you've been trying and fighting for so long.

 

[iloverachel]

I am really sorry to hear of your struggles, it sounds truly awful what you are going through

Whatever you choose to do, good luck and best wishes my friend

 

[Hotsackage]

I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm like that mentally, can't really talk to anyone, and most people just scowl at me. I wish you well

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much but anyway I wish you the best, it must be so dreadful what you are going through, it's certainly such a cruel existence where people suffer so unbearably all through no fault of their own.

 

[evannave]

I don't really know why I'm making a post. I just don't know if I should do it or not.

I have a long-term health condition that significantly impacts my life and ability to do things. I can't go outside or see anyone due to risk of infection and serious disease. I'm in pain every day. My life is that of a ghost, of no one. I don't have any "friends".

When my family dies, I won't even be able to go to their funeral. I haven't seen them in-person in a long time and I most likely never will.

There isn't a cure, it's a new disease so the doctors can't even really tell me anything. I feel like a guinea pig or someone's experiment.

No one wants to be friends with someone like me. I understand that, why would they? People are out for their own benefit, they're mean, abusive and selfish, especially to disabled or ill people. I've had enough.

I don't want to live a life like this, in a world like this, it's just not worth it. No one I've talked to understands the experience I have.

I've been thinking of jumping off a really high cliff for a while now. There's one a few hours train ride away. If I find a good spot with no ledges, it would be quite certain to kill me, I hope. It's one of the highest cliffs, if not the highest, in the country.

Most days I can't stop crying. I've tried CBT but it just felt belittling and didn't really help. They told me I can try different therapies, but for how long? How many different ones will I need to cycle through just to find out none of them make any difference?

I'm tired of being told "it gets better" by healthy people who have absolutely no idea or experience of what my life is like every day. No, my condition likely won't get better because doctors don't know shit and no one cares.

When I call helplines they say things like "Your life is precious" and "You have so much inherent worth as a human being". Clearly none of those things are true, if they were I wouldn't have spent my life being abused and now in pain and sobbing every day. How is that precious?

I'd just want to know that if I do it, I won't survive.

It sounds like you're suffering a lot :/ I'm really sorry that you've had to go through all of this. In the end, to CTB is your decision, but it should be a long-thought-out and well-planned decision. We love my friend, if you ever need anything, we are here for you.