I'd been contemplating since yesterday whether or not today would be the day I finally do it. I woke up this morning with a feeling of acceptance, as if my day had finally arrived. For context, I originally planned to ctb at the end of last year but with the holiday's going on, USPS took too long to deliver my SN and by the time it arrived, I wasn't feeling it anymore. For this reason, I've had a kit of everything I need for the last few months.
I woke up, went to work, my manager asked me what I'm doing today and I responded with "killing myself, jk." He knows I'm on antidepressants and told me not to joke like that, but deep down I told myself it wasn't a joke.
I got home and slept for a few hours. I made sure to have my last meal at work so I'd be eight hours fasted. Sleeping meant I'd be water fasted by the time I was ready. I woke up and kept staring at my kit. I've journaled regularly for three years now and today's entry read much more like a suicide note than any of the entires I've written in the past. I took everything out of the box, took my acetaminophen, and set a timer. I remember playing alameda by Elliot Smith as I teared up while writing my journal entry, knowing this may be the last day I'd ever see. I set a timer after taking my acetaminophen to take my metoclopramide but I just couldn't bring myself to it. While I'm disappointed that I chickened out, I'm also glad that the only thing I used from my kit is easily replaceable for the future.
It was interesting today, knowing that everything may be my last. I paid extra attention to the rainy morning and the cool, sunny atmosphere after I'd gotten out of work. I paid attention to the food I ate, knowing it'd be the last time I get to taste these things.
I've been very open with my therapist since I started going to therapy, but this is the closest I've gotten to following through since I started going late last year. I have therapy weekly and I'm not sure yet if I want to be honest with her. I have a medication review on Friday and I'm a little worried that if I express my suicidal intent tonight, my doses may be upped :/
Maybe some day, but not today I guess.
I woke up, went to work, my manager asked me what I'm doing today and I responded with "killing myself, jk." He knows I'm on antidepressants and told me not to joke like that, but deep down I told myself it wasn't a joke.
I got home and slept for a few hours. I made sure to have my last meal at work so I'd be eight hours fasted. Sleeping meant I'd be water fasted by the time I was ready. I woke up and kept staring at my kit. I've journaled regularly for three years now and today's entry read much more like a suicide note than any of the entires I've written in the past. I took everything out of the box, took my acetaminophen, and set a timer. I remember playing alameda by Elliot Smith as I teared up while writing my journal entry, knowing this may be the last day I'd ever see. I set a timer after taking my acetaminophen to take my metoclopramide but I just couldn't bring myself to it. While I'm disappointed that I chickened out, I'm also glad that the only thing I used from my kit is easily replaceable for the future.
It was interesting today, knowing that everything may be my last. I paid extra attention to the rainy morning and the cool, sunny atmosphere after I'd gotten out of work. I paid attention to the food I ate, knowing it'd be the last time I get to taste these things.
I've been very open with my therapist since I started going to therapy, but this is the closest I've gotten to following through since I started going late last year. I have therapy weekly and I'm not sure yet if I want to be honest with her. I have a medication review on Friday and I'm a little worried that if I express my suicidal intent tonight, my doses may be upped :/
Maybe some day, but not today I guess.
