Hi, I'm not sure why I'm writing this or what I could ever expect; I've been meaning to make a post here for weeks but have been putting it off like I do everything else in my life. I had hoped to vent on here and steel myself but now I don't know what I want lol. I'm turning 24 this month and plan to CTB a week before. I don't want to go really but I'm even more scared of not putting a stop to all this pain. I'm sure I'll procrastinate this too and become even more miserable and make even more of a gaping hole in everyone's lives; but for now I plan to die in twelve days. I'd hoped for some sense of peace like people talk about some times but my attempts to spend the last days ill have happy or meaningfully have thus far failed as miserably as every important thing in my life and I've only grown more upset and impatient than ever. Soon nothing will matter though and the cold certainty of that drags me forward. I feel terrible and so scared for everyone in my life I know this is going to hurt them so bad and I really don't want to go I am so lucky and loved I wish I things were different I wish I hadn't repeatedly misplayed every moment of my life I wish I wasn't an ingrate and being loved was enough but I cannot take the prison of my body. If I had transitioned young I would've had a chance but I was groomed and manipulated and waited till 20 and all I wish is I'd killed myself before my body was ruined and inescapable. Even in death I will never know freedom from this prison but at least I will not be conscious of my suffering anymore. I wish it wasn't going to hurt everyone who loves and supports me I'm so fortunate in so many ways and I wish I hadn't made the mistakes that made this irreparable. I would give anything for things to be different. I wish I could live I wish I could keep going I wish I could get all the things I need but are out of reach but I know they wouldn't be enough and I'd still have to kill myself I wish so many things but none of it will come true and my only real option is to put a stop to the hurt.
Sorry for the wall of text. I'll probably be posting more for the next twelve or so days. Thank you if you took the time to read or reply I hope and truly wish for you all to make the recoveries you deserve but failing that I hope those of us who cannot will know the peace we deserve.
Sorry for the wall of text. I'll probably be posting more for the next twelve or so days. Thank you if you took the time to read or reply I hope and truly wish for you all to make the recoveries you deserve but failing that I hope those of us who cannot will know the peace we deserve.
