iw2live_idkhow
Cryptid
- Mar 5, 2025
- 26
I've caught myself a few times looking for problems in an otherwise normal day for me to loop back to despair/depression. For example sometimes, from a logical lense, I know someone cares for me and wouldn't wish me harm, and yet I'm always analysing their every action in my head and looking for ones that are bad. I also know this is a habit I've picked up from how I grew up, but despite recognising that and sometimes recognising the pattern, I still allow it to make me feel sad and unloved.
Sometimes I'll be having a normal day and my mind will think, isn't there something you should be sad about? And then I go back to thinking about everything that makes me sad until I can't move anymore and waste another day away.
I've tried most coping mechanisms, methods, ways of thinking, to try and break out of this cycle. I've tried finding some things in the future to look forward to (incredibly hard and few and far between) but not only is it challenging, it just doesn't work. I don't care enough. I find it incredibly hard to want to really do anything. I can kind of stall these feelings a bit if I focus on a game or work or something, but they just come right back. They're always there.
I have lots of reasons to be sad, but ultimately, the thing keeping me there is I see no reason not to stay there. I don't care for money, kids, property, or any materialistic things. I never asked to be here, and I don't really want to stay, yet I can't find the strength to go yet either. I want to learn how to live, because there must be something to it all, but I just can't work it out, nothing clicks. And because nothing clicks, I end up back where I started.
I try and find hobbies, and yeah there's a few things I like, yet the ultimate meaninglessness of it all sinks back in once the distraction that it is ends. Is that all life is? Jumping from distraction to distraction to minimise the thoughts of wanting to die?
I hate my body so much. I've tried to fix it, but I still hate it, and as I age there only appears to be more issues that will arrive, as some already have. I hate how I'm perceived, I hate how my brain works, I hate that I keep getting stuck here. I hate that I keep coming back to this site. I hate that I have methods in mind and that they make me feel somehow more secure. I hate how I've isolated myself. I hate how I treat other people. I hate our world and the rich people in it. I hate people in general, well, most of them anyway.
Sometimes I'll be having a normal day and my mind will think, isn't there something you should be sad about? And then I go back to thinking about everything that makes me sad until I can't move anymore and waste another day away.
I've tried most coping mechanisms, methods, ways of thinking, to try and break out of this cycle. I've tried finding some things in the future to look forward to (incredibly hard and few and far between) but not only is it challenging, it just doesn't work. I don't care enough. I find it incredibly hard to want to really do anything. I can kind of stall these feelings a bit if I focus on a game or work or something, but they just come right back. They're always there.
I have lots of reasons to be sad, but ultimately, the thing keeping me there is I see no reason not to stay there. I don't care for money, kids, property, or any materialistic things. I never asked to be here, and I don't really want to stay, yet I can't find the strength to go yet either. I want to learn how to live, because there must be something to it all, but I just can't work it out, nothing clicks. And because nothing clicks, I end up back where I started.
I try and find hobbies, and yeah there's a few things I like, yet the ultimate meaninglessness of it all sinks back in once the distraction that it is ends. Is that all life is? Jumping from distraction to distraction to minimise the thoughts of wanting to die?
I hate my body so much. I've tried to fix it, but I still hate it, and as I age there only appears to be more issues that will arrive, as some already have. I hate how I'm perceived, I hate how my brain works, I hate that I keep getting stuck here. I hate that I keep coming back to this site. I hate that I have methods in mind and that they make me feel somehow more secure. I hate how I've isolated myself. I hate how I treat other people. I hate our world and the rich people in it. I hate people in general, well, most of them anyway.
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