I think it's all worthless

[kuroshimi]

Recently I am thinking about giving another shot to therapy. When I came to psychiatrist in last year, right away I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and prescribed meds. I told about my suicidal ideation, attempts and generally how I feel. At some point I started feeling worse along with negative side effects and changed the treatment plan (just started to take another meds) and started to feel better overall.

Now I am not taking any medications. I feel terrible about my life again. Just don't want to live in this despair. And I don't see myself in future, I'm not even sure it will be.

But at the same time I don't really ready to die. Although I began preparing myself to ctb, I still have some hope that I will get my life in order. And I should probably try to get therapy once again.

On other side, I don't think it makes much sense. The world is declining rapidly every time and I don't want to observe this. Therapy won't fix the world state, therapy won't heal the wound from my childhood traumatic experience. Therapy won't reduce my worries about future. At least that what I think.

I am not sure if it's even get better, I don't see any other variants.

 

[Dr.Duck]

Maybe that can be your test to see if you're ready to die. You can try therapy and if that doesn't work I'm sorry. But if it works you'll finally take the steps to your dreams. Help improve your social life (idk your social life I'm just guessing). Hope you find peace in any of your decisions.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

I went through the therapy/try to get better routine a few times and it all depends on you as a person ... it's definitely not for everyone but I hope you're able to get better, you seem like a really interesting person .

 

[kuroshimi]

Bump.

 

[ObsidianWatcher]

Therapy and medication helped me, but that road is going to look different for everyone. Personally I always think it's worth a try. Much like with medication, if you don't connect with a therapist or don't feel their methods are helpful, you can just switch. There's no limit to the number of therapists you can try until one resonates with you.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Sadly I can relate.

After being left by two of my friends who made me felt understood I started self-harming given that I wasn't doing well mentally even before then. Being occasionally whipped by my father during my childhood didn't help it either. Medication made me feel awful, it made everything even worse. Now I'm stuck with a different type of it which isn't as bad, but doesn't make life meaningful. I have no future, wish I had it in me to at least end it all. For whatever reason, I'm naive, so I remain to see if things get any better. Spoiler alert, they don't, screw life. Talking to a therapist didn't get me anywhere. All my psychiatrist does is prescribe me meds. After being pushed to find another therapist things didn't get any better. I find it incredibly hard to open up, so talking to him is pointless. I'm merely wasting more of my mother's hard earned money. I'm indeed a waste of oxygen.

I'm not here to boast about having it hard as everyone has it rough. In fact, I'm convinced everyone has it much worse than me, but that doesn't make it hurt any less! I merely wanted to share my story to make you feel less alone. For better or worse, there are numerous people struggling with staying alive.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Definitely try things - CTB will always be there but given the "no return" policy on successful suicides, give your self some time to see if you can find a little solace in the your world. I tried a lot of counsellors, therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists over the decades and I only found one that helped. Assuming you do manage to find one, still work on the other aspects of mental health; i.e. exercise, good health habits, etc.

Also, my recommendation is stay away from the news. I do not look at anything except a synopsis of the day's headlines and the Good News Network. Call it head in the sand but I call it emotional energy conservation. I have only so many "F's" to give and I want to give them to my family or my firm, etc. Identify your dreams and keep them in your mind. LIfe is going to knock the crap out of you and if you can focus on something in the future that gives you energy, then it is more likely you can keep going. I'm pulling for you to succeed!!

 

[Hotsackage]

start walking, your life will change

 

[Seneca65AD]

Sadly I can relate.

After being left by two of my friends who made me felt understood I started self-harming given that I wasn't doing well mentally even before then. Being occasionally whipped by my father during my childhood didn't help it either. Medication made me feel awful, it made everything even worse. Now I'm stuck with a different type of it which isn't as bad, but doesn't make life meaningful. I have no future, wish I had it in me to at least end it all. For whatever reason, I'm naive, so I remain to see if things get any better. Spoiler alert, they don't, screw life. Talking to a therapist didn't get me anywhere. All my psychiatrist does is prescribe me meds. After being pushed to find another therapist things didn't get any better. I find it incredibly hard to open up, so talking to him is pointless. I'm merely wasting more of my mother's hard earned money. I'm indeed a waste of oxygen.

I'm not here to boast about having it hard as everyone has it rough. In fact, I'm convinced everyone has it much worse than me, but that doesn't make it hurt any less! I merely wanted to share my story to make you feel less alone. For better or worse, there are numerous people struggling with staying alive.

Wow.. I don't want to hijack the OP's thread but you are not a waste of oxygen. You got dealt a horrible hand in life. If a therapist doesn't help you, then stop going. Only you can decide what works and what doesn't - just give what ever you try an honest effort. Don't forget that SaSu is here and it's not just about CTB. There are more caring and compassionate people here than any other site I have come across. Some of us may have the odd answer that can provide a little solace to you or put you on a particular path of something to try.

But, do not let your past determine your worth as an invidiual. You were/are a victim of a horrible parent and a lousy social situation, so don't blame yourself for where you are now. Cut youself some slack and see if you can find a little peace where the voices are not quite as loud. If you could design your life, what would it look like in 5 years? Where would you live? What would you do? It may sound silly but hopefully it gets you of the "now" for a little while.......

 

[Pony Slaystation]

There is an alternative to ctb.

It's just . . . waiting . . . not doing anything.