I think I'm ready to leave, but i still have a few doubts.

[Tired_potato]

I have been struggling with this depression and suicidal ideation for years now, and I'm so tired.
I don't want to go on like this, I want out.
It causes me to self harm it made end up in the ER a few times.

I order some rope, and have been looking in to the method of hanging is the best for a quick exit. I'm planing on partial suspension, but I'm not really sure to place the rope above or below the adamsapple. Or I'm gonna slit my wrists, due to my self harm the sight of blood kinda calms me.
I didn't plan a day yet, because I want to get my affairs in order first, but I'm starting to make plans.

I think im ready to leave this fucking shit hole, the only thing that is stopping me is that I have a very loving partner and great parents, who I will leave behind. And I know I will hurt them so much with this. I wish i didnt have these people caring so much for me, it would make ctb so much easier. I'm inclined to let my therapist know my plan, and voluntary go to the psych ward to try to give it another chance. But I have been struggling for so many years now, and it still didn't get beter.

I'm just so very tired of this struggle, that I'm kinda done fighting.

 

[outrider567]

I have been struggling with this depression and suicidal ideation for years now, and I'm so tired.
I don't want to go on like this, I want out.
It causes me to self harm it made end up in the ER a few times.

I order some rope, and have been looking in to the method of hanging is the best for a quick exit. I'm planing on partial suspension, but I'm not really sure to place the rope above or below the adamsapple. Or I'm gonna slit my wrists, due to my self harm the sight of blood kinda calms me.
I didn't plan a day yet, because I want to get my affairs in order first, but I'm starting to make plans.

I think im ready to leave this fucking shit hole, the only thing that is stopping me is that I have a very loving partner and great parents, who I will leave behind. And I know I will hurt them so much with this. I wish i didnt have these people caring so much for me, it would make ctb so much easier. I'm inclined to let my therapist know my plan, and voluntary go to the psych ward to try to give it another chance. But I have been struggling for so many years now, and it still didn't get beter.

I'm just so very tired of this struggle, that I'm kinda done fighting.

I'm getting tired of the struggle also, created by grief--only my cousin Pam in Seattle and my Step-mother in NYC will miss me(they know I'm depressed but both not a clue on my CTB plans), with my parents, and especially my girlfriend, dead and gone..........little reason to hang around anymore

 

[Ldog9]

I'm inclined to let my therapist know my plan, and voluntary go to the psych ward to try to give it another chance.

You have doubts and you're unsure, go with your instincts. It sounds like you have a good support system. If theres hope and you have options, imo you should exhaust them all and keep giving it your best shot before even considering ctb. You absolutely still have a chance.

 

[Tired_potato]

You have doubts and you're unsure, go with your instincts. It sounds like you have a good support system. If theres hope and you have options, imo you should exhaust them all and keep giving it your best shot before even considering ctb. You absolutely still have a chance.

Yeah I know your right, but at the moment I am so damn tired of everything.

My partner know that I'm suicidal but still thinks it's passive. We have talked a bit about it the last few days, and we don't live together yet because the housing market is shit, but we are thinking that it would be wise for me to move in with him for a few weeks. So that I'm not alone anymore.

I have a depersonalization problem and adhd on top of the depression so when I'm in a bad mood I emotionally shut down and can be very impulsive. Combine that with selfharm and ctb you have a disaster cocktail.

But yeah, I will give it some more thought, and I have still have a lot of affairs to get in order before I can really commit to ctb.

 

[wljourney]

Your doubts mean that you still have at least a glimmer of hope for your situation to improve.

That's not a bad thing. You are open to trying a bit more to maybe get better.

Also: the methods you are considering are not necessarily the most reliable. Cutting yourself will hurt you, yes. But it's very unreliable for CTB. similar with partial suspension - it's a step up from cutting, as it can absolutely lead to your death, but for most it's like "flirting" with the idea of suicide but not really wanting to succeed. And that's ok!!

Discuss with your doctor/therapist what other options you have. That's better than harming yourself or accidentally hanging yourself when you really didn't mean to.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have been suffering for a long time. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I have never attempted hanging personally, it sounds like a difficult method because of the SI and there is the fear of failure. Cutting does sound like an risky way to leave this world, and I have never personally considered this method. It does frustrate me that ctb is so difficult, but I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do.

 

[Tired_potato]

Discuss with your doctor/therapist what other options you have. That's better than harming yourself or accidentally hanging yourself when you really didn't mean to.

I'm thinking about emailing my therapist today, just to let her know what's up, and telling her that I have been making plans for ctb.
I myself am so tired of this that I want some rest, and the thought dying sounds like a nice well deserved rest for me. But the only thing that give me doubt is my partner, he doesn't deserved the pain he get when I decide to ctb.

And that's the one thing that is holding me back, that and my cats, I know they wil have a great home with my parents, but both of them are very bonded with me

Also: the methods you are considering are not necessarily the most reliable. Cutting yourself will hurt you, yes. But it's very unreliable for CTB. similar with partial suspension - it's a step up from cutting, as it can absolutely lead to your death, but for most it's like "flirting" with the idea of suicide but not really wanting to succeed. And that's ok!!

yeah i kinda figured that cutting has a low succes rate, because of my selfharm problem my mind just kinda went there with, just cut the wrist and be done with it.

And thank for the kind words about the "flirting with death" I'm still kinda looking and taking in info for a good and not stressful way of ctb.
I don't know at the moment if it is just flirting or a real attempt for ctb, but at the moment I'm staying and see what my options are with both my therapist and ctb. And thank the gods that the psych ward in my country are actually good and having a great support system, so it's not a place that I fear.

 

[MicropBaldCurrycel]

im off the opinion that even if you have the slightest doubt or hesitation then dont do it.

Suicide is something that one should be 100% sure and content with their decision.

 

[Chronic]

Sounds like you should wait and go be with your bf and see if that helps improve your quality of life. There's no rush in dying if you're not ready. I think I'm 90 percent ready myself at the moment but that's an improvement from previous years when I was cutting (have some nasty scars as a result) and talking to the hotline while in a locked room sobbing with a loaded .357 pointed at my head. I've since evolved to less violent methods...gas asphyxiation, SN, and opiates. Please, take your time and try not to do it while in emotional distress. When/if it's time, you'll know for sure.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

You are not ready to CTB or even sure if you want to, and that is okay. Explore other options and see if you can turn things around.

All because you are on this site, does not mean you have to commit to CTB.