Venting I think I'm on my officially last week

[VoidMe]

I don't know how to start here, so I'll just say it. I think I'll kill myself next Tuesday, tomorrow is my nephew's birthday and I hate doing that so close from it, but I want to do it for a long time, from 2 months ago I'm saying out loud for basically everyone I'm with suicidal thoughts and that I want to die, I want to want to live, I'm giving everyone a chance to give me the will to keep living, because I'm tired, so tired. My 3 nibbling all have birthdays together, and I love them, so much. Nothing works, my meds look like candy with all the good they do. They always think they have more time, but I really want to go. My mom want to make go to a clinic, I don't really want to go, but if it work it would be great, I guess. But if it is after Tuesday I don't think I'll be alive to go.

Sunday I took them to the movie theater one last time, my niece of two years said something resembling my name 2 days ago, I'm thinking on visiting my grandma this weekend. My RPG group cancelled this week, which means my last session was last week and I didn't knew that. I'm doing a lot of effort to wait until next week. I think 5 days can be a good buffer for a 7yo kid to not associate his birthday with my death, at least I hope so.

I'm planning to use the night-night way, I really hope I said it the right one. I feel like everything is meaningless, life is a giant nothing burger and then you die, I'm just dying a little earlier. I wish I had someone to do it with me, but lately I'm a fucking mess, my boyfriend broke up with me, my mom fired me from her shop, I can't hold a conversation for the life of me, my college is paused and I'm on there since 2016, I'm useless. I love my nibbling and I think deal with them is the only thing I do right.

I'm diagnosed with autism, ADHD, OCD, anxiety, depression, borderline and high intelligence (forgot the term for that and searching for it is too bothersome).

Sorry for the rumbling, English isn't my native language. Anyone can say what you want I'll respond. Although I'll probably be ignored lol

 

[Passenger4224]

As someone else with a full resume of mental disabilities ... it really does just feel like a death sentence.

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. I hope you find peace no matter what you decide.

 

[endboss]

Here on SaSu are tons of people who have incredibly shitty health and multiple ailments. I think it's crazy just how much some people have to carry compared to "normal" people. It's not fair.

 

[VoidMe]

As someone else with a full resume of mental disabilities ... it really does just feel like a death sentence.

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. I hope you find peace no matter what you decide.

Thanks you. I would say that means a lot, but I don't know, I'm weird and don't believe in words and people. But I really appreciate the gesture, and I'm really happy that you took the time to read and reply to me. Most of the times I feel like a void (hence the name) and that I'm screaming and nobody not even noticing, maybe it's because I say that that doesn't mean a lot, I'm such a fuck up, it's written and I didn't send it yet, I could just erase but thanks anyway.

Here on SaSu are tons of people who have incredibly shitty health and multiple ailments. I think it's crazy just how much some people have to carry compared to "normal" people. It's not fair.

The weird thing is that I look normal, I learned pretty soon what is acceptable or not in society. And that is one of my problems, nobody takes me seriously when I say my diagnosis, because I'm so cheerful and intelligent, a little bit quirky, but not something that would raise eyebrows. In reality most of the time I'm too weird for the normal people and too normal for the weird people. I'm always in between. In my family I'm mostly alone in my age bracket where most of my cousins have 2 or 3 others with them, so I always had to choose babysit the younger ones or be bullied by my older cousins. I'm never hated, but never the wanted one, I'm always there, always existing. Man if I take each comment here and vent my life out I'll scare everyone