nogoodfatautist
Dreaming of another universe
- Oct 31, 2023
- 9
This is probably going to be all over the place so bear with me, I just want to get it all out.
I've finally decided I am going to CTB next week.
Back in 2020 I made a promise to myself that if life didn't get better by November of that year I was going to CTB. Now alas life didn't really get better but I discovered the concept of reality shifting November 4th(I remember the day because i made a tiktok that day about it lol). This concept is what made me decide to stick around. I have been a daydreamer ever since I could remember and I wished that I could be in these worlds I would conjure up. The fact that I discovered it at that point where I was ready to ctb was a huge sign to me that I should stick around and I did. Now Im not here to discuss whether or not it is real or not, nevertheless I believed it with some skepticisim, but overall just hope that it would work for me. I have had some experiences where I might have been close but when they happened I discredited them so at this point I cant tell if I was shifting or lucid dreaming. But anyways the point is I have not been able to fully do it.
Last year was possibly the worst year of my life so far and thats saying something. However I kept pushing and kept trying to shift until this year. I hit the absolute bottom last month with my mental health and my weight. I've been chubby my whole life but last year I actually reached the obese category. I dont see myself ever losing weight because food is one of the last three things that is keeping me in this world, along with gaming and shifting. But being in an obese body is one of the most uncomfortable and dehumanizing experiences ever. Feeling my fat rolls rub together constantly is such a sensory trigger for me and the fact that I can get an infection if i dont clean between them makes me so disgusted with myself. I already have had difficulties with regular hygiene and now i have no choice but to shower but everytime i shower i feel like the workers at seaworld cleaning off the shamu whales... Anyways the fact that I am stuck in this body is one of the number one reasons I am ctbing. Also people automatically see you as a fat lazy slob and less than human so its not worth trying to go out into the world looking like this.
I quit my fulltime job of two years last June because it was so mentally draining and traumatizing that I had panic attacks daily. I wont say what I did specifically but it was heavily customer service based and I was verbally abused and harrased almost daily for things that were almost always out of my control. As someone with autism that hates/is terrible with socialization and is extremely sensitive it was soul sucking. The only reason I took the job in the first place was because at the time I did not know I was autistic, I thought I was just a shy awkward girl with anxiety and depression and getting this job would "GET ME OUT OF MY SHELL" and then I would be a normal human again. Obviously that didn't happen and by the time I figured out it was autism and I would never be "normal" it was too late and the irreparable damage to my mental health was done. (I am not formally diagnosed and I am not going to have this argument with anyone, i dont care if you believe self dx is valid or not, i know myself and my truth, and no Im not an attention seeking tiktoker).
Anyways since then I found something I thought I wanted to do with my miserable life and started going to college fulltime online. In the beginning I was doing really well and was excited. Well it got harder and harder and my mental health got worse and worse. My health insurance ended with my employment and I wasn't able to get insured under any sort of plan until November. Fine, I wait till November and find out the cheapest plan is $200 a month. So basically I needed to get a job to get insurance but I am too depressed and too socially anxious to get a job, and to help with my anxiety I need a doctor to help... you see the trap. So I am basically screwed and don't get me started on how difficult it is to seek an autism assesment as an adult woman even with insurance. So either way no formal diagnosis for me for the forseeable future and no mental health help either without paying an arm and a leg. (Im American our healthcare system is a joke).
Going back to my schooling, it is the hardest it has been so far and I am now realizing I picked the wrong career path. I dont want to drop out because then I have to pay back my financial aid which I really dont want to do and also my family is going to be extremely upset with me. I have been having meltdowns almost everyday since the semester started and I know its almost over but it doesn't matter. I realized this career path isn't for me and that there is NO career path for me. I was not wired to work. I cant focus on anything I dont care about for longer than 5 minutes and I obviously just cant socialize normally. I have no interest in a career or job anymore because I just want to be dead.
Final straw was yesterday when I got a court summons for jury duty. It is the entire month of March. I can't be excused because I am not formally diagnosed and while I am formally diagnosed for severe anxiety and depression, I cant go get a note from the doctor without paying out of pocket. Also the idea of going to the doctor in the first place sends me into a panic. So either way I have to go or be fined or jailed... I know it seems like something small and trivial but I have been depressed for 12 years and suicidal for 10 with the worst of it being this last year, this final thing was the just the final nail in my coffin.
I was originally going to hold out until November 2024 to see for one last time if things got better or I shifted. But after this week and more difficulty with school and the jury duty, I have decided I am going to do it next week. I am going order a rope from amazon on Friday/Saturday so it will get to my home on Monday/Tuesday when I will be home alone. I have yet to write my offical note or anything. I feel immensely guilty for doing this to my mom and sister since they already went through this with my dad passing in 2011. (Which is another reason im ctbing but thats for another day). But at the end of the day it will be a net positive for all of us. I find peace, and they dont have to worry about me anymore. I think its a fair trade. I also feel bad for my cat but I dont think she will care that much unfortunately. Anyways I really thought I was going to hold out until November... but the idea of being dead next week fills me with more peace than I have ever felt.
If you read this far or read any of this at all thanks... I dont blame you if you didn't. I just wanted to get this out somewhere.
I've finally decided I am going to CTB next week.
Back in 2020 I made a promise to myself that if life didn't get better by November of that year I was going to CTB. Now alas life didn't really get better but I discovered the concept of reality shifting November 4th(I remember the day because i made a tiktok that day about it lol). This concept is what made me decide to stick around. I have been a daydreamer ever since I could remember and I wished that I could be in these worlds I would conjure up. The fact that I discovered it at that point where I was ready to ctb was a huge sign to me that I should stick around and I did. Now Im not here to discuss whether or not it is real or not, nevertheless I believed it with some skepticisim, but overall just hope that it would work for me. I have had some experiences where I might have been close but when they happened I discredited them so at this point I cant tell if I was shifting or lucid dreaming. But anyways the point is I have not been able to fully do it.
Last year was possibly the worst year of my life so far and thats saying something. However I kept pushing and kept trying to shift until this year. I hit the absolute bottom last month with my mental health and my weight. I've been chubby my whole life but last year I actually reached the obese category. I dont see myself ever losing weight because food is one of the last three things that is keeping me in this world, along with gaming and shifting. But being in an obese body is one of the most uncomfortable and dehumanizing experiences ever. Feeling my fat rolls rub together constantly is such a sensory trigger for me and the fact that I can get an infection if i dont clean between them makes me so disgusted with myself. I already have had difficulties with regular hygiene and now i have no choice but to shower but everytime i shower i feel like the workers at seaworld cleaning off the shamu whales... Anyways the fact that I am stuck in this body is one of the number one reasons I am ctbing. Also people automatically see you as a fat lazy slob and less than human so its not worth trying to go out into the world looking like this.
I quit my fulltime job of two years last June because it was so mentally draining and traumatizing that I had panic attacks daily. I wont say what I did specifically but it was heavily customer service based and I was verbally abused and harrased almost daily for things that were almost always out of my control. As someone with autism that hates/is terrible with socialization and is extremely sensitive it was soul sucking. The only reason I took the job in the first place was because at the time I did not know I was autistic, I thought I was just a shy awkward girl with anxiety and depression and getting this job would "GET ME OUT OF MY SHELL" and then I would be a normal human again. Obviously that didn't happen and by the time I figured out it was autism and I would never be "normal" it was too late and the irreparable damage to my mental health was done. (I am not formally diagnosed and I am not going to have this argument with anyone, i dont care if you believe self dx is valid or not, i know myself and my truth, and no Im not an attention seeking tiktoker).
Anyways since then I found something I thought I wanted to do with my miserable life and started going to college fulltime online. In the beginning I was doing really well and was excited. Well it got harder and harder and my mental health got worse and worse. My health insurance ended with my employment and I wasn't able to get insured under any sort of plan until November. Fine, I wait till November and find out the cheapest plan is $200 a month. So basically I needed to get a job to get insurance but I am too depressed and too socially anxious to get a job, and to help with my anxiety I need a doctor to help... you see the trap. So I am basically screwed and don't get me started on how difficult it is to seek an autism assesment as an adult woman even with insurance. So either way no formal diagnosis for me for the forseeable future and no mental health help either without paying an arm and a leg. (Im American our healthcare system is a joke).
Going back to my schooling, it is the hardest it has been so far and I am now realizing I picked the wrong career path. I dont want to drop out because then I have to pay back my financial aid which I really dont want to do and also my family is going to be extremely upset with me. I have been having meltdowns almost everyday since the semester started and I know its almost over but it doesn't matter. I realized this career path isn't for me and that there is NO career path for me. I was not wired to work. I cant focus on anything I dont care about for longer than 5 minutes and I obviously just cant socialize normally. I have no interest in a career or job anymore because I just want to be dead.
Final straw was yesterday when I got a court summons for jury duty. It is the entire month of March. I can't be excused because I am not formally diagnosed and while I am formally diagnosed for severe anxiety and depression, I cant go get a note from the doctor without paying out of pocket. Also the idea of going to the doctor in the first place sends me into a panic. So either way I have to go or be fined or jailed... I know it seems like something small and trivial but I have been depressed for 12 years and suicidal for 10 with the worst of it being this last year, this final thing was the just the final nail in my coffin.
I was originally going to hold out until November 2024 to see for one last time if things got better or I shifted. But after this week and more difficulty with school and the jury duty, I have decided I am going to do it next week. I am going order a rope from amazon on Friday/Saturday so it will get to my home on Monday/Tuesday when I will be home alone. I have yet to write my offical note or anything. I feel immensely guilty for doing this to my mom and sister since they already went through this with my dad passing in 2011. (Which is another reason im ctbing but thats for another day). But at the end of the day it will be a net positive for all of us. I find peace, and they dont have to worry about me anymore. I think its a fair trade. I also feel bad for my cat but I dont think she will care that much unfortunately. Anyways I really thought I was going to hold out until November... but the idea of being dead next week fills me with more peace than I have ever felt.
If you read this far or read any of this at all thanks... I dont blame you if you didn't. I just wanted to get this out somewhere.
