dogemn
All the nights I don't die
- May 30, 2023
- 75
I'm nearly 30 years old, and I've lived pretty much in isolation since I was 11. For almost two decades, my life has been consumed by endless internet scrolling, video games, drugs, alcohol and loneliness. Last year, I overdosed while shooting up heroin and drinking alcohol, nearly dying before being rescued at the last minute, and spent three days in the ICU. For years I've been haunted by constant suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, and self-harm. I've suffered from nightmares and mental breakdowns, with a broken sleep cycle that keeps me awake at night and exhausted during the day. I've never been able to find solace in religion or believe in God. I never developed any skills.
I've seen psychiatrists and therapists for years. Different professionals have suspected I have all sorts of conditions like severe depression, panic disorder, social anxiety, ADHD, schizoid and borderline personality disorders, autism, and complex trauma (C-PTSD). I've been on psychiatric medication most of my life. My childhood was marked by trauma because my father was a violent alcoholic who was absent most of the time, and when he was around he rejected, neglected, and abused me. My childhood friends bullied and beat me, as did classmates, while teachers berated and humiliated me. I skipped school constantly, had poor grades, and barely graduated. I've always hated my body. I had a skinny-fat body since I was a kid with gynecomastia, puffy nipples, fat on my armpits, chest, hips, and thighs. My face is scarred with acne, my arms and legs with self-harm wounds. I rarely slept well, neglected my hygiene, ate junk food, avoided exercise, and never cleaned my room. I never went out nor socialized. I panicked around people and avoided physical touch and eye contact. I have no friends, never had a girlfriend, no romantic or sexual experience. I've never been hugged, kissed, or touched. I have no education beyond high school, no job, no car, no income, and no home of my own and still live with my parents.
I quit all drugs and alcohol a year ago and have been making small changes over the last two months: changing my diet, drinking more water, going to the gym 3 times a week, spending less time online, reading self-help and spirituality books, and fixing my sleep schedule. But I haven't seen any improvements at all and feel even more suicidal and depressed, now that I'm finally sober and lucid, having to look back at how much of my life was wasted and how much pain and dissappointment awaits me, considering the damage that's been done and my poor prospects for the future.
I don't think I care anymore whether it gets better, worse, or stays the same. I'm just exhausted and done with life. It was never for me. I've finally reached a point where I have enough energy and motivation to finally be able to get out of bed and carry out a plan to CTB.
I've seen psychiatrists and therapists for years. Different professionals have suspected I have all sorts of conditions like severe depression, panic disorder, social anxiety, ADHD, schizoid and borderline personality disorders, autism, and complex trauma (C-PTSD). I've been on psychiatric medication most of my life. My childhood was marked by trauma because my father was a violent alcoholic who was absent most of the time, and when he was around he rejected, neglected, and abused me. My childhood friends bullied and beat me, as did classmates, while teachers berated and humiliated me. I skipped school constantly, had poor grades, and barely graduated. I've always hated my body. I had a skinny-fat body since I was a kid with gynecomastia, puffy nipples, fat on my armpits, chest, hips, and thighs. My face is scarred with acne, my arms and legs with self-harm wounds. I rarely slept well, neglected my hygiene, ate junk food, avoided exercise, and never cleaned my room. I never went out nor socialized. I panicked around people and avoided physical touch and eye contact. I have no friends, never had a girlfriend, no romantic or sexual experience. I've never been hugged, kissed, or touched. I have no education beyond high school, no job, no car, no income, and no home of my own and still live with my parents.
I quit all drugs and alcohol a year ago and have been making small changes over the last two months: changing my diet, drinking more water, going to the gym 3 times a week, spending less time online, reading self-help and spirituality books, and fixing my sleep schedule. But I haven't seen any improvements at all and feel even more suicidal and depressed, now that I'm finally sober and lucid, having to look back at how much of my life was wasted and how much pain and dissappointment awaits me, considering the damage that's been done and my poor prospects for the future.
I don't think I care anymore whether it gets better, worse, or stays the same. I'm just exhausted and done with life. It was never for me. I've finally reached a point where I have enough energy and motivation to finally be able to get out of bed and carry out a plan to CTB.
Last edited:
