I just had an anxiety attack. I've become more and more emotionally unstable and started throwing around things in my bedroom to somehow stop them. My bed is a meter up high, so I can look around the room quite nicely. In the last few weeks I threw around some toys I own, a package of magnesium powder and ripped apart a japanese learning book I bought. I haven't cleaned any of it up. It's sometimes difficult to move around, lest I step on spiky plastic pieces or powder. It's been laying around like this for weeks now. Today I had another anxiety attack after losing online games. I tried for weeks to somehow become better, so I could be proud of myself, then start making the most basic mistakes, only proving to myself how much of a subhuman I am.
Today I threw around the one thing I was scared of breaking and that's my headphones. Those, my teddy bear and my laptop were the things I was scared of breaking in a fit of anger. I bought them for 30€ after my last broke and they were complete shit. The sibilance was too unbearable to listen at a high volume, they had self-noise loud enough that I could hear it, and they felt frankly uncomfortable to wear after enough time. But it was the one way I had to even listen to music anymore or relax. I have a pair of earbuds, but I think they are merely promotional shit, that probably cost 5 bucks. They legitemately sound like a childs school project and feel utterly rancid.
I don't have any means to drown out all the shit in my head anymore. I don't have any way to just stop it from going further. Today I will run my final errands, so I can hand in my bachelors thesis. I wanted to put it off, since I felt void of any drive, but now I want to finally get it done. It was the one thing holding me back anymore.
It's funny. I've been browsing through tech reviews and have been imagining buying a new pair, so I can finally feel decent again and maybe get myself back to living. I even know what specific model I want, they're called ATH-M50X. I know there always will be the usual clowns itching to tell me how lucky I am for getting this far and getting ready to abandon the horrible material world and be free of suffering. I fucking hate that mentality earnestly. It's the mentality of the knight of infinite resignation. I'm already cornered, so I don't care about who I offend. I wanna be able to get out and do so many things. I wanna learn a new language, I wanna learn to play chess, I wanna read so much more, I wanna contribute to science, I wanna understand the intricacies of the world, I wanna kiss someone lovingly in my life, I wanna have someone I can share myself with earnestly and completely. According to some people, that's delusional, and I just need to tell myself how it's all horrible anyway. I wanna keep living, but all my hope has been snuffed out. I genuinely wish I could keep going somehow. I genuinely want to keep living and take my own freedom in my own hands. But how will I ever be able to do it anymore?
Today I threw around the one thing I was scared of breaking and that's my headphones. Those, my teddy bear and my laptop were the things I was scared of breaking in a fit of anger. I bought them for 30€ after my last broke and they were complete shit. The sibilance was too unbearable to listen at a high volume, they had self-noise loud enough that I could hear it, and they felt frankly uncomfortable to wear after enough time. But it was the one way I had to even listen to music anymore or relax. I have a pair of earbuds, but I think they are merely promotional shit, that probably cost 5 bucks. They legitemately sound like a childs school project and feel utterly rancid.
I don't have any means to drown out all the shit in my head anymore. I don't have any way to just stop it from going further. Today I will run my final errands, so I can hand in my bachelors thesis. I wanted to put it off, since I felt void of any drive, but now I want to finally get it done. It was the one thing holding me back anymore.
It's funny. I've been browsing through tech reviews and have been imagining buying a new pair, so I can finally feel decent again and maybe get myself back to living. I even know what specific model I want, they're called ATH-M50X. I know there always will be the usual clowns itching to tell me how lucky I am for getting this far and getting ready to abandon the horrible material world and be free of suffering. I fucking hate that mentality earnestly. It's the mentality of the knight of infinite resignation. I'm already cornered, so I don't care about who I offend. I wanna be able to get out and do so many things. I wanna learn a new language, I wanna learn to play chess, I wanna read so much more, I wanna contribute to science, I wanna understand the intricacies of the world, I wanna kiss someone lovingly in my life, I wanna have someone I can share myself with earnestly and completely. According to some people, that's delusional, and I just need to tell myself how it's all horrible anyway. I wanna keep living, but all my hope has been snuffed out. I genuinely wish I could keep going somehow. I genuinely want to keep living and take my own freedom in my own hands. But how will I ever be able to do it anymore?
