aerilana
full of grief
- Nov 24, 2025
- 23
I've stated before that my brain is blocking me out from acknowledging what I'm going through right now, even though I know I should… but these past few months I've been having a hard time eating and sleeping because of the situation (and my brain is still in denial at this point; what more if I process it? The spiral will be so bad lol).
Lately tho, I've started eating even if it's not as much or as normal as I used to, but hey, progress is progress!
The problem is I still cannot sleep properly, and it's mostly because I feel so much dread and anxiety at night. So I just stay up scrolling, hoping it will dissipate at some point (which usually happens when it's morning already) so I can sleep in peace and not be tormented by my own mind.
I know for some people it's the other way around—they sleep to not feel anxious—but every time I close my eyes and I'm not doing anything, my mind will repeat what was said and what I did and will just torment me with too much dread and negativity. I'm just so tired of it that sometimes I wish I could process the situation and hopefully let go of what I can't control. But every time I try to do so, I just spiral and crash out so baddd. I'd really rather deal with this anxiety lmfao and also because being in denial is giving me a tiny bit of hope and is keeping me somewhat stable enough to at least not be THAT suicidal.
death is still the only thing that comforts me the most and i still think im the worst person on earth for sabotaging and ruining the only good thing in my life, my brain torments me enough by reminding me how stupid and how fucked up i am for it and i resent myself for it but since im not really processing it 100% i can somehow still get myself out of it so i guess all is still well. it's currently morning where i am and i want to sleep already but I'll probably wake up with a heavy heart and too much anxiety for a girl who's just starting her day
i just wish im stable enough to acknowledge how shitty i was (my bpd or mental illness isn't enough of a reason for how draining i became) without feeling like im the victim and thinking i should kill myself to atone for it. i wish i can believe i can always start over but i just keep ruining my own life over and over but im only 20 id like to somehow think i can get myself out of this situation and learn from it but i didn't want to sabotage that it's the only thing i want but there's just a part of me that has to push everything away so i can be miserable forever i guess.
i just want an opportunity to fix it and to have it back. i really just want to be stable, I'm too traumatized for someone so young, i ended up hurting other people because of it. i feel so bad that I'm not addressing it yet but it's what's keeping me alive rn.
I'll stay in denial and will maybe process it in time when i can feel like I won't need to end my own life for being that way. i have too much guilt and resentment towards myself. I hope one day I won't feel this way anymore. I carry so much guilt and regrets. I really just want to get better but I can't do anything.
Lately tho, I've started eating even if it's not as much or as normal as I used to, but hey, progress is progress!
The problem is I still cannot sleep properly, and it's mostly because I feel so much dread and anxiety at night. So I just stay up scrolling, hoping it will dissipate at some point (which usually happens when it's morning already) so I can sleep in peace and not be tormented by my own mind.
I know for some people it's the other way around—they sleep to not feel anxious—but every time I close my eyes and I'm not doing anything, my mind will repeat what was said and what I did and will just torment me with too much dread and negativity. I'm just so tired of it that sometimes I wish I could process the situation and hopefully let go of what I can't control. But every time I try to do so, I just spiral and crash out so baddd. I'd really rather deal with this anxiety lmfao and also because being in denial is giving me a tiny bit of hope and is keeping me somewhat stable enough to at least not be THAT suicidal.
death is still the only thing that comforts me the most and i still think im the worst person on earth for sabotaging and ruining the only good thing in my life, my brain torments me enough by reminding me how stupid and how fucked up i am for it and i resent myself for it but since im not really processing it 100% i can somehow still get myself out of it so i guess all is still well. it's currently morning where i am and i want to sleep already but I'll probably wake up with a heavy heart and too much anxiety for a girl who's just starting her day
i just wish im stable enough to acknowledge how shitty i was (my bpd or mental illness isn't enough of a reason for how draining i became) without feeling like im the victim and thinking i should kill myself to atone for it. i wish i can believe i can always start over but i just keep ruining my own life over and over but im only 20 id like to somehow think i can get myself out of this situation and learn from it but i didn't want to sabotage that it's the only thing i want but there's just a part of me that has to push everything away so i can be miserable forever i guess.
i just want an opportunity to fix it and to have it back. i really just want to be stable, I'm too traumatized for someone so young, i ended up hurting other people because of it. i feel so bad that I'm not addressing it yet but it's what's keeping me alive rn.
I'll stay in denial and will maybe process it in time when i can feel like I won't need to end my own life for being that way. i have too much guilt and resentment towards myself. I hope one day I won't feel this way anymore. I carry so much guilt and regrets. I really just want to get better but I can't do anything.
Last edited:
