I shat in my underwear while trying to hang myself

[hopeless-believer]

Nobody. :( Friends betrayed and turned their backs. Institutions unspeakable.

I'm doing loud music now

I'm doing loud music now

I know it all feels too much, but the community is really rallying with you to help you ride things out whilst everything is so completely unbearable at the moment.

Your screaming again, and with your messaging here, I hear your pain and I think you want others to hear and understand it too. You want help, even from the neighbours. And that's courageous in itself. I know your scared of the services and supports available to you, I'm not pushing you to consider them, but it is always an option.. but as people here are saying, take a breath, a swig of something, take it out on the pillow, scream if you need to...

 

[fallingleaves]

YES. You are part of this community. I want to help

Thank you

 

[hang in there]

You have really good suggestions but I don't feel like I can do anything. I dissociate a lot when I'm in distress. I wouldn't be able to pay attention my favourite show no matter how loud it was or how stupid it was.

I understand, due to PTSD I used to dissociate really bad, what about HOT water? Sometimes all that would snap me out of it was pain, have you tried holding your hands under the hot faucet until you can feel something? Or something else along those lines?

 

[fallingleaves]

Can you sing or shout to the music? Have you punched the life out of that pillow and torn masses of paper and thrown it down? XXX

I can't

What did you do when you were in this situation perviously?

Drugs??? Begged for people to come? But nobody ever comes. That's about it. Maybe religious or spiritual stuff but I don't want to be pressured to reach out spiritually. I have already done so. I'm not sure it will be enough.

 

[2messdup]

I can't

That's ok. Has anything helped if you've felt like this before? There are so many different ways and only some ways work at some times (my last one I completely trashed the waiting room at my mental health facility this week. Wouldn't recommend that!)

 

[fallingleaves]

I understand, due to PTSD I used to dissociate really bad, what about HOT water? Sometimes all that would snap me out of it was pain, have you tried holding your hands under the hot faucet until you can feel something? Or something else along those lines?

Well. I'm a big bath fiend but my wet dirty shit clothes are in the bath right now. God that sucks.

 

[hang in there]

I don't know if that's true. It doesn't take love to look at a thread or even to respond with compassion. But maybe I don't know what love even means anymore.

Man then why do they always put in the most fucking work when they're harassing me?

Man then why do they always put in the most fucking work when they're harassing me?

Well like I said, if you mention you are suicidal they really have no choice legally but to do something about it, but if you keep it to yourself and just get help for injuries without ANY kind of hint it was a suicide attempt they have ZERO right or ability to take you anywhere against your will.

 

[fallingleaves]

That's ok. Has anything helped if you've felt like this before? There are so many different ways and only some ways work at some times (my last one I completely trashed the waiting room at my mental health facility this week. Wouldn't recommend that!)

It helps when someone shows up and loves me.

 

[2messdup]

Well. I'm a big bath fiend but my wet dirty shit clothes are in the bath right now. God that sucks.

maybe you need those clothes out of sight right now. Can you drag them out and put them in a bin bag somewhere and clean the bath and make it nice?

 

[hang in there]

Well. I'm a big bath fiend but my wet dirty shit clothes are in the bath right now. God that sucks.

Dump them on the floor, who cares, this is more important and you can deal with that later. Rinse the tub really quick and hop in. It will help.

 

[fallingleaves]

That's ok. Has anything helped if you've felt like this before? There are so many different ways and only some ways work at some times (my last one I completely trashed the waiting room at my mental health facility this week. Wouldn't recommend that!)

Are they going to have you back as a patient?

Not that this really concerns me because I don't want to be anyone's patient.

Well like I said, if you mention you are suicidal they really have no choice legally but to do something about it, but if you keep it to yourself and just get help for injuries without ANY kind of hint it was a suicide attempt they have ZERO right or ability to take you anywhere against your will.

So I don't want to be anywhere even NEAR people whose legal obligation is to literally violate me. Do you understand what I'm saying?

 

[2messdup]

Are they going to have you back as a patient?

Not that this really concerns me because I don't want to be anyone's patient.

yeah. I've got a "formal report" on my record but they're just seeing it as an indicator/action of distress. It's happened before, that distress but then I managed to leave the building before kicking hell out of their very solid railings.

 

[roommate]

How did you get out of this situation previously?

 

[fallingleaves]

maybe you need those clothes out of sight right now. Can you drag them out and put them in a bin bag somewhere and clean the bath and make it nice?

They're wet

How did you get out of this situation previously?

People who loved me. But it was all a lie. Nobody loves me.

 

[2messdup]

Two bin bags then, tied tightly and be careful they don't split. But having the clothes out of sight would help you I think. It's too overwhelming having them there. And if you have gloves, put them on.

They're wet

 

[hang in there]

Are they going to have you back as a patient?

Not that this really concerns me because I don't want to be anyone's patient.

So I don't want to be anywhere even NEAR people whose legal obligation is to literally violate me. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah. I am just worried about your neck and spinal cord, there is really no kind of "home care" you can do to fix that if there's a major problem. I guess just focus on starting a bath right now.

 

[fallingleaves]

yeah. I've got a "formal report" on my record but they're just seeing it as an indicator/action of distress. It's happened before, that distress but then I managed to leave the building before kicking hell out of their very solid railings.

I literally fucking hate the system and everyone involved in it. It's hard enough for me to get basic healthcare. Very hard. I don't even want to speak to anyone involved with the "mental healthcare" system. Or anyone who could get me locked up. Never. Never. Never. It's a no nonsense, no contact policy.

 

[2messdup]

They're wet

People who loved me. But it was all a lie. Nobody loves me.

Wanna put "yet" on the end of it. sorry. That's super-lame. I sound like a fucking mental health worker lol

I literally fucking hate the system and everyone involved in it. It's hard enough for me to get basic healthcare. Very hard. I don't even want to speak to anyone involved with the "mental healthcare" system. Or anyone who could get me locked up. Never. Never. Never. It's a no nonsense, no contact policy.

After what drove me to trash their building, I'm not surprised you feel like that!

 

[fallingleaves]

Wanna put "yet" on the end of it. sor

After what drove me to trash their building, I'm not surprised you feel like that!

Yet what? Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. FUTURE COME BACK

 

[Dot]

I don't know if that's true. It doesn't take love to look at a thread or even to respond with compassion. But maybe I don't know what love even means anymore.

Lve = a verb nt jst a feelng

Ppl r showng u lve b/ watchng ur thred - makng u th/ priorty rght nw - sittng wth u -- & nt bcse thre = n.e obligatn bt bcse ppl wn2

Ppl wh/ cld b choosng 2 d/ litrlly n.ethng els in th/ wrld rght nw r choosng 2 b wth u bcse u r wrth tht hlp & care

 

[2messdup]

Yet what? Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. FUTURE COME BACK

nobody loves you (I don't know you well enough to know if that's true but in my case it's true, I have no one). But unless you're as old as me, it could be "no one loves you YET"

 

[fallingleaves]

Lve = a verb nt jst a feelng

Ppl r showng u lve b/ watchng ur thred - makng u th/ priorty rght nw - sittng wth u -- & nt bcse thre = n.e obligatn bt bcse ppl wn2

Ppl wh/ cld b choosng 2 d/ litrlly n.ethng els in th/ wrld rght nw r choosng 2 b wth u bcse u r wrth tht hlp & care

Yes. Love is an action. And people don't do the action of love for me. I want to kill myself.

 

[Dot]

Yet what? Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. FUTURE COME BACK

Wh/ = Futre - d/ u mn sasu usr

 

[fallingleaves]

nobody loves you (I don't know you well enough to know if that's true but in my case it's true, I have no one). But unless you're as old as me, it could be "no one loves you YET"

NOBODY LOVES ME AND I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF. I WISH SOMEONE CARED.

Wh/ = Futre - d/ u mn sasu usr

Yes I mean the user but if I talk about it too much I'll probably get my second warning.

 

[Dot]

Yes. Love is an action. And people don't do the action of love for me. I want to kill myself.

Slf am gussng tht u r nt gettng tht actn of lve frm ppl wh/ u wnt rght nw & slf knw hw rejctng tht feels & hw tht leavs a black hollw in ur chst

Bt perhps u cn allw tht actn frm tht ppl hre rght nw & lt thm shw u tht u r stll wrth tht gft of lve

 

[2messdup]

Yes. Love is an action. And people don't do the action of love for me. I want to kill myself.

And we on here would be sad if you killed yourself but understand, more than any other people, that only you can decide that. But it needs careful planning and thinking.

 

[fallingleaves]

Slf am gussng tht u r nt gettng tht actn of lve frm ppl wh/ u wnt rght nw & slf knw hw rejctng tht feels & hw tht leavs a black hollw in ur chst

Bt perhps u cn allw tht actn frm tht ppl hre rght nw & lt thm shw u tht u r stll wrth tht gft of lve

I can't. As you said, it's black and hollow in my chest.

And we on here would be sad if you killed yourself but understand, more than any other people, that only you can decide that. But it needs careful planning and thinking.

I can't plan anything. It's going to be impulsive. Jumping is perfect for that.
I want to be loved

 

[hang in there]

NOBODY LOVES ME AND I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF. I WISH SOMEONE CARED.

Yes I mean the user but if I talk about it too much I'll probably get my second warning.

You know who's going to care? Everybody who has to clean up what's left of your body when you're gone, knowing full well you didn't really want to do it but that your pain was so bad, so consuming that you thought you had no other choice. Those people will think about what they could have done to help you every night for the rest of their lives. Everyone who comes into contact with you has no choice but to feel care and love for you because that is the bare minimum state of humanity. Whether or not they communicate it well enough to get you to feel that, is a totally different question. But I guarantee you if you went up to anybody in your life right now, even a stranger on the road, and tell them how you have treated yourself tonight, they would sob for you on the inside even if they can control it on the outside. You are not completely alone, you feel that way and I wish there was any way possible to get through to you that someone actually cares about you and your life... Sorry

 

[2messdup]

I can't. As you said, it's black and hollow in my chest.

I can't plan anything. It's going to be impulsive. Jumping is perfect for that.

Jumping is very scary. Not sure I could do that even in my worst moments. Also I'd be scared I'd land on someone at the bottom and kill them. What I meant just my version of things - I've planned everything for my ctb in every single detail, so that when it comes time and I'm overwhelmed and impulsive that even though I'm in that wild headspace, i know what to do and everything is in place. i've even made a will which stipulates what must happen to my body afterwards. I'm not suggesting you do that, because we're all different, but I'm saying even if it had to be impulsive ctb, there are ways to do that which are less risky for disaster.

 

[fallingleaves]

You know who's going to care? Everybody who has to clean up what's left of your body when you're gone, knowing full well you didn't really want to do it but that your pain was so bad, so consuming that you thought you had no other choice. Those people will think about what they could have done to help you every night for the rest of their lives. Everyone who comes into contact with you has no choice but to feel care and love for you because that is the bare minimum state of humanity. Whether or not they communicate it well enough to get you to feel that, is a totally different question. But I guarantee you if you went up to anybody in your life right now, even a stranger on the road, and tell them how you have treated yourself tonight, they would sob for you on the inside even if they can control it on the outside. You are not completely alone, you feel that way and I wish there was any way possible to get through to you that someone actually cares about you and your life... Sorry

I'M GLAD THAT THOSE PEOPLE WILL EXPERIENCE THAT.

DO YOU STILL WANT TO HELP ME OR NO? Because that's not particularly helpful. I am aware that people will "care" after I die. I think it's sick. It's sick that they don't care about me now. ANSWER ME THAT.

Jumping is very scary. Not sure I could do that even in my worst moments. Also I'd be scared I'd land on someone at the bottom and kill them. What I meant just my version of things - I've planned everything for my ctb in every single detail, so that when it comes time and I'm overwhelmed and impulsive that even though I'm in that wild headspace, i know what to do and everything is in place. i've even made a will which stipulates what must happen to my body afterwards. I'm not suggesting you do that, because we're all different, but I'm saying even if it had to be impulsive ctb, there are ways to do that which are less risky for disaster.

You tried to scare me with your story but you just made me want to die more.

Jumping is very scary. Not sure I could do that even in my worst moments. Also I'd be scared I'd land on someone at the bottom and kill them. What I meant just my version of things - I've planned everything for my ctb in every single detail, so that when it comes time and I'm overwhelmed and impulsive that even though I'm in that wild headspace, i know what to do and everything is in place. i've even made a will which stipulates what must happen to my body afterwards. I'm not suggesting you do that, because we're all different, but I'm saying even if it had to be impulsive ctb, there are ways to do that which are less risky for disaster.

Nothing will be in place for me. I will die a violent death.