Venting trying to recover but finding it extremely hard with my circumstances

[c4di]

things are objectively getting better for me, but i still feel absolutely miserable, especially since april and it just kept getting worse and worse. ive had depression for god knows how long, approximately 6 years since i first noticed that i have symptoms of it, but this is the absolute worst depressive episode i ever had.

at the same time it started i decided I'll stop trying to kill myself and at least try to fix my life, if it didn't work out I'd be free to do whatever, i just have to try first. but two weeks ago it started getting actually unbearable and something triggered me, i found every second im still alive in genuine hellish and i tried to figure out a way to kill myself whenever i had the chance. last Friday i broke the doors lock so no one can get in and tried to hang myself, but someone interrupted that attempt before i could do it. i wanted to try again but someone talked me out of it and ig i dont feel as bad now, but still shitty.

that same person helped me pay for and book an appointment with a psychologist which helped me see more options, but because i cant have a job and dont have any money i cant actually start therapy, and my family already has financial problems so they wont help pay for it since they don't view it as a priority, even though my dad knows my mental health is bad enough to drive me to suicide, so i can only rely on myself.

it wouldn't be impossible to gain money by myself, but i can hardly get anything done. i feel so fucking horrible and i do want to get help but i cant just get on with it, i can hardly brush my teeth in the morning let alone start gaining at least 90 usd a week (i know this seems like a small amount but it isn't where i live, a lot of people working entry level jobs full time only get 300 usd per month). i dont know how i could continue life like this, i should've already started preparing my college applications but all my energy is spent trying to keep myself alive, its ruining my life. im so tired, i just wish i could die and leave this place

 

[fadedghost]

have you tried getting up first thing in the morning and running or doing sittups and pushups? i know that's cliche advice, but it's something. have you tried not eating carbs? sometimes that helps. have you tried going over your day and emotions with AI when you wake up just to check in and get advice/motivation?

the suggestion to go running in the morning, i know it would be incredibly hard if depressed, but... sometimes it can jolt a brain out of depression.

none of these are good suggestions, the better idea is for you to get therapy somehow. but i don't know what country you're in, but it sounds like it's not easy to get therapy where you are or it's expensive.

for AI, chatgpt and claude both have free tiers and duck.ai has free models for chatting and planning without retention in most situations. there are also local models, but they often aren't as smart and require a lot of computing power. AI is also risky to use for emotional support because it can make mistakes or miss things humans might get. On the other hand, AI is free and it's possible it's better than nothing.

have you considered anti-depressants? they may be risky for you if you're 18-19. if you can't do cardio, then maybe the risk is acceptable to just try to get better?

i'm sorry things are so difficult and wish i could say something to make it better. :-/

have you talked to your parents? you seem young, maybe they could help you with ideas? could you go to an emergency room to get anti-depressants?