spacefreightergirl
born to die, or whatever
- May 27, 2026
- 18
For the last 7 months I had sort of found a community of people I could share my interests with but a month ago I had some sort of episode and I blocked everyone for what was pretty much a very minor issue.
On one hand after this happened, I felt like something had been lifted off of my chest, honestly. Even back then I felt like no one particularly liked me and only found me funny sometimes, and most of them were a lot closer to each other. I think that's part of what triggered the episode in the first place, I have BPD and I'm extremely sensitive about feeling rejected/sidelined. So technically I didn't lose as much.
Still, now I feel even more lonely, which I wasn't prepared for. It's been turning into actual pain in my chest that I've never felt before. I wish I could fill the hole somehow, it only seems to be getting deeper and deeper and it's starting to eat me alive. The worst of all is that I'm digging it myself.
I think it's part of the reason why I just want to disappear, too. Not exactly die, but I also wouldn't mind if that happened. I've been looking deeper into CTB methods but I'm not sure if I can commit to any decision about my future yet, including a lack of future. I just want to stay in peace with no one or nothing making me feel insecure.
On one hand after this happened, I felt like something had been lifted off of my chest, honestly. Even back then I felt like no one particularly liked me and only found me funny sometimes, and most of them were a lot closer to each other. I think that's part of what triggered the episode in the first place, I have BPD and I'm extremely sensitive about feeling rejected/sidelined. So technically I didn't lose as much.
Still, now I feel even more lonely, which I wasn't prepared for. It's been turning into actual pain in my chest that I've never felt before. I wish I could fill the hole somehow, it only seems to be getting deeper and deeper and it's starting to eat me alive. The worst of all is that I'm digging it myself.
I think it's part of the reason why I just want to disappear, too. Not exactly die, but I also wouldn't mind if that happened. I've been looking deeper into CTB methods but I'm not sure if I can commit to any decision about my future yet, including a lack of future. I just want to stay in peace with no one or nothing making me feel insecure.
