Help I need help, I'm homeless again

[snowlance]

I've decided I'm gonna go inpatient
Or try it out at least, I can always back out as long as it's voluntary

 

[snowlance]

So I went into inpatient, but they didnt really help and im living in my car again.
I feel like I'm at least able to work Spark and Uber again but I need car insurance...
I've got 50$ to start one up again but every insurance provider I call says I can't for different reasons.
I used a bunch of those search tools to find insurance and the only one that keeps coming up is progressive
But I owe them money
I'm trying to figure out out much id need to pay back and start it up again, I know I need 150 but don't know the startup yet, on the phone trying to figure out now.
I genuinely don't know what to do, I'm running low on gas again and I need some way to make money.
I do have a bike so maybe I can save up delivering with my bike or something. My mom is going to give me enough money to go to Madison where the shelter is.
After I park at the shelter tho my car will just become useless, just a place to hold my stuff for now until I can save up enough money for insurance again.
I didn't do anything wrong....I hate this so much...
I can kinda take care of myself again but having to deal with all the stuff in madison seems impossible without a way to make money.
How will I get my medication? If I do delivery idk if the bus that takes you to the beacon for food has a bike rack or anything
I dont want to do this
I wanna just die at this point
I learned it doesn't matter how good of a person you are or how many times you try to make things work, or how much you struggle, you can still be hated and fail
I need 170 in total to start it up again
Fml
I asked my mom if I could sell her my nice antique red TV stand which should sell for more for insurance and she said they already have it, it's in their living room (they know I can't take it out and fit it in my car so they get to keep it)
This feels unwinnable

 

[snowlance]

Feels like the first tim3 in awhile I've started planning suicide again lol
I need a painless method tho

 

[snowlance]

UPDATE: My mom paid for my first month of insurance so I can do spark now.
She still thinks I'm gonna pay her back though, but she shouldn't be able to make me without me signing something right?
Normally I would because that's the right thing to do but after what they put me through, ill consider it paying for my future medical bills resulting from whatever health problems I'm gonna get from all the trauma and distress they put me through.
It was so hard to deal with her this whole time but I guess that was my real payment
If anyone wants to get an idea of what my parents are like and why I won't pay them back, I talk about my mom a bit here

How do I make throwing up less traumatizing?

I figured out what my nausea is. It directly comes from my heavy thc use. It wasnt a problem before at all, and I found it easy to control the urges and keep in under control everywhere. I move into my parents place again and it's a different story completely. It's impossible to stop now and im...

sanctioned-suicide.net

I also talk about them a bit in this thread
I might make a vent post explaining everything they made me go through, eventually when I have some time to breath, rn I have to drive to Madison to stay at the homeless shelter. Wish me luck!
Also I may have thought of a solution for not being able to program. If I trade in or sell my current PC and laptop, maybe I can get a nice gaming laptop and then I can do all my programming and gaming on there while I wait for disability xd
Right now best buy looks kinda promising but idk, does anyone have any advice for this?

 

[Quantum Particle]

I am so sorry for catching your story so late but I have looked through every single thing you have posted and just wondered how you were doing, just really to let you know that some people are concerned for you. Did you manage to get to Maddison? Try not to sell all your items, a lot of these things we want to and plan to replace but never get the chance to and end up regretting it, stay safe buddy x

 

[snowlance]

UPDATE: SHE CANCELLED
SHE SAID SHE WOULDNT COVER MY INSURANCE AND TO CANCEL THE QUOTE AND SHES LOOKING ELSEWHERE THEN SAID SHED PUT ME ON HER INSURANCE FOR A MONTH AND I HAVE TO FIGURE THE REST OUT
She's getting me on her own insurance and keeps reminding me I need to pay them back
I feel like I was supposed to die years ago and this is my punishment for living
Nonstop suffering
This hurts so much
I thought I was free from this pain for now
It never fucking ends
Her insurance has to wait too and she gave up
Said i can stay until she can add me to her insurance but she has to talk to my dad
She had to really think about it tho
I hate it here I wanna leave and be free from this abuse and torment
But bow I have to stay until Monday
This world runs on money
I hate it so much, you can't do anything without it
And if you can't work, you're just fucked. There's disability but idk how im supposed to survive until I can get on that
I have all the diagnosis and stuff to get approved but it's just a waiting game

 

[Quantum Particle]

Everything is about control and power and the more you let people control you the more they want. You mentioned your brother in a much earlier post, how do you get on with him? Your dad sounds a big problem but at least your mum is standby you a bit even if she is making a massive deal out of it, putting you on her insurance, it's not like she's donating you a kidney or anything. Sometimes we have to just suck things up now and again and live by other people rules but this is where you have to learn to bend the rules to your favour without getting people to breaking point. Letting people think they are in control without them actually being in control is a fine art. At the end of the day, just for now, being at home is better than being in your car or a homeless shelter. Keep safe pal

 

[snowlance]

Everything is about control and power and the more you let people control you the more they want. You mentioned your brother in a much earlier post, how do you get on with him? Your dad sounds a big problem but at least your mum is standby you a bit even if she is making a massive deal out of it, putting you on her insurance, it's not like she's donating you a kidney or anything. Sometimes we have to just suck things up now and again and live by other people rules but this is where you have to learn to bend the rules to your favour without getting people to breaking point. Letting people think they are in control without them actually being in control is a fine art. At the end of the day, just for now, being at home is better than being in your car or a homeless shelter. Keep safe pal

My mom is actually worse than my dad. Way worse. She doesn't do anything but she commands authority and uses my dad as a weapon to get her way. My dad won't accept me leaving without insurance tho so that's why she can't kick me out. She's tried to back out of the insurance several times with different excuses and I have to keep telling her "what am I supposed to do then? I cant drive to the homeless shelter without insurance" And then she huffs and starts trying again. Idk what is up with her or my dad at this point...
Just 10 min ago from now my dad was helping me with my bike rack and I was grabbing my pc and said mom let me set it up for now. I said "I am still leaving, I know you guys want me out"
He said "We do not now don't put words in our mouth"
I got so confused and had to ask "Why am I leaving then? Why am I homeless?"
He couldn't give me an answer
I asked 2 more times he's silent and goes inside
I ask again in front of mom and she thinks I'm asking about me staying a few more days and said I'm allowed to don't worry and before I was gonna clarify I decided to just say "nvrm"
I've learned my lesson, I'm not gonna start something and they take back letting me stay there
I think I win this time tho because they can't let me leave without any insurance
Idk why I didn't think about using this when they first kicked me out
I just wanna be okay.........

Everything is about control and power and the more you let people control you the more they want. You mentioned your brother in a much earlier post, how do you get on with him? Your dad sounds a big problem but at least your mum is standby you a bit even if she is making a massive deal out of it, putting you on her insurance, it's not like she's donating you a kidney or anything. Sometimes we have to just suck things up now and again and live by other people rules but this is where you have to learn to bend the rules to your favour without getting people to breaking point. Letting people think they are in control without them actually being in control is a fine art. At the end of the day, just for now, being at home is better than being in your car or a homeless shelter. Keep safe pal

My mom has actually kept track of everything they use it all against me too. Any gift we've gotten ever, if she wants to use it she'll say "I bought that for you with our money so technically it's mine" and she's kept track of every time I've had to borrow money from them and expects me to pay it all back.
Or she says she let us use it, which is why she won't let me have my couch back, because she gave it to me when I had an apartment

 

[Quantum Particle]

So if we just look at the bike rack incident for a start, instead of putting your dad on the spot and forcing him to retreat, (I mean at this time your dad is walking away thinking I really don't need this hassle) thank him for helping you and mention that you wish you would have done more things with him like this, more father son activities or chores and try and make him face guilt instead of facing frustration and stress. Remember he is going to tell your mum all that has happened and she is going to increasingly resent you.
Don't mention leaving or getting kicked out again, you are forcing their hand and cementing the idea in their heads. Again you are going to have to bite the bullet and smile sweetly in one hand while giving them the bird in the other. Your priority though is to avoid any confrontation whatsoever and back out at the earliest opportunity which is hard for you with the pent up anger, frustration and their lack of understanding. Stay strong and silent.

 

[The Schizoid]

Here's my take

1) Guys please stop telling OP to go home. They obviously aren't going to do that. Going home is not going to work for OP for now.

2) OP stop taking these stupid gummys unless they're medically necessary. I'm trying to sympathise with your situation but it sounds like you're impulsive and don't think anything through. Unless you have to for medical reasons, stop fucking getting high until you can sort this situation out.

3) If I was you I'd calm myself down, and go inpatient care. Try to be cooperative and take some time to sit down with a pen and paper and think through everything you're going to do going forward.

4) Trash every non-essential drug you have, get the fuck off that shit. Please stop putting crap in your body that messes with your brain.

 

[snowlance]

I feel like I'm dying
Nothing works
Everything i do goes up in flames and Mt insurance is trying to call me for even more verification to prove I make no income. Idk what to do anymore, I'm living in my car in a target parking lot and I'm so out of it
Inpatient didn't help, I got okay again and just reset back to how I am now again in just 4 days
I just wanna die now. I know I really don't but I'm gonna take advantage of my impulsiveness and end it if I can
I just need to figure out how to cut the catalytic convertor and then get a hose somehow and some tape right?
Then i don't have to deal with all this pain anymore, no more panic attacks, no more trauma, no more sickness, nothing
It hurts so much
I have just enough gas to get up to Madison, I've been told they have a lot more options for inpatient care
I've been sleeping a lot more since my adderall ran out and they haven't filled it
They filled everything except my most important one
So I can't focus on doing anything anymore and I've just been sleeping in my car anytime I'm even remotely tired
Anything to take the pain away. I'm gonna go to bed again, I feel kinda sick, in the morning ill figure out how I'm gonna end my life or pray some miracle saves me or something idk. Everything I try go to waste.
I've been off drugs for a few days but it still feels like I'm on them like usual. Idk the last time it didn't feel like i was on drugs either from drugs themselves or dissociating so hard and so much it feels like I'm always on something. Leaving my car is like entering a new world and I have to prepare for it before I leave. My life feels like a really shitty video game.