snowlance
Ticking Time Bomb
- Sep 8, 2023
- 200
I figured out what my nausea is. It directly comes from my heavy thc use. It wasnt a problem before at all, and I found it easy to control the urges and keep in under control everywhere. I move into my parents place again and it's a different story completely. It's impossible to stop now and im spiraling. I'd love to stop but by the 3rd day, the yelling and shouting upstairs, the footsteps, the noise, the dogs barking, everything (including some extra trauma, ill go into detail later) becomes way too much to handle and I just impulsively take more. It's been a problem for a week now but I was in denial. I need to stop but I genuinely don't know how given the environment I'm in. Whether I stop or not though i feel like the consequences are catching up to me. The nausea gets harder to control more and more now and im gonna get way sicker than last time...throwing up has always been traumatizing for me, especially when it doesn't stop like what's about to happen soon, I end up on the floor screaming and crying, dissociating, and panic attacks, it's so scary. Does anyone have any tips for making the experience a little less horrible?
Extra: My mom found out about my trans appointment on the 10th. I send her this huge message when i was homeless before I had to move back in with them because of the weather. It basically stated that I'm done hiding it and wearing a mask all the time, I'm trans, I'm seeing someone to get on hrt in January and it's my body, its on you guys have to decide if you want me in your life or not. I decided to finally make the appointment, despite wanting to wait until I move in with my friend, because it's probably gonna take years for disability to approve me for ssi and im tired of putting it off for so long because someone else is uncomfortable with it...
She came down to talk to me and told me she never got a text about it (I should've shown her proof right there but I didnt, it was on my phone), that it isn't fair to her to have to deal with this sudden change after having a son for years, you werent like this before (I hid it for so fucking long), I feel like I'm losing my son, it's against my faith, not in this house you aren't doing this, I cant accept this, maybe you need to live with your friend, etc. I asked her a few times if she really meant what she was saying and hearing herself and she avoids my eyes and says idk and I won a few arguments she threw at me and it still hurts so fucking much. I told her that too, she continues to make it my fault, I'm doing this to her, what did I think would happen, etc. I told her idk I thought she'd at least understand and desire me to just be myself and happy, my dad even said that when he found out, even thought he stated clearly he was against it. She also stared at me for 30 minutes straight with this look of pure disgust and I tried to ignore her and play my games or distract myself but it was so uncomfortable. And she'd just go from staring at me for 5 minutes, to trying to throw an argument at me, id win, and she'd go back to being silent and repeat. I was so relieved when it was over and cried my eyes out. I should've just left for awhile or something idk. Then the next morning she hugs me and says "we'll figure this out" there is no WE, it's all YOU. This whole confrontation started because of YOU. I even told her she wouldn't see any of it anyways, I would wear a binder around them, not wear makeup, wear a mask like I always have been and she's just silent. I remember she went on at one point saying she met a guy during new years that looked trans and he had goth and makeup and couldn't buckle his shoe so she did it and he was drooling and how disgusting he was and I was just appalled like "So fucking what? How do you know he was trans? What makes you think the whole trans community is like that?" And she goes "idk..." (she says this ALOT). She said a few seconds after that it's been proven that most trans people have mental disabilities and problems and I didn't have anything to say to that and she latched onto it saying I need therapy, not an HRT appointment, cancel it, etc... my friend brought up a good point of "No fucking wonder most of them have mental problems because they have to deal with toxic people like this". I told her I never asked to be born a guy and she cuts me off and starts yelling saying "OH COME ON- I RAISED YOU BETTER-"etc. I really really should've saved up for that power bank sooner, but now it's too late, and I'm trapped here again. I can't kms, I tried, the SI and fear of an afterlife is too much for me, no matter what anyone says. So I actually don't know what'll happen to me...but my guess is ill either accidently overdose, do something impulsively or go insane. Someone please help me ;;
If I'm gonna be forced to live on this horrible planet, I'm gonna at least try to do what I want to do. I'm tired of letting things slide and never sticking up for myself.
Tires of living for other people...
Extra extra: My favorite song ever
It's called "I wanna be a girl"
Extra: My mom found out about my trans appointment on the 10th. I send her this huge message when i was homeless before I had to move back in with them because of the weather. It basically stated that I'm done hiding it and wearing a mask all the time, I'm trans, I'm seeing someone to get on hrt in January and it's my body, its on you guys have to decide if you want me in your life or not. I decided to finally make the appointment, despite wanting to wait until I move in with my friend, because it's probably gonna take years for disability to approve me for ssi and im tired of putting it off for so long because someone else is uncomfortable with it...
She came down to talk to me and told me she never got a text about it (I should've shown her proof right there but I didnt, it was on my phone), that it isn't fair to her to have to deal with this sudden change after having a son for years, you werent like this before (I hid it for so fucking long), I feel like I'm losing my son, it's against my faith, not in this house you aren't doing this, I cant accept this, maybe you need to live with your friend, etc. I asked her a few times if she really meant what she was saying and hearing herself and she avoids my eyes and says idk and I won a few arguments she threw at me and it still hurts so fucking much. I told her that too, she continues to make it my fault, I'm doing this to her, what did I think would happen, etc. I told her idk I thought she'd at least understand and desire me to just be myself and happy, my dad even said that when he found out, even thought he stated clearly he was against it. She also stared at me for 30 minutes straight with this look of pure disgust and I tried to ignore her and play my games or distract myself but it was so uncomfortable. And she'd just go from staring at me for 5 minutes, to trying to throw an argument at me, id win, and she'd go back to being silent and repeat. I was so relieved when it was over and cried my eyes out. I should've just left for awhile or something idk. Then the next morning she hugs me and says "we'll figure this out" there is no WE, it's all YOU. This whole confrontation started because of YOU. I even told her she wouldn't see any of it anyways, I would wear a binder around them, not wear makeup, wear a mask like I always have been and she's just silent. I remember she went on at one point saying she met a guy during new years that looked trans and he had goth and makeup and couldn't buckle his shoe so she did it and he was drooling and how disgusting he was and I was just appalled like "So fucking what? How do you know he was trans? What makes you think the whole trans community is like that?" And she goes "idk..." (she says this ALOT). She said a few seconds after that it's been proven that most trans people have mental disabilities and problems and I didn't have anything to say to that and she latched onto it saying I need therapy, not an HRT appointment, cancel it, etc... my friend brought up a good point of "No fucking wonder most of them have mental problems because they have to deal with toxic people like this". I told her I never asked to be born a guy and she cuts me off and starts yelling saying "OH COME ON- I RAISED YOU BETTER-"etc. I really really should've saved up for that power bank sooner, but now it's too late, and I'm trapped here again. I can't kms, I tried, the SI and fear of an afterlife is too much for me, no matter what anyone says. So I actually don't know what'll happen to me...but my guess is ill either accidently overdose, do something impulsively or go insane. Someone please help me ;;
If I'm gonna be forced to live on this horrible planet, I'm gonna at least try to do what I want to do. I'm tired of letting things slide and never sticking up for myself.
Tires of living for other people...
Extra extra: My favorite song ever
It's called "I wanna be a girl"
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