Venting I lost my soulmate to suicide and wanted to vent as I don't know what to do

[piddincir]

For anyone who cares to read it, I posted the eulogy here https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/eulogy-to-my-wife-soulmate-best-friend-and-my-future.140438/

I wanted to share the good side of my wife the before all this and the how and the why as she's no longer here to tell her story

 

[quietwater]

I recently lost my wife, soulmate and best friend to suicide . She had struggled with depression for most of her life and she hadn't had an episode for over 7 years but had a particularly tough year for various external and familial reasons, she lost her job, isolated herself from her friends, was drinking excessively and hiding it from me.

I knew she was struggling and I supported her the best that I could and I do know there is nothing more that I could have done to save her and understand this wasn't her that did this but her illness. I always thought I was enough for her and I was her world but have been left feeling like I wasn't enough for her

The day it happened was like any other day, we were happy, she waved me off to work like she did every time and our communication was totally normal. She had stopped responding to my messages at 2pm but initially didn't think much of it as it's not really out of character, it wasn't until I was on the train home that I felt in my soul something had happened.

I got home from work and found her with a bag over her head and that she had taken her own life in our bedroom, it is something I will never come back from.
We had the most amazing weekend before this happened and she told me I had really cheered her up and made things better and told me how much she loved me constantly.

We were together for 10 years and did literally everything together and never spent anytime apart - we used to joke there were not enough hours in the day to spend together - we had literally the perfect relationship. We loved all the same music, TV, movies, hobbies and I am reminded of her everywhere and always will be.
I honestly don't know how I can go on without her. I know a part of me died that day with her and I will never be the same person again. Living was with her and now I am just existing.

Everyone tells me that I have to give it time and that things will get better but I just don't know how they can, I've just lost too much. I've lived my best life with her and know it's all down hill from here as I will never get back any semblance of what I lost, so really what is the point. I am just existing for others right now in unbearable pain and I'm only 35 years old and have too much life left without her to bear. I know she would have wanted me to live (and I know in that moment she thought that my life would be better without her) and everyone tells me this, but she lost that right when she died too.

I get crippling bouts of anxiety and heartbreak over the smallest things, I can't listen to the radio anymore, I can;t watch tv/movies, we spent 10 years together and I feel her presence everywhere. I had a full on panic attack in the supermarket this morning over a tin of baked beans. I wince in pain when I am reminded of her, it physical pain on top of emotional pain like my soul is being ripped from within and it's just such a lonely place to be in, I have amazing friend and family but it's not the same. I have horrible flashbacks to the night I found her which is just so traumatising and I get really bad shakes randomly. I am just so badly damaged

I have never felt so alone and isolated. I sit on the sofa alone and reach for her hand forgetting she's gone, there is a brief moment when I wake where I forget for a second before returning to my living nightmare. I never took her for granted but I guess in a way I took all the small things I miss the most for granted and I guess in a way you take everything for granted until you no longer have it, I thought we had a lifetime together .

every day is worse than the last and I will never not have this pain, I just have to learn to live with it best I can which I am not sure I can do. All I read is how long and how hard people feel this loss and we were as close as two humans could ever be and I don't know how people do it.

I just feel so hopeless and can't live in a world without her in it

I am really sorry for your loss. I'll be sending my support and affection from here, to you and to her too. Also, I wanted to say that most time suicidal people perceive themselves as a burden, so I think it's totally not your fault. I know it's hard, but I can assure that a lot of people think this way, and you probably were enough for her and for everything.
Sending again a lot of love <3

 

[piddincir]

I am really sorry for your loss. I'll be sending my support and affection from here, to you and to her too. Also, I wanted to say that most time suicidal people perceive themselves as a burden, so I think it's totally not your fault. I know it's hard, but I can assure that a lot of people think this way, and you probably were enough for her and for everything.
Sending again a lot of love <3

Thank you mate, it is nice to hear that from others, as I know but posting on here me has helped me understand her a little better, I know she didn't mean it, she had a bad moment as she was always prone too, I saw the warning signs coming but I didn't know the extent of her suffering, she was very good at hiding it from me, again I dont blame her I knew she did want me to see her suffer. Sadly she couldn't ever hurt anyone but herself. I would have died for her and she knew it but she didn't feel worthy of me, which breaks my heart and I know I couldn't change this. If she could see me know I dont think she would ever have done this , now or ever but sadly for her and for me its too late.

it's cliche but it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. It feels very true now

I hope sharing her struggle has helped others too

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

Id love it more than anything to spend a full decade with somebody. That sounds like heaven on earth.

One of my old best friends from the time I was a teenager had a wife he married who killed herself and he never got over it. You're not alone, Rob. Maybe you'll never truly get over it, but someday you can still live a fulfilling life even if it doesn't seem possible right this moment.

Do you even still sleep/go into that room she ended herself in? It's a disturbing thought but it just had me thinking when you mentioned the sleeping part.

We'd hate to see you give up, Rob. Wish you the best forever

 

[piddincir]

Id love it more than anything to spend a full decade with somebody. That sounds like heaven on earth.

One of my old best friends from the time I was a teenager had a wife he married who killed herself and he never got over it. You're not alone, Rob. Maybe you'll never truly get over it, but someday you can still live a fulfilling life even if it doesn't seem possible right this moment.

Do you even still sleep/go into that room she ended herself in? It's a disturbing thought but it just had me thinking when you mentioned the sleeping part.

We'd hate to see you give up, Rob. Wish you the best forever

Thank you and it really was heaven, to love someone, have them know you like you know yourself, to long for nothing more than to be close to them it was the best thing I will ever do.

every day is a struggle to get to the next, I know she would want to go on, she really would, but I am really not sure I can live in a world without her.

Yes I am still in that room, we had a beautiful home and we loved it here, lots of happy memories here and in a way despite what happened I feel closer to her, I am moving out soon but it's the last place we will ever live and for now im not ready to leave that all behind.

I wouldn't say it's giving up but dying from a broken heart

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

I recently lost my wife, soulmate and best friend to suicide . She had struggled with depression for most of her life and she hadn't had an episode for over 7 years but had a particularly tough year for various external and familial reasons, she lost her job, isolated herself from her friends, was drinking excessively and hiding it from me.

I knew she was struggling and I supported her the best that I could and I do know there is nothing more that I could have done to save her and understand this wasn't her that did this but her illness. I always thought I was enough for her and I was her world but have been left feeling like I wasn't enough for her

The day it happened was like any other day, we were happy, she waved me off to work like she did every time and our communication was totally normal. She had stopped responding to my messages at 2pm but initially didn't think much of it as it's not really out of character, it wasn't until I was on the train home that I felt in my soul something had happened.

I got home from work and found her with a bag over her head and that she had taken her own life in our bedroom, it is something I will never come back from.
We had the most amazing weekend before this happened and she told me I had really cheered her up and made things better and told me how much she loved me constantly.

We were together for 10 years and did literally everything together and never spent anytime apart - we used to joke there were not enough hours in the day to spend together - we had literally the perfect relationship. We loved all the same music, TV, movies, hobbies and I am reminded of her everywhere and always will be.
I honestly don't know how I can go on without her. I know a part of me died that day with her and I will never be the same person again. Living was with her and now I am just existing.

Everyone tells me that I have to give it time and that things will get better but I just don't know how they can, I've just lost too much. I've lived my best life with her and know it's all down hill from here as I will never get back any semblance of what I lost, so really what is the point. I am just existing for others right now in unbearable pain and I'm only 35 years old and have too much life left without her to bear. I know she would have wanted me to live (and I know in that moment she thought that my life would be better without her) and everyone tells me this, but she lost that right when she died too.

I get crippling bouts of anxiety and heartbreak over the smallest things, I can't listen to the radio anymore, I can;t watch tv/movies, we spent 10 years together and I feel her presence everywhere. I had a full on panic attack in the supermarket this morning over a tin of baked beans. I wince in pain when I am reminded of her, it physical pain on top of emotional pain like my soul is being ripped from within and it's just such a lonely place to be in, I have amazing friend and family but it's not the same. I have horrible flashbacks to the night I found her which is just so traumatising and I get really bad shakes randomly. I am just so badly damaged

I have never felt so alone and isolated. I sit on the sofa alone and reach for her hand forgetting she's gone, there is a brief moment when I wake where I forget for a second before returning to my living nightmare. I never took her for granted but I guess in a way I took all the small things I miss the most for granted and I guess in a way you take everything for granted until you no longer have it, I thought we had a lifetime together .

every day is worse than the last and I will never not have this pain, I just have to learn to live with it best I can which I am not sure I can do. All I read is how long and how hard people feel this loss and we were as close as two humans could ever be and I don't know how people do it.

I just feel so hopeless and can't live in a world without her in it

Maybe she wouldn't have lasted the ten years she did do without you, hey? Maybe you gave her some happy times and made life worth living for a long time, the demons just got too much in the end.

Two ways of looking at it - the rest of the world sees it that she 'could've been helped and it's a shame she's wasn't saved', but most people on this site would disagree and say she did things her way and is now at peace.

Seeing the former will bring you great distress, forever wondering 'what if…' seeing it as her getting the peace she strived for, however, will maybe help you rest a little easier. Xx

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

I wouldn't say it's giving up but dying from a broken heart

Well I wouldn't reccomend it. I think you mentioned that you have a loving family, would you want them to feel the same thing Liz made you feel?

At least wait until next year before you make any drastic choices. I think holding out at least til then is fair.

 

[tiger b]

Fair on who, though?

 

[piddincir]

Maybe she wouldn't have lasted the ten years she did do without you, hey? Maybe you gave her some happy times and made life worth living for a long time, the demons just got too much in the end.

Two ways of looking at it - the rest of the world sees it that she 'could've been helped and it's a shame she's wasn't saved', but most people on this site would disagree and say she did things her way and is now at peace.

Seeing the former will bring you great distress, forever wondering 'what if…' seeing it as her getting the peace she strived for, however, will maybe help you rest a little easier. Xx

I totally agree and I do accept that you can't save everyone and I really did try, I can take comfort in that and knowing I loved her with all my heart until the very end and she felt that - I know I was the only thing that made her happy in the end and at least she had that. She had her demons and struggles in life, this year in particular, she definitely acted impulsively and quickly and things might have gone so many ways, but all that is out of my control and a wasted endeavour, what has happened has happened it's a tragedy but she is at peace. She will be missed and I think surprised about how much, she had isolated herself a lot from family and friends as she didn't think they cared, but everyone she ever touched with her kind heart has felt the bitter sting of this, none more than me.

I used to blame others a lot for things, one of the things she taught me and something that remains in me today, is to accept responsibility and only when doing so can you really change and accept things and move forward.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

You sound in a very healthy place. Long may it continue xx

 

[piddincir]

I totally agree and I do accept that you can't save everyone and I really did try, I can take comfort in that and knowing I loved her with all my heart until the very end and she felt that - I know I was the only thing that made her happy in the end and at least she had that. She had her demons and struggles in life, this year in particular, she definitely acted impulsively and quickly and things might have gone so many ways, but all that is out of my control and a wasted endeavour, what has happened has happened it's a tragedy but she is at peace. She will be missed and I think surprised about how much, she had isolated herself a lot from family and friends as she didn't think they cared, but everyone she ever touched with her kind heart has felt the bitter sting of this, none more than me.

I used to blame others a lot for things, one of the things she taught me and something that remains in me today, is to accept responsibility and only when doing so can you really change and accept things and move forward.

She really was an incredible woman, she was beautiful beyond belief, smart, funny everyone loved her, but she couldn't often see that in herself, that really affected her this year

You sound in a very healthy place. Long may it continue xx

I would't say healthy but I do understand and accept her decision, anger doesn't get you anywhere but empathy does, another thing I learned from her. She really did make me a better man and for that alone I am eternally grateful.

Healthy though, I am really not in a good place, I have been broken beyond repair and just can't see a future for myself or live in a world without her, the pain is too much.

Fair on who, though?

Yeah I see both sides of this. I know this would destroy my family and friends, I've seen and lived that first hand.

but it was her decision to make and I must make the decision that Is the best for my life. I can't exist for other people in crippling pain, I know I will never be whole again. I know it's only been 4 weeks but I don't think I have the strength to continue without her, she was my reason to live and I can't see another one like it coming around

 

[piddincir]

Ignoring Souls comment (which I warned you for)

Thank you @piddincir for sharing your story with us, I saw your story when you posted it in your reasons for joining the website when I accepted you.

Welcome to the forum! I wont say you are brave or anything like that as you have probably heard that a million times. But that is very traumatic. Allow yourself to feel, to vent, to be emotional, hopefully this site can give you a platform to do that.
Its okay to get angry and loath yourself for what happened (regardless what those say in your personal life)

We cant take responsibility for other peoples actions, she was clearly suffering, and felt that was her only way out. It's not about moving on or getting better, you lost something and that is hard to fill that hole, it can never be filled. But its your choice on what you do next, I hope the best for you whatever choice you take, but you are a badass, not a lot of people could do what you do.

Hopefully you can see her again some day :)

Well just wanted to thank you for accepting me to the site and everyone here has made me feel very welcomed, listened to and above all not criticised for how I feel or what I write, quite the opposite.

It's been an incredibly tough month and I am slowly processing it more each day and each day is a fresh hell to live through. I am still figuring out if a world without her is a world I can live in but it's good to have a safe space to share these thoughts in a non judgemental way.

I've really been touched by the response to sharing my story on here and have really felt that people have appreciate and respected what I have shared, I hope it's helped people as they've certainly helped me.

Honestly I felt a little hypocritical joining as my struggles have around this have been so recent and I felt almost guilt posting at first as I know I've been lucky in so many ways where others have not but have been very welcomed and I feel people have genuinely appreciated what I've shared, I guess I offer perhaps a slightly different perspective, having lost someone to suicide and having lived and loved someone who has had long rooted mental health issues and of course now myself feeling that way. I hope I can help in any way and repay the kindness I have been shown

This site has received a lot of negative press (I live in the UK) but honestly it's probably the nicest online forum I have encountered.