Venting I lost my soulmate to suicide and wanted to vent as I don't know what to do

[Some place nice]

I can't imagine the pain you are in. I am so very sorry. Trauma takes a very long time to cope with and with that kind of trauma is can't imagine how long it will take. I can only wish that it gets better for you.

 

[absolutelyyou]

I wish there was something I could say to easy the pain in your heart but I know if I were in your position right now and my partner took his own life then my own would be on a very short timer as I could not remain here without him. I know the words ring hollow and can't bring back the brightest light in your life, but truly from the bottom of my heart Im so incredibly sorry for your loss. While, as someone whose suffered a life of mental health issues, I can say I'm happy the pain that would not leave her alone is no longer something she ever has to face again I'm truly so sorry for the pain it's put you through. The way you've spoken of her and her struggles is honestly beautiful and reflects just how deeply you loved her and I agree with what you said- your love absolutely kept her here longer than she could have managed alone. Not everyone that suffers so deeply from their illness can be saved, but hospice is a gift to the terminally ill and you filled the last years of her life with love and as much stability as an outsider to her brain could possibly offer. You likely did more for her than you could ever imagine and while I know she would not have wanted you to follow in her footsteps, I know I'd be not long for the world myself so I get it.

Yet again I'm so sorry you're feeling this and I hope you can find some peace in the fact she absolutely stuck around not out of obligation to you but because she wanted to be with you for as long as she could tolerate being on this earth. Unfortunately this earth is overbearing and cruel often and can cause a damage so deep leaving is the only way to finally escape compounded pain.

May you find and know peace in where ever life now takes you, friend.

 

[piddincir]

I wish there was something I could say to easy the pain in your heart but I know if I were in your position right now and my partner took his own life then my own would be on a very short timer as I could not remain here without him. I know the words ring hollow and can't bring back the brightest light in your life, but truly from the bottom of my heart Im so incredibly sorry for your loss. While, as someone whose suffered a life of mental health issues, I can say I'm happy the pain that would not leave her alone is no longer something she ever has to face again I'm truly so sorry for the pain it's put you through. The way you've spoken of her and her struggles is honestly beautiful and reflects just how deeply you loved her and I agree with what you said- your love absolutely kept her here longer than she could have managed alone. Not everyone that suffers so deeply from their illness can be saved, but hospice is a gift to the terminally ill and you filled the last years of her life with love and as much stability as an outsider to her brain could possibly offer. You likely did more for her than you could ever imagine and while I know she would not have wanted you to follow in her footsteps, I know I'd be not long for the world myself so I get it.

Yet again I'm so sorry you're feeling and I hope you can find some peace in the fact she absolutely stuck around not out of obligation to you but because she wanted to be with you for as long as she could tolerate being on this earth. Unfortunately this earth is overbearing and cruel often and can cause a damage so deep leaving in the only way to finally escape compounded pain.

May you find and know peace in where ever life now takes you, friend.

thank you, that really is very beautifully put. Honestly I have been touched by all the kindness on this community and today has been one of the darkest days and I really needed a little kindness

 

[randal_bond]

mate there are many reasons, if you look up most common factors of suicide she ticked all the boxes.

She had a fucked up childhood, a mother who is at the very least BPD of not a total sociopath, she never said she I love you to her kids until they were adults, she had tried to take her own life when she was 12, and this would have been like 1998 so really pre internet which is fucked up, her mother was more worried about what others would think had she actually gone through with it rather than trying to help her daughter, she also didn't want to send her to therapy because of the stigma around it, god the 90s was really fucked up when I think back.

This really instilled in her a lack of any sense of self worth, she became very shy around the time she went to high school, would use alchol and drugs as a crutch in social sitiution - something she never really got over. She had some pretty fucked up things happen to her in her teen years, was raped a couple of times. She had attempted suicide a few other times in those years. She suffered from bouts of depression (and I mean understandably) but they would come in waves and be very deep.

When we met we fell in love with each other so quickly and instantly - its really weird to think how quick it was, she was with a partner of 9 years but we met at a house party on Saturday and the following Saturday she had left him and moved in with me and we never looked back. She only had one depressive episode with me and was on the whole better

She was terrible with money and credit, she went bankrupt in 2019, she had lost a few jobs, she struggled in the professional environment with the use of Xanax and modafinil and lost her last job in April for drinking on the job. She had always used these things as a crutch.

She struggled with unemployment though as well this year, keeping herself busy and active whilst constantly applying for jobs and getting rejections, it is a touch market to be unemployed in.

She had a massive fight with her family too this year and her sister said some very very cruel things to her and they hadn't patched things up.

I found out from her phone that on the days I was in the office (and some I was home) she was ordering bottles of vodka to the house along with cocaine. to be totally honest I used to get her these precription drugs on the DW but I had cut her off as she wasn't working and a good time to stop or so I thought but she would just substitute those with booze and coke I've not learned.

I had caught her drunk a few times, I bought breathalysers and one time she said she hadn't but it came back very positive. I won't lie I was angry with her at being lied too but had sat down with her and said lets work through this together, she was very good at hiding things but at the same time I know she would have held the guilt and shame of lying to me and that definitely played a part. She had isolated herself from her friends, I guess to an extent we both had as we spent all our time together and we loved that, the difference being I used to keep in touch with all my mates even though hadn't seen them in years, she was terrible at keeping in contact with anyone but then would take it personally.

Her company had given her a good pay out as she had worked with them for years but she had pissed that away (again behind my back) run out of money, she had gotten herself into debt again to the tune of £4k (honestly who gives these people credit), I told her that I would pay for us, I am lucky enough to be in a position to do so, she told me she felt like a burden and I would be better off without her, I categorically told her that was not the case we are married and what was mine was hers. She ordered a bottle of vodka the day she died but everything else was totally normal. I really don't think she planned it I think she was having a mental health emergency that day but no one was there for her, she would have thought about me I am sure but convinced herself that I would have been better off without her

She suffered from ideation a lot, she had promised that she couldn't do it because of me and I know it's not a promise she could keep and I do understand why and accept it now to an extent.

sorry this is a really long rant but tbh it's been quite helpful to put all this down in words.

She was a deeply troubled individual and looking back on this whilst it came out of the blue it is not totally shocking, she always had this in her I just thought my love was enough, and you know what it was, one of her oldest friends told me that I had kept her alive longer because of the love she bore for me and for that at least I am grateful to keep such a wonderful woman in this world, she really was loved by everyone but she didn't ever believe it

Sadly I don't think she was longed for this world and I never fully saw her pain to the extent and I know why she hid it from me to not hurt me and I get that. I see this pain in so many other post on here and it breaks my heart what people have gone through in their lives and part of me feels a little hypocritical ranting like this as I've had it so good in life - really all I wanted was love and I had the perfect one - this doesn't take away from this and I would not trade and once of pain I am feeling now for the experiences and time we had together

Hi, OP. You talked a lot about your feelings, now I want to shift focus to your dear wife, may she rest in peace. You love her, so, I'm sure you won't mind.

If she had BPD mother who messed her up, I totally understand why the tragedy happened, because it's my story, too. These people, BPDs, hate authenticity of their children and are intensely jealous of any friends and normality in others' lives. So they break you from inside to feel less unhappy and less alone. If her mother would be still alive, she would have made it all about herself, such a grieving mother who lost her child.
They know how to throw a pity-party. They can play multiple roles, but Drama Queen is their specialty. BTW, this site attracts a lot of them because they're guaranteed attention and empathy here. So, be careful. You never know who are these strangers you're dealing with.

And, as somebody said, please take comfort in reminding yourself that your love doesn't suffer anymore. She's at peace. And that should be a priority if you really love her. We we trully love, we put others first.

 

[kilowatt]

I'm incredibly sorry you had to experience that. It must be very traumatizing and I really do hope I don't leave such impact on my girlfriend when I'm gone. It's real nice how you have the guts to try and understand her decision and you're not alone, this forum has a lot of examples of how awful it must've been for her to struggle to keep going, but don't ever blame yourself because of her actions. As you said, she might've done it even earlier if it wasn't for your support and place in her heart. I bet it was hard for her to leave you, but it's true, she would most likely have wanted for your life to keep going. I hope she found peace and I hope you're gonna come to terms to it. There's nothing wrong about griefing or trying to get your feelings and thoughts out by venting, so do so anytime you please.
Again, I can't imagine how heartbreaking that must've been. Take care.

 

[piddincir]

Hi, OP. You talked a lot about your feelings, now I want to shift focus to your dear wife, may she rest in peace. You love her, so, I'm sure you won't mind.

If she had BPD mother who messed her up, I totally understand why the tragedy happened, because it's my story, too. These people, BPDs, hate authenticity of their children and are intensely jealous of any friends and normality in others' lives. So they break you from inside to feel less unhappy and less alone. If her mother would be still alive, she would have made it all about herself, such a grieving mother who lost her child.
They know how to throw a pity-party. They can play multiple roles, but Drama Queen is their specialty. BTW, this site attracts a lot of them because they're guaranteed attention and empathy here. So, be careful. You never know who are these strangers you're dealing with.

And, as somebody said, please take comfort in reminding yourself that your love doesn't suffer anymore. She's at peace. And that should be a priority if you really love her. We we trully love, we put others first.

Thank you and yes I totally get all those point - sorry for your struggles too, I know what growing up with that toxicity can do to a person

You described exactly what her mother IS doing during all this, playing the pity party and making it about her and her loss - seemly make it feel like she's in the most pain of anyone, like pain and loss is a competition, I knew she would tbh so it's not totally shocking (and I know I win the pain competition).

I know she's at peace and I can live with that I need to find my own, whatever that looks like I've not quite decided

I'm incredibly sorry you had to experience that. It must be very traumatizing and I really do hope I don't leave such impact on my girlfriend when I'm gone. It's real nice how you have the guts to try and understand her decision and you're not alone, this forum has a lot of examples of how awful it must've been for her to struggle to keep going, but don't ever blame yourself because of her actions. As you said, she might've done it even earlier if it wasn't for your support and place in her heart. I bet it was hard for her to leave you, but it's true, she would most likely have wanted for your life to keep going. I hope she found peace and I hope you're gonna come to terms to it. There's nothing wrong about griefing or trying to get your feelings and thoughts out by venting, so do so anytime you please.
Again, I can't imagine how heartbreaking that must've been. Take care.

I knew her better than I knew herself in many ways and I was the first person she opened up to about a lot of things and I've always been good with psychobabble growing up with a therapist for a mother and definitely helped her through a lot of really tough situation in the past.

Look mate what I've taken from this is the impact that suicide has on those left behind, not just me and our families but all the friends we've known, my work colleagues, her work colleagues, our neighbours even the people in our local shop who all knew and loved her. it has a deeply profoundly impact, you hear people saying it's the easy way out (and that's complete bullshit) but I would counter that by saying it's the hardest way to be left behind.

I wouldn't tell you not to do it my friend and I don't know your relationship but it will leave a deep emotional scar on your girlfriend. I would say to limit the damage make sure that she does not find your body as that really has fucked me up to see the love of your life like that.

 

[just_a_guy]

I'm so sorry that this has happened. I cannot possibly understand what you've been going through and the relationship you described sounds like something almost everyone strives for. I hope that you can find some peace amongst this madness

 

[piddincir]

I'm so sorry that this has happened. I cannot possibly understand what you've been going through and the relationship you described sounds like something almost everyone strives for. I hope that you can find some peace amongst this madness

Thanks you and you're right, all our friends wanted to find the love that we had . We would go to random parties and every one would always say how in love we were, god it makes it that much harder but I know how lucky I am to have found that in my life but also how I know I can't live in a world without her

 

[randal_bond]

Thank you and yes I totally get all those point - sorry for your struggles too, I know what growing up with that toxicity can do to a person

You described exactly what her mother IS doing during all this, playing the pity party and making it about her and her loss - seemly make it feel like she's in the most pain of anyone, like pain and loss is a competition, I knew she would tbh so it's not totally shocking (and I know I win the pain competition).

I know she's at peace and I can live with that I need to find my own, whatever that looks like I've not quite decided

I knew her better than I knew herself in many ways and I was the first person she opened up to about a lot of things and I've always been good with psychobabble growing up with a therapist for a mother and definitely helped her through a lot of really tough situation in the past.

Look mate what I've taken from this is the impact that suicide has on those left behind, not just me and our families but all the friends we've known, my work colleagues, her work colleagues, our neighbours even the people in our local shop who all knew and loved her. it has a deeply profoundly impact, you hear people saying it's the easy way out (and that's complete bullshit) but I would counter that by saying it's the hardest way to be left behind.

I wouldn't tell you not to do it my friend and I don't know your relationship but it will leave a deep emotional scar on your girlfriend. I would say to limit the damage make sure that she does not find your body as that really has fucked me up to see the love of your life like that.

Wishing you to find peace. I hope your decision will not be impulsive. You gave her love that she didn't have before. That's precious, man.

 

[LonelyKitten]

Jesus Christ... I'm so sorry.
This story is heart-wrenching! Losing someone you share life with so closely, you love so deeply, is one of the worst pains this world has to offer.
We may be strangers, but I can see... one major indicator that you truly, truly loved this person.
You aren't blaming her. You aren't blaming anyone else.
You're heartbroken at the loss of her, but not by shaming her suffering.
There are very few in this world, no matter how much they love a person, that can put these negativities aside when it comes to someone suffering from suicidality.

I could understand if you could not, or chose not to, recover from this.
You don't have to keep going for everyone else's sake if your own suffering is too immense.
Your suffering matters, not just that of those who know you.
I hope... I hope that you find some form of peace or relief from this. Whatever shape it takes.

All I can say is, I think you should listen to what *you* need, what *you* desire. It doesn't have to be ctb. It can be recovery.
Or something else entirely (?)
This is *your* pain, and *your* life.

Best wishes.

 

[piddincir]

Im so very sorry for the terrible loss of your dear Lizzie. You clearly loved each other so much. She was so lucky to have you and must have tried incredibly hard to stay as long as she possibly could. Losing a partner who you shared all your time and heart with for so long is such a shocking nightmare. I cant imagine how you must feel. The loneliness is intolerable and just never ends. All the memories become so painful. The world feels like a different planet. No one else can know your own pain, but so many people here can understand the hopelessness and sorrow. This site is a unique place in the world - the only safe place where you can express your true feelings - and they are genuinely heard, rather than dismissed. Please be careful who you tell your darkest thoughts to in real life. Family may want to quickly get you to a doctor. And most grief support groups, I have found to be difficult to relate to. Either very patronizing, way too positive, offensively religious, or just a money-making scam. Finding SS was the first time Ive felt like Im not alone. I hope you feel some small bit of momentary solace here as well. If you decide to learn about your options, read everything you can about it and try not to make impulsive mistakes that could harm you. Love to you. Take care

Thank you my fiend, just hearing you use her name made my heart wrench again. This really sums up how I am feeling

Absolutely the loneliness is crippling and the worst part learning to be alone again, why I am ranting on here.

Honestly I came across this site because it was on the BBC, getting negative press in a time I was dealing with all this but I really do feel people understand and that is really helpful and cathartic and really have felt the love

 

[piddincir]

Jesus Christ... I'm so sorry.
This story is heart-wrenching! Losing someone you share life with so closely, you love so deeply, is one of the worst pains this world has to offer.
We may be strangers, but I can see... one major indicator that you truly, truly loved this person.
You aren't blaming her. You aren't blaming anyone else.
You're heartbroken at the loss of her, but not by shaming her suffering.
There are very few in this world, no matter how much they love a person, that can put these negativities aside when it comes to someone suffering from suicidality.

I could understand if you could not, or chose not to, recover from this.
You don't have to keep going for everyone else's sake if your own suffering is too immense.
Your suffering matters, not just that of those who know you.
I hope... I hope that you find some form of peace or relief from this. Whatever shape it takes.

All I can say is, I think you should listen to what *you* need, what *you* desire. It doesn't have to be ctb. It can be recovery.
Or something else entirely (?)
This is *your* pain, and *your* life.

Best wishes.

Thank you for your kind words. I think when your truly truly love someone, understand every part of them as I did with her, I could never blame her for what she did, she did what was best for her in that moment to stop the unbearable pain of all she was thinking and feeling. Am I angry, fuck yeah, of course but more at myself for not being able to do more, I would have died for her and I know ultimately that hers was a life I couldn't save and I will forever be broken but this but I do I understand her decision better now.

I think you're right there are days I can't bear to be here and days when there is the smallest glimmer of hope to hold on to, if not for myself as my life has lost its meaning, but for her, I am her legacy, her memory and she is still and will always be a part of me.

I had ranted me this elsewhere online and to my friends and they all said the standard shit like you have so much to live for, it'll get better - blah blah blah. Maybe there is truth in that maybe not, I guess time will tell if I can or can't live with this.

I really appreciate everyone here respecting whatever decision I make. We might be a community of troubled souls but I've felt a lot of love and support and for today that's enough

 

[tiger b]

I think you have what seems to be a complete insight into everything involved. Your intelligence is remarkable but your clarity, more so. It's a very rare person that can achieve that clarity. For whatever that is worth. Some might call that a gift. It appears to go beyond mere coping mechanism.

Splitting what was so joined in such a way...the agony of that cannot be denied.

There are many things you could do with your experiences but it's you who will now put value or not on everything else in front of you.

I get the feeling you will do exactly what you supposed to, in your own time. I think your lady was blessed to have had that time with you. Maybe that's the only thing of real value when all is said and done.

 

[piddincir]

I think you have what seems to be a complete insight into everything involved. Your intelligence is remarkable but your clarity, more so. It's a very rare person that can achieve that clarity. For whatever that is worth. Some might call that a gift. It appears to go beyond mere coping mechanism.

Splitting what was so joined in such a way...the agony of that cannot be denied.

There are many things you could do with your experiences but it's you who will now put value or not on everything else in front of you.

I get the feeling you will do exactly what you supposed to, in your own time. I think your lady was blessed to have had that time with you. Maybe that's the only thing of real value when all is said and done.

I get the feeling you will do exactly what you supposed to, in your own time. I think your lady was blessed to have had that time with you. Maybe that's the only thing of real value when all is said and done.

I really like that way of thinking about it and you're right and it's just nice to hear that. I know how much she loved me and I am holding on to that and I wouldn't trade an ounce of my pain now for the time I had with her. I have always been blessed with a brain and compassion, in equal measures, part of me will never fully understand why she snapped in that moment but I can make an educated guess as to why - it doesn't make it hurt any less but at least I am not consumed by rage or hatred towards my beloved wife - that was something she actually changed in me. I had issues with anger when I was growing up and went to therapy for her to make myself a better man and it really helped. Just because she's gone I will still honour her by being the man she loved with my actions, in my heart and in our memories.

If I do choose life, it will be a very different life but that can also mean so many things. I had a lot of love to give and I know it can never be the same but maybe it can still be good, I just don't know but thinking that I will do exactly what I am supposed to brings peace to my mind whatever I choose.

I really can't say how much sharing this on here has meant to me today.

I am sure there will be much more venting on here to come, you've all made me feel very welcome, understood and supported - and today that is exactly what I needed to get to tomorrow

 

[LonelyKitten]

I am her legacy, her memory and she is still and will always be a part of me.

Oh my god. This makes me want to cry....

Take this as a compliment - I would have given up everything (and, multiple times, actually have, in pursuit of this ideal (though this is not a good thing. anyone reading this please don't do it it fucked me up no matter how much you put in there is no guarantee you'll be reciprocated in kind on the basis of the level of your sacrifice(s) alone)) to have someone that loves me as much as you do her.

Take care, yeah? I agree with tiger b, you have very good insight and clarity when it comes to your situation.
Maybe some self-care, combined with scheduling/doing some stimulating activities that inspire and get your thoughts rolling can help you come to the conclusion that you need.
Wishing you a good night's sleep today.

 

[tiger b]

Just because she's gone I will still honour her by being the man she loved with my actions, in my heart and in our memories.

Then she isn't entirely gone.

And here's something: she may have died, but the connection between you two, not necessarily so. Wasn't the connection greater than the sum of its parts? Isn't that what was truly special?

Strong connections can and will defy conventional logic because there's nothing conventional or logical about them!

Maybe you can still feel it - almost physically and even locate the actual location (!) - and that's of mixed blessings. Well, actually, you define that entirely. I'll leave that there.

Best wishes for tomorrow

Take this as a compliment - I would have given up everything (and, multiple times, actually have, in pursuit of this ideal (though this is not a good thing. anyone reading this please don't do it it fucked me up no matter how much you put in there is no guarantee you'll be reciprocated in kind on the basis of the level of your sacrifice(s) alone)) to have someone that loves me as much as you do her.

Tell me another ideal 'worth' recklessly pursuing...no, chocolate isn't an ideal

Sometimes gambles do pay off...hopeless romantics do occasionally win.

And who said cats were cold! Good on you, frauline katzchen.

 

[piddincir]

I really can't believe the love and support I have received on here. This forum has gotten a lot of bad press but I wonder how many peoples lives this has actually improved. it can't be known or quantified and will never be reported but from my heart thank you to everyone for your kind word.

There are a lot of really good souls here and it makes me sad that we are all here because I feel a lot of people on here genuinely care understand and do not make any judgement about your life, your circumstances or your decisions. Life has just fucked us all somehow but it's good to have a place to vent on these things and feel that people give a shit and can relate.

So again thank you all.

I am writing my wife's eulogy today and my own and going through our 40,000 pictures from the last 10 years for photos for our funerals - I know this day is going to be nearly impossible

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I'm so sorry and May her soul rest in peace. This must be so difficult for you, I don't have much to say but I wanted to recommend you to try suicide bereavement a sub section on Reddit. It is a community for those who have lost their loved ones to suicide.

I wish you healing on this painful journey and I can't imagine what you must be going through.

I'm sorry.

 

[piddincir]

I'm so sorry and May her soul test in peace. This must be so difficult for you, I don't have much to say but I wanted to recommend you to try suicide bereavement a sub section on Reddit. It is a community for those who have lost their loved ones to suicide.

I wish you healing on this painful journey and I can't imagine what you must be going through.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for your kind words.

I joined that sub first and it was a great place to vent, but tbh I got tired of people telling me it would get better but then reading posts where people were saying it's been 1, 2,5, 10... years and I still feel the pain - I know I can't shoulder this pain much longer, and I am not diminishing others relationships but what we had is just so rare. She was part of me and I just know I dont have the strength to continue without her. the pain is just unbearable.

That's what lead me here - I know its inappropriate to post on there how my life is over and I want to end it all as I dont want to be insensitive to those in pain and even If I did everyone would tell me the same shit that life is worth living, maybe that's true for some but day by day I am realising its not for me.

I feel I am close, I had to write her eulogy today and my note and plans for our funeral and wrote a will. I knew I needed to pen this down before I go, its the last thing I will ever do for her but writing it has broken what is left of me, remembering our life and love and how lucky I was to have it -

I might post it on here at some point just to vent and complete this tragic story to all those that have shown me love and support here.

I've had panic attack after panic attack today and If I could move instead of just sitting here shaking I could end it all tonight but I know I would fuck it up if I tried now

 

[tiger b]

If you feel that I could help you on the panic attacks, are willing to try something simple and non-evasive to counter it - even if it merely frees you a little more to do what you need to sort out - then feel free to send me a PM. Just ignore if this is of no relevance to you. Happy to delete this message if you find it irritating.

 

[Unfit]

@piddincir I am so sorry to hear this... I read this yesterday and decided to create an account and make this reply my first post. I truly wish you strength today and every day. Thank you for sharing your story. All the best.

 

[piddincir]

@piddincir I am so sorry to hear this... I read this yesterday and decided to create an account and make this reply my first post. I truly wish you strength today and every day. Thank you for sharing your story. All the best.

Thank you, it really is a beautifully tragic story of love and loss, when I can bring myself too I will post our eulogy on here

 

[Jinxyxx]

Reading this was heartbreaking. I know how cliche "Youre so strong" sounds rn but I mean seriously i am amazed how youre able to deal with this. Its hard. And it will always be hard. You are aware of that but you keep going for both you and your loved one. That is honestly inspiring. I dont think i would be able to do that.
Also, its beautiful that you managed to make her life better by being with her. She maybe lost to her illness but you made her stay so much better than it could have been. You are amazing and I truly wish you all the best.

 

[piddincir]

Reading this was heartbreaking. I know how cliche "Youre so strong" sounds rn but I mean seriously i am amazed how youre able to deal with this. Its hard. And it will always be hard. You are aware of that but you keep going for both you and your loved one. That is honestly inspiring. I dont think i would be able to do that.
Also, its beautiful that you managed to make her life better by being with her. She maybe lost to her illness but you made her stay so much better than it could have been. You are amazing and I truly wish you all the best.

Thank you.

I would like to think im strong and I am trying to keep strong for her if nothing else, I want to get to her funeral and give her the send off she deserves, its the last thing I will ever do for her but I am not sure I can make it. I think the only reason I am still here now is because my brain shut down in the beginning, I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't process it, I was numb and living in a state of suspended animation

If you've ever been in an accident where you injure yourself but don't feel the pain until later due to all the adrenaline , t's like that - I've been in a massive psychological and emotional crash, like smashing into a brick wall at 100mph and I can feel that starting to subside as my brain is starting to process it - its really beginning to feel properly real. Honestly every day is worse than the last, the pain is immense and each day I struggle to get to the next. I feel myself fading away. For me this was the only thing in life that could have broken me and I am living my worst nightmare every day and it is too much to take

 

[Unfit]

Thank you, it really is a beautifully tragic story of love and loss, when I can bring myself too I will post our eulogy on here

Definitely would appreciate the read if you are comfortable sharing it here. I know you had plenty of things to share and I am willing to bet that the eulogy was nothing short of poetic. Thank you again for sharing you and your wife's story.

 

[Jinxyxx]

I would like to think im strong and I am trying to keep strong for her if nothing else

I believe you are strong for getting up in the morning, for going to the store and just for continuing your life while carrying such a heavy burden.
And in my opinion, the funeral is actually for the living, not for the ones that passed. If its important for you not to miss that moment, go. But you shouldnt feel pressured to attend the funeral if you think it will be too much for you. Im sure she would understand whatever choice you make.

I understand the feeling youre describing. After going through something so traumatizing, i cant even imagine how difficult it must be to face the reality of what had happened. Unfortunately, what happened can not be changed. We can only try and find the strength to carry this pain with us. I wish you good luck man. And the strength to live in this reality that can sometimes be so cruel.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

You seem like you tried your best. We all wish someone like you was in our lives and I'm sure you made it a little more bearable for her at times. Ultimately if she could not get right within her self, even with your support its a tragic thing. If you can find support and therapy to help you work through this then I would highly encourage you to do so. Don't stay here with us forgotten souls if you can help it. They say if you are going through hell then just keep going. That is really true, only those of us that are not capable stay here.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I read your post days ago but couldn't bare to comment as, even though it's not me or anyone related to me, it shook me and I needed some days to process it.

I'm so deeply sorry for the gigantic loss you're experiencing. I can't fathom how that would feel like, to lose my person. Even so, your judgment is so clear and calm (at least my interpretation reading your posts) that it's remarkable.

You sound like a highly intelligent man who deeply loved his wife and she loved you back as deeply. I'm so sorry your life together was cut short like this, your wife deserved a life free of feeling suicidal, a life of love with you, her soulmate.

Whatever you decide to do, I will be wishing you the best, all the peace and love in the world. You really deserve that after such a tragic loss... I wish I had better words to express what I feel about your posts.

 

[piddincir]

I read your post days ago but couldn't bare to comment as, even though it's not me or anyone related to me, it shook me and I needed some days to process it.

I'm so deeply sorry for the gigantic loss you're experiencing. I can't fathom how that would feel like, to lose my person. Even so, your judgment is so clear and calm (at least my interpretation reading your posts) that it's remarkable.

You sound like a highly intelligent man who deeply loved his wife and she loved you back as deeply. I'm so sorry your life together was cut short like this, your wife deserved a life free of feeling suicidal, a life of love with you, her soulmate.

Whatever you decide to do, I will be wishing you the best, all the peace and love in the world. You really deserve that after such a tragic loss... I wish I had better words to express what I feel about your posts.

Thank you and truly this seems to have really touched a lot of people and I am glad that I chose to share this. I was a little sceptical of posting this at first, I had read a lot about peoples lifelong struggles with this, and felt a little hypocritical posting as my struggles are so recent and I have been lucky in life (until now at least) and had a life that a lot of people on here haven't and I know how lucky I am for this.

I guess I am in a unique position, being I've live, loved and fully understood someone who has gone through this their whole life, can offer a perspective from someone 'left behind' but also now a fellow troubled soul.

A lot of people have commented on my clarity and understanding of this and I wanted to explain that a little as I owe this completely to my wife. Yes I was born with a big brain but I had my own struggles in life, particularly around self worth and with anger. Before my wife, I never felt worth of a relationship, this is not boasting but people seem to like and gravitate towards me, people especially open up to me and I am not an unattractive man, but for some reason when I got close to anyone I would convince myself I was not worthy - this turned into anger, mostly anger at myself, until I met my wife and it was weird because all those insecurities just did not apply to her and I never ever felt that way with her.

I still had these underlying anger issues though and would just get irrationally angry over the smallest things, losing the TV remote, knocking something over would send me to a melt down and there were times I directed this at my wife in the first couple of years, my parents used to say his having a hissy fit again - in fact the first time she met my parents they asked if she had seen that, she hadn't but I spilled some peppercorn in the kitchen making dinner and then she did but found it funny then.

She had a major depressive episode in year 2 of our relationship and I was so supportive but there was one week where I snapped and got angry as I felt that for all my trying I couldn't fix her and took it personally. I slowly came to realise that I couldn't fix her but what I could do was just be there for her, that was all she needed.

Anyways once she got through her issues and was on the mend, she asked about my anger and I remember her saying how difficult that must be to live like that, and you know what it's not something I had ever really thought about, it just thought and accepted that was normal, clearly it wasn't but it was a part of me as long as I remembered I didn't know any different. She helped me see that in myself and I went to therapy myself to be a better man for her, and you know what it really helped me and I've not been that person in 7 years.

In the first week I certainly had a lot of anger and I could feel myself sliding back, the night I found her I held her body in my arms but I remember this building rage inside me, I've never raised my hand to her or ever will but I really wanted to slap her and there were definitely times I fucking hated her.

Anger is part of grieving sure it but it's not the man she would want me to be and the only way to find acceptance is to let it go - it can't change anything and I can understand why she did it, do I approve fuck no, had things gone differently this year would she be alive now, absolutely but she always had this in her and when you accept this you understand these thoughts can spiral quickly, she was wired differently, - I dont know why im sharing all this, I think in a way to credit her in her role shaping me as a person, because she was really proud of me and I guess she can't anymore -

 

[piddincir]

You seem like you tried your best. We all wish someone like you was in our lives and I'm sure you made it a little more bearable for her at times. Ultimately if she could not get right within her self, even with your support its a tragic thing. If you can find support and therapy to help you work through this then I would highly encourage you to do so. Don't stay here with us forgotten souls if you can help it. They say if you are going through hell then just keep going. That is really true, only those of us that are not capable stay here.

Thanks mate, I am looking into therapy as an option, it's a tough one as I am well versed in therapy and I am not sure there is anything that can help with my case, im ploughing through hell every day but I can also feel myself fading , there is a quote from Lord of the Rings (yes I am a massive sci fi fantasy geek) that keeps playing in my mind;

How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.

I've lost too much and its whether I can live with it or not, I've never felt this way before so I think your right might possible, is it worth it is another question or can I live through this pain I am not sure

Definitely would appreciate the read if you are comfortable sharing it here. I know you had plenty of things to share and I am willing to bet that the eulogy was nothing short of poetic. Thank you again for sharing you and your wife's story.

I am finishing it off today as I couldn't quite find the strength to yesterday but I will post it later when done - I would like to share, regardless of what happens to me its the other half of the story, the Nice part.

God im finishing it off now, its the most beautiful and tragic love story, would probably make for a really good tear jerker movie , a modern day Romeo and Juliet