Venting I lost my soulmate to suicide and wanted to vent as I don't know what to do

[piddincir]

I recently lost my wife, soulmate and best friend to suicide . She had struggled with depression for most of her life and she hadn't had an episode for over 7 years but had a particularly tough year for various external and familial reasons, she lost her job, isolated herself from her friends, was drinking excessively and hiding it from me.

I knew she was struggling and I supported her the best that I could and I do know there is nothing more that I could have done to save her and understand this wasn't her that did this but her illness. I always thought I was enough for her and I was her world but have been left feeling like I wasn't enough for her

The day it happened was like any other day, we were happy, she waved me off to work like she did every time and our communication was totally normal. She had stopped responding to my messages at 2pm but initially didn't think much of it as it's not really out of character, it wasn't until I was on the train home that I felt in my soul something had happened.

I got home from work and found her with a bag over her head and that she had taken her own life in our bedroom, it is something I will never come back from.
We had the most amazing weekend before this happened and she told me I had really cheered her up and made things better and told me how much she loved me constantly.

We were together for 10 years and did literally everything together and never spent anytime apart - we used to joke there were not enough hours in the day to spend together - we had literally the perfect relationship. We loved all the same music, TV, movies, hobbies and I am reminded of her everywhere and always will be.
I honestly don't know how I can go on without her. I know a part of me died that day with her and I will never be the same person again. Living was with her and now I am just existing.

Everyone tells me that I have to give it time and that things will get better but I just don't know how they can, I've just lost too much. I've lived my best life with her and know it's all down hill from here as I will never get back any semblance of what I lost, so really what is the point. I am just existing for others right now in unbearable pain and I'm only 35 years old and have too much life left without her to bear. I know she would have wanted me to live (and I know in that moment she thought that my life would be better without her) and everyone tells me this, but she lost that right when she died too.

I get crippling bouts of anxiety and heartbreak over the smallest things, I can't listen to the radio anymore, I can;t watch tv/movies, we spent 10 years together and I feel her presence everywhere. I had a full on panic attack in the supermarket this morning over a tin of baked beans. I wince in pain when I am reminded of her, it physical pain on top of emotional pain like my soul is being ripped from within and it's just such a lonely place to be in, I have amazing friend and family but it's not the same. I have horrible flashbacks to the night I found her which is just so traumatising and I get really bad shakes randomly. I am just so badly damaged

I have never felt so alone and isolated. I sit on the sofa alone and reach for her hand forgetting she's gone, there is a brief moment when I wake where I forget for a second before returning to my living nightmare. I never took her for granted but I guess in a way I took all the small things I miss the most for granted and I guess in a way you take everything for granted until you no longer have it, I thought we had a lifetime together .

every day is worse than the last and I will never not have this pain, I just have to learn to live with it best I can which I am not sure I can do. All I read is how long and how hard people feel this loss and we were as close as two humans could ever be and I don't know how people do it.

I just feel so hopeless and can't live in a world without her in it

 

[todienomore]

I cant fathom trying to move forward after something like that.

Trauma Release Exercises / somatic therapy, EMDR might be some tools that help you work through the PTSD.

 

[tiger b]

I am very sorry for your loss. Best wishes no matter what you do.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

I recently lost my wife, soulmate and best friend to suicide . She had struggled with depression for most of her life and she hadn't had an episode for over 7 years but had a particularly tough year for various external and familial reasons, she lost her job, isolated herself from her friends, was drinking excessively and hiding it from me.

I knew she was struggling and I supported her the best that I could and I do know there is nothing more that I could have done to save her and understand this wasn't her that did this but her illness. I always thought I was enough for her and I was her world but have been left feeling like I wasn't enough for her

The day it happened was like any other day, we were happy, she waved me off to work like she did every time and our communication was totally normal. She had stopped responding to my messages at 2pm but initially didn't think much of it as it's not really out of character, it wasn't until I was on the train home that I felt in my soul something had happened.

I got home from work and found her with a bag over her head and that she had taken her own life in our bedroom, it is something I will never come back from.
We had the most amazing weekend before this happened and she told me I had really cheered her up and made things better and told me how much she loved me constantly.

We were together for 10 years and did literally everything together and never spent anytime apart - we used to joke there were not enough hours in the day to spend together - we had literally the perfect relationship. We loved all the same music, TV, movies, hobbies and I am reminded of her everywhere and always will be.
I honestly don't know how I can go on without her. I know a part of me died that day with her and I will never be the same person again. Living was with her and now I am just existing.

Everyone tells me that I have to give it time and that things will get better but I just don't know how they can, I've just lost too much. I've lived my best life with her and know it's all down hill from here as I will never get back any semblance of what I lost, so really what is the point. I am just existing for others right now in unbearable pain and I'm only 35 years old and have too much life left without her to bear. I know she would have wanted me to live (and I know in that moment she thought that my life would be better without her) and everyone tells me this, but she lost that right when she died too.

I get crippling bouts of anxiety and heartbreak over the smallest things, I can't listen to the radio anymore, I can;t watch tv/movies, we spent 10 years together and I feel her presence everywhere. I had a full on panic attack in the supermarket this morning over a tin of baked beans. I wince in pain when I am reminded of her, it physical pain on top of emotional pain like my soul is being ripped from within and it's just such a lonely place to be in, I have amazing friend and family but it's not the same. I have horrible flashbacks to the night I found her which is just so traumatising and I get really bad shakes randomly. I am just so badly damaged

I have never felt so alone and isolated. I sit on the sofa alone and reach for her hand forgetting she's gone, there is a brief moment when I wake where I forget for a second before returning to my living nightmare. I never took her for granted but I guess in a way I took all the small things I miss the most for granted and I guess in a way you take everything for granted until you no longer have it, I thought we had a lifetime together .

every day is worse than the last and I will never not have this pain, I just have to learn to live with it best I can which I am not sure I can do. All I read is how long and how hard people feel this loss and we were as close as two humans could ever be and I don't know how people do it.

I just feel so hopeless and can't live in a world without her in it

I am so sorry. Can't even begin to imagine how you feel

 

[its.all.gone]

sorry for your terrible loss. to me it sounds like there was not much else that you could have done. mental disease is/can be just as bad as cancer.

 

[uncat_]

I really hope i dont do something like this to my future-spouse/current partner. i love him with my whole being, but this illness can blind me at times. I pray i'd at least make him forget about me first, it's unfair (and selfish, imo) to do this someone you're in a long-term and loving relationship with. My partner deserves better than someone who'd take their life and leave him with the guilt.

I hope your loved one finds peace. and i hope you do too, in whatever form that may be. may her soul rest easy, and may yours too.

 

[february in alaska]

Welcome to being single.

We go through this every single day but without the added benefit of actually ever experienced love/being loved. Never had happy memories. And never had anyone give a f about you.

You now know what it feels like to be suicidal, lonely, depressed, single, alone, never expereincing love, never loved by anyone. I've been going through this for my whole life. You've only experienced it for a few years.

Man, I get that you might have a terminal case of main character syndrome but this is not about you. Stop playing the trauma olympics and making it a competition.

Try having some empathy for someone else for once, jesus fucking christ

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Welcome to being single.

We go through this every single day but without the added benefit of actually ever experienced love/being loved. Never had happy memories. And never had anyone give a f about you.

You now know what it feels like to be suicidal, lonely, depressed, single, alone, never expereincing love, never loved by anyone. I've been going through this for my whole life. You've only experienced it for a few years.

You really think this is appropriate? Do you feel better now you've kicked someone who's already down? We're all in the same boat here...

 

[Tired_only]

Man, I get that you might have a terminal case of main character syndrome but this is not about you. Stop playing the trauma olympics and making it a competition.

Try having some empathy for someone else for once, jesus fucking christ

I have empathy. Im actually diagnosed with mental illness where one of the symptoms is I feel too much empathy, too much emotion. Im getting better at controlling when to feel empathy. More recently I dont feel empathy for people who have a better life.

You really think this is appropriate? Do you feel better now you've kicked someone who's already down? We're all in the same boat here...

They're not down when they have experienced love. They even said they lived their best life with that person. Some of us have never got to expereince a "best life"

 

[hermestrimegistus]

Welcome to being single.

We go through this every single day but without the added benefit of actually ever experienced love/being loved. Never had happy memories. And never had anyone give a f about you.

You now know what it feels like to be suicidal, lonely, depressed, single, alone, never expereincing love, never loved by anyone. I've been going through this for my whole life. You've only experienced it for a few years.

This is so not about you. And clearly OP does have happy memories and has had someone give a fuck about them. Which is why this is probably so hard for them. This comment is extremely out of touch. And immature. Grow up. Look in the mirror. Go outside. Touch grass. Everything is not about you, dude. This is a bad take. You're being an ass

 

[Againstthewind]

Ignoring Souls comment (which I warned you for)

Thank you @piddincir for sharing your story with us, I saw your story when you posted it in your reasons for joining the website when I accepted you.

Welcome to the forum! I wont say you are brave or anything like that as you have probably heard that a million times. But that is very traumatic. Allow yourself to feel, to vent, to be emotional, hopefully this site can give you a platform to do that.
Its okay to get angry and loath yourself for what happened (regardless what those say in your personal life)

We cant take responsibility for other peoples actions, she was clearly suffering, and felt that was her only way out. It's not about moving on or getting better, you lost something and that is hard to fill that hole, it can never be filled. But its your choice on what you do next, I hope the best for you whatever choice you take, but you are a badass, not a lot of people could do what you do.

Hopefully you can see her again some day :)

 

[tiger b]

It's a venting thread. Not even a discussion

And you judging 'a better life' doesn't belong here.

You're welcome to start your own thread about you.

If you can't be helpful, shut the fuck up.

 

[its.all.gone]

I have empathy. Im actually diagnosed with mental illness where one of the symptoms is I feel too much empathy, too much emotion. Im getting better at controlling when to feel empathy. More recently I dont feel empathy for people who have a better life.

They're not down when they have experienced love. They even said they lived their best life with that person. Some of us have never got to expereince a "best life"

sorry to hear about your mental illness, they do come in all forms. too much emotion is different from too much empathy.

may I suggest u better look at this thread more closely and learn a bit from it? fine if you want to pass, just dont come back with something about you.

 

[Raindancer]

Piddincir, I am so sorry for your loss and trauma. I cannot even imagine that kind of pain. I wish both of you peace and sending healing energy and thoughts.

 

[its.all.gone]

sorry for your terrible loss. to me it sounds like there was not much else that you could have done. mental disease is/can be just as bad as cancer.

@piddincir I also want to add bit more about the cancer analogy. As mental illness is a invisible disease it is difficult to explain, but I think it can be just as bad as cancer.

The weekend before was most amazing per you and she said I love you many times to you. If you can imagine a cancer patient who had some time left but would have been bed ridden etc, just before that phase , you took for am amazing experience. and she wanted to remember that as her last than anything else. so you provided her the comfort she wanted in her last days.

yeah she probably lost the right to decide for your happiness when she decided to leave, but that was the only way she knew. and likely she had no better way to explain what was going on with her.

 

[dumblosergirl]

Welcome to being single.

We go through this every single day but without the added benefit of actually ever experienced love/being loved. Never had happy memories. And never had anyone give a f about you.

You now know what it feels like to be suicidal, lonely, depressed, single, alone, never expereincing love, never loved by anyone. I've been going through this for my whole life. You've only experienced it for a few years.

Oh please, get over yourself. This isn't the post to be throwing a pity party on.


OP sorry for your loss. She would want you to continue on in her stead and have you feel the happiness and joy in life that she never felt.

 

[piddincir]

Thank you everyone for your really kind comments - this site gets a lot of bad press and we are all here for a certain reason, but joining other communities before I found this one, whist helpful iniitllay there were always those who would tell you to go and find god or tell you that it's going to get better which really pisses me off. Everyones situation is different - we are all here for the same reasons sure but I can't imagine what everyone else is going through or what in their life has brought them to here. I appreciate people not telling me what to do but just listening and empathising so again thank you.

I totally agree with the cancer analogy and I know my wife succumb to her illness. You wouldn't tell a stage 4 cancer patient it will get better - you tell them barring a miracle they're going to die. You know what I've come to realise, I know that I gave my lovely wife more years on this earth and my love was enough to keep this wonderful human on this earth a few more years and for that at least I am grateful for the extra time.

The analogy I like to use for my own situation is like being in an accident and I've been in a very traumatic and damaging one and there are some accidents you don't walk away from. Everyone told me it was her decision and that was hard to take at first but I've come to accept it the best I can but all my family and friends have told me I can't make the same decision which they simply can't. I've had my own struggles in life with mental health, never depression or anxiety but now I totally get how she would have been feeling and struggling - I can understand better why she chose to end it all and the pain I am in I know I can't live with

@Tired_only I totally get where you're coming from (and appreciate everyone standing up for me on this as well) but I don't know you're life and it sounds like you've been struggling alone mate and to that I can empathise with you on that. From what I've read on others on here I really understand how hard life had been for such a long. I will never profess to know anyone else's life and never truly can, but what I can say is I have had a great life, I've been incredibly lucky in so many ways, I've had an amazing and loving family and some incredible friends - and a true love that was the best thing I can't even describe - finding this was all I ever wanted in life, and I didn't just find love I found the my perfect forever person just our forever wasn't as long as I would have liked. It doesn't make it better , it doesn't make it worse, it is what it is , I just know I can't go on knowing the life I had I will never get back and I truly have lost all over

Thank you for listening and im sure there will be more venting to come

R.I.P my beautiful, kind and simply amazing Lizzie I will always love you and my heart is yours forever

I really hope i dont do something like this to my future-spouse/current partner. i love him with my whole being, but this illness can blind me at times. I pray i'd at least make him forget about me first, it's unfair (and selfish, imo) to do this someone you're in a long-term and loving relationship with. My partner deserves better than someone who'd take their life and leave him with the guilt.

I hope your loved one finds peace. and i hope you do too, in whatever form that may be. may her soul rest easy, and may yours too.

I totally get that, she had promised me she wouldn't do that. My wife had said that my life would be better without her in the last month and felt like a burden, I knew this was a huge red flag and I thought I had convinced her otherwise, she told me the weekend before how much I had cheered her up.

I discovered she was hiding quite a significant drinking and drug problem and I know wasn't in her right mind when she chose to do it. When she first lost her job she had written me a note (annoyingly she locked it in notes with a custom password that she couldn't remember) but hadn't left anything this time and I know it's because writing the note before had deterred her from it and I know in the moment she was determined to go.

I can't tell you what to do but no matter what this will have a profound impact on your parter. Pushing them away will probably make them feel worse and had we not had such a nice weekend or had an argument or something I feel worse that I do now, and I am pretty much at rock bottom. I do also understand you can't save everyone.

I describe it as a suicide murder, her suicide has taken my life too and I know if she could see the affect this has had on me I know she wouldn't have done it.

Even if I hated her this would have really fucked me up, I wouldn't want to die like I do know but I can tell you from experience being left behind is horrific and there are so many things you don't think about, all the admin side alone is a nightmare.

Ive tried to make this on those I leave behind by selling all out possessions so they don't have to deal with that and setting up my will and all the legal side of things so my loved ones don't have that added burden that I am having to sort out

 

[jujujr]

I am so sorry for your loss

 

[venin.n]

I recently lost my wife, soulmate and best friend to suicide . She had struggled with depression for most of her life and she hadn't had an episode for over 7 years but had a particularly tough year for various external and familial reasons, she lost her job, isolated herself from her friends, was drinking excessively and hiding it from me.

I knew she was struggling and I supported her the best that I could and I do know there is nothing more that I could have done to save her and understand this wasn't her that did this but her illness. I always thought I was enough for her and I was her world but have been left feeling like I wasn't enough for her

The day it happened was like any other day, we were happy, she waved me off to work like she did every time and our communication was totally normal. She had stopped responding to my messages at 2pm but initially didn't think much of it as it's not really out of character, it wasn't until I was on the train home that I felt in my soul something had happened.

I got home from work and found her with a bag over her head and that she had taken her own life in our bedroom, it is something I will never come back from.
We had the most amazing weekend before this happened and she told me I had really cheered her up and made things better and told me how much she loved me constantly.

We were together for 10 years and did literally everything together and never spent anytime apart - we used to joke there were not enough hours in the day to spend together - we had literally the perfect relationship. We loved all the same music, TV, movies, hobbies and I am reminded of her everywhere and always will be.
I honestly don't know how I can go on without her. I know a part of me died that day with her and I will never be the same person again. Living was with her and now I am just existing.

Everyone tells me that I have to give it time and that things will get better but I just don't know how they can, I've just lost too much. I've lived my best life with her and know it's all down hill from here as I will never get back any semblance of what I lost, so really what is the point. I am just existing for others right now in unbearable pain and I'm only 35 years old and have too much life left without her to bear. I know she would have wanted me to live (and I know in that moment she thought that my life would be better without her) and everyone tells me this, but she lost that right when she died too.

I get crippling bouts of anxiety and heartbreak over the smallest things, I can't listen to the radio anymore, I can;t watch tv/movies, we spent 10 years together and I feel her presence everywhere. I had a full on panic attack in the supermarket this morning over a tin of baked beans. I wince in pain when I am reminded of her, it physical pain on top of emotional pain like my soul is being ripped from within and it's just such a lonely place to be in, I have amazing friend and family but it's not the same. I have horrible flashbacks to the night I found her which is just so traumatising and I get really bad shakes randomly. I am just so badly damaged

I have never felt so alone and isolated. I sit on the sofa alone and reach for her hand forgetting she's gone, there is a brief moment when I wake where I forget for a second before returning to my living nightmare. I never took her for granted but I guess in a way I took all the small things I miss the most for granted and I guess in a way you take everything for granted until you no longer have it, I thought we had a lifetime together .

every day is worse than the last and I will never not have this pain, I just have to learn to live with it best I can which I am not sure I can do. All I read is how long and how hard people feel this loss and we were as close as two humans could ever be and I don't know how people do it.

I just feel so hopeless and can't live in a world without her in it

I'm sorry she left… it must be heartbreaking the least

But if she made this decision, she must've thought it thru. What I mean by that is that she considered this as being the best option. So… if you could be happy about her not suffering anymore and being free, it's a start. Maybe you can't, just stating an option.

As to your life, it's completely up to you. If it were for me, I'd wait a while, 6 months or so. Grieve, cry, be angry and accept the feelings that come up. And maybe after taking care of yourself for a bit, and giving yourself time, you will be able to decide what you want to do.

You seem like a guy who has a lot to offer. There are women out there who might be very well suited for your needs and personality. But for that, you have to have a bit of patience right now.

It takes time. It was a catastrophy and that needs a lot of time regarding the healing part.

No matter what you do, the community is here for you. That's a fact.

Take extra care of yourself right now.

Hugs

 

[piddincir]

I'm sorry she left… it must be heartbreaking the least

But if she made this decision, she must've thought it thru. What I mean by that is that she considered this as being the best option. So… if you could be happy about her not suffering anymore and being free, it's a start. Maybe you can't, just stating an option.

As to your life, it's completely up to you. If it were for me, I'd wait a while, 6 months or so. Grieve, cry, be angry and accept the feelings that come up. And maybe after taking care of yourself for a bit, and giving yourself time, you will be able to decide what you want to do.

You seem like a guy who has a lot to offer. There are women out there who might be very well suited for your needs and personality. But for that, you have to have a bit of patience right now.

It takes time. It was a catastrophy and that needs a lot of time regarding the healing part.

No matter what you do, the community is here for you. That's a fact.

Take extra care of yourself right now.

Hugs

Thanks mate, this all makes a lot of sense, it's the only peace I have been able to find that she's at peace, she had struggled but I didn't realise quite how much she had be suffering. She hid a lot of things from me, she was secretly drinking and doing cocaine behind my back and every time I was in the office and some times that I was home. I know why she hid these things out of shame and guilt - and she would have been worried my reaction if I found out which does help to explain a little better but also makes me feel a certain way.

I would have done anything to help her but I do now understand you can't save everyone, I just thought our love was the thing that would conquer all. I know I couldn't have done more but part of me blames myself that I didn't notice or do more at the time, and I do know I can't blame myself but I do and that's hard to reconcile in my mind.

We were devoted to each other, yes she had her issues and I had mine, I had worked hard on mine to be a better man for her and I wish she had done the same. She always had this in her, she had attempted before and I know would have thought it through in her head but I had always been enough for her until I wasn't.

I was a good guy and I was a great husband (she was equal to me at this) but honestly I have nothing left to offer anyone, on top of being heartbroken and knowing I could never love another as much as her, it would be unfair to anyone else who loved me who could never compare to her. I know I can never trust anyone again either, the person I was 4 weeks ago this second is gone forever.

I know it's so raw right now and my emotions can flip instantly but I just can't see a future without her in that I want to be a part of. I really have lost all hope and I guess in way that has helped me understand how she must have felt in that moment a lot better but also to have a much greater understanding of what a lot of other people go through on a daily basis and relate to posts I've read on here and just how shit life can be/is.

I really want to thank everyone for their kind words and support - just screaming into the void right now is what I need

 

[venin.n]

Thanks mate, this all makes a lot of sense, it's the only peace I have been able to find that she's at peace, she had struggled but I didn't realise quite how much she had be suffering. She hid a lot of things from me, she was secretly drinking and doing cocaine behind my back and every time I was in the office and some times that I was home. I know why she hid these things out of shame and guilt - and she would have been worried my reaction if I found out which does help to explain a little better but also makes me feel a certain way.

I would have done anything to help her but I do now understand you can't save everyone, I just thought our love was the thing that would conquer all. I know I couldn't have done more but part of me blames myself that I didn't notice or do more at the time, and I do know I can't blame myself but I do and that's hard to reconcile in my mind.

We were devoted to each other, yes she had her issues and I had mine, I had worked hard on mine to be a better man for her and I wish she had done the same. She always had this in her, she had attempted before and I know would have thought it through in her head but I had always been enough for her until I wasn't.

I was a good guy and I was a great husband (she was equal to me at this) but honestly I have nothing left to offer anyone, on top of being heartbroken and knowing I could never love another as much as her, it would be unfair to anyone else who loved me who could never compare to her. I know I can never trust anyone again either, the person I was 4 weeks ago this second is gone forever.

I know it's so raw right now and my emotions can flip instantly but I just can't see a future without her in that I want to be a part of. I really have lost all hope and I guess in way that has helped me understand how she must have felt in that moment a lot better but also to have a much greater understanding of what a lot of other people go through on a daily basis and relate to posts I've read on here and just how shit life can be/is.

I really want to thank everyone for their kind words and support - just screaming into the void right now is what I need

So do whatever the fuck you feel like doing

We're in the void with u. Certainly I am.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least those who are gone cannot suffer anymore, the reality is that for so many people in this existence death is a relief. But anyway rest in peace.

 

[piddincir]

So do whatever the fuck you feel like doing

We're in the void with u. Certainly I am.

I;'ve read a fair few of your posts and comments, you seem like you have a good soul mate I am sorry you're life is fucked up too

 

[venin.n]

Thanks mate, this all makes a lot of sense, it's the only peace I have been able to find that she's at peace, she had struggled but I didn't realise quite how much she had be suffering. She hid a lot of things from me, she was secretly drinking and doing cocaine behind my back and every time I was in the office and some times that I was home. I know why she hid these things out of shame and guilt - and she would have been worried my reaction if I found out which does help to explain a little better but also makes me feel a certain way.

I would have done anything to help her but I do now understand you can't save everyone, I just thought our love was the thing that would conquer all. I know I couldn't have done more but part of me blames myself that I didn't notice or do more at the time, and I do know I can't blame myself but I do and that's hard to reconcile in my mind.

We were devoted to each other, yes she had her issues and I had mine, I had worked hard on mine to be a better man for her and I wish she had done the same. She always had this in her, she had attempted before and I know would have thought it through in her head but I had always been enough for her until I wasn't.

I was a good guy and I was a great husband (she was equal to me at this) but honestly I have nothing left to offer anyone, on top of being heartbroken and knowing I could never love another as much as her, it would be unfair to anyone else who loved me who could never compare to her. I know I can never trust anyone again either, the person I was 4 weeks ago this second is gone forever.

I know it's so raw right now and my emotions can flip instantly but I just can't see a future without her in that I want to be a part of. I really have lost all hope and I guess in way that has helped me understand how she must have felt in that moment a lot better but also to have a much greater understanding of what a lot of other people go through on a daily basis and relate to posts I've read on here and just how shit life can be/is.

I really want to thank everyone for their kind words and support - just screaming into the void right now is what I need

One more question to ask: why would she want to die when you completed each other and loved each other like you say you did?

Did she have such big issues?

 

[tiger b]

Dude...seriously...

 

[venin.n]

I;'ve read a fair few of your posts and comments, you seem like you have a good soul mate I am sorry you're life is fucked up too

Thank you for your empathy and validation. I mostly have. Yes. My life has been a series of pits and voids and torment. I've had truly excelent moments and life at some point but now I'm just tired and there's no reasonable way out, so… I'm so sorry she left. I really am it's heartbreaking to read such great things about 2 people and then hear the sad news…

Fucking world man

 

[piddincir]

One more question to ask: why would she want to die when you completed each other and loved each other like you say you did?

Did she have such big issues?

mate there are many reasons, if you look up most common factors of suicide she ticked all the boxes.

She had a fucked up childhood, a mother who is at the very least BPD of not a total sociopath, she never said she I love you to her kids until they were adults, she had tried to take her own life when she was 12, and this would have been like 1998 so really pre internet which is fucked up, her mother was more worried about what others would think had she actually gone through with it rather than trying to help her daughter, she also didn't want to send her to therapy because of the stigma around it, god the 90s was really fucked up when I think back.

This really instilled in her a lack of any sense of self worth, she became very shy around the time she went to high school, would use alchol and drugs as a crutch in social sitiution - something she never really got over. She had some pretty fucked up things happen to her in her teen years, was raped a couple of times. She had attempted suicide a few other times in those years. She suffered from bouts of depression (and I mean understandably) but they would come in waves and be very deep.

When we met we fell in love with each other so quickly and instantly - its really weird to think how quick it was, she was with a partner of 9 years but we met at a house party on Saturday and the following Saturday she had left him and moved in with me and we never looked back. She only had one depressive episode with me and was on the whole better

She was terrible with money and credit, she went bankrupt in 2019, she had lost a few jobs, she struggled in the professional environment with the use of Xanax and modafinil and lost her last job in April for drinking on the job. She had always used these things as a crutch.

She struggled with unemployment though as well this year, keeping herself busy and active whilst constantly applying for jobs and getting rejections, it is a touch market to be unemployed in.

She had a massive fight with her family too this year and her sister said some very very cruel things to her and they hadn't patched things up.

I found out from her phone that on the days I was in the office (and some I was home) she was ordering bottles of vodka to the house along with cocaine. to be totally honest I used to get her these precription drugs on the DW but I had cut her off as she wasn't working and a good time to stop or so I thought but she would just substitute those with booze and coke I've not learned.

I had caught her drunk a few times, I bought breathalysers and one time she said she hadn't but it came back very positive. I won't lie I was angry with her at being lied too but had sat down with her and said lets work through this together, she was very good at hiding things but at the same time I know she would have held the guilt and shame of lying to me and that definitely played a part. She had isolated herself from her friends, I guess to an extent we both had as we spent all our time together and we loved that, the difference being I used to keep in touch with all my mates even though hadn't seen them in years, she was terrible at keeping in contact with anyone but then would take it personally.

Her company had given her a good pay out as she had worked with them for years but she had pissed that away (again behind my back) run out of money, she had gotten herself into debt again to the tune of £4k (honestly who gives these people credit), I told her that I would pay for us, I am lucky enough to be in a position to do so, she told me she felt like a burden and I would be better off without her, I categorically told her that was not the case we are married and what was mine was hers. She ordered a bottle of vodka the day she died but everything else was totally normal. I really don't think she planned it I think she was having a mental health emergency that day but no one was there for her, she would have thought about me I am sure but convinced herself that I would have been better off without her

She suffered from ideation a lot, she had promised that she couldn't do it because of me and I know it's not a promise she could keep and I do understand why and accept it now to an extent.

sorry this is a really long rant but tbh it's been quite helpful to put all this down in words.

She was a deeply troubled individual and looking back on this whilst it came out of the blue it is not totally shocking, she always had this in her I just thought my love was enough, and you know what it was, one of her oldest friends told me that I had kept her alive longer because of the love she bore for me and for that at least I am grateful to keep such a wonderful woman in this world, she really was loved by everyone but she didn't ever believe it

Sadly I don't think she was longed for this world and I never fully saw her pain to the extent and I know why she hid it from me to not hurt me and I get that. I see this pain in so many other post on here and it breaks my heart what people have gone through in their lives and part of me feels a little hypocritical ranting like this as I've had it so good in life - really all I wanted was love and I had the perfect one - this doesn't take away from this and I would not trade and once of pain I am feeling now for the experiences and time we had together

 

[tiredcat]

i cannot even begin to imagine the hurt you feel in your heart. losing your one and only must be a horrible feeling. reach out to friends and family, be around them more. this is not something you should try to deal with alone.

im so sorry for your loss and i wish you find peace. sending much love <3

 

[piddincir]

Thank you for your empathy and validation. I mostly have. Yes. My life has been a series of pits and voids and torment. I've had truly excelent moments and life at some point but now I'm just tired and there's no reasonable way out, so… I'm so sorry she left. I really am it's heartbreaking to read such great things about 2 people and then hear the sad news…

Fucking world man

I hear that mate, just from your posts you can tell that you care, and a genuine care, your situation sounds a lot like my wife's, a lot of ups an downs. I had never really felt life's cruel sting until this, but I've got from 0-100 in the 10 seconds I got home that day. So many good people are fucked up by others and by life and it's a tragedy.

 

[venin.n]

mate there are many reasons, if you look up most common factors of suicide she ticked all the boxes.

She had a fucked up childhood, a mother who is at the very least BPD of not a total sociopath, she never said she I love you to her kids until they were adults, she had tried to take her own life when she was 12, and this would have been like 1998 so really pre internet which is fucked up, her mother was more worried about what others would think had she actually gone through with it rather than trying to help her daughter, she also didn't want to send her to therapy because of the stigma around it, god the 90s was really fucked up when I think back.

This really instilled in her a lack of any sense of self worth, she became very shy around the time she went to high school, would use alchol and drugs as a crutch in social sitiution - something she never really got over. She had some pretty fucked up things happen to her in her teen years, was raped a couple of times. She had attempted suicide a few other times in those years. She suffered from bouts of depression (and I mean understandably) but they would come in waves and be very deep.

When we met we fell in love with each other so quickly and instantly - its really weird to think how quick it was, she was with a partner of 9 years but we met at a house party on Saturday and the following Saturday she had left him and moved in with me and we never looked back. She only had one depressive episode with me and was on the whole better

She was terrible with money and credit, she went bankrupt in 2019, she had lost a few jobs, she struggled in the professional environment with the use of Xanax and modafinil and lost her last job in April for drinking on the job. She had always used these things as a crutch.

She struggled with unemployment though as well this year, keeping herself busy and active whilst constantly applying for jobs and getting rejections, it is a touch market to be unemployed in.

She had a massive fight with her family too this year and her sister said some very very cruel things to her and they hadn't patched things up.

I found out from her phone that on the days I was in the office (and some I was home) she was ordering bottles of vodka to the house along with cocaine. to be totally honest I used to get her these precription drugs on the DW but I had cut her off as she wasn't working and a good time to stop or so I thought but she would just substitute those with booze and coke I've not learned.

I had caught her drunk a few times, I bought breathalysers and one time she said she hadn't but it came back very positive. I won't lie I was angry with her at being lied too but had sat down with her and said lets work through this together, she was very good at hiding things but at the same time I know she would have held the guilt and shame of lying to me and that definitely played a part. She had isolated herself from her friends, I guess to an extent we both had as we spent all our time together and we loved that, the difference being I used to keep in touch with all my mates even though hadn't seen them in years, she was terrible at keeping in contact with anyone but then would take it personally.

Her company had given her a good pay out as she had worked with them for years but she had pissed that away (again behind my back) run out of money, she had gotten herself into debt again to the tune of £4k (honestly who gives these people credit), I told her that I would pay for us, I am lucky enough to be in a position to do so, she told me she felt like a burden and I would be better off without her, I categorically told her that was not the case we are married and what was mine was hers. She ordered a bottle of vodka the day she died but everything else was totally normal. I really don't think she planned it I think she was having a mental health emergency that day but no one was there for her, she would have thought about me I am sure but convinced herself that I would have been better off without her

She suffered from ideation a lot, she had promised that she couldn't do it because of me and I know it's not a promise she could keep and I do understand why and accept it now to an extent.

sorry this is a really long rant but tbh it's been quite helpful to put all this down in words.

She was a deeply troubled individual and looking back on this whilst it came out of the blue it is not totally shocking, she always had this in her I just thought my love was enough, and you know what it was, one of her oldest friends told me that I had kept her alive longer because of the love she bore for me and for that at least I am grateful to keep such a wonderful woman in this world, she really was loved by everyone but she didn't ever believe it

Sadly I don't think she was longed for this world and I never fully saw her pain to the extent and I know why she hid it from me to not hurt me and I get that. I see this pain in so many other post on here and it breaks my heart what people have gone through in their lives and part of me feels a little hypocritical ranting like this as I've had it so good in life - really all I wanted was love and I had the perfect one - this doesn't take away from this and I would not trade and once of pain I am feeling now for the experiences and time we had together

It's a pity those issues got to her…

But lucky you to have been with this awesome human being and congrats on keeping her alive as much as you did.

Words are futile regarding the situation

I hear that mate, just from your posts you can tell that you care, and a genuine care, your situation sounds a lot like my wife's, a lot of ups an downs. I had never really felt life's cruel sting until this, but I've got from 0-100 in the 10 seconds I got home that day. So many good people are fucked up by others and by life and it's a tragedy.

It truly is. Yup, I know suffering and torment…