Story Eulogy to my wife, soulmate, best friend and my future

[piddincir]

I recently shared the story on here how I lost my wife 4 weeks ago to suicide and was truly moved by the amount of love and support I got back. I am really touched by how my story touched so many people, its beautifully tragic and I shared a lot of the why and how on that thread but I wanted to complete the story (for anyone who gives a shit) and share the what and the context of our love and relationship. Our love was magical and I know it couldn't save her in the end but it kept her alive longer and gave her the best years of her life - it's also the reason I am so broken beyond repair. This is really my soul on this page and writing this broke what was left of me. So here is my eulogy to my amazing wife and to my future. I just wanted to share her story so she could be heard as she is no longer here to tell it. I love you always and forever .

Lizzie's eulogy

God this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do but its a testament to her character and how my amazing wife had such a profound impact on so many people , anyone who was lucky enough to have met this amazing soul.

My lizzie, where do I begin. I love you so much, more that life itself and life without you in it is one that I can't bear. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I know you felt the same. You were just the best human on the planet in so many was, you were so kind and caring, you were so generous with everything, you brightened up every day I was blessed to spend with you. You were so fun to be around even on those normal evening just watching TV we would joke and laugh. You were so patient and thoughtful, I have never known anyone as genuinely kind hearted and affectionate as you. You were my person and what a privilege that was and what a lucky man I was for having you in my life.

Writing this reminds me of the opening scene of the notebook (a movie we always loved and I can unashamedly admit) which you know always made me tear up and it really sums up my life perfectly

I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough

And your love really was enough for me and the only thing I ever wanted to find in life and I am so grateful for you for reciprocating that love in ever way.

Our love really was a miracle, we loved each other so so much, more than than that, we completed each others souls, before I met you (and now) everyone used to joke that I didn't do normal and in this respect that is beyond true - as I always told you, you were the love of 1000 lifetimes and a life without you has been the hardest thing I have ever endured. Our love really was the standard that all who knew or met us wanted and strive for - it's the pinnacle of what two humans can achieve in life.

we fell in love so quickly and so completely. Yes, you were beyond beautiful but it was your soul, your mind, your heart that I fell in love with. I remember you telling me how flattered you were that someone like me could like you, which I thought strange as I couldn't believe someone like you would feel the same about me.

Thinking back to that first week and just how wonderfully weird it was, we went from strangers to soulmates, from friends to flatmates in a week, and we never looked back. I barely knew anything about you, nor you me, but I KNEW you and you KNEW me, sure we didn't know each others pasts or journeys quite yet but we knew what the other was thinking just by looking into each others eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul and that Couldn't be more true of us. We told each other we loved the other after 3 days but I know we both felt it earlier than this but were scared to say it because it was crazy, and didn't want to say it in fear the other didn't feel the same though we both knew we did. It's as close to love at first sight you can get and true love at first sight can't exist in my eyes.

We were just happy from day one just being in others company 24/7 - we used to joke there were not enough hours in the day we could spend together and how we would equate our relationship to dog years, as in the first 3 months we had spent more time together than most couples did in their first year - this never changed but also what makes it so hard to be without you now.

We were soul bonded that first week but then the rest came, just everything we learned about each other was just perfect. We would sit nattering about what we liked , it became our catch phrase, when one was like oh I like that and the other would be like 'same… same, same', I remember we said that so much you asked me for a for a synonym as we said 'same' literally all the time - so then we started saying ditto. We never had one awkward silence in ALL our time together, not that you could shut either one of us up back then.

We literally couldn't have been more compatible in every way, we loved the same music, we listened to all the same music growing up as all the same times, to having the same taste in movies and tv to loving a drum and bass rave or a bit of filthy techno, to wanting all the same things in life to just being so comfortable around each other

That first year was just incredible. I remember on a whim (which was very you) a month into our relationship you booked us a 5 night trip to Florida to where you had spent your childhood Christmas's which was a very special place to you, for my birthday present you hired me a Ford Mustang, which was just awesome, and just remember we spent more time driving around chatting than on the beach.

I remember being so touched by that and wanted to something equally special for your birthday (and I guess that's very me) and wanted to take you away. You had traveled more extensively than me so wanted to take you somewhere and a continent you hadn't been to before and I remember when we were in the airport on the way home from Florida, I got a very large pay check and the next day (again also very me) booked us flights to Rio as I discovered carnival was over your birthday. I had hoped to keep this a secret so naturally told you the next day.

One of my favourite memories of all our time was on that trip, this was before carnival had started, we were out having dinner when on our way home we heard all these amazing disco classics pumping out from somewhere, we followed the music and found this block party and just danced away, the heavens opening and I had this hat that I bought from some guy on the beach that morning and I remember just taking it off and putting on your head to keep your hair dry - it was just instinct , then you kissed me and we just had this passionate embrace in the pouring rain, my heart breaks writing this, and you were just so appreciative of something so small but we danced for hours in the rain.

One of your favourite memories of me was certainly that trip too and it's something you laughed about to this day. I had booked us to go hang gliding for your actual birthday, I had booked this part and kept it a secret to we were out there (which for me was really hard as I couldn't ever keep any surprise secret). What I hadn't realised was you were afraid of heights but you wanted to go give it a go, you really were a brave soul. I remember driving up the mountain thinking shit this is high, liz could see that in me. Long story short we were stuck up there a while due to the wind conditions, liz when first, basically you have to run and jump off a cliff. So I had gotten them to film this and when we got back and watched them, Liz was fine joking after take off laughing she was afraid of heights. When we watched my video back we thought it had frozen or the file was corrupted as I was rooted to the spot not moving a muscle, not blinking, but she noticed a flag waving in the background and laughed so hard about how terrified I was about this.

We grew so much together to as we built a life together that was our own, discovered new things and just evolved together. Nothing sums this up more than our first camping trip where we just booked a flight to Scotland again on a whim, ordered a load of campaign gear to Inverness rented a car and just escaped into the wild. That sense of freedom, connection with nature and being alone just me and you away from the world was just incredible. I remember the first night we spent camping on the very north coast of Scotland on the 22nd June 2016, longest day of the year, where it didn't really get dark until midnight (then light around 3.30am) we just sat up drinking whisky chatting and just loving every second of it (there were no midges or rain that night which probably helped) but I remember you waking in the night freezing as you had ordered a £5 sleeping bag, I had my own at that point and without question I stripped out and gave it to you. I remember waking and finding a two Highland cows and a calf outside out tent and it was simply magical.

That whole trip really was a game changer for us and really became our passion and hobby, we used to pack up a rucksack on a Friday night, get the train down to the south down and just hike and camp. We just loved the freedom of it we loved being out in nature and the two of us being miles from anyone - sat under the stars.

It's hard to pick a favourite camping memory, there were countless but if I had to pick one it would have to be when we first went to Wales, we had packed up the car and driven on a Friday in mid august, arrived so late - around mid night we were both pretty stressed as had been an awful journey, we had set up our tent in the dark and then sat up to decompress have a night cap before going to bed, well we hadn't realised the night we arrived coincided with a meteor shower that occurs every year. The night was so clear, we had never seen a night sky like this before in all our trips and we have been to some really remote places and seen some amazing skies, when all of a sudden the sky lit up with this magnificent shooting star (far from the best one either we saw that night), Liz had joked with me to make a wish and I replied it's already come true and kissed, I always told you the birthday before I met you when I blew out the candles I had wished to find true love that year and I did - you were my wish and dreams come true, anyway the rest of that night we lost count how many we saw and sat up all night laughing and cheering (as if England scored a goal in a World Cup final) at each one. We stayed up all night and it's one of my favourite nights of my entire life and I know you felt the same.

It's why we moved down to Hove during the pandemic and out to Saltdean this year. Even to the end and our last weekend together we did out favourite walk to our favourite country pub. We loved the outdoors, a good country pub and a pint of local ale.

There are too many memories to share in such a short time, a lifetimes worth of memories really in our 9.5 years alone, but one final one I will share is from our honeymoon to the Greek Islands, which was just an amazing trip in general. We had finally ventured out of the hotel one Friday night to try the local taverna, the bar staff had got me up and some others up to do some Greek dancing , me being me loved this and liz had a good giggle filming it, anyways me being me I ordered waaaay to much food and we were stuffed and walking home. When again we heard this loud music playing and followed it to this local bar, they were playing all our favourite songs and again we danced and drank in the early hours in each others arms doing shots with the bar owner, this might be my favourite night together, there was so much love and fun and really was who were were together, we had such fun together.

What I loved most and miss more than I can bear are all the little things like, her laugh, hearing her call me Robber, holding her hand, have a snuggle on the couch watching tv, kissing her goodnight and waking up next to her kissing her back every day. I never took any of these for granted but I guess to an extent I did as you really don't know what you have until its gone and I thought we had a lifetime and it breaks my heart we won't grow old together.

Lizzie, I know you had your struggles and tough times in life, some of these with me and I wish with all my heart I could have saved you, I really tried to love you the best I could and my mission in life was to make you happy and loved and I know I did and I know how deeply you felt this. I thought for a long time that our love wasn't enough but have come to accept that it was, it really was, and I know how happy and loved I made you feel, you always had this in you and I understand it better now. I know I was the only thing that made you happy in the end and I know you had probably stayed longer on this earth because of me and the love you had for me.

We gave each other the best years of our life and to you, my darling wife, I am eternally grateful for that and to be loved by you in the way that I was - and I am glad that I lovedu you and brought you happiness to the end. You made me a better man and I am sorry this all got too much for you in the end. I would have died for you and in a way I did as part of me died that night as there can never truly be a me without you, you were the ying to my yang

We were obsessed with each other and that is something that never really changed. People speak of the honeymoon period of a relationship but ours never ended, well until you departed. But just because you are gone, you will live on, I am your legacy and you will always be in my memory, in my actions and in my heart - which will always be yours forever and eternity.

Only life without you in it was too much for me to bear, you were my world and a world without you in it was not one I could live in. We were as close as two humans can be, you complete(d) me (and that's a private joke about Jerry Maguire I know you would laugh at) and always will.

You were my forever person and all I wanted was to grow up with you and share a lifetime of memories but my love we grew as old as we did and in a way we grow as old as we ever could. I can look back on a lifetime of love and happiness with you and smile at the end of my life too because of knowing you and the honour of your love. Regardless of how this ended I know I am a lucky man for having this, what we shared was so rare I know how lucky we truly were to have this, our love was unique and I hope this helps others understand why I am not here to read this today.

I am not going to lie, I was broken at the end and in too much pain that I could take, my soul has been ripped from within - I guess it is true that you can die from a broken heart, remember how we used to joke and cry together, when one of us went the other would die broken heart, well my love we were right. I would have loved to die happy, old and in your arms together but it was not to be. We may have only got 9.5 years together but what a life we lived in that time.

Remembering all this and all the memories has made me cry, laugh and smile but given me peace knowing that the pain will be over soon. This is how I understand what you must have gone through at the end and in a weird way helped me understand your struggles in a way I never could before. I was always there when you were down for a hug, a shoulder to cry or just some love and you were ALWAYS ALWAYS there for me no matter what, but without you I can't face this life alone, without your love and support.

I know it got to much for you and I couldn't save you, I tried and I know you know how much and I know I got you through a lot of tough times and I know you stayed as long as you could for me , I wish I could have taken your pain from you, I know I could have taken it, I know what I lived through at the end was your worst nightmare and it was too much for me - you gave me the strength to go on and all the love in the world can't come close to replacing yours and never will.

Remember when we first met and I used to write you love poems, I wrote you one that first week subliminally confessing my love for you but how I didn't think you would love be back and I remember how touched you were by that and how you told me you felt the same and loved me back. You used to love it when I would send you one, and when writing this again you inspired me, my muse, these words spilled into my mind and just as our relationship was born in part to that poem, here it shall end.

My Final Poem

What might have been will never be,
But you were always it for me,
I feel it now that you are gone
No one left to keep me strong

I miss you than I can say
From the moment you took your life that day
A life without you I cannot bare
And it's more than I would even dare

I wish I could have stole your pain
For I knew I could take the strain
An relieved you of your daily strife
I tried so hard to save your life

But now I know I cannot live
I have no life or love to give
For what we share was just too great
my best friend my true soulmate

For all the wealth or love or bliss
I'd trade it all for one last kiss
Alas, for us no Time Machine
Left with just this dreamless dream

I cannot live this life alone
For you were my forever home
And all the moments that were shared
I know to us we always cared

I wish that I could say goodbye
For each night I cry and cry
Longing for your embrace
To see that smile upon your face

I tried so hard and yet I failed
But join you now amongst the clouds
My wife to me you'll be
Eternally rob bear and Lizzie

There can't be a Rob Bear without his Lizzie, so thank you such much my amazing wife for a wonderful life and for loving me.



(If you care to read the how and why https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...ted-to-vent-as-i-dont-know-what-to-do.140009/)

 

[stillvoices]

What a lucky woman to be loved so completely.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

 

[piddincir]

she w

What a lucky woman to be loved so completely

What a lucky woman to be loved so completely.

She was and she knew it but more I was the luckiest man alive to be loved so completely but such an amazing and gentle soul. Life and her demons just got too much for her in the end may she rest in peace now

 

[stillvoices]

I'm honored to know that there is love like this out there. Even if I don't get it in this lifetime I can die knowing that someone shared it.

 

[piddincir]

I'm honored to know that there is love like this out there. Even if I don't get it in this lifetime I can die knowing that someone shared it.

That's so Nice to hear, it is out there, it's incredibly rare and wonderful. I am broken beyond repair but I wouldn't trade any of the pain I am in now for the best 9.5 years of my life. If I could go back in time I wouldn't change a thing (other than being at home that day)

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

This is a touching tribute to you dearly beloved wife. I'm sorry things could not have been different for you mate.

 

[Some place nice]

Y'all were lucky to have each other and that time tougher. I wish I had a time machine for you. This is truly touching.

 

[piddincir]

This is a touching tribute to you dearly beloved wife. I'm sorry things could not have been different for you mate.

Thank you mate, I wish had worked out differently but they didn't and I accept that. Ive been lucky enough to have something so precious that I just wanted to share our full story, it's beautiful and tragic but it was all worth it

Y'all were lucky to have each other and that time tougher. I wish I had a time machine for you. This is truly touching.

We were and we both knew how lucky we were, I just really wanted to share that, she had her struggles but she never loved me any less for them nor I her. She will always be in my heart as long as it's beating.

 

[Glandular]

That is a beautiful text and nothing I could write would do it justice. I have tears in my eyes thinking about how this relationship could end so tragically. I wish you all the strength in the world to somehow deal with this.
I will eventually leave (I have a progressive physical illness) my beloved gf behind and I'll try everything to lessen her pain.

 

[absolutelyyou]

Thank you so much for sharing this. It's beautiful, as it seems she was inside and out- even with the demons she was fighting. I will light a candle tonight on my altar and take a moment to pay respect to her and her life. I wish she had been able to fully see just how beloved and incredible she was to the people around her, she seems like such a lovely person and I'm sure it was an honor and great joy to know her and her heart. I truly hope you are able to, with time, find a way beyond this darkness (because as you've expressed before- she'd not want you to end your own life over hers)- but as someone in a marriage where I would also say our souls bonded practically immediately.... I more than understand feeling like there would be no point to go on without that part of you on earth and I'm glad you've found this place to be able to express those feelings without judgment. Again I say thank you for sharing her with us, your writing made me smile and cry and I appreciate such an intimate glimpse into the life of wonderful human you've been able to share so much of your life with.

 

[piddincir]

That is a beautiful text and nothing I could write would do it justice. I have tears in my eyes thinking about how this relationship could end so tragically. I wish you all the strength in the world to somehow deal with this.
I will eventually leave (I have a progressive physical illness) my beloved gf behind and I'll try everything to lessen her pain.

Thank you and sorry to hear about your illness I know that must be tough on you both.

I would say if you try and lessen the pain for your GF, just dont push them away, let them love you, even if it ends badly for you, there is no easy way to be left behind for a love one, but I can imagine if you push someone in the end they will always be left wondering what more they could have done to love and support you to the end. Its going to be hard on her regardless but if she truly loves you she will want to love you to the end.

I did this to my wife, I have wonderful memories of our last weekend and days together and I loved her with everything I had until the end and for that at least I am grateful.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It's beautiful, as it seems she was inside and out- even with the demons she was fighting. I will light a candle tonight on my altar and take a moment to pay respect to her and her life. I wish she had been able to fully see just how beloved and incredible she was to the people around her, she seems like such a lovely person and I'm sure it was an honor and great joy to know her and her heart. I truly hope you are able to, with time, find a way beyond this darkness (because as you've expressed before- she'd not want you to end your own life over hers)- but as someone in a marriage where I would also say our souls bonded practically immediately.... I more than understand feeling like there would be no point to go on without that part of you on earth and I'm glad you've found this place to be able to express those feelings without judgment. Again I say thank you for sharing her with us, your writing made me smile and cry and I appreciate such an intimate glimpse into the life of wonderful human you've been able to share so much of your life with.

Thank you and that is very kind, she loved candles so I know would love that and I am really touched by your kind words.

She really was an amazing person and was really well liked, beautiful and super smart. sadly she couldn't see that in herself and could only really feel like that person when relying on drugs and alcohol, but she was always that person and there were times she realised that. She isolated herself from her friends and I know that in the end she felt like no one else cared about her but me which is sad - she was terrible in keeping in contact and just happy to be with me all the time and I with her.

Inside out is a good way of looking at it - it really was a perfect storm of events this year that lead to this choice from her, but on reflection life is long and hard and I know in her heart she had given up and despite all the joy and love we shared, sadly she wasn't longed for this world.

I really just wanted to share her story, maybe it will resonate with some people, maybe it's just nice to read but she's no longer hear to tell it and I am her legacy so I just wanted to let the world know how much she was loved and how much she is missed.

I wish she would have found this forum I think it could have helped her connect with people and share her struggles - I think it would have helped her feel less isolated and vent to people in a non judgmental way.

 

[lachrymost]

Love like this is indeed hard to find. I'm glad you got to make so many eventful and happy memories and shared them with us.

 

[piddincir]

Love like this is indeed hard to find. I'm glad you got to make so many eventful and happy memories and shared them with us.

You're welcome and I do feel truly blessed to have experienced this in my life, it's a rarity that few get to experience and I am truly privileged.

I had shared the other side of the story, the tragedy and was overwhelmed by the response so really wanted to complete the story and just share what an amazing human my wife was and how she struggled but also how she was loved and had such an impact on the world she didn't realise, she mattered and I will alway love her.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It's beautiful, as it seems she was inside and out- even with the demons she was fighting. I will light a candle tonight on my altar and take a moment to pay respect to her and her life. I wish she had been able to fully see just how beloved and incredible she was to the people around her, she seems like such a lovely person and I'm sure it was an honor and great joy to know her and her heart. I truly hope you are able to, with time, find a way beyond this darkness (because as you've expressed before- she'd not want you to end your own life over hers)- but as someone in a marriage where I would also say our souls bonded practically immediately.... I more than understand feeling like there would be no point to go on without that part of you on earth and I'm glad you've found this place to be able to express those feelings without judgment. Again I say thank you for sharing her with us, your writing made me smile and cry and I appreciate such an intimate glimpse into the life of wonderful human you've been able to share so much of your life with.

I've been thinking a lot about your comment and that inside out analogy, it's actually very insightful and you have really helped with some rationality here.

I read a lot of posts about people on here who really want to depart but can't, or fail, or have SI kick in and I can only imagine how hard this is for them. There is a lot of pain and suffering on here and it's sad to see so many lovely, kind and caring people suffering because they've been dealt a rough hand in life but can't fund the peace they need.

This was true of my wife surely as well, but I know she wanted to live, seems strange to say that now she's dead but I know it's true. She was impulsive and had always suffered with ideation but I do know deep down she would have wanted to live. She always had a darkness inside her and im sure some can empathise with that and how thoughts of suicide can spiral in a moment, which I know is what happened and I knew was always in her. She was having a bad year yes but I know how happy she was with me and could see a future beyond the struggles, we were planning our ski holiday in December just the day before and we had loads of plans she was genuinely looking forward to. She had a lot that I've read others on here dont and she knew how lucky she was in some ways.

Her survival instinct was just very low, she sat with a bag on her head for an hour it looks like without sleeping pills, I mean it's a fucking hardcore way to go.

it's really just a sad situation in so many ways as I know had things gone differently this year she would still be here, yes this could of happened in the future 1000%, life is long and hard but she was fighting to stay alive and as strange as it sounds had hope even that last day.

It was just the perfect storm of life events, her condition, impulsivity and balls of steel that took her that day.

So inside out really fits this and I know I couldn't have done more to save her, nothing could save her ultimately. it doesn't make it easier to bear but it makes it easier to understand

 

[Againstthewind]

My friend, I read this in full, god damn brought me to tears. I know the hole that is left in your life is something you wish you could plug in, and acceptance is a long road that never seems to have an ending. But I commend you not just on your attitude to your relationship, but just by showing as a fellow man that you can love and give and be selfless in love. I felt like I went on a journey of your time with Lizzie, and it seemed to so magical, so wonderful. I am so sorry that this happened to you and I am so sorry Lizzie had a proverbial wolf that was taunting her. You were both lucky in finding each other. This fate ended up being so cruel. Fucking life.

I think your story will stay with me in the impact of love and what it means to fully understand your person. There isnt anything anyone can say to make you feel better, you and I and everyone else knows that.

And I have been there. The road will be long and difficult and hard and you will cry and get angry and rage and repeat, but thats apart of our body trying to understand and deal with this unknown, you may not be the person you once were, you will be different, but through time you will get to a point to be able to at least be present for yourself and remember her with fondness. We dont get to a point of repairing ourselves to being 'whole' we just end up becoming a badly but together ornament with the cracks and the glue trying to put it together, showing. But thats the best we can do.

It isn't a clear road either, it may not scar you as much in the future, but things, words, feelings, music, can cruelly bring you right back into that hole again, but people tell you to (oh think positive blah blah blah) let yourself feel it, you may not want to, and it will be horrible, but thats how we heal in a way, and it took me a long time to understand that. Let it come and let it go.

One thing I do wanna tell you. You did not fail. You cannot blame yourself for someone else's actions (as much as we will) Lizzie isn't selfish either, but our brains can be cruel to us and some people do lose that fight. But you are a good man, a top man, and I genuinely wish you all the comfort and content from your journey and healing, that comes to you in the future.

Letting go is the goal we try to reach and it is the hardest dang thing we can experience, and I not saying it is easy, but man, I hope you get there one day, and I hope you get to reunite with Lizzie some time in the future.

 

[ChiseHatori]

This is incredibly heart wrenching... and making me reconsider some things.

May she rest in peace my friend. I hope you have as peaceful of an evening as you possibly can.

 

[piddincir]

My friend, I read this in full, god damn brought me to tears. I know the hole that is left in your life is something you wish you could plug in, and acceptance is a long road that never seems to have an ending. But I commend you not just on your attitude to your relationship, but just by showing as a fellow man that you can love and give and be selfless in love. I felt like I went on a journey of your time with Lizzie, and it seemed to so magical, so wonderful. I am so sorry that this happened to you and I am so sorry Lizzie had a proverbial wolf that was taunting her. You were both lucky in finding each other. This fate ended up being so cruel. Fucking life.

I think your story will stay with me in the impact of love and what it means to fully understand your person. There isnt anything anyone can say to make you feel better, you and I and everyone else knows that.

And I have been there. The road will be long and difficult and hard and you will cry and get angry and rage and repeat, but thats apart of our body trying to understand and deal with this unknown, you may not be the person you once were, you will be different, but through time you will get to a point to be able to at least be present for yourself and remember her with fondness. We dont get to a point of repairing ourselves to being 'whole' we just end up becoming a badly but together ornament with the cracks and the glue trying to put it together, showing. But thats the best we can do.

It isn't a clear road either, it may not scar you as much in the future, but things, words, feelings, music, can cruelly bring you right back into that hole again, but people tell you to (oh think positive blah blah blah) let yourself feel it, you may not want to, and it will be horrible, but thats how we heal in a way, and it took me a long time to understand that. Let it come and let it go.

One thing I do wanna tell you. You did not fail. You cannot blame yourself for someone else's actions (as much as we will) Lizzie isn't selfish either, but our brains can be cruel to us and some people do lose that fight. But you are a good man, a top man, and I genuinely wish you all the comfort and content from your journey and healing, that comes to you in the future.

Letting go is the goal we try to reach and it is the hardest dang thing we can experience, and I not saying it is easy, but man, I hope you get there one day, and I hope you get to reunite with Lizzie some time in the future.

Thank you my friend, this is just so beautifully and articulately put and I am genuinely really touched by the reaction to this by everyone. Yes it's a sad story but there was so much happiness and love along to the way, grief is the price we pay for love sadly but it's a price I would gladly pay again and again.

There is a lot of wisdom in all you say. I've cycled through all those emotions frequently, I've left anger behind - I just could never hate her anyway, I will always hate she's gone but I dont direct that hate at her through blame, blaming her would mean I never truly knew her and I did, had I hoped she wouldn't, of course. I I played the what if... in that first week but again it serves no purpose, this has happened and this is my life. I've alway has a high EQ and able to process things quickly and rationally.

I am at the stage of acceptance, its the most difficult stage and the is more pain with each day, but I am letting it in, like you said. It's fucking awful it really is worse than I can describe, it's having my what is left of my soul and heart ripped from within, but the harder you love the harder you fall and the pain I am feeling is really love. Love for her, love for our loss and love for each memory and the time we had, that rips me open.

I really do know I didn't fail her, she had written me a note in April, and writing the note she talked herself out of it for what it could do to me. Things spiralled at the end and a lot of it was out of my control and I accept that and understand why. We had the most amazing summer together, she was unemployed and I WFH so we spent a lot of time together really enjoying life, I am grateful for that and those memories that really are priceless. Her brain was amazing, it had the biggest capacity for love and feeling of anyone Im ever likely to meet, but it was a blessing and a curse, she felt too much and took things too personally.

I find modesty hard, but I know I am a good person, but it's not to say that good person is dead, but my heart and soul are, I will show kindest to everyone, more now as a way to honour her as she was so kind to everyone she me. it's hard to see a road back to any semblance of the person I was before but I get glimpses which gives me hope and I know whatever person emerges, if they do emerge, then they will be as you so poetically put it a badly put together ornament (reminds me of a time I tried to glue one of our lamps and glued a piece to my hand, she had a good chuckle at that). I feel there could be strength for this, maybe, but to lose you analogy it's gluing an ornament together but you've lost the most important piece of that ornament, so do you keep it or do you throw it away.

What I struggle with is seeing a life that is worth living. I think of everything future scenario, and sure I probably can't see all the avenues just yet, but a world without her in it is one I am 99% sure I can live it. She was my everything, I was hers, it was so complete. I hitched my wagon to hers so completely that now she's gone over the cliff I am to follow. This love is never something I can let go of. Time will tell, I felt at piece this morning with the thought of going, but reading this comment has changed my mind, not permanently, but you're right I need to feel it all - it will break me but I need to remember it all in every detail and relive our lives one last time, alone but (and I am not that spiritual) she will be there with me through the memories.

I will say that posting on here is the only thing that has resembled peace since this happened and I thank you all for listening and commenting. If anyone wants to talk or feels alone or isloated, im there with you, send me a message, If you want someone to just listen I am here for anyone that needs it, if you need someone to feel you matter then you matter to me - and I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

It's really helped me, my thoughts and my emotions to pen this down and bear my soul to you.

This is incredibly heart wrenching... and making me reconsider some things.

May she rest in peace my friend. I hope you have as peaceful of an evening as you possibly can.

Thank you for your kind words.

I Won't or can't tell anyone what to do, your life is yours to do with as you want.

I know part of my wife's decision was that she thought my life would be better without me, she couldn't have been more wrong, if she saw the affect it had on me I think she would have acted differently, maybe.

more than that, her suicide has had a huge impact on a really large group of people who she touched in her life, that she had coninved herself didn't care about her. She didn't think anyone but me cared about her but if she could see this now she would be amazed.

Everyone is different but this is my perspective, it's affected obviously me and our families, but her school friends, who didn't know how much she was struggling, again she was and at reaching out and if someone didn't respond instantly took it personally, to my work colleagues who knew her well and loved her, to her old work colleagues, our neighbours, even the post man was basically in tears as he said she was always so lovely and chatty with him.

I dont want to generalise but a lot of people think people don't care, any yes that is true and maybe they don't until your dead, maybe its more selfishly about them but it has a wide reaching impact.

I know if I decide to go I know how much of an impact this will have on a large number of people I really love and care about but it wouldn't be enough for me to stay either. So make of that what you will

 

[Againstthewind]

Thank you my friend, this is just so beautifully and articulately put and I am genuinely really touched by the reaction to this by everyone. Yes it's a sad story but there was so much happiness and love along to the way, grief is the price we pay for love sadly but it's a price I would gladly pay again and again.

There is a lot of wisdom in all you say. I've cycled through all those emotions frequently, I've left anger behind - I just could never hate her anyway, I will always hate she's gone but I dont direct that hate at her through blame, blaming her would mean I never truly knew her and I did, had I hoped she wouldn't, of course. I I played the what if... in that first week but again it serves no purpose, this has happened and this is my life. I've alway has a high EQ and able to process things quickly and rationally.

I am at the stage of acceptance, its the most difficult stage and the is more pain with each day, but I am letting it in, like you said. It's fucking awful it really is worse than I can describe, it's having my what is left of my soul and heart ripped from within, but the harder you love the harder you fall and the pain I am feeling is really love. Love for her, love for our loss and love for each memory and the time we had, that rips me open.

I really do know I didn't fail her, she had written me a note in April, and writing the note she talked herself out of it for what it could do to me. Things spiralled at the end and a lot of it was out of my control and I accept that and understand why. We had the most amazing summer together, she was unemployed and I WFH so we spent a lot of time together really enjoying life, I am grateful for that and those memories that really are priceless. Her brain was amazing, it had the biggest capacity for love and feeling of anyone Im ever likely to meet, but it was a blessing and a curse, she felt too much and took things too personally.

I find modesty hard, but I know I am a good person, but it's not to say that good person is dead, but my heart and soul are, I will show kindest to everyone, more now as a way to honour her as she was so kind to everyone she me. it's hard to see a road back to any semblance of the person I was before but I get glimpses which gives me hope and I know whatever person emerges, if they do emerge, then they will be as you so poetically put it a badly put together ornament (reminds me of a time I tried to glue one of our lamps and glued a piece to my hand, she had a good chuckle at that). I feel there could be strength for this, maybe, but to lose you analogy it's gluing an ornament together but you've lost the most important piece of that ornament, so do you keep it or do you throw it away.

What I struggle with is seeing a life that is worth living. I think of everything future scenario, and sure I probably can't see all the avenues just yet, but a world without
her in it is one I am 99% sure I can live it. She was my everything, I was hers, it was so complete. I hitched my wagon to hers so completely that now she's gone over the cliff I am to follow. This love is never something I can let go of. Time will tell, I felt at piece this morning with the thought of going, but reading this comment has changed my mind, not permanently, but you're right I need to feel it all - it will break me but I need to remember it all in every detail and relive our lives one last time, alone but (and I am not that spiritual) she will be there with me through the memories.

I will say that posting on here is the only thing that has resembled peace since this happened and I thank you all for listening and commenting. If anyone wants to talk or feels alone or isloated, im there with you, send me a message, If you want someone to just listen I am here for anyone that needs it, if you need someone to feel you matter then you matter to me - and I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

It's really helped me, my thoughts and my emotions to pen this down and bear my soul to you.

Man, that is incredibly brave of you, I really do hope the best for you, you seem like one of the good ones.
There will be strength, as terrible and heartbreaking and the circle of emotions you will endure. There will be a weird lesson or teachable moment you will have, that makes you live differently, you may be fearless now, not care so much about opinion. But it will toughen you in some way as if even just a small setback in the future occurs, it will not affect you as much as the average person BECAUSE you have gone through worse. I believe the ole saying goes 'what doesnt kill you makes you stronger'.

 

[Glandular]

I would say if you try and lessen the pain for your GF, just dont push them away, let them love you, even if it ends badly for you, there is no easy way to be left behind for a love one, but I can imagine if you push someone in the end they will always be left wondering what more they could have done to love and support you to the end. Its going to be hard on her regardless but if she truly loves you she will want to love you to the end.

Thank you for your advice. I would never push her away, I try to be as loving as I can. Hopefully creating some great memories. While reading your eulogy I realised that this is exactly how I want to be remembered by her.

 

[piddincir]

I

Man, that is incredibly brave of you, I really do hope the best for you, you seem like one of the good ones.
There will be strength, as terrible and heartbreaking and the circle of emotions you will endure. There will be a weird lesson or teachable moment you will have, that makes you live differently, you may be fearless now, not care so much about opinion. But it will toughen you in some way as if even just a small setback in the future occurs, it will not affect you as much as the average person BECAUSE you have gone through worse. I believe the ole saying goes 'what doesnt kill you makes you stronger'.

Thanks man, I am one of the good ones - she was better than I could ever be, there are a lot of good people out there, many on here and if I do live then I will live everyday being the man she knew me and wanted me to be in her honour.

You know what everyone says I am brave and I guess that's true, I have a kind of bravery I didn't think I was capable without her. I was always brave for her and would have done anything to protect her (spiders aside ), She was really the brave one, I remember one time last xmas eve my friend was assaulted and bottled outside a pub for no reason, I had to fight the guy off and got cut with some glass. She saw me bleeding and just ran at this thug and chased up and down the street, me bleeding badly, had to run after her to make sure she was safe - that was her fiercely loyal and protective for those she loved.

You're right and it's the way that I am trying to view what has happened. It is literally the worst thing I could ever imagine, it would bring us to tears the thought of losing the other one day, we always assumed this would be a long time in the future but I am living that nightmare each day. So from that respect the worst thing that could ever happen to me has, so technically everything here after can only go up.

What doesn't kill you does make you stronger certainly , and if I make it through this then I will certainly be stronger, but I am still not sure this won't kill me. I am trying, not for myself, but for her, I know she would want me to go on. I know in that moment she would have thought my life would have been better off without me, it's something that others have commented on here too which I won't say nice to read but reassuring, if I live I will live a life in her memory and honour each say through my actions and kindness.

I am happy that I shared my story, its deeply personal, it's my soul (or was my soul), and I thank you all for listening

Thank you for your advice. I would never push her away, I try to be as loving as I can. Hopefully creating some great memories. While reading your eulogy I realised that this is exactly how I want to be remembered by her.

Thank you for your advice. I would never push her away, I try to be as loving as I can. Hopefully creating some great memories. While reading your eulogy I realised that this is exactly how I want to be remembered by her.

This makes me happy to hear and I wasn't suggesting you would push her away but I know when someone knows they're going, it's common to distance yourself as a way of softening the blow but when your truly love someone, let them love you to the end, if not for you for them.

It think that is a great idea, make some wonderful memories that you both cherish and that she can hold onto when you're gone, she will be your legacy and you will live on in her memory.

Losing your love, is the worst thing imaginable and when you truly love it can never be anything but agonising, but grief is the price we pay for love and the old cliche it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all really is very true - I understand that completely now.

Wishing you strength my friend.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I recently shared the story on here how I lost my wife 4 weeks ago to suicide and was truly moved by the amount of love and support I got back. I am really touched by how my story touched so many people, its beautifully tragic and I shared a lot of the why and how on that thread but I wanted to complete the story (for anyone who gives a shit) and share the what and the context of our love and relationship. Our love was magical and I know it couldn't save her in the end but it kept her alive longer and gave her the best years of her life - it's also the reason I am so broken beyond repair. This is really my soul on this page and writing this broke what was left of me. So here is my eulogy to my amazing wife and to my future. I just wanted to share her story so she could be heard as she is no longer here to tell it. I love you always and forever .

Lizzie's eulogy

God this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do but its a testament to her character and how my amazing wife had such a profound impact on so many people , anyone who was lucky enough to have met this amazing soul.

My lizzie, where do I begin. I love you so much, more that life itself and life without you in it is one that I can't bear. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I know you felt the same. You were just the best human on the planet in so many was, you were so kind and caring, you were so generous with everything, you brightened up every day I was blessed to spend with you. You were so fun to be around even on those normal evening just watching TV we would joke and laugh. You were so patient and thoughtful, I have never known anyone as genuinely kind hearted and affectionate as you. You were my person and what a privilege that was and what a lucky man I was for having you in my life.

Writing this reminds me of the opening scene of the notebook (a movie we always loved and I can unashamedly admit) which you know always made me tear up and it really sums up my life perfectly

I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough

And your love really was enough for me and the only thing I ever wanted to find in life and I am so grateful for you for reciprocating that love in ever way.

Our love really was a miracle, we loved each other so so much, more than than that, we completed each others souls, before I met you (and now) everyone used to joke that I didn't do normal and in this respect that is beyond true - as I always told you, you were the love of 1000 lifetimes and a life without you has been the hardest thing I have ever endured. Our love really was the standard that all who knew or met us wanted and strive for - it's the pinnacle of what two humans can achieve in life.

we fell in love so quickly and so completely. Yes, you were beyond beautiful but it was your soul, your mind, your heart that I fell in love with. I remember you telling me how flattered you were that someone like me could like you, which I thought strange as I couldn't believe someone like you would feel the same about me.

Thinking back to that first week and just how wonderfully weird it was, we went from strangers to soulmates, from friends to flatmates in a week, and we never looked back. I barely knew anything about you, nor you me, but I KNEW you and you KNEW me, sure we didn't know each others pasts or journeys quite yet but we knew what the other was thinking just by looking into each others eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul and that Couldn't be more true of us. We told each other we loved the other after 3 days but I know we both felt it earlier than this but were scared to say it because it was crazy, and didn't want to say it in fear the other didn't feel the same though we both knew we did. It's as close to love at first sight you can get and true love at first sight can't exist in my eyes.

We were just happy from day one just being in others company 24/7 - we used to joke there were not enough hours in the day we could spend together and how we would equate our relationship to dog years, as in the first 3 months we had spent more time together than most couples did in their first year - this never changed but also what makes it so hard to be without you now.

We were soul bonded that first week but then the rest came, just everything we learned about each other was just perfect. We would sit nattering about what we liked , it became our catch phrase, when one was like oh I like that and the other would be like 'same… same, same', I remember we said that so much you asked me for a for a synonym as we said 'same' literally all the time - so then we started saying ditto. We never had one awkward silence in ALL our time together, not that you could shut either one of us up back then.

We literally couldn't have been more compatible in every way, we loved the same music, we listened to all the same music growing up as all the same times, to having the same taste in movies and tv to loving a drum and bass rave or a bit of filthy techno, to wanting all the same things in life to just being so comfortable around each other

That first year was just incredible. I remember on a whim (which was very you) a month into our relationship you booked us a 5 night trip to Florida to where you had spent your childhood Christmas's which was a very special place to you, for my birthday present you hired me a Ford Mustang, which was just awesome, and just remember we spent more time driving around chatting than on the beach.

I remember being so touched by that and wanted to something equally special for your birthday (and I guess that's very me) and wanted to take you away. You had traveled more extensively than me so wanted to take you somewhere and a continent you hadn't been to before and I remember when we were in the airport on the way home from Florida, I got a very large pay check and the next day (again also very me) booked us flights to Rio as I discovered carnival was over your birthday. I had hoped to keep this a secret so naturally told you the next day.

One of my favourite memories of all our time was on that trip, this was before carnival had started, we were out having dinner when on our way home we heard all these amazing disco classics pumping out from somewhere, we followed the music and found this block party and just danced away, the heavens opening and I had this hat that I bought from some guy on the beach that morning and I remember just taking it off and putting on your head to keep your hair dry - it was just instinct , then you kissed me and we just had this passionate embrace in the pouring rain, my heart breaks writing this, and you were just so appreciative of something so small but we danced for hours in the rain.

One of your favourite memories of me was certainly that trip too and it's something you laughed about to this day. I had booked us to go hang gliding for your actual birthday, I had booked this part and kept it a secret to we were out there (which for me was really hard as I couldn't ever keep any surprise secret). What I hadn't realised was you were afraid of heights but you wanted to go give it a go, you really were a brave soul. I remember driving up the mountain thinking shit this is high, liz could see that in me. Long story short we were stuck up there a while due to the wind conditions, liz when first, basically you have to run and jump off a cliff. So I had gotten them to film this and when we got back and watched them, Liz was fine joking after take off laughing she was afraid of heights. When we watched my video back we thought it had frozen or the file was corrupted as I was rooted to the spot not moving a muscle, not blinking, but she noticed a flag waving in the background and laughed so hard about how terrified I was about this.

We grew so much together to as we built a life together that was our own, discovered new things and just evolved together. Nothing sums this up more than our first camping trip where we just booked a flight to Scotland again on a whim, ordered a load of campaign gear to Inverness rented a car and just escaped into the wild. That sense of freedom, connection with nature and being alone just me and you away from the world was just incredible. I remember the first night we spent camping on the very north coast of Scotland on the 22nd June 2016, longest day of the year, where it didn't really get dark until midnight (then light around 3.30am) we just sat up drinking whisky chatting and just loving every second of it (there were no midges or rain that night which probably helped) but I remember you waking in the night freezing as you had ordered a £5 sleeping bag, I had my own at that point and without question I stripped out and gave it to you. I remember waking and finding a two Highland cows and a calf outside out tent and it was simply magical.

That whole trip really was a game changer for us and really became our passion and hobby, we used to pack up a rucksack on a Friday night, get the train down to the south down and just hike and camp. We just loved the freedom of it we loved being out in nature and the two of us being miles from anyone - sat under the stars.

It's hard to pick a favourite camping memory, there were countless but if I had to pick one it would have to be when we first went to Wales, we had packed up the car and driven on a Friday in mid august, arrived so late - around mid night we were both pretty stressed as had been an awful journey, we had set up our tent in the dark and then sat up to decompress have a night cap before going to bed, well we hadn't realised the night we arrived coincided with a meteor shower that occurs every year. The night was so clear, we had never seen a night sky like this before in all our trips and we have been to some really remote places and seen some amazing skies, when all of a sudden the sky lit up with this magnificent shooting star (far from the best one either we saw that night), Liz had joked with me to make a wish and I replied it's already come true and kissed, I always told you the birthday before I met you when I blew out the candles I had wished to find true love that year and I did - you were my wish and dreams come true, anyway the rest of that night we lost count how many we saw and sat up all night laughing and cheering (as if England scored a goal in a World Cup final) at each one. We stayed up all night and it's one of my favourite nights of my entire life and I know you felt the same.

It's why we moved down to Hove during the pandemic and out to Saltdean this year. Even to the end and our last weekend together we did out favourite walk to our favourite country pub. We loved the outdoors, a good country pub and a pint of local ale.

There are too many memories to share in such a short time, a lifetimes worth of memories really in our 9.5 years alone, but one final one I will share is from our honeymoon to the Greek Islands, which was just an amazing trip in general. We had finally ventured out of the hotel one Friday night to try the local taverna, the bar staff had got me up and some others up to do some Greek dancing , me being me loved this and liz had a good giggle filming it, anyways me being me I ordered waaaay to much food and we were stuffed and walking home. When again we heard this loud music playing and followed it to this local bar, they were playing all our favourite songs and again we danced and drank in the early hours in each others arms doing shots with the bar owner, this might be my favourite night together, there was so much love and fun and really was who were were together, we had such fun together.

What I loved most and miss more than I can bear are all the little things like, her laugh, hearing her call me Robber, holding her hand, have a snuggle on the couch watching tv, kissing her goodnight and waking up next to her kissing her back every day. I never took any of these for granted but I guess to an extent I did as you really don't know what you have until its gone and I thought we had a lifetime and it breaks my heart we won't grow old together.

Lizzie, I know you had your struggles and tough times in life, some of these with me and I wish with all my heart I could have saved you, I really tried to love you the best I could and my mission in life was to make you happy and loved and I know I did and I know how deeply you felt this. I thought for a long time that our love wasn't enough but have come to accept that it was, it really was, and I know how happy and loved I made you feel, you always had this in you and I understand it better now. I know I was the only thing that made you happy in the end and I know you had probably stayed longer on this earth because of me and the love you had for me.

We gave each other the best years of our life and to you, my darling wife, I am eternally grateful for that and to be loved by you in the way that I was - and I am glad that I lovedu you and brought you happiness to the end. You made me a better man and I am sorry this all got too much for you in the end. I would have died for you and in a way I did as part of me died that night as there can never truly be a me without you, you were the ying to my yang

We were obsessed with each other and that is something that never really changed. People speak of the honeymoon period of a relationship but ours never ended, well until you departed. But just because you are gone, you will live on, I am your legacy and you will always be in my memory, in my actions and in my heart - which will always be yours forever and eternity.

Only life without you in it was too much for me to bear, you were my world and a world without you in it was not one I could live in. We were as close as two humans can be, you complete(d) me (and that's a private joke about Jerry Maguire I know you would laugh at) and always will.

You were my forever person and all I wanted was to grow up with you and share a lifetime of memories but my love we grew as old as we did and in a way we grow as old as we ever could. I can look back on a lifetime of love and happiness with you and smile at the end of my life too because of knowing you and the honour of your love. Regardless of how this ended I know I am a lucky man for having this, what we shared was so rare I know how lucky we truly were to have this, our love was unique and I hope this helps others understand why I am not here to read this today.

I am not going to lie, I was broken at the end and in too much pain that I could take, my soul has been ripped from within - I guess it is true that you can die from a broken heart, remember how we used to joke and cry together, when one of us went the other would die broken heart, well my love we were right. I would have loved to die happy, old and in your arms together but it was not to be. We may have only got 9.5 years together but what a life we lived in that time.

Remembering all this and all the memories has made me cry, laugh and smile but given me peace knowing that the pain will be over soon. This is how I understand what you must have gone through at the end and in a weird way helped me understand your struggles in a way I never could before. I was always there when you were down for a hug, a shoulder to cry or just some love and you were ALWAYS ALWAYS there for me no matter what, but without you I can't face this life alone, without your love and support.

I know it got to much for you and I couldn't save you, I tried and I know you know how much and I know I got you through a lot of tough times and I know you stayed as long as you could for me , I wish I could have taken your pain from you, I know I could have taken it, I know what I lived through at the end was your worst nightmare and it was too much for me - you gave me the strength to go on and all the love in the world can't come close to replacing yours and never will.

Remember when we first met and I used to write you love poems, I wrote you one that first week subliminally confessing my love for you but how I didn't think you would love be back and I remember how touched you were by that and how you told me you felt the same and loved me back. You used to love it when I would send you one, and when writing this again you inspired me, my muse, these words spilled into my mind and just as our relationship was born in part to that poem, here it shall end.

My Final Poem

What might have been will never be,
But you were always it for me,
I feel it now that you are gone
No one left to keep me strong

I miss you than I can say
From the moment you took your life that day
A life without you I cannot bare
And it's more than I would even dare

I wish I could have stole your pain
For I knew I could take the strain
An relieved you of your daily strife
I tried so hard to save your life

But now I know I cannot live
I have no life or love to give
For what we share was just too great
my best friend my true soulmate

For all the wealth or love or bliss
I'd trade it all for one last kiss
Alas, for us no Time Machine
Left with just this dreamless dream

I cannot live this life alone
For you were my forever home
And all the moments that were shared
I know to us we always cared

I wish that I could say goodbye
For each night I cry and cry
Longing for your embrace
To see that smile upon your face

I tried so hard and yet I failed
But join you now amongst the clouds
My wife to me you'll be
Eternally rob bear and Lizzie

There can't be a Rob Bear without his Lizzie, so thank you such much my amazing wife for a wonderful life and for loving me.



(If you care to read the how and why https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...ted-to-vent-as-i-dont-know-what-to-do.140009/)

This is so beautiful, so bitter sweet. I read your post with such ease, like I didn't want the beautiful memories to end, then all the way down to the heartfelt poem and you feeling like you can't go on.

I had tears and tiny smiles on my face reading this, your words are delicate and intense.

Although so tragic and unfair, it is comforting to get to meet such a strong love between two people. Get to see how two humans can be perfect for each other. I think I fell in love with your love.

Thank you for sharing this eulogy, I can't image the trip of emotions it must have been to get this all out. I'm sure Lizzy would love it so, so much and remember it forever.

I truly hope you find some peace, in life or otherwise, you and Lizzie are too beautiful of human beings to deserve a such immense sadness and a broken soul.