Venting i have to get all this off my chest

[black.dahlia]

i really want to kill myself. i know a really big part of wanting to ctb is the complete lack of empathy for other people when you attempt it, and i fully embrace it. but i hate how i still feel so gulity about it. i wont stop myself from doing anything, im not that good of a person. but i feel awful.
most of it is for my mom. she lost her brother in a car wreck not even a year ago. and i dont know why, but thinking about what i know im gonna do to her eventually makes that fact give me panic attacks.
i hate everyone and everything and i really hate being alive. it sounds cringey and corny but its the best way i can put it. i cant trust anyone around me and i feel completely empty and numb when i have to put on a character for anyone i interact with. theres no one i can name that i can feel a genuine connection towards, i just feel distant from them completely. but if thats the case, i shouldnt feel guilty at all about wanting to end it. i know its possible to get out of this hole i dug myself, but i just dont want to. im tired of crawling out and then immediately being pushed back in. i just dont want to be alive anymore. even when i was doing better i wanted to ctb.
i just dont know whats wrong with me and why im so repulsive to everyone. the reason why i put up all these walls and became so mean and fake was because everyone treated me like shit and left me no matter what i did. not even the professional therapists want me to be around them. i just want to die as soon as i get the chance to

 

[catnowmeowmeow]

I can relate on the lack of connection to anyone you meet and how awful that feels. I think leaving the ones that loved us is usually the only thing that is stopping us from leaving and it really sucks. There's no good answer on that one