Venting i have no real reason to feel like i do, and yet...

[snowangel]

hi everyone,

i feel like no one close to me could possibly understand my situation, so i will write it here in some, perhaps futile, attempt to be heard. having read other discussions i felt somewhat out of place, because, although i can relate to the raw emotions, everyone seems to have a reason/reasons as to why they feel so terrible. forgive me if it sounds pretentious or like i am bragging, but for context, my life is objectively extremely fortunate. i come from a very financially stable background, my parents are genuine angels (well-educated and accomplished and loving), i speak many languages, am studying in a prestigious university in a beautiful city in the most lucky apartment a girl could hope for. i have a sweet boyfriend who cares for me strongly, a long-term best friend, an adorable cuddly cat, i'm not socially awkward, i am pretty and skinny and know how to style myself well. i have no major health issues or areas of conflict that cause me any kind of discomfort or distress. so why do i feel like this every day? i am absolutely and utterly miserable with myself and i can't really explain why. i have been depressed for a very long time, started self-harming when i was 14, although i have been clean for almost a year thanks to the support from my boyfriend. it is such an isolating feeling, to know that you are surrounded by people who would unconditionally help you in any scenario and yet knowing they can't. i have tried to get better so many times and it has never worked, i resorted to just constantly doing my best to hide the worst of it. i feel like i am dripping in a poison that slowly seeps into anyone who gets close to me and it is unbearably agonizing to be so self-aware and yet unable to change. all i want is to disappear without harming anyone. there is something so deeply wrong with me and i am so tired.

love, snowangel

 

[whywhywhy]

tbh its hard to understand other people's brains because we all have different motivators, values and things we like. For me maybe this is the best case to reccomend therapy when someone dont understand why they feel a certain way.

Also i dont want to sound alarming but your case may be physical, I know a girl would had a tumour near her brain that caused her depression among other things so its not always a mental thing sometimes your hormone production is just fucked

 

[snowangel]

tbh its hard to understand other people's brains because we all have different motivators, values and things we like. For me maybe this is the best case to reccomend therapy when someone dont understand why they feel a certain way.

Also i dont want to sound alarming but your case may be physical, I know a girl would had a tumour near her brain that caused her depression among other things so its not always a mental thing sometimes your hormone production is just fucked

yeah i mean i was in therapy for a couple years but kept switching to different providers after they would start to form a diagnosis i didnt agree with, which were all completely different and so i know they can't all have been true. its just frustrating and i'm too exhausted to the point where all of the energy i have just goes to school and basic chores/tasks. even taking a short walk feels like an all-day commitment. my parents keep insisting i try different forms of healthcare, but i just cant seem to muster up the willpower. :(

 

[COP2CON]

I met a girl exactly like you who said the exact same things at the first mental hospital I went to. Its a conundrum but she ended up with a beautiful family and to all appearances, a wonderful life. No great words as Im not sure how she overcame the feelings. I backed off as a friend when she began to get better not wanting to bring her into a relapse. All I can say is you are heard and your not alone. I know your tired but there's a whole community here with loads of information and people to help, to listen, and to comfort. I'm sorry you feel bad. Talk it out and do some research. I think you'll find some common ground with many like I did and that felt oddly comforting.

 

[whywhywhy]

just curious after so much therapy didnt you get a grasp on the reason why you feel so unmotivated?
If not considering its happening since you were 14 and that you feel so tired it may be a medical issue that can be treated tbh

 

[snowangel]

just curious after so much therapy didnt you get a grasp on the reason why you feel so unmotivated?
If not considering its happening since you were 14 and that you feel so tired it may be a medical issue that can be treated tbh

its just an incredibly complex issue that seems to shift all the time. i feel like any time i try to describe my issues the next day that explanation is no longer a true or accurate representation and therefore useless. i'm struggling to find the words to properly articulate what i mean. one therapist started insinuating that she suspected i had some kind of multiple personalities or something, because of how starkly different i could be from day to day. i would say that with age this aspect has somewhat mellowed out, but its absolutely still recognizable. my emotions flip so quickly that people get whiplash when i forget to hide or buffer it. genuinely have no idea what these things could possibly indicate but no diagnosis ever seemed to represent me even vaguely.

I met a girl exactly like you who said the exact same things at the first mental hospital I went to. Its a conundrum but she ended up with a beautiful family and to all appearances, a wonderful life. No great words as Im not sure how she overcame the feelings. I backed off as a friend when she began to get better not wanting to bring her into a relapse. All I can say is you are heard and your not alone. I know your tired but there's a whole community here with loads of information and people to help, to listen, and to comfort. I'm sorry you feel bad. Talk it out and do some research. I think you'll find some common ground with many like I did and that felt oddly comforting.

it means a lot to hear that. i want to do better, not so much for my own sake but just to make my parents and loved ones happy. it would be nice to feel joyful and content again. i wish i knew where to start T_T

 

[whywhywhy]

If your condition is something rare chances are the average therapist is gonna miss it completely, but thats also a better reason to get medically tested.

I sincerely dont really understand why you would feel they way you are feeling maybe because im just the opposite. Ive always tended to analyse my feelings and try to find the real reason it makes me upset. For me its just unsettling feeling bad and not understanding why

 

[snowangel]

If your condition is something rare chances are the average therapist is gonna miss it completely, but thats also a better reason to get medically tested.

I sincerely dont really understand why you would feel they way you are feeling maybe because im just the opposite. Ive always tended to analyse my feelings and try to find the real reason it makes me upset. For me its just unsettling feeling bad and not understanding why

i would consider myself to be extremely introspective but its like capturing an image of the ocean, by the time you have done so it has already shifted into a new form, new texture, new pattern of waves, etc. i can perfectly describe how i am feeling at a given moment or what caused it, but then it just changes. theres no consistency so i find it difficult to even approach any kind of solution. it is sooooooooooo unsettling but i suppose i have just grown somewhat accustomed to it by now.

 

[shumika]

i'm a girl and struggle with the same thoughts as well... but my life is the complete opposite of yours. sometimes our brains are just wired to make us miserable, it feels like. i hope one day you find the peace and balance you're looking for :(

 

[COP2CON]

it means a lot to hear that. i want to do better, not so much for my own sake but just to make my parents and loved ones happy. it would be nice to feel joyful and content again. i wish i knew where to start T_T

There's many ways to start and things to do. You can try therapy or volunteering or journaling or many other things. Its all what you feel capable of or interested in trying. Personally I loved volunteering. I like helping people and it was like everything else shut off for me when I did something. I always knew in the back of my mind I was there for someone else and my bs needed to chill while I accomplished whatever tasks I was doing. There was a wonderful thread by @moshimoshi about journaling I'll post below. Sometimes putting it down on paper or on the computer let's you reflect on it all in a way you didn't see before. Its all worth trying if it brings even a little comfort or peace for you.
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/how-to-journal.165846/#post-3382073