Venting I have less than a month to live and I'm doing nothing with it

[sixthgun]

Unless I can get myself out of the situation I'm in, I have until August 13th to live. I was planning to live a few months longer to see if life would get better with university (if not, I was going to take a shit load of drugs and go out with a bang lol), but there's a high chance I might not even get into university because of my fuck up.

I feel like in media when someone is going to die soon, they always have things they want to do. They spend all their money, get a bad tattoo, do a bunch of crazy stuff... etc

I just feel so weird. I'm not doing anything. I've spent almost every day of the last month the same way. Bedrotting, sleeping, playing with my cats, eating, gaining weight (hey, at least it'll make hanging more effective...?), and binge watching My 600 Pound Life to convince myself that at least I'm not that bad.

I don't have any money and both of my credit cards are maxxed so I can't really go get drunk, go on a shopping spree, or do something on my bucket list. The only thing I could really do is write (there's a couple of fanfics I've been meaning to finish and publish) but I'm really not motivated enough to do that. I'm basically just sitting here waiting for the day that I die. I wonder if this is how prisoners on death row feel.

 

[FF777]

i don't know the details of your situation, but do NOT force your self to not have a place to live soon just because you might CTB soon.. i just made a huge mistake a few days ago where i was planning to CTB so i had been purposely not paying rent for 1.5 months and i had an eviction notice.. i figured if i'm going to CTB then i don't need to be paying rent.. but then when it got down to the last day before my eviction and i was supposed to CTB, i got SUPER TERRIFIED and SI (survival instinct) kicked in REAL HARD and i wanted to cancel it all completely and realized i am NOT ready to CTB yet, but then i panicked because i didn't even know if i could cancel the eviction.. the landlord manager said he would cancel the eviction only if i came up with over $900 instantly to pay off all the past rent and stuff due.. i am lucky enough to have a rich uncle that i could go to that same day and he gave me $1000 to hurry and pay my balance due and then so i got the eviction cancelled at the last minute there.. it was terrifying and made me realize that if you want to CTB then DO NOT stop paying your rent.. just keep paying the rent like normal to give your self time to relax and do CTB at your own pace if that's still want you want to do, and it makes it easy to cancel CTB too like i did..

 

[KatalinaKrimson]

Well it doesn't really matter what you do, does it? If you're going to CTB soon like you say, then all of this will disappear.

 

[hughmun9]

I feel you, I personally wouldn't do anything before my CTB either

 

[sixthgun]

i don't know the details of your situation, but do NOT force your self to not have a place to live soon just because you might CTB soon.. i just made a huge mistake a few days ago where i was planning to CTB so i had been purposely not paying rent for 1.5 months and i had an eviction notice.. i figured if i'm going to CTB then i don't need to be paying rent.. but then when it got down to the last day before my eviction and i was supposed to CTB, i got SUPER TERRIFIED and SI (survival instinct) kicked in REAL HARD and i wanted to cancel it all completely and realized i am NOT ready to CTB yet, but then i panicked because i didn't even know if i could cancel the eviction.. the landlord manager said he would cancel the eviction only if i came up with over $900 instantly to pay off all the past rent and stuff due.. i am lucky enough to have a rich uncle that i could go to that same day and he gave me $1000 to hurry and pay my balance due and then so i got the eviction cancelled at the last minute there.. it was terrifying and made me realize that if you want to CTB then DO NOT stop paying your rent.. just keep paying the rent like normal to give your self time to relax and do CTB at your own pace if that's still want you want to do, and it makes it easy to cancel CTB too like i did..

I'm supposed to be moving out in September and tbh I haven't really been applying for accomodation but I realise now I probably should or I'm deadass gonna end up homeless if I don't die first lol. I already have my student finance sorted at least. Sorry that happened to you man.

Well it doesn't really matter what you do, does it? If you're going to CTB soon like you say, then all of this will disappear.

Aye, true that. I suppose I'm just a bit spiritual and still holding onto the idea of being fullfilled before I die, but ultimately it likely won't matter. I think I like the idea of there being nothing rather than some afterlife anyways.

 

[valar_morghulis21]

What's good about death is that you don't have to give a fuck anymore. Who cares if people do crazy shit? Just doing you is good enough.