Venting I hate myself

[Kanau_Nano]

I can't be normal. I just can't. I quit my job recently and I had to return my things today because I kept putting it off, and they were getting mad at me. When I dropped my stuff off I felt so pathetic and anxious. I was shaking, my head and heart hurt, I just felt terrible. I could hardly look anyone in the eye. They probably think I'm so weird.

On the way back I got on a bus to go home, because I'm too anxious to drive a car and probably too stupid too. When I got on it was so packed and I quickly looked around trying to find a seat. My heart was racing I started shaking again and kept thinking bad things about myself. It's just a packed bus I've been on one many times but i just can't be comfortable of course. On the walk home after I got off I kept trying to avoid any contact with others as much as I can. I felt so overwhelmed with bad feelings and still do. Once I got home I just browsed here and smoked pretty much. I'm back here again and i can't stop thinking of ctb right now. I really do want to wait a little more, but it's getting difficult. The only thing I can think of to help is vent here and then I'm going to take enough opiates to try and feel good again. I have no irl friends anymore because of how I am and I can't talk to family because I will worry them. I have one good friend I made on here at least that seems to care about me, but I think they are sleeping. I'm scared they will end up hating me or think I'm annoying eventually.

It's really not the worst day I've had, but I'm just so sick of how I am. I really shouldn't have quit, but I also felt so bad working too I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so stupid I thought i would hurt someone the whole time I was there. Every job I have i feel so incompetent and stressed

The only good thing that happened today was I went and got a coffee and I wasn't too awkward then. I always feel so out of place i don't belong here

 

[Matchaaa]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate. Even things that seem small or ordinary can feel really overwhelming sometimes. I hope things go smoothly for you.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate. Even things that seem small or ordinary can feel really overwhelming sometimes. I hope things go smoothly for you.

I wish you didn't relate, anyways thank you matchaaa you're always super sweet. I hope things go smoothly for you too

 

[Atonal]

I can relate to so many things here unfortunately. Apart from the obvious ones about employment, feeling overwhelmed, incompetent and stupid... The part about being anxious to drive stood out for me.
Driving for me is the same as any social interaction that overwhelmes me and I can't stop thinking about killing someone on the road by accident. I'm not even talking about feeling too dumb to actually learn to drive.
Never had and never will.
Too bad opiates don't work for me lol

I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I wish I could give you something to feel a relief.
But I can only say that you are not alone in feeling that way. Although there is not that much positive in knowing that.
I wish you to feel better in any way at least.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I also go through anxiety like that. I get scared to talk to people often because I have a fear of being burdensome to others, and this fear has ruined friendships and made my life more difficult than it should be. You honestly don't deserve to feel such a way at all. You really are a nice person, and someone like you should be living their life happily. But god always makes the wrong people suffer. I seriously hope for your pain to ease, and for you to make it out of all of your struggles alive.

 

[themisfit]

Dear, don't put much pressure on yourself

It seems like you're having a hard time with your anxiety

I remember the days before I tried to CTB, I was just out of control

Don't hate yourself. You seem to be a very nice person, you seem to care about others

Warm hugs

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I can relate to so many things here unfortunately. Apart from the obvious ones about employment, feeling overwhelmed, incompetent and stupid... The part about being anxious to drive stood out for me.
Driving for me is the same as any social interaction that overwhelmes me and I can't stop thinking about killing someone on the road by accident. I'm not even talking about feeling too dumb to actually learn to drive.
Never had and never will.
Too bad opiates don't work for me lol

I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I wish I could give you something to feel a relief.
But I can only say that you are not alone in feeling that way. Although there is not that much positive in knowing that.
I wish you to feel better in any way at least.

I have the same fear. I never want to be responsible for hurting someone and I don't trust myself at all driving. It's so scary. I hope there is good public transit where you are have you tried to drive before? I never have just the thought gets me

Opiates never worked for me much either I took a many. Only if I take extremely high does. People's bodies are weird. Does it help your pain at least?

I'm sorry you relate to someone much. It's horrible feeling this way. I wish i could give you any advice. Here's a big hug at least!!

I also go through anxiety like that. I get scared to talk to people often because I have a fear of being burdensome to others, and this fear has ruined friendships and made my life more difficult than it should be. You honestly don't deserve to feel such a way at all. You really are a nice person, and someone like you should be living their life happily. But god always makes the wrong people suffer. I seriously hope for your pain to ease, and for you to make it out of all of your struggles alive.

I feel burdensome too. When I end up liking someone a lot I fear abandonment heavily. I tend to try to leave people before they can me if I think it will happen. I'm sure you relate sadly.

Thx btw i feel the same about you. Lots of hugs to you!!! I'm always wishing you the best

Dear, don't put much pressure on yourself

It seems like you're having a hard time with your anxiety

I remember the days before I tried to CTB, I was just out of control

Don't hate yourself. You seem to be a very nice person, you seem to care about others

Warm hugs

I don't even have to try i always feel so much pressure. Anxiety very much helped ruin my life. I try not to blame my mental health tho. I ruined it.

You struggle with anxiety too? I wish no one felt so bad over normal human interactions. You're very nice too thank you for the message. I really do appreciate it. Hope you have as good of a day as possible!!

 

[peacebenow]

Feel good about the coffee. You did what you need to do about the job. It will be ok.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Feel good about the coffee. You did what you need to do about the job. It will be ok.

Thank you. It's hard to feel good sbout it tho. I am glad I can sleep now tho when I was working I hardly slept. I hope you have a good day/night

 

[amy joyce]

I can't be normal. I just can't. I quit my job recently and I had to return my things today because I kept putting it off, and they were getting mad at me. When I dropped my stuff off I felt so pathetic and anxious. I was shaking, my head and heart hurt, I just felt terrible. I could hardly look anyone in the eye. They probably think I'm so weird.

On the way back I got on a bus to go home, because I'm too anxious to drive a car and probably too stupid too. When I got on it was so packed and I quickly looked around trying to find a seat. My heart was racing I started shaking again and kept thinking bad things about myself. It's just a packed bus I've been on one many times but i just can't be comfortable of course. On the walk home after I got off I kept trying to avoid any contact with others as much as I can. I felt so overwhelmed with bad feelings and still do. Once I got home I just browsed here and smoked pretty much. I'm back here again and i can't stop thinking of ctb right now. I really do want to wait a little more, but it's getting difficult. The only thing I can think of to help is vent here and then I'm going to take enough opiates to try and feel good again. I have no irl friends anymore because of how I am and I can't talk to family because I will worry them. I have one good friend I made on here at least that seems to care about me, but I think they are sleeping. I'm scared they will end up hating me or think I'm annoying eventually.

It's really not the worst day I've had, but I'm just so sick of how I am. I really shouldn't have quit, but I also felt so bad working too I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so stupid I thought i would hurt someone the whole time I was there. Every job I have i feel so incompetent and stressed

The only good thing that happened today was I went and got a coffee and I wasn't too awkward then. I always feel so out of place i don't belong here

Honestly, sunglasses do help. It's not going to solve your problems but at least you can feel as if people can't see what you're thinking. You'll be able to lift your head and not wonder if people think you're scared. If you have those issues, it's quite alright and probably more normal than you realize. But what we ultimately want as casual friends is for each other to survive their pain enough to continue until life gets easier. And it does!

Opiates will hurt you long term. Do you mind telling me what you take, how many and how often? I got into them wayyy to much and it caused a whirlwind of problems. I had postpartum depression and with a toddler and new born, ctb wasn't an option. I couldn't abandoned them to their father alone.

Anyway, there are other jobs. There's more people around then you will care to meet and most aren't friend material. Not deep seeded, good friends that you can trust. It can and will happen in time but becoming comfortable being alone might be a better goal to start with. How long can you financially go without working and not becoming dependent on the state?

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Honestly, sunglasses do help. It's not going to solve your problems but at least you can feel as if people can't see what you're thinking. You'll be able to lift your head and not wonder if people think you're scared. If you have those issues, it's quite alright and probably more normal than you realize. But what we ultimately want as casual friends is for each other to survive their pain enough to continue until life gets easier. And it does!

Opiates will hurt you long term. Do you mind telling me what you take, how many and how often? I got into them wayyy to much and it caused a whirlwind of problems. I had postpartum depression and with a toddler and new born, ctb wasn't an option. I couldn't abandoned them to their father alone.

Anyway, there are other jobs. There's more people around then you will care to meet and most aren't friend material. Not deep seeded, good friends that you can trust. It can and will happen in time but becoming comfortable being alone might be a better goal to start with. How long can you financially go without working and not becoming dependent on the state?

Sunglasses do help when it's not cloudy. Also hoodies or n95 masks if I'm in a crowded spot. When I start shaking tho it's very obvious and makes me more anxious. My voice gets shakey too. Thanks for your advice a thing a therapist told me was to look at the sky instead of the ground. Little less weird lol It helps me cause i have eye contact problems.

Life has gotten easier in some ways and much worse in others. I like your attitude though!

I take oxys mostly. Through the past
few days I took easily over 100 mg. I took 40 around when I posted this. I passed out a bit. I know it's really dangerous cause sometimes I feel like i forget to breathe plus the dependence i will get. I've struggled with drugs a lot through life and I started getting back into them recently. I've lost all hope pretty much.

Wish you didn't deal with that addiction. It's super hard to quit. You're very strong for going through that!! Postpartum depression is really really bad too. You should be really proud about dealing with all that and living for your kids. I'm super proud of you!! I'm currently trying to live until my dad dies, but I'm not sure if can do it. I envy your will

I have enough money to live well for a good amount of time.

I hate being alone. I also hate being around people cause of my anxiety. It's been real bad since I was a kid. Only slightly getting better. Therapy never worked or meds. The only thing that helps is when I used to take Valium or small doses of Meth. Luckily I haven't done that in a long time. My parents gave me meth for the first time and got me hooked. They are so lovely. Used to have me get drugs for them lmao

I truly believe I'm a lost cause. I don't want to ctb i really really don't. I just can't put up with how my life is anymore. I tried for so long. I feel so guilty about how my siblings and other family will be devastated. I hate myself for being this way.

You are super sweet btw thanks for taking the time to make me feel better. I truly wish you don't want to ctb anymore if that's why you're here? I appreciate you greatly

 

[wine is fine but]

I truly believe I'm a lost cause. I don't want to ctb i really really don't. I just can't put up with how my life is anymore. I tried for so long. I feel so guilty about how my siblings and other family will be devastated. I hate myself for being this way.

You are super sweet btw thanks for taking the time to make me feel better. I truly wish you don't want to ctb anymore if that's why you're here? I appreciate you greatly

silly question, but do you breathe through your stomach or your lungs
you mentioned you feel like you forgot to breathe, as well

breathing correctly is very much under rated
with myself, i used to (and sometimes still do) find myself holding my breath when exerting myself or in an anxious situation. plus breathing just into your lungs, does not do as much as breathing deep down into your stomach. you get so much more air in through the stomach and air helps you to remain relaxed. if your chest rises when you breathe, you are not doing it right. your stomach needs to move outwards with your chest remaining fairly still. you will feel a big difference too, between the lungs and stomach. through the lungs you can always feel out of breath to some degree, so the correct way is invaluable

perhaps try to make a conscious effort to notice if you are always breathing and to breathe correctly. you may already be doing that, but people in our situation are notorious for not breathing properly. it is almost a habit for me now, but it took a long time of making a conscious effort to get it that way - either way, i hope you can feel better soon and stop hating yourself. you cannot help something that you were born with or that is wired into your brain . . . you cannot, and if you do hate yourself for it, it will stop you from being able to get better, because your mind will be negative from the start

 

[MyMomWasMyLife]

My heart breaks every time I'm on this site. So much pain and anguish. I truly am sorry that you suffer so much. I wish I could say more to help. But at least you know you have many people here that care.