Venting I hate myself

[Kanau_Nano]

i am not good with words. i am a total introvert. the conversations i have in my own head are pure gold, but when trying to converse with someone else, my mind goes blank

while none of us can know what someone else is feeling, i understand how you felt when you boarded the bus. you may have had anxiety, but you did get on the crowded bus in the first place. you were anxious but you still did it. maybe just keep trying little things like that. with every little victory, you may feel much better overall. just concentrate on making sure you are breathing correctly, and just step outside your comfort zone a little at a time. small talk, being around people, it can all work to help you. it is a cliche, but the longest journey starts with a single step. another thing is that, for me at least, when i feel annoyed or start yelling at clouds because i hate the world, i notice it straight away. when i feel good, it is never that obvious. normally i look back over the last day or two and think how much better i felt then. love can be a whisper, but pain will always shout to you. sadly, it is the bad times always stand out more, which does not help people in our position

please do not throw your life away for nothing. perhaps your reasons are 100% real to you, but if you happen to hang on for another few years, you may look back on these reasons and think they were silly. as an example (and please keep this entirely between you and i ) my last attempt was when i was 20 - 37 years ago. i tied a t-shirt around my neck for around 90 minutes. as well as swallowing a whole heap of tablets that were in the house that all stated not to take more than x amount in one day. there were two reasons as such. the first reason that got me ready to get started was just to prove to myself i wasn't lying when i thought i wanted to die all day, every day. the second, probably as a justification to go ahead with it was that the sooner i died, the sooner i could be reincarnated as a girl. both reasons were stupid, but they made sense at the time. my experience is proof that you could go on to live a rewarding and fairly happy life. i just wish you could genuinely believe what i am saying. it is not your fault the you probably cannot believe it wholeheartedly, just a bit of human nature since most people on this planet have trouble telling the truth. i wish the best for you, but would rather you find peace with your own life, than find peace by ending it. but you must do what is right for you - hopefully my post can help you make an informed decision




you picked one of the most difficult vehicles to have your first drive in
this may be too technical and boring for you, but a forklift steers with it's rear wheels. that way it has a much smaller turning circle than if it steered with the front wheels. like reversing a car. the turning circle is smaller, but it is much harder to steer because of it. also a forklift has a much smaller wheelbase (distance between front and back wheels) than even the smallest compact car. once again this is for a smaller turning circle and making it more nimble. but, once again, this makes it much more difficult to steer compared to a car. add the fact the steering wheel has a knob on it to steer with, and it would be much more difficult to control a forklift than a car on your first ever drive of a vehicle. compared to a forklift, a car is child's play

Same. In my head I sound so eloquent and confident then I speak and I'm like "So...uhhhh yeah..."

I've tried to best my anxiety since I was a kid. I thought working in a crowded busy place would work, but not really. I tried lots I'm at a loss. I've made friends and been in relationships, but eventually I get really overwhelmed or angry at the other person and ruin it. I always feel like people are faking liking me most of the time. I never take compliments as serious unless I happen to be in a very good mood at the time. There are some times I'm extremely confident suddenly, but not for long sadly. I feel so bad in social situations often. I will focus on my breathing more tho.

I have more reasons than anxiety to ctb. I thought i would get better for a while too i got everything in life going great for me not too long ago. But I still wanted to ctb in the end. I tried to ctb multiple times. First when i was very young. I feel there might be no escape.


I'm sorry you had to go through that attempt. I've wished for myself to be born as a girl too I felt ya on that lol. I'm glad you kept on living and are doing well now. If i ctb successfully earlier there is a lot if good things i would've missed. But mostly bad. I wish I could be like you and feel life is rewarding i really do. Hugs for you thx for your words truly

I was suffering treatment resistant depression and wanted to die but just like in earlier years I didn't want to leave my children. My oldest was about 15 at the time and I thought if I could get them to 18 and 20 respectfully, it'd be worth taking that medication (bc I was scared and didn't want to be addicted but also, I couldn't handle my depression). I had never hard of the shot you mentioned (have you considered it or Bupe? Bupe is less to be scared of at low doses you could probably get by on 2 mg scripts and take just 1 mg).

So my doctor put me on an SSRI, an SNRI and Buprenorphine which turns out is super dangerous and can cause Serotonin Syndrome. The first two are Serotonin re-uptake inhibitors and the Bupe is basically a Serotonin Booster. It helped relieve my depression instantly but after he increased my dosage a couple of times I began to experience Serotonin Spikes and lows, especially as my cycle changed. The Spikes caused what I call "terrors", like 12 hours of 'fight or flight' fears each day and palpitations. I had no idea why bc it was like 8 years later. I eventually got down on my Bupe which didn't help and two diff new doctors and finally also got off the SSRI. I'm currently trying to change the SNRI for one with a longer half life, she thinks will help. I'm transitioning now and feel exhausted all of the time. Also was depressed more than usual since Sean passed away and started to really contemplate ctb. I'm glad I'm not obsessed with it like I was for a while and the depression has listed but last night it came back a little and scared me. When I think of my son I just become very low. I not only helped him he helped me bc household chores were difficult as was going up and down stairs (swelling from the illness).

Most people won't read this so I'll sort of secretly say that my cousin suggested maybe I try talking to people here and maybe can help them. I was not interested at all but then when I felt helped by what now seems so simple, I thought I'd stick around a bit (was just gonna learn about ctb and carry on). I still want to learn about it bc I know the medication will kill me one day. If I don't get my meds I will go through intolerable withdrawal (at such a high dose).

Anyway that's about the gist of it. I do think that taking oxy or whatever is much better than ctb and sticking around for whomever is as good a reason as any. People say that we should do things for ourselves but I think that ultimately it's all for ourselves and just need to make that connection. We don't want our Dad to suffer. We don't want our husband or child to suffer. It's us so it's all the same. Some closer bonds may help you like with one of your siblings. Hanging with them whether at home or at the beach or a park, those are all healthy and positive things. Anything that gets us out of the current rut we're in. I kind of talk to God as if He were my friend instead of the Lord. Right or wrong, it helps. I stopped really caring what others thought some time ago. That really helped in some areas, lol. Wish I learned to do that much sooner. Blessings.

The shot i was thinking of is called sublocade BTW. I abused bupe a long time ago when I had no tolerance lol. Mostly just helped my pain tho. I think i can taper by myself if needed tho.

That's super scary the dr almost gave you Serotonin Syndrome. It's terrifying to go through. Those terrors sound awful. It sucks so much you unnecessarily had to go through that with no warning. Must've been so scary. Med transitioning can be hard, hopefully once it's done you feel better i imagine thinking of him is so hard. I couldn't imagine losing a child. I hope you don't have to go through that withdrawal. The Healthcare where you are sounds horrible.

Also you are a very sweet and caring person. You seem to help a lot of people with your posts. You are very much appreciated.

I wish I could learn not to care what others think as much. That's awesome you managed. Thx for talking to me

 

[wine is fine but]

Same. In my head I sound so eloquent and confident then I speak and I'm like "So...uhhhh yeah..."

I've tried to best my anxiety since I was a kid. I thought working in a crowded busy place would work, but not really. I tried lots I'm at a loss. I've made friends and been in relationships, but eventually I get really overwhelmed or angry at the other person and ruin it. I always feel like people are faking liking me most of the time. I never take compliments as serious unless I happen to be in a very good mood at the time. There are some times I'm extremely confident suddenly, but not for long sadly. I feel so bad in social situations often. I will focus on my breathing more tho.

I have more reasons than anxiety to ctb. I thought i would get better for a while too i got everything in life going great for me not too long ago. But I still wanted to ctb in the end. I tried to ctb multiple times. First when i was very young. I feel there might be no escape.


I'm sorry you had to go through that attempt. I've wished for myself to be born as a girl too I felt ya on that lol. I'm glad you kept on living and are doing well now. If i ctb successfully earlier there is a lot if good things i would've missed. But mostly bad. I wish I could be like you and feel life is rewarding i really do. Hugs for you thx for your words truly

i cannot understand to what extent everything you feel, but i do understand everything you have said. i wish you could understand what i am saying but without more years of experience, you cannot

you cannot beat anxiety by throwing yourself into a crowded room full of people you are anxious of. you need to start smaller and build up your tolerances. the human mind is very similar to a human muscle and even a piece of leather. push it too far when cold and not ready, it will tear. gently warm it up and stretch it and it will become much more flexible. when you first attempted, i assume that you felt that you couldn't take anymore, yet you have. with each attempt you have grown into someone who has put up with more than you ever thought possible. you have already shown much more strength than you thought you had. i do not want you or anybody to be in mental or physical torture, but nor do i want you or anybody to throw away something as important as your life if you can get through it and more importantly learn to enjoy it

if everything was going great for you not long ago, then it can happen again. when it went great it was probably a surprise to you at the time, so there is a good possibility, that it will happen again even if you feel it will not. the desire to die has never left me. it coexists with a willingness to not do it. what you are going through is almost certainly normal for many people, but for me, it does get better with each passing year.

I wish I could learn not to care what others think as much. That's awesome you managed. Thx for talking to me

sadly most of us who care about others cannot, but you can learn to not care what others think about you
do not worry about being judged, people will judge you anyway. you cannot do anything about it. be true to yourself, try your best and just be proud of the person you are. there is nothing more that you can do . . . or should do

 

[Atonal]

you picked one of the most difficult vehicles to have your first drive in
this may be too technical and boring for you, but a forklift steers with it's rear wheels. that way it has a much smaller turning circle than if it steered with the front wheels. like reversing a car. the turning circle is smaller, but it is much harder to steer because of it. also a forklift has a much smaller wheelbase (distance between front and back wheels) than even the smallest compact car. once again this is for a smaller turning circle and making it more nimble. but, once again, this makes it much more difficult to steer compared to a car. add the fact the steering wheel has a knob on it to steer with, and it would be much more difficult to control a forklift than a car on your first ever drive of a vehicle. compared to a forklift, a car is child's play

Not that I picked it, it just happened
But thank you for the detailed reply, it was an interesting read. You worked with a forklift? It really seems now that it's way more difficult than a car, I didn't give it much thought back then.
Although I still think it would have been as terrifying to drive a car for me lol

 

[amy joyce]

Same. In my head I sound so eloquent and confident then I speak and I'm like "So...uhhhh yeah..."

I've tried to best my anxiety since I was a kid. I thought working in a crowded busy place would work, but not really. I tried lots I'm at a loss. I've made friends and been in relationships, but eventually I get really overwhelmed or angry at the other person and ruin it. I always feel like people are faking liking me most of the time. I never take compliments as serious unless I happen to be in a very good mood at the time. There are some times I'm extremely confident suddenly, but not for long sadly. I feel so bad in social situations often. I will focus on my breathing more tho.

I have more reasons than anxiety to ctb. I thought i would get better for a while too i got everything in life going great for me not too long ago. But I still wanted to ctb in the end. I tried to ctb multiple times. First when i was very young. I feel there might be no escape.


I'm sorry you had to go through that attempt. I've wished for myself to be born as a girl too I felt ya on that lol. I'm glad you kept on living and are doing well now. If i ctb successfully earlier there is a lot if good things i would've missed. But mostly bad. I wish I could be like you and feel life is rewarding i really do. Hugs for you thx for your words truly

The shot i was thinking of is called sublocade BTW. I abused bupe a long time ago when I had no tolerance lol. Mostly just helped my pain tho. I think i can taper by myself if needed tho.

That's super scary the dr almost gave you Serotonin Syndrome. It's terrifying to go through. Those terrors sound awful. It sucks so much you unnecessarily had to go through that with no warning. Must've been so scary. Med transitioning can be hard, hopefully once it's done you feel better i imagine thinking of him is so hard. I couldn't imagine losing a child. I hope you don't have to go through that withdrawal. The Healthcare where you are sounds horrible.

Also you are a very sweet and caring person. You seem to help a lot of people with your posts. You are very much appreciated.

I wish I could learn not to care what others think as much. That's awesome you managed. Thx for talking to me

I remember sublocade now. It wasn't an option because my insurance didn't cover it. Like $700 a month. Plus I like to control what I put in my body. I used to get very paranoid about running out of meds. The ins is so strict I have to pick it up about the exact day I run out and there's always a problem with the pharmacy having my brand in stock and if another day goes by, I start withdrawal (I understand it's about 50x worse than morphine withdrawal). So I always take less than my prescribed dose and stockpile. I don't have to worry about getting it on time.

I'll never be done transitioning and have accepted that. I don't have SS but I have Serotonin spikes and lows each month as well as it causes me to be sick every day. I'm always super cold or have cold sweats, anxiety, nausea. When it's the worst I have paranoia and deep fear (terrors). I kept a daily spreadsheet for years to try and figure out what's wrong and that's how I realized it was the medication all along. The doctors never bothered to check which is what I'd think they'd do first.

Anyway it seems I am spending more time talking about myself than about you. I feel bad for that. Maybe it's bc I relate and think you can copy or not do some things I did. It sounds like you've already done similar to me in the past. I used to be someone who cared a lot what people thought.. It's not that I learned not to I think it just came over me that the worst thing that can happen has (losing Sean), so what else is there to care about? I will say that now that nine months have gone by some of what I stopped caring about has come back. But maybe it will never be like it was.

Have you considered that the idea of "ctb" helps you cope with anxiety? Like the thought of losing your problems with ending your life is comforting? I went from thinking about it quite regularly to not thinking about it overnight and realized a couple issues that went away have come back. I worry about my other son whenever he leaves the house and I worry about money more. Money isn't a problem if we're going to die, right? Well I just thought that might be a reason why you think about it but then again, you said there were other reasons too. But I'll say this, anxiety is a horrible feeling. I've experienced it and still do at times and absolutely hate it.

Can you tell me what you take now, regularly? Because if I remember correctly you were considering something different. I really hate pharma but for some people it's necessary and if you're already in bed with them it won't hurt to continue if you switch to something that's more helpful.

Btw, being nice doesn't cost me anything and I've been around a lot of mean people in life. We can be like them or not, and I'd prefer not to make someone feel worse than they already do. I don't want that on my conscience.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I remember sublocade now. It wasn't an option because my insurance didn't cover it. Like $700 a month. Plus I like to control what I put in my body. I used to get very paranoid about running out of meds. The ins is so strict I have to pick it up about the exact day I run out and there's always a problem with the pharmacy having my brand in stock and if another day goes by, I start withdrawal (I understand it's about 50x worse than morphine withdrawal). So I always take less than my prescribed dose and stockpile. I don't have to worry about getting it on time.

I'll never be done transitioning and have accepted that. I don't have SS but I have Serotonin spikes and lows each month as well as it causes me to be sick every day. I'm always super cold or have cold sweats, anxiety, nausea. When it's the worst I have paranoia and deep fear (terrors). I kept a daily spreadsheet for years to try and figure out what's wrong and that's how I realized it was the medication all along. The doctors never bothered to check which is what I'd think they'd do first.

Anyway it seems I am spending more time talking about myself than about you. I feel bad for that. Maybe it's bc I relate and think you can copy or not do some things I did. It sounds like you've already done similar to me in the past. I used to be someone who cared a lot what people thought.. It's not that I learned not to I think it just came over me that the worst thing that can happen has (losing Sean), so what else is there to care about? I will say that now that nine months have gone by some of what I stopped caring about has come back. But maybe it will never be like it was.

Have you considered that the idea of "ctb" helps you cope with anxiety? Like the thought of losing your problems with ending your life is comforting? I went from thinking about it quite regularly to not thinking about it overnight and realized a couple issues that went away have come back. I worry about my other son whenever he leaves the house and I worry about money more. Money isn't a problem if we're going to die, right? Well I just thought that might be a reason why you think about it but then again, you said there were other reasons too. But I'll say this, anxiety is a horrible feeling. I've experienced it and still do at times and absolutely hate it.

Can you tell me what you take now, regularly? Because if I remember correctly you were considering something different. I really hate pharma but for some people it's necessary and if you're already in bed with them it won't hurt to continue if you switch to something that's more helpful.

Btw, being nice doesn't cost me anything and I've been around a lot of mean people in life. We can be like them or not, and I'd prefer not to make someone feel worse than they already do. I don't want that on my conscience.

I've definitely been calmed by the thought of ctb before. I really appreciate if I wanted it could do it at anytime. It's really dangerous tho cause I've done impulsive attempts that didn't end well cause I was very unstable. I hope you never get a method with easy access due to the potential for that. Especially since you get mood swings too.

I bet you worry about your son a lot. I worry about my dad dying all the time and if I don't hear from him in a while I get super concerned. He almost died in front of me a few months ago. Luckily I called 911 fast. I worry about money too. I'm not struggling with it much tho. I plan to blow it all soon before I ctb. Would give me more motivation.

Anxiety definitely is the worst. I miss when I was a kid and it wasn't so bad.

I don't take any meds anymore except hrt meds. I used to take a lot and recently quit some headache medicine tho. Didn't help much. My therapist wants me to try more, but idk I give up. I share your thoughts on meds.

Same. I always try to put positivity out there and eventually it effects everyone. You're nice to one person they might be in a good mood and say something nice to others snd it continues. I think lol

There has to be a way to taper off your meds tho? Serotonin syndrome is s nightmare hou don't deserve that. Have you got multiple dr opinions? I hope you never go through that severe withdrawal and I am wishing the best for you. I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much

 

[amy joyce]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much

We are all dealing with a lot. The ability to cope differs between people like night and day. I've already changed but for all I know it will come back again, perhaps even worse. I used HRT thinking that was my problem and that was hell. It cause the serotonin to increase. There was a time I couldn't have a cup of tea or coffee without having horrible reactions. Definitely getting off of the SSRI helped. Now I'm on the Bupe Booster and an SNRI. We're trying to taper onto one with a longer half life. At first it was really hard and so bad I felt like stepping in front of a train so I gave up and started again later.

Here's the thing I hope you don't mind me pointing out. As much as you don't want me to live with SS and have a ctb method around I might be too tempted to use on a bad occasion, I don't want you to either. I believe we feel it just as strongly it's just that I know how badly it will hurt everyone around you. Even past your father. I would really like to see you work on living without that being the plan. In the program they called it similar to "making a reservation" (to use drugs). The end is so final and no matter how much of a believer someone is, it's still faith. We don't know. The other side could be horrible and worse. I doubt it but we don't know if how we live our lives or not doesn't effect us down the road. I hope I don't chase you away I'd just like you to think about it. What everyone that gets left behind has to face. It's really too bad we all didn't auto live closer so we could meet up on a whim if we wanted. This is like the biggest country ever, lol. Blessings...