I hate having bpd

[deadfaery]

i hate how much bpd rules my life. I have the quiet subtype and I internalize it completely I really only have outward bursts on my family, everyone else I turn it it inwards and take out my fragile emotional state on myself. I hate how tiny little things can make me spiral and split so intensely it's so emotionally painful that it becomes physical pain in my body. My boyfriend will have a tone change with me and it makes me go insane especially when I'm not physically with him. I'll call him to say goodnight and his tone will make me think something is wrong so I ask him and he's like it's fine he's just in the zone but after I get off the phone I can't stop thinking about it and how it makes me feel like I'm inconveniencing him. Like I just want him to sound like he's talking to someone he loves not someone who's bothering him and interrupting him. even though it's a small thing and I can talk to him abt it in person and figure out a compromise so that I don't feel like unloved basically it makes me start to split and have that all or nothing thinking of like well screw you bc you obviously don't love me but then fighting with myself bc I don't ever want him to leave me and so I never ever voice those thoughts to him. I just despise how my bpd makes me question everything and base my self worth on tiny tonal and body changes. I don't know who I am outside of other people and I feel so empty inside It hurts. I constantly feel like there's nothing for me here and that's one of my reasons for wanting to ctb.