I don't know what to do... I feel so alone... I feel so alone... 
I feel for you so much. I'll be honest: I read your posts and I wonder why you don't just leave. I think it's horrible how you're being treated. And you seem like such a sweet person, but have been made to feel like you're defective in some way. It's a low key abusive situation.I don't know what to do... I feel so alone... I feel so alone...
But I also know what it's like to be attached to someone — eve love them — and not be able to leave so easily, even if it's not the best for you. Sometimes you're not sure if you can survive without them, and then maybe you start to feel that you really are clingy.
I don't want to put words in your mouth. I'm speaking about my own situation. I'd be curious as to how you feel.
Meditation guide
Always was, is, and always shall be.
- Jun 22, 2020
- 6,089
I don't know your situation there but I think you should realize this guy is not good for you at all. It probably is not that you are too clingy. It's probably he is a narcissist who like all of them have a pattern of becoming critical then discarding people. Realize it's him not you. Of course you want to hang out with him.
He is a narcissist who wants you to be available to him if and when he wants. Nothing more. You are a supply of what he needs sometimes, if he is bored needs sex or needs whatever it is you provide. He is going to always make you feel bad and unworthy. If he can make you feel that way enough it's better for him since you are more likely to be subservient to his needs.
Last edited:
I just keep thinking back to when we had fun and when he really liked me. I then start to get really sad that I lost that...
I know how this feels. It's such a lonely trapped feeling. Try to remind yourself that isn't who is now. As bad as it sounds helped me get out of the emotional control of the relationship was whenever I started missing the good parts and getting sad I would force myself to think about the things he did that hurt instead. I'm sorry you're going through this. My heart hurts for you, I remember how this feels.
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
You didn't lose it. He dangled it like a carrot on a string and then snatched it away.
I hope you'll do some reading on narcissistic relationship patterns, and on how to build boundaries. I hope instead of getting weakened and drained by his treatment that you get some anger that will fill you up, straighten your posture, and motivate you to stop taking shit when it's being slung, to stand up and shake someone tf off when they're walking on you like a doormat. You don't deserve it. Period. I hope you find somewhere you can be alone and yell the word NO over and over until you feel it.
Edit: I also acknowledge these are my hopes, and I have no right to impose them on you. I wish for your well-being but that's for you to determine, not me.
Last edited:
You shouldn't have to "think back" to when it was fun. it should always be fun.....or certainly most of the time, we can all have arguements etc. though. what you shouldn't be doing is blaming yourself for someone not treating you, the way we all deserve to be treated which is with respect.
if you think he doesn't like you,then why is he still around. i can only see one answer to that to control you and/or make you feel bad.
men and women who are together in a relationship are meant to be affectionate towards each other, its the whole idea of making each other feel wanted. If you aren't being made to feel that way and feel bad or down etc.their is seriously something wrong
Deleted member 17949
Visionary
- May 9, 2020
- 2,238
I won't say it has nothing to do with you because I don't know how you behave. If you're anything like me and have fears of abandonment and intense attachments to people then there might be a real chance that you can be overwhelming for some people. That is not really terrible and doesn't mean you won't find love. If you struggle with compatibility and can't fix it you might be happier in another relationship.
that said it's unclear whether or not you are even really doing anything wrong here. This could be down to your bf and not really much to do with you at all.
that said it's unclear whether or not you are even really doing anything wrong here. This could be down to your bf and not really much to do with you at all.
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
Some manipulators, especially the narcissistic type, can take a truth and blow it way out of proportion for their advantage. If you're clingy, well, he knew that from the start, now it's a problem? This just doesn't smell right.
Last edited:
this actually reminds of a time i dated a girl. she spent alday one day ringing me(which i dindn't actually mind). then turned round one day and said i was too clingy lol
another ex used to ring me altime etc and i didn't find it to be much of a problem. It's nice to feel wanted!!!
another ex used to ring me altime etc and i didn't find it to be much of a problem. It's nice to feel wanted!!!
I want to tell him how all these awful things he did made me feel. He got away with it for too long. The second I bring it up he'll be saying I'm stressing him out and causing too much drama for him. Because he's just oh so busy...
you shouldn't be feeling that way. you should be feeling, cared for, respected. you can never be too busy for someone, you love. you should always make time for them IMO.
It may seem hard and i'm not going to say it would be easy or you should do it. but i do personally think you would be far better off without this person. sounds to me like they are dragging you down. it will only get worse i think. it doesn't sound like he is willing to listen to your concerns/issues about things.
a relationship is a two way thing, not just what one person wants or thinks
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
Well of course he will. Evading and denying are two weapons/shields in his consistent pattern of behavior, which reveals his intentions and character.
The more you try to get him to sympathize or empathize the more power you give him. He's not the man you see in your heart. The only way you'll be emotionally free is to get him out of your head and regain your strength and independence.
Truth is this person is actually really popular, I won't be able to avoid seeing them around... It's okay for him, I'm a nobody... He won't have to see my face everywhere...
That's not surprising at all. People like him tend to be the center of everyone's world.
He is very self absorbed. He tells me how stressed he gets when I talk about my issues and sadness.. I don't bring up suicide. Never. I tell him I feel bad for stressing him out. He says he doesn't know what he can do about it. Then he says he thinks everyone just uses him to vent to... So he sees me that way? I'm just trying to tell my problems to him...
I'm sorry for talking about this it's just I have no one to talk about it with. Everyone knows who he is and thinks he's great. He can so easily tell people that I'm the problem and then everyone against me... Maybe I am I don't know
I'm sorry for talking about this it's just I have no one to talk about it with. Everyone knows who he is and thinks he's great. He can so easily tell people that I'm the problem and then everyone against me... Maybe I am I don't know
I'm glad you're talking to us. it's important you feel like people hear you. I was in a similar position when I first came here. You can always reach out.
Thank you you've really really helped me, I'm so grateful...
I want to ctb... Why on earth is it so hard to find a good method..
I want to ctb... Why on earth is it so hard to find a good method..
Meditation guide
Always was, is, and always shall be.
- Jun 22, 2020
- 6,089
You need to understand something about him. He is a narcissist and that comes with an entire routine of using and then invalidating people. It's always hurtful. This is their pattern. First they like you a lot and it fades out, then the subtle putdowns start and invalidations start such as saying you're clingy. Know what you are dealing with. If you don't like being hurt and invalidated stay away from them.
Idk I'm always one of these people that can see the good in people or whatever.
Now I'm thinking about all the times he was taking me for a fool. Like making excuses to not hang out with me and if I would question it he would get ridiculously defensive. Or when we're watching a film together and he's just on his phone the whole time or talking to someone else and I'd feel sad and he'd make it like I'm the unreasonable one.
Guess I gotta end it. I'm really sad though... I thought they really liked me... They were the one who tried so hard to talk to me and presume me... It's so messed up to bring someone up like that and then treat them like this. Stringing them along too... If you don't want me just dump me...
Now I'm thinking about all the times he was taking me for a fool. Like making excuses to not hang out with me and if I would question it he would get ridiculously defensive. Or when we're watching a film together and he's just on his phone the whole time or talking to someone else and I'd feel sad and he'd make it like I'm the unreasonable one.
Guess I gotta end it. I'm really sad though... I thought they really liked me... They were the one who tried so hard to talk to me and presume me... It's so messed up to bring someone up like that and then treat them like this. Stringing them along too... If you don't want me just dump me...
Meditation guide
Always was, is, and always shall be.
- Jun 22, 2020
- 6,089
They like to have a supply of their needs on standby, just in case nothing better is available. Some have a "harem garage", a list of girls they can go through if they need something. They keep them hanging on for that purpose, to serve any needs. If he pops up again suddenly after you think he is gone it's to suck you back in for more supply of his needs. Don't be fooled.
He is very self absorbed. He tells me how stressed he gets when I talk about my issues and sadness.. I don't bring up suicide. Never. I tell him I feel bad for stressing him out. He says he doesn't know what he can do about it. Then he says he thinks everyone just uses him to vent to... So he sees me that way? I'm just trying to tell my problems to him...
I'm sorry for talking about this it's just I have no one to talk about it with. Everyone knows who he is and thinks he's great. He can so easily tell people that I'm the problem and then everyone against me... Maybe I am I don't know
So even when your trying to tell him your problems, he makes it all about himself by saying ' everyone just uses him to vent to'. just because your popular and poeple like you, doesn't mean you have to be an arse!!! I have loads of friends, i don't act like this.
Also if he says things about you to friends that aren't true. just goes to show the type of person he is. plus you shouldn't care what they people think or say anyways. people that put you down, or try to hurt you.......who the hell are they. their nowbody's thats what!
Right, this is the final straw tbh. I'm tired of this. We just hung out (he said he could only hang out with me for one hour because he had stuff to do) and we were watching a movie. He was typing to other people the whole time and I got upset. Whenever I get upset by that he gets really annoyed and I told him that I was sorry, I knew it wasn't cause he wasn't paying attention. It just makes me worried that it's because I'm boring and unable to keep his interest. He said 'I know why I just think it's an overreaction.' What kinda dismissive answer is that? When he said he thought I was too clingy I understood that and tried to make it so I wasn't being so clingy. But he can't give me any kinda reassurance whatsoever. All I want is 'I don't find you boring', but no. No. You can't do that can you!? You just make it my problem constantly don't you!? It's always my fault. Always.
Nelos
Member
- Jan 5, 2020
- 46
It does not seem like you are at fault, nothing you can do can truly make someone change. It sounds like he does not care for you but only going through the motions to not feel alone.
It's scary and sad once you start seeing through their mask isn't it? Whenever you're always at fault in a relationship that's a red flag. I'm glad you can see he's being disrespectful by not even giving you his full focus for the little time he gives you. You deserve better. One heads up... once you call him out on this he may get better for a while or make promises things will improve. This is a tactic to keep the abuse going. When he sees his efforts to control are failing he may do a big display of negative behavior like a huge fight where he goes off on you about how it's all your fault and you hurt him. Just be ready for that, and don't have the fight with him.
your not boring, he is ignorrant as well as few other unsavoury words i won't use!
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
I was thinking about him only giving you an hour, like you got all the rewards in the beginning, and now he's only making the minimum investment in you as his supply/appliance. It's a common pattern.
When I went to look that up, I came across the following:
Stages of a relationship with a narcissist: idealization, devaluation, discard. The discard can be overt, or set up that their behavior is so egregious they force the other to break up with them. The cycles can repeat. Sounds like he's been devaluing you for a while and is heading for the discard. Also helpful to look up hoovering behavior that comes after the discard, flying monkeys, and smear campaigns (you said he's got people who think he's great and wouldn't believe you, they're flying monkeys and would take part in the smear if that were to happen). Really good to go total no contact with him and everyone he associates with.
www.google.com
Hope some of this helped. I know it's hard and you have my empathy.
When I went to look that up, I came across the following:
Stages of a relationship with a narcissist: idealization, devaluation, discard. The discard can be overt, or set up that their behavior is so egregious they force the other to break up with them. The cycles can repeat. Sounds like he's been devaluing you for a while and is heading for the discard. Also helpful to look up hoovering behavior that comes after the discard, flying monkeys, and smear campaigns (you said he's got people who think he's great and wouldn't believe you, they're flying monkeys and would take part in the smear if that were to happen). Really good to go total no contact with him and everyone he associates with.
GoodTherapy | Idealize, Devalue, Discard: The Dizzying Cycle of Narcissism
<img class=
www.google.com
Hope some of this helped. I know it's hard and you have my empathy.
I was thinking about him only giving you an hour, like you got all the rewards in the beginning, and now he's only making the minimum investment in you as his supply/appliance. It's a common pattern.
When I went to look that up, I came across the following:
Stages of a relationship with a narcissist: idealization, devaluation, discard. The discard can be overt, or set up that their behavior is so egregious they force the other to break up with them. The cycles can repeat. Sounds like he's been devaluing you for a while and is heading for the discard. Also helpful to look up hoovering behavior that comes after the discard, flying monkeys, and smear campaigns (you said he's got people who think he's great and wouldn't believe you, they're flying monkeys and would take part in the smear if that were to happen). Really good to go total no contact with him and everyone he associates with.
GoodTherapy | Idealize, Devalue, Discard: The Dizzying Cycle of Narcissism
<img class=
Hope some of this helped. I know it's hard and you have my empathy.
they have got a name for everything nowadays!!! I've never heard of most of them. I think i know them as A holes!
We broke up. He tried to make it my problem lol... He said all my questioning of his love for me pushed him away and hurt him. Maybe I did do things wrong. I was too clingy. I was too needy. I just wanted reassurance but he couldn't do that...
