I don't agree 'you did things wrong'
I do believe however, you have done the right thing in breaking up *sending hugs*
I don't agree 'you did things wrong'
I do believe however, you have done the right thing in breaking up *sending hugs*
Proud of your courage. Hang in the the bs show may be yet to come. 
Nelos
Member
- Jan 5, 2020
- 46
Maybe you were maybe you weren't but it was the right call I think hope things get better for you.
sadstuffie
Student
- Aug 11, 2020
- 157
I'm going through the exact same thing. at first they like that you're clingy & then it changes suddenly. I'm sorry, I know it is so painful. I'm here to talk ❤
Now I just want to ctb. But I can't do it because every method is too fucking hard...
Meditation guide
Always was, is, and always shall be.
- Jun 22, 2020
- 6,089
He is a narcissist and this is what they all do. You just described the classic pattern. They ignore you, they make you feel bad. They don't give you reassurance. They don't say nice things to make you feel better. That is not how they operate. They want you to feel bad. They always make it your fault. It won't get better.
He will be back when he wants something again. It won't be about missing you. It will be about him and his needs.
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Smellanie
Member
- Feb 28, 2019
- 69
I'm so sorry you feel that way. I really really hope you get the love you deserve one day. I go through the exact same thought process multiple times a day
I know it feels that way, but that's what he conditions you to think. Not everything is your fault.
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
@OverTheRainbow, I suggest checking his behaviors against this list. They're classic narcissist and sociopath relationship ploys:
30 Red Flags of Manipulative People
1. You feel on-edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. You find yourself writing off most of their questionable behavior as accidental.www.psychopathfree.com
I found this list really useful and accurate.
Going by the premise that an amount of mental ill health is precipitated by abusive treatment from others. It was in my case.
To be fair, I think the list is more accurate for narcissists than sociopaths, and more accurate for romantic relationships than family, other interpersonal or work relationships.
"1. You feel on-edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. You find yourself writing off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive, because you're in constant competition with others for their attention and praise. They don't seem to care when you leave their side—they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy.
2. They withhold attention and undermine your self-esteem. After first hooking you with praise and flattery, they suddenly become reclusive and uninterested. They make you feel desperate & needy, ensuring that you are always the one to initiate contact or physical intimacy.
3. Plasters your Facebook page with compliments, flattery, songs, and poems. They text you dozens, if not hundreds of times per day. You come to rely on this over-communication as a source of confidence.
4. Quickly declares you their soul mate. And for some reason, you don't find it creepy. They tell you how much they have in common with you. On the first few dates, you do most of the talking and they just can't believe how perfect you are for them.
5. Compares you to everyone else in their life. Ex-lovers, friends, family members, and your eventual replacement. When idealizing, they make you feel special by telling you how much better you are than these people. When devaluing, they use these comparisons to hurt you.
6. Lies & excuses. There is always an excuse for everything, even things that don't require excusing. They make up lies faster than you can question them. They will always blame others—it is never their fault. They spend more time rationalizing their behavior than improving it.
7. No startle response. Total absence of anxiety, fear, and worry where there otherwise should be. They are also very easily bored by the familiar. You write this off as calm and cool, often feeling inferior and over-sensitive because you have normal human emotions.
8. Insults you with a condescending, joking sort of attitude. Smirks when you try to express yourself. Teasing becomes the primary mode of communication in your relationship. They subtly belittle your intelligence and achievements. If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive and crazy.
9. Uses social networking to provoke jealousy and rivalries while maintaining their cover of innocence. They once focused all of their attention on you, but now they post ambiguous videos and statuses to make you doubt your place in their heart. They bait previously denounced exes with old songs and inside jokes. They attend to new activity and ignores yours.
10. You find yourself playing detective. It's never happened in any other relationship, but suddenly you're scrolling back years on their Facebook page and albums. Same with their ex. You're seeking answers to a feeling you can't quite explain.
11. Surrounds themselves with former lovers and potential mates. Brags that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you there is nothing to worry about. These people make you feel jealous and give off the perception that your partner is in high-demand.
12. Hyperbolizes emotions while displaying none of them. They make passionate statements like "I've never felt so happy in my life" in a completely robotic voice. It sounds like an alien trying to explain how they imagine human emotions might feel.
13. You are the only one who sees their true colors. Others will think they're the nicest person in the world, even though they are used for money, resources, and attention. They won't care because he/she strategically distracts them with shallow praise (often done over social networking). Psychopaths are able to maintain superficial friendships far longer than their relationships.
14. Accuses you of emotions that they are intentionally provoking. They will call you jealous after blatantly flirting with their ex over social networking for the world to see. They will call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for three days straight.
15. Cannot put themselves in your shoes, or anyone else's for that matter. You find yourself desperately trying to explain how they might feel if you were treating them this way, and they just stare at you blankly.
16. You are engaged in constant conversations about their ex. You know them by name, and you know everything about their relationship—at least, your partner's version of events. The ex becomes one of the most frequent topics of discussion in your relationship.
17. You find yourself explaining the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown man/woman. Normal people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty and kindness. No adult should need to be told how they are making other people feel.
18. Focuses on your mistakes and ignores their own. If they're two hours late, don't forget that you were once five minutes late to your first date. If you point out their mistakes, they will always be quick to turn the conversation back on you.
19. Suddenly and completely bored by you. Gives you the silent treatment and becomes very annoyed that you seem to be interested in continuing the passionate relationship that they created. You are now a chore to them.
20. The ultimate hypocrite. They have extremely high expectations for fidelity, respect, and adoration. After the idealization phase, they will give none of this back to you. They will cheat, lie, insult, and degrade. But you are expected to remain perfect.
21. Sometimes it seems as though they've forgotten who they're supposed to be around you. They adopt different personas for different people—transforming their entire personality to match various audiences. It's always very eerie when they slip and accidentally use the wrong mask for you. You will start to feel that their personality just doesn't seem to add up.
22. An unusual amount of "crazy" people in their past. Any ex-partner or friend who did not come crawling back to them will likely be labeled jealous, bipolar, an alcoholic, or some other nasty smear. They will speak about you the same way to their next target.
23. Flatters your deepest insecurities. If you're self-conscious about your looks, they'll call you the sexiest person in the world. If you've got a need to entertain, they'll say you're the funniest person they've ever known. They will also mirror your greatest fantasies, playing whatever role is necessary to win your heart.
24. Frequently comments about what you're wearing and how you look. They try to arrange you. You become obsessed with your appearance, noticing flaws that likely don't even exist. During and after the relationship, you will spend significantly more time in front of the mirror. (Thank you to our member, ckwanderlust, for these valuable insights).
25. You fear that any fight could be your last. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but psychopaths make it clear that negative conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially ones regarding their behavior. You apologize and forgive quickly, otherwise you know they'll lose interest in you.
26. Obsessed with humiliating successful, kind & cheerful people. Delighted by the idea of breaking up friendships and marriages. If you work hard to maintain interpersonal peace in your life, they will make it their mission to uproot all of it.
27. Gaslighting. Blatantly denies their own manipulative behavior and ignores evidence when confronted with it. They will become angry if you attempt to disprove their delusions with facts.
28. They expect you to read their mind. If they stop communicating with you for several days, it's your fault for not knowing about the plans they never told you about. There will always be a self-victimizing excuse to go along with this.
29. Selfishness and a crippling thirst for attention. They drain the energy from you and consume your entire life. Their demand for adoration is insatiable. You thought you were the only one who could make them happy, but now you feel that anyone with a beating pulse could fit the role. However, the truth is: no one can fill the void of a psychopath's soul.
30. Your feelings. After a run-in with a psychopath, you will feel insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, suicidal, and empty. You will tear apart your entire life—spending money, ending friendships, and searching for some sort of reason behind it all. "
lighthousekeeper
Member
- Jun 29, 2020
- 37
Oh dear... I don't like looking at people with such simplistic terminology, I admit, but I won't lie he fit every single one of those traits. Up until the very end where I've actually now pulled away entirely from my friends out of fear that I making everyone around me miserable. I keep thinking so much about it, because he said it hurt him how I kept doubting his feelings for me. But the fact he suddenly pulled away made me worry... Yet I shoulda just trusted him right? I don't know. I don't actually know if I was in the wrong or not and now I'm worrying so much that I am the problem and I actually am just unlovable. Like now I have no energy to try with anyone because it seems my problems and sadness is just... Too stressful for people. I talked to him the other day and I said I will sort all my problems out on my own. He said he appreciated me self reflecting and he was sorry he couldn't be there for me like he wanted to be - and when I come back he'd still love to chat. I dunno, would a narcissist say something like that? I'm really conflicted rn...
clayp
Student
- Sep 24, 2020
- 140
Everyone is getting more clingy these days, we cant even give our friends a hand shake these days, I would call it clingy, but lack of human contact for example. I feel that way too.
262653
Cluesome
- Apr 5, 2018
- 1,733
I think it's important to find out what does each party want from a relationship, and what each party is willing to give. I think of prostitution. Maybe not the best example, but it's the only relevant example on my mind right now. Each party states what they give and what they get, agree on the terms, and then both proceed with the exchange. So whenever attempts at dispelling confusion, at defining out the terms of relationship, are met with anger, evasion, clown behavior and such -- anything but cooperation -- I suspect deception, I suspect that there is something the other party doesn't want me to find out, something that makes the relationship more disadvantageous for me. (Like not willing to give what I want form a relationship, or wanting to take more than I'm willing to offer.) Whatever it is, I'm do not appreciate such behavior, but I think I understand why it happens and why it keeps working.
Deleted member 23009
a flame dancing in the rain
- Oct 20, 2020
- 138
I don't think it's always about being a narcissist, that might be the case here, i'm not sure what i think myself but it's not always the case. And if it is the case he might not know it himself or have gotten any treatment for it. Sometimes in relationships things happen way too fast and once the honeymoon phase is over you reflect more in a realistic way instead of blindly following your feelings. Usually it's the case with one person withdrawing after some time of showing too much. It can't really be helped in all cases and isn't done on purpose. I've been in a similar situation several times and it really sucks. To me it sounds very familiar the way he was acting.
But end of the story you are not the problem here, he is in this case. It's not your fault that you aren't compatible anymore or that he changed. It's always the first question to go to "what did i do wrong?" "Why am i not enough?" But it really has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with him not being able to. You had every reason to doubt. Yes a relationship is about trust but also communication and how you show your feelings, and if he completely changed it's natural for you to doubt or confront him about it. I think you did the right thing, and it will get better with time. I hope you feel better now, or will do at least. It will for sure, trust me. And don't blame yourself
But end of the story you are not the problem here, he is in this case. It's not your fault that you aren't compatible anymore or that he changed. It's always the first question to go to "what did i do wrong?" "Why am i not enough?" But it really has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with him not being able to. You had every reason to doubt. Yes a relationship is about trust but also communication and how you show your feelings, and if he completely changed it's natural for you to doubt or confront him about it. I think you did the right thing, and it will get better with time. I hope you feel better now, or will do at least. It will for sure, trust me. And don't blame yourself
Serial Experi Pain
I hate me more :P
- Sep 12, 2023
- 126
