Venting I hate being awake

[Goose774]

My personal experience being awake or living is so exhausting it's like I'm forced to be present in every moment like if I was manually breathing every breath. It feels like when you're waiting for a class to end when you used to be in school right before the bell rings feeling every second before release. I've adapted to this overwhelming feeling of boredom or emptiness with chronic daydreaming, dissociating, napping, or cutting; whatever is farthest from being conscious excluding the cutting, that's pretty vivid and for emptiness more than boredom. I'm simply incompatible with life. I can't take this anymore.

 

[HopefulSleep]

I hate it before sleeping that I know that I will wake up.
Daydreaming and dissociation is painful with my hurtful thoughts.
Just play some good games until you ctb if you don't already do it, it will make it more bearable you don't have to think for yourself then.

 

[Goose774]

Unfortunately I don't have the energy to even do anything that's supposed to bring me pleasure, like TV or whatever. Except music I love music but that's like a background thing.

 

[LittleJem]

you've described your experience so vividly. Sounds like maybe anhedonia which I experienced just once and it was worse than depression for me.

I hate that our brains can keep us in this living nightmare.

 

[Goose774]

you've described your experience so vividly. Sounds like maybe anhedonia which I experienced just once and it was worse than depression for me.

I hate that our brains can keep us in this living nightmare.

I just googled what anhedonia is and that sounds like what I'm going through I'll bring that up with my counselor so maybe my time before I ctb will be more tolerable. ty

 

[FuneralCry]

I also despise being awake, existing truly is undesirable and futile to me, it's certainly tiring being conscious and aware. I really do think that not everyone is meant for existing, I'm also incompatible with existence, I just prefer the sound of permanent nothingness free from everything.