We play the hand we are dealt. I'm just fucking sick of meeting people who are fucked up as I am or more. Gay men are... well I don't get on with younger gay men and most older men may claim to have no baggage but they are just as fucked up.
I lost interest in sex this year. Just masturbating ocassionaly now.
Liking older men its like I have to come out twice. First I come out. Liking men. Then it's assumed I like pretty 'gay' men or middle aged muscle men. I don't. Eventually when people find out I like older men its assumed I am a gold digger or need a 'daddy'. Then I have to explain my like for mature men (for me it's a masculine thing and a physical development with age that turns me on). Since 10 I knew. I adore the mature physical strong body.
Plus never really being able to hold hands in public or show affection. All those negatives of being gay. I know it's easier here in the UK. At least I won't be imprisoned or tortured/killed.
And people always fucking assume gay men just want fucked, to be fucked or to suck cock.
I know it's never really greener on the other side but I like the ideal of family. Of being responsible for someone. Having a kid or two.
Whatever the case I am what I am. Just at 44 it's not worked in any positive direction. I sure as fuck don't want a relationship now. It's just time for me to go.
Yeah, being gay definitely isn't easy... I feel like I have absolutely nothing in common with at least 70 % of other gay guys. I don't find "pretty" attractive either. "Stereotypically gay" men have accused me of looking down on them a hundred times just because I wouldn't let them grope my crotch & suck me off. Don't touch my dick, I'm simply not into you & I can't help it. I'm not interested in fabulous clothes & shoes, I don't watch RuPaul's show, I don't use skincare products - that doesn't mean I suffer from internalized homophobia.
My life is extremely complicated. I was molested by my father as a boy, so I have C-PTSD (nightmares & flashbacks of abuse) & hypersexual disorder (sex addiction/compulsive sexual behavior). I'm constantly plagued by sexual thoughts, I masturbate way too much & I'm very promiscuous. I'm exclusively a top & a control freak. I'm only into other masculine, fit guys a lot of whom are versatile, which means they often think they can persuade me to bend over, which can't happen because I was abused, but I can't tell them that so I just keep saying no, but they think I'm just playing hard to get, so I have to resort to violence, & it's a wonderful world.
I have a 28-year-old bf. He's an alcoholic hustler & he was abused too, of course. I recently broke down & told him about my childhood. He's understanding & supportive, but he drinks. He's the only guy I've truly made love to, cried with, held & been held by. That means everything to me, I love him. We're getting married in 2 weeks even though I can't stop occasionally fucking other people & he still sells his body. At least he can inherit my property if I finally ctb.