Venting i hate being a suicidal woman

[moralfag]

i know this is probably a huge nothingburger problem and i apologize for making such a long post about it, but it's been an issue i've had trouble facing recently. for context, i live in a very small traditional american town.
society is very male centered in my area. not to say that men can't have problems, as i've met plenty of men who were super kind and dealt with their own issues, but there's always just a divide between me and any man i've met.
no matter how connected i think me and a man are, there's always a comment or something that ruins my opinion on them. when a man is loud and obnoxious it's funny, but when a woman does the same exact thing it's somehow "annoying and corny".? when a man is a huge fan of a game or series it's "cute and nerdy" but when a woman does it she's "larping and cringe".
when i was younger, i thought maybe i was transgender (i have long since come to the conclusion that i am not), since most of my interests were more "male-dominated". (history, competitive gaming, heavy metal, etc) whenever i tried to express an interest in any of those topics it was always "you're doing it for male attention" or "women can't like that". i wanted to be considered a fan of these things, not "a FEMALE fan."
my sister (who is a trans woman and was at the time presenting as male) had no issues making online friends to play video games with. when i tried, it was only ever guys that wanted to hit on me or use me as a way to bash other women. (they would say things like "wow you're the only normal woman i've met every other woman is so weird and gets creeped out when i make rape jokes!" even though i was clearly uncomfortable with it.)
not to mention i am ugly. very ugly. in person, men are rude to me since i am "unattractive". even men who are double my age with wives will be rude to me simply for the fact they don't find me attractive. i was bullied throughout school for being ugly. guys i had never even spoken to before would make fun of me and harass me for existing. when i was raped it was a huge joke because i was so ugly it was funny that someone even wanted to rape me. whenever i expressed discomfort around my rapist it was always "aren't you being too harsh? he's just a guy and he makes mistakes".
in high school women were just expected to be more mature than their male counterparts. the guys in my grade were allowed to harass, assault, and bully women because they were just "immature men", but women weren't allowed to even say a single negative word about it.
i'm really cautious around men and i don't know how not to be. i know that my negative experiences with men don't make every man a bad person, but whenever i meet a man my first thought is "i wonder what he hates about women". i don't want to feel like this all the time. i want to be able to talk to men without this crippling fear and make friends but it's hard. i know it sounds stupid. i want people to see me as a human being and not just "oh she's a woman".
sorry for the long rant post, i didn't know where else to write this. i love all of you.

 

[Secro]

The people around you seem to be really awful, I'm just saying that women can have such interests too and I don't see what that has to do with gender at all.

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

This is not a nothing burger, you have a right to feel this way

 

[InfatuatedLove]

That really sucks, i am sorry. People can be awful, i know that well. Alot of the world feels stuck in the same broken patterns, like everyone gets territorialized into roles that just keep reproducing the same harm over and over and oveeer... I do not know if that ever changes, but i really hope people eventually find some kind of way out of it, toward something more open. Wishing you the best

 

[MessyNonsense]

Man people fucking suck. I don't even know where to begin, i'm just so sorry that all that has happened to you.

For what it's worth, moving out of that town might open you up to having some better experiences with men and people in general, if moving is at all an option for you. There are bad people everywhere but some places definitely seem to have higher concentrations than others, and an urban place especially the really big urban places like new york or chicago---are gonna have more sub-communities of people who are accepting, who've been through similar shit, who don't tolerate rapists and sexism, and who won't be cruel about your looks because we're ugly mf'ers too!

Sending support

 

[deadanddecomposing]

I feel this so much. Being a woman sucks. So many men can't understand the horrible feeling that is longing to be a man, not because you feel connected to manhood, but because you long to be seen as an equal. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be considered. I even just want to be acknowledged.

 

[current93]

i relate, for a woman life itself is a punishment

 

[YourLocalEdgelord]

whenever i expressed discomfort around my rapist it was always "aren't you being too harsh? he's just a guy and he makes mistakes".

That makes me so furious. This is why I hate humanity. Disgusting. I don't know what else to say.