I guess this is goodbye

[Diesel_Punk]

I know i havent been the most active member of this site but what can I say? Dying alone really sucks and I need somewhere to talk. I'm currently at work listening to Pink Floyd's "The Wall" for a last time. When my shift is up I'm going to take my time and take several detours as I walk home to take in what I am leaving for one last time. Once I'm there I'll clean up my dump of an apartment, write a short note, make a quick sweep of all of my electronic devices, have one last glass of craft beer. Affix the rope, stand on the stool, put my head in the noose and kick the support away and that is going to be how this farce of a life ends.

I haven't been on here a lot but from what I have experienced you guy's really "get it" and I thank you for your, even passive, understanding.

Cheers.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I hope you find the peace you are looking for

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I hope you find the peace you couldn't find here

 

[motel rooms]

I hope everything goes well

 

[Sslsh]

I hope you find peace. Hanging triggers crazy si for me so I do hope you're able to pass peacefully.

 

[Diesel_Punk]

I hope you find peace. Hanging triggers crazy si for me so I do hope you're able to pass peacefully.

It's not really my first choice either but it's the best I can do with what I've got...

 

[hʚll]

i wish you peace on the other side, you deserve it after having lived in this hell
<3

 

[puppet_nihilist]

I'm sorry it's gotten to this point for you. I hope your suffering doesn't prolong and that you find peace in your decision, with no more pain...

 

[xkonstantinexx]

I hope you find what you seek and I hope everything goes as planned.

 

[Ruinedlifex]

Sending you love ❤

 

[FuneralCry]

If this is what you want then I wish you peace.

 

[Diesel_Punk]

I'm home now.
Fuck, it's getting serious now...
Next order of business is to clean up both physically and digitally. I'm less conflicted than I thought I would be but tears still flow because of the pain I'm bringing upon my family.

Thank you for sticking with me guys, it means a lot to me.

 

[miserableforever]

I'm home now.
Fuck, it's getting serious now...
Next order of business is to clean up both physically and digitally. I'm less conflicted than I thought I would be but tears still flow because of the pain I'm bringing upon my family.

Thank you for sticking with me guys, it means a lot to me.

I'm home now.
Fuck, it's getting serious now...
Next order of business is to clean up both physically and digitally. I'm less conflicted than I thought I would be but tears still flow because of the pain I'm bringing upon my family.

Thank you for sticking with me guys, it means a lot to me.

I don't say much on here either. I hope your plans are what you wanted them to be. Safe travels!

 

[hʚll]

I'm home now.
Fuck, it's getting serious now...
Next order of business is to clean up both physically and digitally. I'm less conflicted than I thought I would be but tears still flow because of the pain I'm bringing upon my family.

Thank you for sticking with me guys, it means a lot to me.

just wanna say that of course we as community are here for you, and support your choice, because you more than anyone knows what is best for yourself.
i also hope that if you decide to ctb, your family will have the empathy to realize that you were suffering so much and that you are in a better place. if you choose to stay, ss is always here with you.
peace!

 

[NoPointToContinue]

Do you wanna talk why you decided on ctb? Is there really no other way for you? We are here to listen if you want to share your feelings and thoughts

 

[Alwaysdreaming]

I hope you find the peace you are looking.

 

[Diesel_Punk]

Shit just hit me differently once I got home and I was overwhelmed with the implications of what I was about to do and had a breakdown plus I've made the mistake of calling my dad and talking about random stuff for an hour, made me feel like a real piece of shit. I am still really dreading waking up tomorrow and the noose is already tied and not going anywhere but needless to say I won't be able to do it tonight.
I will update this thread when I find the strength to finally do what needs to be done but until then I guess I am stuck between feeling like an asshole for leaving and like a pussy for not doing what needs to be done.

Thank you all for bearing with me and goodnight

 

[Alwaysdreaming]

Shit just hit me differently once I got home and I was overwhelmed with the implications of what I was about to do and had a breakdown plus I've made the mistake of calling my dad and talking about random stuff for an hour, made me feel like a real piece of shit. I am still really dreading waking up tomorrow and the noose is already tied and not going anywhere but needless to say I won't be able to do it tonight.
I will update this thread when I find the strength to finally do what needs to be done but until then I guess I am stuck between feeling like an asshole for leaving and like a pussy for not doing what needs to be done.

Thank you all for bearing with me and goodnight

Don't beat yourself up if your not ready your not ready. You just do what you can the best you can. I haven't been with this community long but I don't feel people will judge you for not going through with it. I really do believe most would rather not see someone die.

 

[Diesel_Punk]

Don't beat yourself up if your not ready your not ready. You just do what you can the best you can. I haven't been with this community long but I don't feel people will judge you for not going through with it. I really do believe most would rather not see someone die.

I really don't want to make this seem like I'm leading anyone on here, I simply related today's events and likewise (despite what certain news outlets would have you believe) no one here pressured me into anything. As I said, dying alone really sucks and I won't be making any new goodbye threads and update this one once I feel that I have grown a pair and am ready to finally go through with it and I have the feeling it will be soon.

But as for now the downwards spiral of depression, self-hatred and bad decisions continues...

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I really don't want to make this seem like I'm leading anyone on here, I simply related today's events and likewise (despite what certain news outlets would have you believe). As I said, dying alone really sucks and I won't be making any new goodbye threads and update this one once I feel that I have grown a pair and am ready to finally go through with it and I have the feeling it will be soon.

But as for now the downwards spiral of depression, self-hatred and bad decisions continues...

Don't feel bad. I've been close a few times and couldn't go through with it. Fear mixed with hurting family and friends. Whatever you decide, you have our support.

 

[theunderdog]

Sending you Love. I understand your desperate feeling to ctb. I have it almost daily these days. I paint a mask on when I get up.

 

[ghoulish.fool]

I really don't want to make this seem like I'm leading anyone on here, I simply related today's events and likewise (despite what certain news outlets would have you believe) no one here pressured me into anything. As I said, dying alone really sucks and I won't be making any new goodbye threads and update this one once I feel that I have grown a pair and am ready to finally go through with it and I have the feeling it will be soon.

But as for now the downwards spiral of depression, self-hatred and bad decisions continues...

You should never equate not going through with it as not "growing a pair". It is a huge decision and survival instinct is wild. You're not lesser for not choosing to CTB nor is anyone lesser for choosing to CTB. It's terrifying. Many people are suicidal for years and haven't or never go through with it. I'm 10+ years myself.

This is a place to acknowledge your own agency to make that decision and that it is your absolute right to choose when you die, if anyone decides that for themselves. I can't imagine anyone having negative feelings towards you for backing out - we understand.

I'm sorry for the pain that followed your decision today. Just please try to understand that it is okay that you backed out. Maybe treat yourself kindly in any way you can today and the following days. Eating junk food, getting off, take an extra long shower, browse funny videos so you can laugh, anything. After something like this, you deserve kindness from yourself if nobody else.

 

[Crod68]

I stood on the stool 2 or 3x over a monthlong period, even duct taped hands so I couldn't find a way to save myself after pushing off.

Couldn't do it either, and wish I'd gone through these test runs before because I'd done some things sort of assuming I could just easily CTB if they didn't go well.

 

[miserableforever]

Shit just hit me differently once I got home and I was overwhelmed with the implications of what I was about to do and had a breakdown plus I've made the mistake of calling my dad and talking about random stuff for an hour, made me feel like a real piece of shit. I am still really dreading waking up tomorrow and the noose is already tied and not going anywhere but needless to say I won't be able to do it tonight.
I will update this thread when I find the strength to finally do what needs to be done but until then I guess I am stuck between feeling like an asshole for leaving and like a pussy for not doing what needs to be done.

Thank you all for bearing with me and goodnight

All that 'needs' to be done is what makes you feel better, ctb or not.

 

[Diesel_Punk]

Thank you all for the kind words but what happened yesterday really was not a display of agency but rather one of weakness since I have already made the rational decision to ctb which I stand by today. SI is indeed a powerful thing so I guess the only way forward for me is to wait for the right impulse and have everything ready and accessible when the time comes.

Anyways, I'm off to work now. Let's see what beautiful facettes of the human experience I would have missed out on...

 

[Jumping_realms]

I really don't want to make this seem like I'm leading anyone on here, I simply related today's events and likewise (despite what certain news outlets would have you believe) no one here pressured me into anything. As I said, dying alone really sucks and I won't be making any new goodbye threads and update this one once I feel that I have grown a pair and am ready to finally go through with it and I have the feeling it will be soon.

But as for now the downwards spiral of depression, self-hatred and bad decisions continues...

You are good, man. You certainly aren't leading ppl on, I think we all know how severe SI is, and it's different for everyone for every method.

Whenever you are comfortable or feel like reporting back, people will be here for you.

 

[sadstargazer231]

There are no expectations or judgement here. Rather, I wish you relief from torment and peace. You do not need to justify your decisions to anyone. Hoping you find the peace you are seeking. Meanwhile, know that others care, me included.

 

[insanedoomer]

RIP .

 

[toforigivelife]

Shit just hit me differently once I got home and I was overwhelmed with the implications of what I was about to do and had a breakdown plus I've made the mistake of calling my dad and talking about random stuff for an hour, made me feel like a real piece of shit. I am still really dreading waking up tomorrow and the noose is already tied and not going anywhere but needless to say I won't be able to do it tonight.
I will update this thread when I find the strength to finally do what needs to be done but until then I guess I am stuck between feeling like an asshole for leaving and like a pussy for not doing what needs to be done.

Thank you all for bearing with me and goodnight

Not wanting to live but not being ready to die is hell. Being caught between those two feelings.

I know you wish it was all over but I'm glad that you decided to wait. When in doubt, don't. What's that line from the song from the movie MASH that was also used for the t.v. show? "...and I can take or leave it if I please."

Deep down in all of us there is this nagging primal need to remain alive, a primal fear of death.

I bet if you had a more peaceful method or - joy of all joys - you could make it look like natural causes you might have gone through with it.

All I can do is to truly wish you the best. I wish there was a safe, peaceful place for suicidal people to go.

I think we all fear being locked up in a psychiatric ward and having our homes or rooms ransacked and our methods being confiscated if we tell anyone that we'd like to end our lives.

I wish there places we could go, take a break and just have someone listen to us.

I wish there was a way for us to convince those who would be hurt by our suicide that they shouldn't be hurt, feel guilty or anything. I wish we could eliminate the pain we might cause others by convincing them that this is our choice.

Sorry to ramble.

If something stopped you I'm glad you listened to that something.

 

[Diesel_Punk]

Thank you again for the kind words, I really appreciate them.

It has been a while so I thought it wouldn't hurt to give a bit of an update to those who are interested for whatever reason. Since the day I've not killed myself (I really wanted to but my body kinda froze up and I physically couldn't get myself to put that rope around my neck) I really tried embracing life and the whole positive thinking spiel but in the end I've gotten only confirmation that life is indeed not for me and I hope that I will soon be able to do what needs to be done.

I will be staying with my family for a couple of weeks now (I will be going on Monday) and I don't know if it will make it easier or harder for them or me to deal with me catching the bus once I get back. I just hope that I will not waiver when the time comes to leave for good.

Thanks for bearing with me