sspkky
Member
- Mar 27, 2025
- 12
I've been out of my home countryy for about 2 years. I've pressured myself to move since I had to choose a universityersity but didn't do it in time,, and to not "waste time,," I came here on the advicevice of my sister (she always wanted me to come here).
I didn't have many friends but a few good ones; the majority were on the other side of the country.
Now that I'm here,, I have 1 friend. He's nice to hang outt with, but I'm not attached to him.
Even if I always had my friends live far away from me,, it never bothered me until now... I feell like shit; I tried to make friends here,, but it's so exhausting. Every Every time Ight I made one for a reason or another,, they had to go away, and I hate that every time I'm on Discord,, my friends that live near each other plan to do stuff IRL.
I even had monetary problems since I came, since I had to find a job to pay rent, but when I finally found it (12 months after I came here), I realizedd that I took too much time,, and now I am going to to be kicked out from the school, and becausecause of that,, I even wasted more time.
I have always wanted to die since I was 13 (now I'm 20,, almost 21); I would always set "deadlines,"first to 18, 21,, and 23.
But now I'm at a point where I don't have the energy to sustain myself, and I think I'll just do it the next time I have a breakdown.
One day I was talking (on Discord) with "L" (I metet her 1 time, less than 1 year ago, at a birthday party) and told her about how how I feel while I was under drugs (suicidal thoughts,, etc.),), and I did it because I thought she could understand how I feel since she said something thatat really resonated with me.
After that she worried about me; I didn't want this to happen; I wanted to die without anyone knowing it; I feel it's easier emotionally, but because of that she told my sister…about everything…in detail. I felt betrayed,, but I understood she wanted to "help me." Now my sister (more like a mother to me) is worried, and I let her "help me" since every every time Id say no,, she would start to cry. I feel like it's easier for people to accept my death if they "tried."
I never wanted anyone to cry for me while I'm alive; I felt so bad. My friend group was supposed to come here yesterday to stay here for 4 days, but after this happened,, they canceled the trip since they would not feel comfortable.
I've been thinking about them coming over for 3 months; it was the only thing I could think of, and I was destroyed when they said they didn't want to come anymore since they thoughtt that I would kill myself after they would have gone away.
The worst part is that I started liking "L" but can't do shit about it. I feel like my perception of her is distorted. For me, my friends abroad are everything, but for them I'm the guy they hear at 11pm.
I didn't feel I had a chance with her from the start, but I would dream about being a thing; now it's impossible. She had friends that did SA, and one of them died. I don't want to do this to her, but it's not a problem because I think she doesn't want to to either and can't think of me in that way anymore.
So, now everyone knows about me and wants to help me, but from my point of view,, I think it's impossible. I just do what they say so they can feel they are doing something, but I don't know if I should try to "hang with them while I can" so I can die happier or try leave them silently so they would feel "less bad" when I die; regarding my sister, i don't think i can help her.
All of this wouldn't have happened if I didn't tell anyone; I regret this so much. I hate that I made people worry about me; I wanted to die without eyes on. Now I can't just not feel guilt.
TLDR: "i told my 'crush' that i wanted to kill myself while under the influence of drugs, and now i've deleted every chance i had to be happy with my friends before dying"
I didn't have many friends but a few good ones; the majority were on the other side of the country.
Now that I'm here,, I have 1 friend. He's nice to hang outt with, but I'm not attached to him.
Even if I always had my friends live far away from me,, it never bothered me until now... I feell like shit; I tried to make friends here,, but it's so exhausting. Every Every time Ight I made one for a reason or another,, they had to go away, and I hate that every time I'm on Discord,, my friends that live near each other plan to do stuff IRL.
I even had monetary problems since I came, since I had to find a job to pay rent, but when I finally found it (12 months after I came here), I realizedd that I took too much time,, and now I am going to to be kicked out from the school, and becausecause of that,, I even wasted more time.
I have always wanted to die since I was 13 (now I'm 20,, almost 21); I would always set "deadlines,"first to 18, 21,, and 23.
But now I'm at a point where I don't have the energy to sustain myself, and I think I'll just do it the next time I have a breakdown.
One day I was talking (on Discord) with "L" (I metet her 1 time, less than 1 year ago, at a birthday party) and told her about how how I feel while I was under drugs (suicidal thoughts,, etc.),), and I did it because I thought she could understand how I feel since she said something thatat really resonated with me.
After that she worried about me; I didn't want this to happen; I wanted to die without anyone knowing it; I feel it's easier emotionally, but because of that she told my sister…about everything…in detail. I felt betrayed,, but I understood she wanted to "help me." Now my sister (more like a mother to me) is worried, and I let her "help me" since every every time Id say no,, she would start to cry. I feel like it's easier for people to accept my death if they "tried."
I never wanted anyone to cry for me while I'm alive; I felt so bad. My friend group was supposed to come here yesterday to stay here for 4 days, but after this happened,, they canceled the trip since they would not feel comfortable.
I've been thinking about them coming over for 3 months; it was the only thing I could think of, and I was destroyed when they said they didn't want to come anymore since they thoughtt that I would kill myself after they would have gone away.
The worst part is that I started liking "L" but can't do shit about it. I feel like my perception of her is distorted. For me, my friends abroad are everything, but for them I'm the guy they hear at 11pm.
I didn't feel I had a chance with her from the start, but I would dream about being a thing; now it's impossible. She had friends that did SA, and one of them died. I don't want to do this to her, but it's not a problem because I think she doesn't want to to either and can't think of me in that way anymore.
So, now everyone knows about me and wants to help me, but from my point of view,, I think it's impossible. I just do what they say so they can feel they are doing something, but I don't know if I should try to "hang with them while I can" so I can die happier or try leave them silently so they would feel "less bad" when I die; regarding my sister, i don't think i can help her.
All of this wouldn't have happened if I didn't tell anyone; I regret this so much. I hate that I made people worry about me; I wanted to die without eyes on. Now I can't just not feel guilt.
TLDR: "i told my 'crush' that i wanted to kill myself while under the influence of drugs, and now i've deleted every chance i had to be happy with my friends before dying"
