Story I find comfort in my depression

[PublicDiary0606]

TW: Self Harm, attempted CTB

It has been 5 years since I attempted to CTB by hanging (was interfered by a member of my family long story short). I was 16 at that time and I fell into a really deep depression. To this day, the memory of living during that time still haunts me, to the point where I would have vivid dreams about it. I am currently 21, living my life to the best I can and trying my best not to fall again. I excelled really well in my tertiary studies and managed to save enough money to buy myself a motorcycle ( it's my childhood dream to ride one). I am no longer alone in this world like I was back when I was a teenager as I have made meaningful friends and strengthened my relationships with my family. What I am living right now might seem like a dream to my teenage self. Despite all of that, the lingering feeling of emptiness of this cold world still lurks in my heart. I can't help but think that I do not deserve all of this. The idea of leaving this world comforts me because of that. I yearned to have what I have right now, especially the relationships that I have. However, it doesn't seem to outweigh the emptiness that I have. For some reason, I am so used to the struggle and being alone in this world. I'm living in the most peaceful moment in my life and I still find it uncomfortable. The idea of me being genuinely happy and content just seems unrealistic. And for that I hate myself. What's stopping me from harming myself, is adding more scars to my body that would worry the people that love me. It is also the same reason why I can't ctb because I couldn't bare to hurt them even more. But I do wish I did not exist. I feel as though I do not deserve a place in this world.

 

[The Burning Fool]

I very much relate. Memento mori is a fine tool for introspection, no matter if one's actively suicidal or not.

 

[shura]

Hey. Hope this message finds you well. I feel as if you saying that you have this dream, this urge to buy a motorcycle, I find it beautiful. I really wish all the best for you in this journey. The fact that you have these feelings, you feel "comfort", even in sorrow, those emotions make you feel alive, don't they? You have this feeling that you don't wanna hurt your close ones, which is so good. I am truly sure that they feel the same. No one would wish you any harm. Emotions make you human, and all humans have a place here in the world. You matter, whether you think it or not. Truly wish all the best for you and best of luck .

 

[PublicDiary0606]

Hey. Hope this message finds you well. I feel as if you saying that you have this dream, this urge to buy a motorcycle, I find it beautiful. I really wish all the best for you in this journey. The fact that you have these feelings, you feel "comfort", even in sorrow, those emotions make you feel alive, don't they? You have this feeling that you don't wanna hurt your close ones, which is so good. I am truly sure that they feel the same. No one would wish you any harm. Emotions make you human, and all humans have a place here in the world. You matter, whether you think it or not. Truly wish all the best for you and best of luck .

God... I've never really had someone explain it to me that way. It does bring some light to what I'm feeling and you acknowledging my childhood dream as beautiful really makes me feel better. Again, I really thank you for reading and replying to my thread.

 

[BojackHorseman]

I feel so much like you do! Long story short (more info in my profile) is that my teenage life SUCKED and was full of abuse. Now as an adult I am in a wonderful marriage and we do fairly well for ourselves. I adore my husband and spending time with him. But part of me, a large part, still has a profound sadness in my chest that won't go away. I have the desire to cut myself again, but I know it would scare him. I want to just drink myself into oblivion, but that would upset him. I have a severe cognitive dissonance: I want so badly to be with my husband every waking moment for forever, but I also wish to die so this pain in my chest will go away. But I can't, cause he would be devastated. He would be devastated if he read how I really feel inside. The guilt of causing him pain keeps me here and from hurting myself.

I'm sorry you feel this way too. But it's great that you still have desires and goals, like a motorcycle. I have the same goal! My husband just got a 22 harley davidson nightster and is in love with it. I'm wanting to learn to ride too, but I'm starting with something cheaper, like an old harley street 500.

I read in a self help book that we can't spend years with our minds thinking one way, and then expect to be able to just up and stop. So maybe don't be too hard on yourself for still having those feelings. Try to retrain your brain. When you have those negative thoughts, try to shift your thinking to something positive like your motorcycle. Easier said than done I know. But it's a process, it takes time to undo years of negativity and pain. Please don't hate yourself because you couldnt just change your thought patterns in a snap. You deserve to exist and you deserve happiness and comfort. I really hope you find peace and comfort one day, and safe travels on your motorcycle.

 

[PublicDiary0606]

I feel so much like you do! Long story short (more info in my profile) is that my teenage life SUCKED and was full of abuse. Now as an adult I am in a wonderful marriage and we do fairly well for ourselves. I adore my husband and spending time with him. But part of me, a large part, still has a profound sadness in my chest that won't go away. I have the desire to cut myself again, but I know it would scare him. I want to just drink myself into oblivion, but that would upset him. I have a severe cognitive dissonance: I want so badly to be with my husband every waking moment for forever, but I also wish to die so this pain in my chest will go away. But I can't, cause he would be devastated. He would be devastated if he read how I really feel inside. The guilt of causing him pain keeps me here and from hurting myself.

I'm sorry you feel this way too. But it's great that you still have desires and goals, like a motorcycle. I have the same goal! My husband just got a 22 harley davidson nightster and is in love with it. I'm wanting to learn to ride too, but I'm starting with something cheaper, like an old harley street 500.

I read in a self help book that we can't spend years with our minds thinking one way, and then expect to be able to just up and stop. So maybe don't be too hard on yourself for still having those feelings. Try to retrain your brain. When you have those negative thoughts, try to shift your thinking to something positive like your motorcycle. Easier said than done I know. But it's a process, it takes time to undo years of negativity and pain. Please don't hate yourself because you couldnt just change your thought patterns in a snap. You deserve to exist and you deserve happiness and comfort. I really hope you find peace and comfort one day, and safe travels on your motorcycle.

Sorry to hear someone else who does feel what I'm feeling. But is also kinda comforting to know that we're not alone. I am glad that your environment got much better as compared to your teenage life. I do realise that acknowledging the good things that in our current life is the first step to appreciating it so I've been trying to practice that as much as I can! As a bonus, I'll keep your tips in mind and I'm sure it helps. As long as I have the will to continue moving forward, I'll do my best to improve on what I can.
PS: It's great to know that theres someone with the same interest as me! Best wishes to you in learning how to ride a motorcycle! It'll be alot of fun and it gives you a sense of freedom. But please be safe on the roads. Planning to get a Yamaha R1M by the end of next year.