returntothevoid
curiosity kills
- Jul 20, 2023
- 94
When I was in college (I dropped out) sophomore year I had this suite mate. I've had crushes before but nothing like this. They would always notice I was down and try and cheer me up. I was always sad and mopey all the time and frankly didn't have much to offer as a person but for some reason they were always super nice to me. They were actually the one that invited me to be roommates with them.
They were quite the character but something about them always drew me to them. Then out of the blue they would randomly corner me against walls and jokingly try to kiss me. I thought they were just taking the piss outta me and being dumb but looking back I'm not so sure. Either way it's always left a lasting impression. I remember driving home one day and just feeling this emotion so intensely I've never felt in my life for anyone while thinking about them. I have always been emotionally unavailable due to my depression but this person really threw me in for a loop. Then one day I was slouching on the kitchen counter and they came up to me and asked me what was wrong. I said "nothing". Then again, out of the blue they asked if I had a crush on someone. I stammered no. And then they pointed to themself, smiling, and asked "is it me?". I just remember feeling so embarrassed and sweating a lot and reflexively said "what! No!". And that was that. But looking back I was just feeling a little humiliated because I thought there was no chance they would ever have feelings for me, so probably out of self defense I lied. It's hard to be vulnerable with your feelings for someone when your self esteem is so abysmally low.
About a week later they came back to the dorm with their new partner, and I just remember telling myself "well of course they found someone". I also felt relieved because I knew they deserved to be happy, and I also knew that was their first relationship. I thought I'd move on from them but I never did.
I don't know why I'm posting this here but the closer I feel I'm coming to ending it all I can't stop thinking about that. Maybe I just need to vent about it somewhere because I never talked about this crush with anyone. That I got to feel like what it's like to be so head over heels for someone you feel like you'll never in your life find that feeling again. I also have a lot of regret for not being truthful. Maybe they were just joking around but at least I wouldn't be left wondering. These days I just feel grateful I got to experience that emotion before I die. I really doubt I'll find someone like that again and feel as strongly as I did.
They were quite the character but something about them always drew me to them. Then out of the blue they would randomly corner me against walls and jokingly try to kiss me. I thought they were just taking the piss outta me and being dumb but looking back I'm not so sure. Either way it's always left a lasting impression. I remember driving home one day and just feeling this emotion so intensely I've never felt in my life for anyone while thinking about them. I have always been emotionally unavailable due to my depression but this person really threw me in for a loop. Then one day I was slouching on the kitchen counter and they came up to me and asked me what was wrong. I said "nothing". Then again, out of the blue they asked if I had a crush on someone. I stammered no. And then they pointed to themself, smiling, and asked "is it me?". I just remember feeling so embarrassed and sweating a lot and reflexively said "what! No!". And that was that. But looking back I was just feeling a little humiliated because I thought there was no chance they would ever have feelings for me, so probably out of self defense I lied. It's hard to be vulnerable with your feelings for someone when your self esteem is so abysmally low.
About a week later they came back to the dorm with their new partner, and I just remember telling myself "well of course they found someone". I also felt relieved because I knew they deserved to be happy, and I also knew that was their first relationship. I thought I'd move on from them but I never did.
I don't know why I'm posting this here but the closer I feel I'm coming to ending it all I can't stop thinking about that. Maybe I just need to vent about it somewhere because I never talked about this crush with anyone. That I got to feel like what it's like to be so head over heels for someone you feel like you'll never in your life find that feeling again. I also have a lot of regret for not being truthful. Maybe they were just joking around but at least I wouldn't be left wondering. These days I just feel grateful I got to experience that emotion before I die. I really doubt I'll find someone like that again and feel as strongly as I did.
