Venting I feel unjustified in wanting to die

[Its almost time!]

i have been suicidal in some way for as long as I can remember. Whether passive ideation or active, I have never truly wanted to continue existing. The part that makes me feel different (which could also be totally irrational), is that I don't have a good reason for wanting to ctb. I see so many people on this site venting about their series of unfortunate events and devastating things in their life. I don't have trauma. I don't really have unfortunate current circumstances. There is no rational reason to explain why I want to cbt. My whole life i have felt an overwhelming and all encompassing feeling of nothingness and grey. I don't really get happy, but i don't feel negative emotions in a very strong way either. My life just feels completely without meaning or substance. But I know I am important to people. My family. If and when I do eventually cbt, my family's lives will be in shambles. As bad as this may be to say, this does not bring me major guilt. I will be dead and thus unable to care. Of course, in deciding death, I am knowingly committing this immoral act. But who cares? Not me. And that is precisely why I don't want to live; because i don't care about anything and i don't want anything. i am in a constant state of melancholy and death, being the ultimate neutrality, is objectively better than the negative state I am in currently.

I apologize if my style of writing is blunt or overly formal, I am autistic and people have always told me I talk too formally.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Good thread. You have actually pointed out very valid reasons (to me) for wanting to die.

 

[3rdworldsadness]

Every reasons of wanting to die is valid in my opinion. Nobody choosed any of this system, nobody choose to live in confusion. And there's no judgement in wanting to die I hope you can have peace.

 

[whatever000]

I'm new here and I keep seeing CTB, I thought it was CBT at first (cognitive behavior therapy) but the context didn't make sense, it seems to be a replacement term for suicide… I googled it and didn't find anything… what does it mean?

 

[iw2begone]

I'm new here and I keep seeing CTB, I thought it was CBT at first (cognitive behavior therapy) but the context didn't make sense, it seems to be a replacement term for suicide… I googled it and didn't find anything… what does it mean?

death, like cross the barrier, catch the bus, etc

as for the thread - all your feelings are valid no matter their source. if it's truly what you want, don't let semantics or ego stop you, but make sure it's what you want.

 

[whatever000]

i have been suicidal in some way for as long as I can remember. Whether passive ideation or active, I have never truly wanted to continue existing. The part that makes me feel different (which could also be totally irrational), is that I don't have a good reason for wanting to ctb. I see so many people on this site venting about their series of unfortunate events and devastating things in their life. I don't have trauma. I don't really have unfortunate current circumstances. There is no rational reason to explain why I want to cbt. My whole life i have felt an overwhelming and all encompassing feeling of nothingness and grey. I don't really get happy, but i don't feel negative emotions in a very strong way either. My life just feels completely without meaning or substance. But I know I am important to people. My family. If and when I do eventually cbt, my family's lives will be in shambles. As bad as this may be to say, this does not bring me major guilt. I will be dead and thus unable to care. Of course, in deciding death, I am knowingly committing this immoral act. But who cares? Not me. And that is precisely why I don't want to live; because i don't care about anything and i don't want anything. i am in a constant state of melancholy and death, being the ultimate neutrality, is objectively better than the negative state I am in currently.

I apologize if my style of writing is blunt or overly formal, I am autistic and people have always told me I talk too formally.

maybe being autistic is part of it.
You say you don't have any trauma. But living in this world that isn't made for us, it's a challenge. Everything is just far too much work and there's this dull sense of not belonging. For me it's like a party that most people enjoy having fun in, many people fight to get into, and I'm like, yeah I don't need this party. Lots of parts of it suck… and I can see objectively how people enjoy parts of it sometimes I actually can too (tho easy to forget while I want to die) but like…. Still despite my awareness that there's many moments I manage to somewhat enjoy this delusional party, I'd rather not be in it. That's how I feel when I want to die.

I am on the spectrum too.
Needing to function takes too much. And I'm constantly dissapointed in the world sround me. All the normal things normal people are excited about and thrilled for.

Like being fans of celebrities. I just look at the cheering in concerts confused. Like what is wrong with them it's just people?

Or standing in long long lines for experiences… I'm like nothing, not one experience is worth me standing in such a long line for…

There's just all these things people seem to care so much about. I can't care enough….

So I get it.

I'm just trying to do the neuroplasticity thing where I brainwash myself into enjoying life just enough that I can wait it out and see what happens. I feel like I'm watching a bad movie that I have already realized it pretty bad quality, but I wanna wait until the end just in case there's any payoff that makes the whole thing worth it maybe some type of a conceptual ending that is like ok that was very poorly shot but some sense in the end I don't know. We'll see. I might just walk out of the movie theater before it's done if it keeps sucking this bad.

 

[booplesnoot34]

i have been suicidal in some way for as long as I can remember. Whether passive ideation or active, I have never truly wanted to continue existing. The part that makes me feel different (which could also be totally irrational), is that I don't have a good reason for wanting to ctb. I see so many people on this site venting about their series of unfortunate events and devastating things in their life. I don't have trauma. I don't really have unfortunate current circumstances. There is no rational reason to explain why I want to cbt. My whole life i have felt an overwhelming and all encompassing feeling of nothingness and grey. I don't really get happy, but i don't feel negative emotions in a very strong way either. My life just feels completely without meaning or substance. But I know I am important to people. My family. If and when I do eventually cbt, my family's lives will be in shambles. As bad as this may be to say, this does not bring me major guilt. I will be dead and thus unable to care. Of course, in deciding death, I am knowingly committing this immoral act. But who cares? Not me. And that is precisely why I don't want to live; because i don't care about anything and i don't want anything. i am in a constant state of melancholy and death, being the ultimate neutrality, is objectively better than the negative state I am in currently.

I apologize if my style of writing is blunt or overly formal, I am autistic and people have always told me I talk too formally.

Maybe some sort of advanced depression treatment or something could work for you. TMS, ketamine, etc. I'd recommend trying those before CTB, because if your life circumstances are otherwise not screwed, you might actually have a chance at recovery.

maybe being autistic is part of it.
You say you don't have any trauma. But living in this world that isn't made for us, it's a challenge. Everything is just far too much work and there's this dull sense of not belonging. For me it's like a party that most people enjoy having fun in, many people fight to get into, and I'm like, yeah I don't need this party. Lots of parts of it suck… and I can see objectively how people enjoy parts of it sometimes I actually can too (tho easy to forget while I want to die) but like…. Still despite my awareness that there's many moments I manage to somewhat enjoy this delusional party, I'd rather not be in it. That's how I feel when I want to die.

I am on the spectrum too.
Needing to function takes too much. And I'm constantly dissapointed in the world sround me. All the normal things normal people are excited about and thrilled for.

Like being fans of celebrities. I just look at the cheering in concerts confused. Like what is wrong with them it's just people?

Or standing in long long lines for experiences… I'm like nothing, not one experience is worth me standing in such a long line for…

There's just all these things people seem to care so much about. I can't care enough….

So I get it.

I'm just trying to do the neuroplasticity thing where I brainwash myself into enjoying life just enough that I can wait it out and see what happens. I feel like I'm watching a bad movie that I have already realized it pretty bad quality, but I wanna wait until the end just in case there's any payoff that makes the whole thing worth it maybe some type of a conceptual ending that is like ok that was very poorly shot but some sense in the end I don't know. We'll see. I might just walk out of the movie theater before it's done if it keeps sucking this bad.

I'm also autistic and being disabled in an ableist world is a type of trauma itself. We never truly belong or get to experience life unchained like neurotypicals. The little things add up. That's why so many of us have C-PTSD.

 

[whatsleftover]

(just my take), i don't think there exists a valid external reason for suicide. it's the internal burden you experience from existing that's valid. someone could live the exact same life as you and be incredibly grateful, someone else cannot wait to die. i don't think i can point to a trauma or terrible childhood experience and say "this is grounds for suicide" if the individual actually wants to live, are they wrong for wanting to? it's how you feel.

life is incredibly monotonous, repetitive and painful. life is filled with more bads than goods, the bads feel worse than the goods feel great but most people want to live, are they all wrong for wanting to live? if you feel the bad, you feel the bad.

 

[tomame]

interesting. i on the other hand don't feel justified to continue living .. i'm not sure which is worst

 

[cvury]

why do you think it is immoral? there is no reason to think that