Venting i feel so stupid for feeling like this

[sodalover]

i left a friend group i had been a part of since i was a kid almost a year ago now. theyve moved on perfectly fine without me. in fact they're doing things i begged them to do with me now that im gone and im getting the thought to CTB to spite them. i know thats so fucking stupid but i want them to care so badlyi need them to care about what I do but they never will.
iwanted them to enjoy being around me so fucking bad but they never have and never will

ive been tryingto drop hints to one of my last few friends that i feel lonely and want her to fuckign talk to me about literally anything and she could care less

this sounds so childish but i wish i could CTB and see howthey react to me dying

 

[raineen]

if they never cared about you this way, were they ever actually your friends? it seems they did not care, would you classify that as a friend? it seems to me like they did not deserve you

 

[sodalover]

if they never cared about you this way, were they ever actually your friends? it seems they did not care, would you classify that as a friend? it seems to me like they did not deserve you

they cared enoughat the time it felt like enough

 

[raineen]

they cared enoughat the time it felt like enough

at the time, sure, but what about now? do you still feel the same way? do you feel like they are here for you for whatever comes? or did they leave you this fast?

it sounds like they didn't deserve you not the other way around.
this is really important to make as a distinction, if they abandoned you this easily, they never deserved you, your presence is not a necessary, it's a thing people earn, and they clearly did not. you will find much better people out there, trust me, i once thought i also would not.

people come and go, all the time, only the ones who stick around are your actual friends, and it sounds like they did not stick around...

 

[Insomniac Butterfly]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Losing friends like that hurts in a way that's hard to explain.
I went through something similar. One day I realized I was never really part of the group the way everyone else was. My feelings and interests weren't really considered, and I didn't even notice for a long time because they were the only friends I'd ever had. I knew them from kindergarten until we were about 20. Then I just disappeared, both in real life and online, and no one reached out. Not even once, even years later.
It made me realize that when you truly matter to people, it shows. Even if someone struggles to express themselves, you can still tell when they value you. And from what you've told us, it doesn't sound like these people value you the way you deserve.

I also understand how being treated like you don't matter can make you feel like you want to die. It can get to a point where it makes you question your worth in a way that's hard to shake. I often have felt spiteful, and wanted to die just to matter to people that have neglected me as well. I'm not trying to make this about me, just saying I get it in my own way.
You're not immature for feeling like this. Your reactions make sense to me.
You deserve to matter. You deserve relationships where people actually engage with you, care about what you care about, and accept you as you are. If someone only seems to care in extreme situations but not in your actual life, that's not the kind of care you need.
This isn't to talk you down or something like that, but to say consider what you truly want.

Live your life, or death, for yourself first, and the one's that truly value you secondly. These people that don't treat you the way you deserve don't deserve to have such an impact on what you do with your life.
I'm here if you need or want anyone to talk to that gets it in their own way.
I apologize if I overstepped my bounds and said rude or callous in any way. I suck at talking.