I feel like a big failure atm

[Stroopwafel.]

Months ago I choose to live. Or at least, really try to get out of this situation other than CTB. Right now I'm in a psychiatric hospital, I've been here for two motnhs now, and I do actully feel like this could be a place where they can help me. I've fighted SO hard to get here. But at the same time I'm SO scared. What if it doesn't help? What if I can't do this? I've tried to ignore these feelings ever since I arrived. But today these feelings really got to me. And they kind of driving me crazy. I feel very very suicidal at the moment. I just can't do this, I'm not strong enough. I just want peace. Ever since I'm here I've been debating on ordering N. just in case, just to be sure that I can go when I really want to, when I come to the conclusion I can't or don't want to do this.

It's such a weird feeling. I really want to try (to live), I really do, but at the same time I just really want order N. and not talk about my feelings to anyone. I just want know that when I'm done with it, I can go in a peaceful way. It would take away so much stress to have it close to me. But that's NOT the reason why I'm here. I choose to live, but at the same time I want die so badly? I'm just so confused. It's like I can't decide whether I want to live or die? Does anyone else ever feel like this?

I'm just SO tired. I've tried to ignore those thoughts and feelings for so long and right now it's like I'm drowning, I just feel so overwhelmed.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Tried to live for so many years been through MH system so many times. Only you know the answer for you OP. My answer is easy tried life it screwed me and now I need my peace from it. Hope you find answer OP and can have peace whatever you decide

 

[bornfree]

Months ago I choose to live. Or at least, really try to get out of this situation other than CTB. Right now I'm in a psychiatric hospital, I've been here for two motnhs now, and I do actully feel like this could be a place where they can help me. I've fighted SO hard to get here. But at the same time I'm SO scared. What if it doesn't help? What if I can't do this? I've tried to ignore these feelings ever since I arrived. But today these feelings really got to me. And they kind of driving me crazy. I feel very very suicidal at the moment. I just can't do this, I'm not strong enough. I just want peace. Ever since I'm here I've been debating on ordering N. just in case, just to be sure that I can go when I really want to, when I come to the conclusion I can't or don't want to do this.

It's such a weird feeling. I really want to try (to live), I really do, but at the same time I just really want order N. and not talk about my feelings to anyone. I just want know that when I'm done with it, I can go in a peaceful way. It would take away so much stress to have it close to me. But that's NOT the reason why I'm here. I choose to live, but at the same time I want die so badly? I'm just so confused. It's like I can't decide whether I want to live or die? Does anyone else ever feel like this?

I'm just SO tired. I've tried to ignore those thoughts and feelings for so long and right now it's like I'm drowning, I just feel so overwhelmed.

you are in a terrible limbo state. I don't know what you are going through the conflict of wanting to live and wanting to die.

Things have happened to you that are awful. I assume this is part of if not all the reasons you want to die. You are experiencing pain and it is too much - the pain doesn't come from nowhere instead awful things have happened to you. You don't want to live with this. It doesn't seem paradoxical that you want to live and want to die. Your emotions are pain in one form or another. Emotions are not as controllable as thoughts and intentions. Of course emotions can be intertwined with thoughts and intentions but they can also be in opposition and that's natural. Death is a big step to take. It is rational to fear death like you fear the pain of suicidal thoughts and feelings continuing. It is rational to want to live but not to live to keep on feel suicidal whereas you are living and you keep on feeling suicidal.

Feeling suicidal can be like a fight or flight response and again these things can happen at the same time. "i want to run away. I want to fly away. Most of all i want to die away" - that''s the flight or flee response i think. It can also make you want to fight like finding meaning or finding out what's so important to you that it makes you want to live or fighting against the injustices and causes of pain.

I do not expect suicidal individuals to fight though but i hope you can find care that fights for you and what you need to stop feeling suicidal. You can't bear your life right now so you need to find care that fights for you and a better life for you and better experiences. You might need something to fill the void of emptiness in you - it's deeply personal what's going on that makes you want to die but i know you want these things to stop and you sound like you want your life to get better than die so you need to find care that cares about this. It maybe a long journey to recovery.

Alternatively or in addition you can try the drugs they offer you. Many suicidal individuals have found drugs effective. For decades drugs have been the primary recourse for ending suicidal thoughts and feelings. You need more than drugs though.

As much as possible try to be kind to yourself. It's a small tip. You are suicidal so you deserve infinite kindness but you must try to be kind to yourself.