I don't feel like this life is worth it for me anymore

[Kanau_Nano]

My therapist told me they think there's nothing they can do to help me. They said I've seen no improvement at all, and I need to take even more meds than I already have through the years, and I need to help myself by thinking only positive things. The meds never help, and I've tried so hard to think happy thoughts to rewire my brain, but I think my brain is unfixable. I know I'm not doing what my therapist said by thinking these things, I just don't think I can deal with this anymore. I really did try so hard to get better since I was a kid. I've had so many therapists and psychs. I went to the psych unit many times that doesn't help either. I've got so many mental illnesses listed it makes me feel so bad.

I've also just called out of my work cause it's causing me so many problems. I barely sleep, my migraines and stomach pain is worse, I feel so overwhelmingly anxious all day and stupid. Focusing on anything, but my fear is so difficult. I think I need to quit I'd probably get fired eventually anyways. It's the best job I ever had pay wise, but I'm just so pathetic I can't cope. I want to ctb so very bad, I've tried before, but just like my whole life I fail. I failed my friends. I failed school. I failed my relationships. I failed to be a good daughter, i failed to be a good sister, i failed to work, i failed myself, i failed to be normal in any way. I ruined my life and let others help ruin it. I feel so guilty.

The only reason I don't go ctb rn is my family. Every day I get closer to not caring. It hurts me to think what will happen to them if I ctb. I feel like I deserve to be punished for thinking of doing it still.

I hate myself so much I'm a waste of a life. I want to hurt myself in some way so bad I deserve it. I'm in so much pain rn physically and mentally I want it to stop

I wish there was something to help me i really do. I just can't do it myself i don't even know how to help myself, except thinking positive. I'm so tired of trying. sorry for ranting like this i just wanted to let it out somewhere. I hope other people here had good experience with therapy. I know some people that did. I'm just too far gone

 

[inara_9]

I'm so sorry you're going through all that Wish I could give you a hug... don't feel guilty for your feelings. You're already doing your best and I'm so proud of you for handling all those struggles and hardships

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I'm so sorry you're going through all that Wish I could give you a hug... don't feel guilty for your feelings. You're already doing your best and I'm so proud of you for handling all those struggles and hardships

Hard not to feel guilty when everything is pretty much my fault. Thank you though. You're very sweet

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

I hear you and it sounds like your dealing with a lot and I'm sorry that you feel this way about yourself and that's it's been a painful road of life for you.

I hope you find the help you need, whatever your looking for or a decision your satisfied with.

I'm here if you wanna talk more about your feelings. :)

My therapist told me they think there's nothing they can do to help me. They said I've seen no improvement at all, and I need to take even more meds than I already have through the years, and I need to help myself by thinking only positive things. The meds never help, and I've tried so hard to think happy thoughts to rewire my brain, but I think my brain is unfixable. I know I'm not doing what my therapist said by thinking these things, I just don't think I can deal with this anymore. I really did try so hard to get better since I was a kid. I've had so many therapists and psychs. I went to the psych unit many times that doesn't help either. I've got so many mental illnesses listed it makes me feel so bad.

I've also just called out of my work cause it's causing me so many problems. I barely sleep, my migraines and stomach pain is worse, I feel so overwhelmingly anxious all day and stupid. Focusing on anything, but my fear is so difficult. I think I need to quit I'd probably get fired eventually anyways. It's the best job I ever had pay wise, but I'm just so pathetic I can't cope. I want to ctb so very bad, I've tried before, but just like my whole life I fail. I failed my friends. I failed school. I failed my relationships. I failed to be a good daughter, i failed to be a good sister, i failed to work, i failed myself, i failed to be normal in any way. I ruined my life and let others help ruin it. I feel so guilty.

The only reason I don't go ctb rn is my family. Every day I get closer to not caring. It hurts me to think what will happen to them if I ctb. I feel like I deserve to be punished for thinking of doing it still.

I hate myself so much I'm a waste of a life. I want to hurt myself in some way so bad I deserve it. I'm in so much pain rn physically and mentally I want it to stop

I wish there was something to help me i really do. I just can't do it myself i don't even know how to help myself, except thinking positive. I'm so tired of trying. sorry for ranting like this i just wanted to let it out somewhere. I hope other people here had good experience with therapy. I know some people that did. I'm just too far gone

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

"I am a people-pleaser, but as much as I desire to please, the fact is I cannot please everyone, and can only control the things I can control, which as my mother would say: I can't bullshit a bullshitter, for "bullshit recognizes bullshit". And if that makes me a liability, why should I live? For if I die, I die; though my father, mother, and even the whole world forsake me, the Lord will bring me up."

It's time to rest, for that is the Suncha command!

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I hear you and it sounds like your dealing with a lot and I'm sorry that you feel this way about yourself and that's it's been a painful road of life for you.

I hope you find the help you need, whatever your looking for or a decision your satisfied with.

I'm here if you wanna talk more about your feelings. :)

Thank you. I wish I could find help, but it seems like I'm trapped here to be tortured. I know a spot to jump that's 400 feet with nothing below except shallow water. I think about it a lot. When I was there I looked down for a long time imagining myself ctb. I had a really bad feeling of fear in my body, but at the same time relief thinking I could easily not be in pain anymore if I just did it. I'm scared tho it would go wrong like my other ctb attempts and I'd end up paralyzed without the ability to try again. That's my greatest fear. I know it would take rescue a long time to get to me at least. I feel really bad thinking about how they would feel seeing my body. I just wish there was a better way to go. Why do I have to be stuck here in a place that I'm not made for? My family would be more disappointed in me than they already are, and really upset. I'm lucky to have a family that cares, but also it feels like a curse. I wish I could have had a normal life bad so I could make others proud. I don't really want to ctb. I like some things about living, I just feel like my misery outweighs any happiness by a lot. It's extremely difficult to enjoy anything. Life doesn't even feel real at times.

"I am a people-pleaser, but as much as I desire to please, the fact is I cannot please everyone, and can only control the things I can control, which as my mother would say: I can't bullshit a bullshitter, for "bullshit recognizes bullshit". And if that makes me a liability, why should I live? For if I die, I die; though my father, mother, and even the whole world forsake me, the Lord will bring me up."

It's time to rest, for that is the Suncha command!

Wish I could rest. I'm exhausted

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

Thank you. I wish I could find help, but it seems like I'm trapped here to be tortured. I know a spot to jump that's 400 feet with nothing below except shallow water. I think about it a lot. When I was there I looked down for a long time imagining myself ctb. I had a really bad feeling of fear in my body, but at the same time relief thinking I could easily not be in pain anymore if I just did it. I'm scared tho it would go wrong like my other ctb attempts and I'd end up paralyzed without the ability to try again. That's my greatest fear. I know it would take rescue a long time to get to me at least. I feel really bad thinking about how they would feel seeing my body. I just wish there was a better way to go. Why do I have to be stuck here in a place that I'm not made for? My family would be more disappointed in me than they already are, and really upset. I'm lucky to have a family that cares, but also it feels like a curse. I wish I could have had a normal life bad so I could make others proud. I don't really want to ctb. I like some things about living, I just feel like my misery outweighs any happiness by a lot. It's extremely difficult to enjoy anything. Life doesn't even feel real at times.

Wish I could rest. I'm exhausted

May you internalize the Suncha axiom as deeply as I have:
"You cannot please everyone; control the things you can control, one step at a time."

And furthermore, my former boss also said, "if you feel guilty, then it's a sign you are a good person, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise; bad people don't think about such things, and instead justify themselves as righteous."

 

[Kanau_Nano]

May you internalize the Suncha axiom as deeply as I have:
"You cannot please everyone; control the things you can control, one step at a time."

And furthermore, my former boss also said, "if you feel guilty, then it's a sign you are a good person, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise; bad people don't think about such things, and instead justify themselves as righteous."

I've tried to internalize i shouldn't try to please everyone and take one step at a time. For many years. Eventually on my way through the steps I fall all the way back down.

I try not to please everyone, but I just care so much about what people think. Anytime someone doesn't like me it crushes me. I don't know why I am this way, and I struggle to fix it. I really enjoy being liked so i do my best to make others happy, it's nice to have someone think good of me, I'm so used to hating myself it is strange how anyone can like me tho. Sometimes I feel people are faking it, and it hurts.

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

I've tried to internalize i shouldn't try to please everyone and take one step at a time. For many years. Eventually on my way through the steps I fall all the way back down.

I try not to please everyone, but I just care so much about what people think. Anytime someone doesn't like me it crushes me. I don't know why I am this way, and I struggle to fix it. I really enjoy being liked so i do my best to make others happy, it's nice to have someone think good of me, I'm so used to hating myself it is strange how anyone can like me tho. Sometimes I feel people are faking it, and it hurts.

It's a challenge, and indeed I do fall back more often than I'm comfortable letting on.

But whoever says anything about progress being linear?

Whatever the case, what did it for me was the realization that people are grass, and as the grass withers, the flowers fade, the word of my God stands forever.

But... you're gonna have to hit that breaking point.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

It's a challenge, and indeed I do fall back more often than I'm comfortable letting on.

But whoever says anything about progress being linear?

Whatever the case, what did it for me was the realization that people are grass, and as the grass withers, the flowers fade, the word of my God stands forever.

But... you're gonna have to hit that breaking point.

I'm glad you are religious. That would make me feel a lot better if I was probably. What breaking point do you mean? I've hit absolute lowest of the low before. Homeless, on drugs, no care for myself at all, getting used or hurt by others, attempted ctb issues with family etc

I hope you do well in life and keep your belief and hope

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

I'm glad you are religious. That would make me feel a lot better if I was probably. What breaking point do you mean? I've hit absolute lowest of the low before. Homeless, on drugs, no care for myself at all, getting used or hurt by others, attempted ctb issues with family etc

When you've given up all hope on man, or the idea that you can control the uncontrollables.

 

[Aflame5926]

i think you are really to hard for yourself. in my opinion part of this not all ofcourse is that you don't fit in.
society is all about boxes. if you don't in the box then you are weird, difficult or anything else.

enjoy the time with your family while you still can.
when you cross the road about not giving a shit about your family then you know it likely time.

but untill then struggle. maybe a little bit hard but words will not change anything for you.

im really sorry that you feel this way. but a surprising thing (not) you are not the only one.
i do wish i can magicly appear a happy pill for everybody here but yeah. dreams can be memes

Please do try to hang in there