I don't feel like this life is worth it for me anymore

[mold]

Everything you said I relate to so hard its kinda scary haha. I hope things get better for you, seriously

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Everything you said I relate to so hard its kinda scary haha. I hope things get better for you, seriously

Thank you. I wish you didn't relate so much I hope you get better too. Have as good of a day as you can!

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

How did you mess up? And yeah I've met people i like a lot lol. If anyone shows me any genuine seeming affection I tend to get obsessed with them until i destroy everything in some way. I'm sick for sure. I've never been in love though. I've had people tell me they love me, but I just don't feel it.

That cafe sounds fun. I can appreciate good looking men like you lol I might get anxious there tho. I also wanna go to a maid cafe. I like the outfits! I chose Japan cause it looked cool and I like the TV shows/anime books etc. I've never been to a city that big so that's exciting. Don't you think?

I wish you could go on that trip before you do that to yourself. It would be awesome for you to enjoy yourself as much as possible! You might still go with someone you love. Life is unpredictable for sure.

I've had the same thoughts about alternative universes. I wonder what a happy me is like.

That's awesome you're proud of all your hard work!! I'm proud of you too! I always like to see people suffering eventually do well in life! You got a lot of good going for you! Anxiety is so hard to deal with, but I believe in you!!

I know I'm not trying to cause stress, but I still feel uncomfortable with it :((

I'm glad you got here and irl people to tell how you feel. It's very important to be understood and let it all out! Be careful if you tell a mandatory reporter about your plan to ctb. You could go to the hospital. Maybe that would be good for you and you'd like it though? It helps people.

I wish you didn't feel the need to ctb you deserve to be happy! You are a cool seeming person from what you've said. Btw I'm warning you any method will be terrifying. I have experience.

Digital Circus is awesome! I'm gonna see the movie too. I'm really curious if they can get out.

I would like to do a lot of things lol

Mess up isn't the right term maybe. I tried killing myself last week and it proved to me how no one seems to care. So I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

I understand what you mean by obsession and ruining things, I've certainly done that before too. I eventually learned very later on about limerence. I haven't experienced love either.

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you'll feel love one day too. Does wanting to loved really make you sick though? It's such a human feeling that everyone deserves.

Yummy muscle men in Japan. What's not to appreciate. I'd be a little nervous too. But it would steer me in the direction of overly flirtatious and possibly endearing.

I've been to a maid cafe at Manchester anime con. It was pretty nice. I enjoyed it. I got some photos too. I'll share them in DM. I'd like so cute in a maid outfit. Too bad Halloween is too far away.

Same, Japan looks so cool in the anime and shows. What anime do you watch? Yeah going to an entirely new place sounds incredibly exciting. Of course I think so. That trip would be lovely. I hope you get to go.

I'd love that. I hope you get to go before the end too. But I'd rather not deal with airport by myself. I haven't been since I was 5. And my autism. God. I think I'd be too overwhelmed.

Who would you wanna go with?

It sure is an interesting thought huh?

All the different yous. The different perspectives you can get. Maybe it'd be enough to give you hope or maybe to see how bad life is for you.

I appreciate it and I see that your trying too. I hope you can get through these hard times too. Or come to wherever you wanna be. I hope it works out well. Whatever you decide.

What make you feel uncomfortable?

Thank you, I know I have to be careful. I don't think he'll listen. Or understand. He doesn't seem to understand me anymore. I thought he did. But maybe he isn't that person for me either.
But fuck the hospital. I'm just gonna fake it until they're off my back. It's annoying as hell.

I hope you find someone you can speak with.

Of course. I understand. This cruel world won't give me an easy death. No one deserves to feel suicidal, we deserve all the love and kindness to get through this, I'm sure your wonderful and amazing too. You seem so nice and fresh.

I can't wait. I got the tickets for my cinema.

What are those things then (can you respond in DMs)

 

[bpdscared9]

Come here, give me a huge hug, one of my biggest fears in life is losing you, I refuse to. I hope your family would be eternal to make you stay here with me and your friends, Nano. Let me hold you tight for last time.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Come here, give me a huge hug, one of my biggest fears in life is losing you, I refuse to. I hope your family would be eternal to make you stay here with me and your friends, Nano. Let me hold you tight for last time.

you're always very nice thank you

 

[Matchaaa]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I hope you're feeling a bit better soon.
Sending you love — I can relate to this, and I know the feeling of guilt too. It really sucks.
I hope you're able to find some small moments of joy, even if they don't last long.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I hope you're feeling a bit better soon.
Sending you love — I can relate to this, and I know the feeling of guilt too. It really sucks.
I hope you're able to find some small moments of joy, even if they don't last long.

Still feeling very upset, but hopefully I feel better soon. Life's just been getting to me bad.

Thank you I hope you've been doing okay today. You still self sabotaging? I really relate to that. It hurts to see others going through that too

 

[Matchaaa]

Still feeling very upset, but hopefully I feel better soon. Life's just been getting to me bad.

Thank you I hope you've been doing okay today. You still self sabotaging? I really relate to that. It hurts to see others going through that too

Yes, I think I still struggle with that a bit. I sometimes unconsciously hold myself back from getting better because I'm afraid that once I actually stabilize, I'll have to face a lot of responsibilities—like work, weight management, and finances—as well as the pressure from my environment

I hope you're doing okay today too. I know a lot of things that help us improve take energy to maintain, but I hope life is treating you gently.

 

[blisterinthesun]

Hey, I know it's hard to think this way, but please go a bit easier on yourself. You are not your mental health. The real you is the person who is living life and dealing with all the struggles that come with that, even if you're struggling, on top of having those problems, and that is frickin amazing. I know this doesn't fix all your problems but please give yourself some slack.

On your therapist, do you like them? Are they a good fit? Because if not, maybe it's a good idea to look for someone else. You shouldn't be coming away from therapy feeling disempowered and like you're a lost cause.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Hey, I know it's hard to think this way, but please go a bit easier on yourself. You are not your mental health. The real you is the person who is living life and dealing with all the struggles that come with that, even if you're struggling, on top of having those problems, and that is frickin amazing. I know this doesn't fix all your problems but please give yourself some slack.

On your therapist, do you like them? Are they a good fit? Because if not, maybe it's a good idea to look for someone else. You shouldn't be coming away from therapy feeling disempowered and like you're a lost cause.

I'm just so tired of dealing with everything. Life has been so overwhelming and I've destroyed many things in my life due to my own actions with big help from my mental illnesses. I feel like I don't deserve any slack. I guess I am proud I haven't tried to ctb in years.

My therapist is nice, but I made her cry and get upset a few times and it made me feel bad. And nothing really helps she suggests. Talking is nice though. This is like my 10th therapist or so since I was a child. Many different therapy types. I've been seeing her a while. I wish someone could fix me cause I'm so lost and feel powerless on myself.

Thank you for taking the time to support me. I appreciate you. I still have a tiny bit of hope I can do well. I wish you well and hope you do good today

 

[idkwhattodoman]

My therapist told me they think there's nothing they can do to help me. They said I've seen no improvement at all, and I need to take even more meds than I already have through the years, and I need to help myself by thinking only positive things. The meds never help, and I've tried so hard to think happy thoughts to rewire my brain, but I think my brain is unfixable. I know I'm not doing what my therapist said by thinking these things, I just don't think I can deal with this anymore. I really did try so hard to get better since I was a kid. I've had so many therapists and psychs. I went to the psych unit many times that doesn't help either. I've got so many mental illnesses listed it makes me feel so bad.

I've also just called out of my work cause it's causing me so many problems. I barely sleep, my migraines and stomach pain is worse, I feel so overwhelmingly anxious all day and stupid. Focusing on anything, but my fear is so difficult. I think I need to quit I'd probably get fired eventually anyways. It's the best job I ever had pay wise, but I'm just so pathetic I can't cope. I want to ctb so very bad, I've tried before, but just like my whole life I fail. I failed my friends. I failed school. I failed my relationships. I failed to be a good daughter, i failed to be a good sister, i failed to work, i failed myself, i failed to be normal in any way. I ruined my life and let others help ruin it. I feel so guilty.

The only reason I don't go ctb rn is my family. Every day I get closer to not caring. It hurts me to think what will happen to them if I ctb. I feel like I deserve to be punished for thinking of doing it still.

I hate myself so much I'm a waste of a life. I want to hurt myself in some way so bad I deserve it. I'm in so much pain rn physically and mentally I want it to stop

I wish there was something to help me i really do. I just can't do it myself i don't even know how to help myself, except thinking positive. I'm so tired of trying. sorry for ranting like this i just wanted to let it out somewhere. I hope other people here had good experience with therapy. I know some people that did. I'm just too far gone

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much pain right now. I know this is a wave of emotions that feels uncontrollable but know that you can find meaning and purpose in your suffering. Think of yourself as your best friend, or maybe even your child self. Would you ever tell them they are a failure, or too far gone? No, you want to nurture them and believe in their ability to grow. I think one of the most grounding methods for me was writing a letter to my child self, telling them that they can grow, then extrapolating that to myself now. Also going for runs, I started at barely making it around the block to doing a couple miles at a time.
It's going to be hard work and feelings will flow up and down. Theres lots of people here to support you and you have your family to support you too. Try do something fun with them. You got this

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much pain right now. I know this is a wave of emotions that feels uncontrollable but know that you can find meaning and purpose in your suffering. Think of yourself as your best friend, or maybe even your child self. Would you ever tell them they are a failure, or too far gone? No, you want to nurture them and believe in their ability to grow. I think one of the most grounding methods for me was writing a letter to my child self, telling them that they can grow, then extrapolating that to myself now. Also going for runs, I started at barely making it around the block to doing a couple miles at a time.
It's going to be hard work and feelings will flow up and down. Theres lots of people here to support you and you have your family to support you too. Try do something fun with them. You got this

At times I felt like my suffering was all for a reason and a god had a great plan for me. I miss feeling like that lol I can't really find meaning in it anymore. It made me more empathetic at least.

You know my therapist told me the same thing at one point. Imagine myself as a child or a friend and do what you said. I would never say the things I think about myself to others. It's just so hard to be kind to myself, i truly believe i don't deserve it. I couldn't really think of what to say to my child self tho besides warning myself. I've done things I didn't think I could do like your running example. I put in a lot of effort to things. But, here I am.

I am glad I have family that care about me. That is nice. I'm too scared to tell them my feelings tho cause they would get worried. But, I still appreciate them.

Are you doing well in life? You do have good advice and word things well. Thank you for supporting me. I will try to do fun things with people to take my mind off this. I just feel like a lost cause rn. I know i will feel happy at some point, but it doesn't last long. It's tiring

Are you a therapist BTW? You talk like mine lol

 

[OkayFine]

My therapist told me they think there's nothing they can do to help me. They said I've seen no improvement at all, and I need to take even more meds than I already have through the years, and I need to help myself by thinking only positive things. The meds never help, and I've tried so hard to think happy thoughts to rewire my brain, but I think my brain is unfixable. I know I'm not doing what my therapist said by thinking these things, I just don't think I can deal with this anymore. I really did try so hard to get better since I was a kid. I've had so many therapists and psychs. I went to the psych unit many times that doesn't help either. I've got so many mental illnesses listed it makes me feel so bad.

I've also just called out of my work cause it's causing me so many problems. I barely sleep, my migraines and stomach pain is worse, I feel so overwhelmingly anxious all day and stupid. Focusing on anything, but my fear is so difficult. I think I need to quit I'd probably get fired eventually anyways. It's the best job I ever had pay wise, but I'm just so pathetic I can't cope. I want to ctb so very bad, I've tried before, but just like my whole life I fail. I failed my friends. I failed school. I failed my relationships. I failed to be a good daughter, i failed to be a good sister, i failed to work, i failed myself, i failed to be normal in any way. I ruined my life and let others help ruin it. I feel so guilty.

The only reason I don't go ctb rn is my family. Every day I get closer to not caring. It hurts me to think what will happen to them if I ctb. I feel like I deserve to be punished for thinking of doing it still.

I hate myself so much I'm a waste of a life. I want to hurt myself in some way so bad I deserve it. I'm in so much pain rn physically and mentally I want it to stop

I wish there was something to help me i really do. I just can't do it myself i don't even know how to help myself, except thinking positive. I'm so tired of trying. sorry for ranting like this i just wanted to let it out somewhere. I hope other people here had good experience with therapy. I know some people that did. I'm just too far gone

I had a therapist "fire" me too, similar quote. Something like, "I don't believe there is anything more I can do for you." It sucks when the supposed professional is at a loss. I'm sorry you're feeling all this.

 

[idkwhattodoman]

At times I felt like my suffering was all for a reason and a god had a great plan for me. I miss feeling like that lol I can't really find meaning in it anymore. It made me more empathetic at least.

You know my therapist told me the same thing at one point. Imagine myself as a child or a friend and do what you said. I would never say the things I think about myself to others. It's just so hard to be kind to myself, i truly believe i don't deserve it. I couldn't really think of what to say to my child self tho besides warning myself. I've done things I didn't think I could do like your running example. I put in a lot of effort to things. But, here I am.

I am glad I have family that care about me. That is nice. I'm too scared to tell them my feelings tho cause they would get worried. But, I still appreciate them.

Are you doing well in life? You do have good advice and word things well. Thank you for supporting me. I will try to do fun things with people to take my mind off this. I just feel like a lost cause rn. I know i will feel happy at some point, but it doesn't last long. It's tiring

Are you a therapist BTW? You talk like mine lol

I think creating our own plan and knowing we control our own purpose was/is very hard for me to comprehend. I don't want to influence your religious beliefs but you get to decide what is meaningful in your life. I find helping people very rewarding and that has been my hook for purpose right now. Also theres no rush to find something you absolutely love, our purpose flows and can change like everything in life.

Im a student getting my graduate degree. Absolutely not a therapist, and I used to really hate the idea of self love and affirmations and things like that. I've always struggled with ideation, but in the past 2 months I've been struggling with the hardest mental crisis I've ever had and I've just been keeping track of whats helped and what hasn't. I still really really struggle somedays, and sometimes I feel like I'm a millimeter away from breaking, but I've kept pushing through and I feel better than before. What I did will really stick with me for the rest of my life. In a way I'm glad I have a reminder how much I have to grow. I've really tried to give a purpose to the pain.

Sometimes I feel like I have to self loathe because I deserve it. But when I take a step back I realize that If I do that and make no change then I'll still the same person that made those bad choices in the first place. By giving myself some love and understanding I've created a space for actually change to happen. Hope I don't sound like I'm trying to therapize you, just giving my experiences and I hope you can get some clarity from it. Feel free to DM me if you'd like to talk.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I had a therapist "fire" me too, similar quote. Something like, "I don't believe there is anything more I can do for you." It sucks when the supposed professional is at a loss. I'm sorry you're feeling all this.

It feels horrible to be told by everyone therapy helps and then you get told this. I'm sorry you went through this too

I think creating our own plan and knowing we control our own purpose was/is very hard for me to comprehend. I don't want to influence your religious beliefs but you get to decide what is meaningful in your life. I find helping people very rewarding and that has been my hook for purpose right now. Also theres no rush to find something you absolutely love, our purpose flows and can change like everything in life.

Im a student getting my graduate degree. Absolutely not a therapist, and I used to really hate the idea of self love and affirmations and things like that. I've always struggled with ideation, but in the past 2 months I've been struggling with the hardest mental crisis I've ever had and I've just been keeping track of whats helped and what hasn't. I still really really struggle somedays, and sometimes I feel like I'm a millimeter away from breaking, but I've kept pushing through and I feel better than before. What I did will really stick with me for the rest of my life. In a way I'm glad I have a reminder how much I have to grow. I've really tried to give a purpose to the pain.

Sometimes I feel like I have to self loathe because I deserve it. But when I take a step back I realize that If I do that and make no change then I'll still the same person that made those bad choices in the first place. By giving myself some love and understanding I've created a space for actually change to happen. Hope I don't sound like I'm trying to therapize you, just giving my experiences and I hope you can get some clarity from it. Feel free to DM me if you'd like to talk.

I'm proud of you for getting your degree! That's very hard to do without feeling sad. You are doing super pushing through this! You have a very good attitude on dealing with this. I appreciate it.

I like to help people too. thank you for the offer to dm!!

 

[Endisclose]

Thank you for your words. I appreciate it. i know if I wait I will feel better then now, it's just so hard rn

You're probably going through a depressive episode or phase right now..It's better to lie low, conserve your energy - maybe engage in activities that you can do passively, like listening to soothing music, watching nature walkthrough videos on YouTube etc..

One thing that I found immensely helpful when I was going through such periods was art. Especially art cinema. I am gonna share some films here that are guaranteed to make you fall in love with cinema if you aren't already an cinephile. You can start exploring on your own once you get there. So here goes my list..

1) The lives of others - by Florian Henckel von Donnersmack .

2) Pather Panchali - by Satyajit Ray

3) Stolen kisses - by Francis Truffaut

4) The green ray - by Eric Rohmer

5) Umberto D - by Vittorio de Sica

6) Kanal - by Andrzej Wajda

These are so good that I used some of them as mood regulators - I watch The green ray when I am feeling a bit melancholic and it always manages to lift my mood.

The same is true with music. Search for raga miyan ki malhar on YouTube, you're bound to come up with several renditions that could range from 30 mins to an hour even. I find it so soothing, it feels like someone is pouring a pot of cool water over one's head over and over again..I learnt this art form called Hindustani classical music for a while and whenever I sing, my mood lifts up instantly. That is the power that music can have..

I find that bipolar is much more manageable than borderline. There are some options for regulating mood such as..

1) Sunshine - for lifting mood but too much can cause hypomania. I have experienced this myself several times. So one has to be careful and very aware.

2) Dark room - for down regulating mood. Closing all curtain and being in a pitch dark room will down regulate mood - can be helpful in hypomanic state

Nootropics like l-theanine can help with anxiety, l-tryptophan is supposedly helpful to downregulate mood while manic. I believe 12 g was the recommended dosage. That plus being in a dark room should help. St. John's wort can help lift mood, but can cause hypomania so one has to be careful. I've heard great things about CBD oil..

To me borderline is the one that poses a bigger problem. I have nothing for it except maybe Cognitive behavioural therapy and the "Feeling good" book by David D. Burns I had mentioned earlier.

One more thing is the stress that you are experiencing could be SI based..in the sense..I remember reading somewhere that anxiety was basically a fear of death. I remember this is what I felt when I was young. There was a certain desperation to make it in life and the stress from it ironically made matters worse.

If I had known when I was young that I would end up where I am now, I daresay I'd have experienced a great deal less of stress and anxiety and who knows that might have helped me to possibly find a way.

It would have helped to know that nearly 20 percent of all people with bipolar commit suicide. That bipolar and borderline is considered the death knell among the psychiatric profession. That the median age for people who kill themselves with bipolar is around 35. That 40 is probably the age around which society will start taking a harder look at me and asking some pointed questions.

If I had known all this and knew that I was up against the wall from the very beginning, I feel it may have eased up a lot of pressure. I would have felt like "what more could I lose" you know..

At the end I feel it may be better to just accept one's situation, do one's best and make the most of what one has. If you have someone you love, enjoy the time you have with them, if you like food - enjoy whatever you like to have, try to have experiences like watching great art or traveling if you like it. Try to find if you have any passions like music that you can pursue that make you lose yourself in it completely, where you are led on by curiosity to learn more and more. I think that sort of thing would be your best bet to find something sustainable to do in life. To me that was Hindustani music. You have to find what works for you like that..

If you try all that and if nothing works out in the end, I believe the option to take the bus is always there..Another advantage is that by exhausting all the options and leaving no stone unturned, one might have to deal with substantially lesser SI by the time one gets through all of that, if one plans to go for CTB. Cause hey, if one has tried everything and if life still hasn't worked out, there shouldn't be much cause for any regrets. I think it's better to just keep calm, accept your condition, accept your circumstances. Do your best saying what will happen will happen and that everything happens for the best.

Observe yourself, observe your mind in a detached manner as though you're a third person. If you have really high anxiety just do this one thing - observe your mind, observe what it is doing. Can you see what's happening to the anxiety if you do this?