chuckapalahniuk27
New Member
- Apr 9, 2026
- 1
first post ever, hello.
i usually hate posting anywhere but this seems like a judgement free zone and i need an outlet. im already feeling stupid because i spelled my username wrong and cant change it yet but anyway
i've felt very disconnected from people since i was a kid. i don't understand how to interact with people, including my own family. i'll say shit that i think is completely normal, in a tone i think is appropriate, and i get this sort of stunned look like i'm an extraterrestrial. no one ever explains what it is i say or do wrong, they just call me weird/embarrassing/a loser or ignore me. i hate the feeling of a failed social interaction and i've gotten increasingly more paranoid with time, so i've stopped trying to talk to people at all, in person and online.
i think another issue is how i present myself. i don't think i'm that ugly, just unconventional in the way i can't dress and don't put much effort into my looks outside basic hygiene.
so since i'm not super good looking and i'm not good at socializing, there's not much people enjoy about being around me, and i'm treated like shit on their shoe. the way i was bullied in middle/high school did permanent damage to my confidence and self image.
there was a brief point in high school where i thought i had figured it all out (barely) but i got into a bunch of drugs and became more insufferable than ever. i now have the worlds worst memory and i lack the critical thinking skills i once had.
i dropped out of school when i was 16 (i say dropped out, but i was pulled out because i attempted in the school bathroom and was already going to an alternative school. whats funny about this is, my parents were planning to send me to a military school, but you can't go if you're suicidal.) and i've been a hermit ever since because of a pile of mental health issues. i almost never leave the house, it's where i know i'm safe and hidden. i don't have any friends or hobbies or goals. i can't drive. i don't have a job and i'm too scared to get one as pathetic as that is. i'm lucky i haven't gotten kicked out yet.
i don't feel like a part of my own species. i used to wish i had my own planet all to myself. i look at most other people as superior to me in every way because they know how to connect and interact with the world like its breathing. even if they have their own problems going on, they at least have something to offer.
i'm almost 19 and i don't know if recovery is possible atp, i've been through tons of therapists and case workers, multiple hospitalizations and a few antidepressants, none of which really worked.
maybe i could fix where i'm at if i tried hard enough, but i dont think i have the will or the energy anymore. i only get up to drink a cup of coffee. i lay in bed all day doing nothing. sometimes i feel like i'm already dead. i plan to ctb sometime this year, i just haven't picked a date yet. there's also my family, i love them despite the shit they've put me through, but i can't keep relying on them. i don't know if the guilt of leaving them outweighs the hatred i have for myself, my life, and the world. it all feels like useless maintenance.
hope this wasn't too long. i'm reading it over and over and over and over to make sure its legible.
thank you for listening
i usually hate posting anywhere but this seems like a judgement free zone and i need an outlet. im already feeling stupid because i spelled my username wrong and cant change it yet but anyway
i've felt very disconnected from people since i was a kid. i don't understand how to interact with people, including my own family. i'll say shit that i think is completely normal, in a tone i think is appropriate, and i get this sort of stunned look like i'm an extraterrestrial. no one ever explains what it is i say or do wrong, they just call me weird/embarrassing/a loser or ignore me. i hate the feeling of a failed social interaction and i've gotten increasingly more paranoid with time, so i've stopped trying to talk to people at all, in person and online.
i think another issue is how i present myself. i don't think i'm that ugly, just unconventional in the way i can't dress and don't put much effort into my looks outside basic hygiene.
so since i'm not super good looking and i'm not good at socializing, there's not much people enjoy about being around me, and i'm treated like shit on their shoe. the way i was bullied in middle/high school did permanent damage to my confidence and self image.
there was a brief point in high school where i thought i had figured it all out (barely) but i got into a bunch of drugs and became more insufferable than ever. i now have the worlds worst memory and i lack the critical thinking skills i once had.
i dropped out of school when i was 16 (i say dropped out, but i was pulled out because i attempted in the school bathroom and was already going to an alternative school. whats funny about this is, my parents were planning to send me to a military school, but you can't go if you're suicidal.) and i've been a hermit ever since because of a pile of mental health issues. i almost never leave the house, it's where i know i'm safe and hidden. i don't have any friends or hobbies or goals. i can't drive. i don't have a job and i'm too scared to get one as pathetic as that is. i'm lucky i haven't gotten kicked out yet.
i don't feel like a part of my own species. i used to wish i had my own planet all to myself. i look at most other people as superior to me in every way because they know how to connect and interact with the world like its breathing. even if they have their own problems going on, they at least have something to offer.
i'm almost 19 and i don't know if recovery is possible atp, i've been through tons of therapists and case workers, multiple hospitalizations and a few antidepressants, none of which really worked.
maybe i could fix where i'm at if i tried hard enough, but i dont think i have the will or the energy anymore. i only get up to drink a cup of coffee. i lay in bed all day doing nothing. sometimes i feel like i'm already dead. i plan to ctb sometime this year, i just haven't picked a date yet. there's also my family, i love them despite the shit they've put me through, but i can't keep relying on them. i don't know if the guilt of leaving them outweighs the hatred i have for myself, my life, and the world. it all feels like useless maintenance.
hope this wasn't too long. i'm reading it over and over and over and over to make sure its legible.
thank you for listening
