Venting I feel good enough, but I'm afraid to go on living

[bea_bivng]

even though I don't work, or do anything useful besides drawing, I'm doing well with treatment and medication, I don't think much about cbt or sh, even though sometimes I want to.

I don't want to live mistreating myself, but I'm afraid of getting better and not recognizing myself, I just wish I was willing to work and draw as much as I want, but sometimes I don't have the strength.

my psychologist talked about sites that "encourage" cbt and other problems, I didn't want to say I'm on them because they are the only places I can talk about my traumas, my pains without being judged.

I feel happy to be living while I draw and spend the afternoons with my cat, eat cake that my mom makes, go to the market, I like it and it makes me want to stay here a little longer.

I'm afraid of getting better and relapsing, I don't want to hurt my family, but it's a vicious cycle of getting a little better but not too much.

sometimes I feel that when I'm in therapy I'm someone else, more cheerful and courageous, and when I get home I can't get out of bed, I'm not in the mood for many things, I wanted to tell her that but it would take many more sessions and I'm getting tired of spending money that is not mine.

sometimes just for that I want to die.

i don't feel like i'm going to try cbt in these months, i think i can handle it and i can manage, i'm even thinking about selling my drawings.
but I'm scared, I don't know how to explain it without sounding stupid.

i just have an irrational fear of living like everyone else, of going out and socializing, shopping alone, working.

every interaction makes me want to run away, every problem I have the solution is cbt, I just wanted to be normal.

i'm going to walk away for a while, try to make money with my drawings and if in the end even that doesn't work out, i'll be back.

 

[thebookofdisquiet]

I feel you, I'm assuming that you wish you could stop life from continuing, the world from moving on, and just stay in this comfortable and familiar routine?

I also hate adulting and the idea of turning into a work-pay bills-make small talk-sleep-repeat robot.

If you're looking for advice: I can only recommend trying to live in the present, enjoy your precious moments with your cat and yummy food, focus not on how much will you be able to improve or "what if I get worse" but on how you're feeling okay NOW, and try to trust yourself to make your own choices for your life: you don't have to live alone, maybe you can help with the bills selling the drawings you like to make, you don't have to socialize more than the necessary etc.

Wishing you well!