Custos
Martyr
- May 27, 2024
- 395
I have OCD and eating issues, I have had enough. I don't want to be alive. I am a shell of a person, I am not that sad. Most of the time I am just nothing, my brain in a denial. The moments of "happiness" are not genuine, my brain forgets the suffering I go through. I shut don't, my brain takes the blue bill. I don't want to die either, I could see a future, and I am fascinated on what the future will be like. I use to think that things will just "work out", but am not sure that is true, if there are issues there will be issues in the future, I am a defect. I don't want to, and can't, CTB. My death will bring more suffering than is possible in a single person's life. I am forever a martyr.
I have no life, my OCD controls my life. I hate myself, I hate my weight. But I now have computations to eat, and eat more and yet more. My BMI was once 14, I want to be 14 again, but my OCD prevents it. I haven't self-harmed in a while, because people are guilt tripping me. Saying things, like "it would really affect me if you do..." or "look how well you are doing". I am not doing well, I don't care anymore, this is one of the reasons why I don't care about my weight, I am grotesque, but my OCD stops me enacting on my anorexia, which makes me happy.
I don't want to carry on anymore, I sometimes wish everything could just end. That vacuum decay is on its way and there will soon be nothing. I don't want to be alive, I really don't, there is nothing in life worth suffering for, I wish I had the strength to lie, and to secretly self harm.
I am on a psych ward, 8 long months and counting, and if I were to self harm again it would just make things worse. I wish I could just get hold of a sharp knife and cut my thighs. But I am so pathetic I don't even have any access to money and my OCD is so debilitating I can barely leave my room,
I guess I just need to come to terms with the fact that I have a lifetime of suffering, a lifetime of martyrdom. Well until everyone in my life is gone, then I can CTB.
I have no life, my OCD controls my life. I hate myself, I hate my weight. But I now have computations to eat, and eat more and yet more. My BMI was once 14, I want to be 14 again, but my OCD prevents it. I haven't self-harmed in a while, because people are guilt tripping me. Saying things, like "it would really affect me if you do..." or "look how well you are doing". I am not doing well, I don't care anymore, this is one of the reasons why I don't care about my weight, I am grotesque, but my OCD stops me enacting on my anorexia, which makes me happy.
I don't want to carry on anymore, I sometimes wish everything could just end. That vacuum decay is on its way and there will soon be nothing. I don't want to be alive, I really don't, there is nothing in life worth suffering for, I wish I had the strength to lie, and to secretly self harm.
I am on a psych ward, 8 long months and counting, and if I were to self harm again it would just make things worse. I wish I could just get hold of a sharp knife and cut my thighs. But I am so pathetic I don't even have any access to money and my OCD is so debilitating I can barely leave my room,
I guess I just need to come to terms with the fact that I have a lifetime of suffering, a lifetime of martyrdom. Well until everyone in my life is gone, then I can CTB.
