burningmantis
New Member
- Sep 1, 2026
- 2
I have OCD.
It might be more accurate to say that I am OCD.
I have no identity outside of this disorder. It permeates through every aspect of my life and pathology. I am not a human being, but rather a series of rituals performed over and over again in increasingly elaborate and reckless ways, always to running away from something and never moving forward.
Every decision I make is not my own. Writing this post, even, is guided by my OCD.
Is it really living when you never have control, when you have no free will? I feel like there's some kind of eldritch being puppeting my strings, and im helpless to do anything against it, always. Its torment, thinking that you've made a decision for yourself and then looking back and realizing you only made it to satisfy a compulsion.
I have no hope and I have no choice. Its either becoming an emotionless alien on medication (which doesnt even eliminate the ocd anyways, just makes it less distressing because you feel NOTHING) or living in constant, brutal suffering. Ive been in therapy my entire life. Ive been medicated my entire life up until recently. Nothing changes. I will suffer with this incurable disorder for the rest of my life, and i will never know what it means to be human.
This is why I want to ctb.
It might be more accurate to say that I am OCD.
I have no identity outside of this disorder. It permeates through every aspect of my life and pathology. I am not a human being, but rather a series of rituals performed over and over again in increasingly elaborate and reckless ways, always to running away from something and never moving forward.
Every decision I make is not my own. Writing this post, even, is guided by my OCD.
Is it really living when you never have control, when you have no free will? I feel like there's some kind of eldritch being puppeting my strings, and im helpless to do anything against it, always. Its torment, thinking that you've made a decision for yourself and then looking back and realizing you only made it to satisfy a compulsion.
I have no hope and I have no choice. Its either becoming an emotionless alien on medication (which doesnt even eliminate the ocd anyways, just makes it less distressing because you feel NOTHING) or living in constant, brutal suffering. Ive been in therapy my entire life. Ive been medicated my entire life up until recently. Nothing changes. I will suffer with this incurable disorder for the rest of my life, and i will never know what it means to be human.
This is why I want to ctb.
